THE writer of this history, remembering how his mother admonished him to be virtuous and prudent, retired quietly to bed before the passions of the high functionaries had caused so violent an outbreak. And though his regard for the major's reputation was of the tenderest kind, he slept soundly, feeling sure that there was nothing in the list of misfortunes the major was incapable of overcoming. It was with no little surprise, then, that I was awoke by the landlord on the following morning, and told that Major Roger Potter was no where to be found. He regretted having such people in his house; but said it would shorten the account of his misfortunes, if he could but find the missing guest, for it was his custom to treat all men with courtesy.
On repairing to the parlor, which we did as speedily as possible, proof of what had taken place on the previous night lay strewn all over the floor. There, too, lay the major's three cornered hat, as if sitting in judgment upon a promiscuous heap of bottles. But this was the only vestige of the missing hero. At length a sort of murmuring sound was heard, as of some one in great distress. Seeing the landlord much perplexed, I listened with anxious attention, and soon discovered the sound to resemble very much that made by the major over the bruising given him by Captain Luke Snider. On approaching the closet door, it was found to be locked, and the landlord declared there was no space for one so stout within its bounds. Deeming it prudent, however, the lock was turned, to the great delight and relief of the major, who came forth like an half roasted rhinoceros, heaved a sigh, and swore by no less than three saints, as soon as he gained the use of his tongue, that the fellow who turned the key on him was no friend.
"I am marvelously fond of retirement, I would have you know," he spoke, with an air of much concern, "but I choose not to sacrifice my life in this way, for it is a device of the devil, and those in league with him." He emerged from the rubbish half dead with fear, and continued for some minutes proclaiming the baseness and treachery of the act. Then clasping the landlord by the hand, he besought him to be his friend while he took revenge of the enemies who had played this trick upon him.
"Pray be comforted, sir, for these things are mere trifles, and a great man is never so great as when he forgets his misfortunes," said he, "and heaven knows it has all gone wrong with me. You, sir, have a position I lay no claim to."
"Ah!" replied the major, "it is because I have a position, and think of it, that aggravates my misery. And though I am ready to confess that I owe my deliverance to your wisdom and prudence, I begin to think that power is most to be feared when entrusted to men who have been brought up in servitude; for among their many accomplishments they do not include that which teacheth every man who would take care of the nation, to bear in mind, that he serves her best who thinks least of himself. A mule may bray, but it takes an ass to be an ass. I have been these twenty years, sir, serving my country; and I take to myself no little credit that I have served it as well as any of them, of which my secretary can bear testimony." Here the major turned to me for a word of approval. The landlord now put several questions to him concerning his adventures in Mexico and elsewhere, to all of which he gave such extraordinary answers, that he felt assured that whatever eccentricities he might be guilty of at times, he had at least a vigorous understanding, and was as great a man as had come that way for many a day. And so completely did the landlord, who appreciated genius of the highest order, when it did not conflict with his interests, fall in with all the major's crotchets, that he would have written sonnets in his praise, but for the danger of entering upon so hazardous an occupation. He now condoled him for having fallen into the hands of such political vagabonds as had brought disgrace upon his house, and who he swore would bring disgrace upon any house that had doors open to them.
After a moment of deep thought, the major turned to the landlord, and with great earnestness of manner, said: "Since, sir, I have suffered no loss, let us think no more of these little distresses, for they so discipline a man, that if he have a heart it must be made capable of overcoming those obstacles all great men find in their way. We both agree on this point, Mr. Landlord. And since that matter is settled, if you have no objection, I will join you at breakfast, where we will debate several little matters concerning my mission."
The landlord smiled, and expressed his delight at such an act of condescension, which was rare in so great a man.
The major then made a hasty toilet, and together they entered the western dining room, the size and splendor of which quite astonished him, for the walls were inlaid with mirrors from the ceiling to the floor, and reflected the guests and each object with which the table was set out, while the ceiling overhead was decorated with frescoes and stucco work tipped with gold. Observing many fine ladies present, the major, out of sheer respect to his military reputation, made them all one of his most courteous bows before taking a seat, at which they were not a little diverted.
The landlord being himself a politician of no mean order, asked the major what he thought would be the effect of the repeal of the Missouri Compromise.
"That, sir," replied the major, "depends entirely upon how the people take it. If they hold their peace, then there will be peace. But if these humanity mongers, who would break the peace of the nation to get a new issue on the nigger question, get to kicking up a dust, then there will be no peace. It must certainly be confessed, that niggers ought to thank heaven that they are as well off as they are; and those who say otherwise know not what they say. I also hold it an advantage in political economy, that we keep the lazy rascals where by selling them we can pocket the money when occasion requires."
The landlord was now satisfied that his guest was at least right on this all important question of "niggers," though as many inferences might be drawn from his answer as from a speech of Senator Douglas respecting the territories.
Among other things, the major noticed that not a few of the ladies were deeply absorbed in reading the morning papers, and this so excited his curiosity that he must needs inquire of the landlord what it meant, when he was told that they contained an accurate account of what took place on the previous night, including his speech, which was so perfect a piece of composition, embracing so many subjects, and discovering a power to penetrate the designs of the enemy so truly wonderful, that not only his friends, but every lady at the table was commending him for it. "It is generous of them," returned the major, squinting across the table; "but I would have you know, I am a favorite with the ladies wherever I go, and being naturally te............