I'D seen a good many funny things in New York at one time and another, so the last day I wuz thar, I wuz a packin' up my traps, a gittin' ready to go home, when I jist conclooded I'd go out and buy somethin' to remember New York by.  
Wall I wuz a walkin' along down the street when I cum to a place whar they wuz auckshuneerin' off a lot of things. I stopped to see what they had to sell. Wall that place wuz jist chuck full of old-fashioned¹ cooriositys. I saw an old book thar, they sed it wuz five hundred years old, and it belonged at one time to Loois the Seventeenth or Eighteenth, or some of them old rascals²; durned if I believe anybody could read it.
 
Wall I commenced³ a biddin' on different things, but it jist looked as though everybody had more money than I did, and they sort of out-bid me; but finally they put up an old-fashioned shugar bowl fer sale, and I wanted to git that mighty⁴ bad, cos I thought as how mother would like it fust rate. Wall I commenced a biddin' on it, and it wuz knocked down to me fer three dollars and fifty cents I put my hand in my pockit to git my pockit book to pay fer it, and by gosh it was gone. So I went up to the feller what wuz a sellin' the things, and I sed—now look here mister⁵, will you jist wait a minnit with your "goin' at thirty make it thirty-five, once, twice, three times a goin'", and he sed "wall now what's the matter with you?" And I sed, there's matter enuff, by gosh; when I cum in here I had a pockit book in my pockit, had fifty dollars in it, and I lost it somewhars round here; I wish you'd say to the feller what found it that I'll give five dollars fer it; another feller sed "make it ten," another sed "give you twenty," and another sed "go you twenty-five."<............