Coliseo, departmental colonial settlement, or chief city of Romalia, on the fifth of Ratu, of the one hundred and eighth century of the Manatitlan era, decio multiplex.

Revered Advisor:—In accordance with your request, I send you an account of a visit, which in company with the chief and our associates, was made to the temporal dominions of the Mouthpat pope, Innocent First, for the rescue of Roman tits, who had been kidnapped on their return from the monthly visitation of the Coliseo schools. The object of the pope, prompting this human theft, was to effect intimidation by offering them as a public sacrifice, or burnt offering to the god of their worship, after the manner of the Tenockitlans, Manchees, and other civilized nations of Mauna Luna. The vatican, or stronghold of this Animalculan sect, styled Christians, is situated on the leads of the Giga church San Lorenzo, formerly occupied by our colonists, and by them transferred to the Mouthpats as a leasehold to be secured in perpetuation for the consideration of reciprocal good will. The church of San Lorenzo, as it is now called, was remodeled by the present Giga Christian dynasty, from the temple of Faustina, by Antoninus, surnamed the Pious, as a distinctive memorial of regard for his wife. In the process of renovation required for the new form of mythological worship, the outer walls, with their architectural ornaments, were left unmolested above the entablature of the cornice, which upon the inner face, looking out upon 209the leads, contained the sacred dove-cotes or cells. These the Manatitlan colonists had appropriated by ejecting the unbaptized usurpers of the pagan oracles, which in turn they relinquished to the Mouthpat sympathizers of the new ritualists succeeding to the interior of the edifice. The roof was accessible to the Animalculans by a jutting rear X buttress erected for the support of the inner incline of the lateral walls. For a long time the cells were jointly occupied by the Manatitlans and dove descendants of the legitimate Giga divinity of the church, who found themselves controlled in flight by a mysterious power adverse to their natural inclinations and gregarious flock associations. These could have been made excellent substitutes for falcons, but like all of the animal species that congregate in flocks and herds, they were subject to unclean parasites, rendering them obnoxious to purity, which caused their ejection by a process as mysterious to their comprehension, as that which had previously controlled their flight. Ten months previous to our arrival the Giga pope had announced a tourney, or ‘passage-at-arms,’ upon a scale of unprecedented magnificence, for the advancement of a crusade against a race of Moslems, who exacted tribute from Christian pilgrims on their way to the holy sepulchre of their creed. The chief honor to be awarded the victor, was the command of the forces levied for the holy war. But each of the contestants was obliged to offer for the acceptance of the king herald, irrefragable proof of his blood nobility, and faith in the immaculate conception, pope’s infallibility, and Catholic efficacy of saving grace. We arrived in Rome four days previous to the one designated for the grand ceremonial opening of the Animalculan court of valor, which, as a special distinction, was to be honored with the pope’s presence and arbitration. As the descendants of the Mouthpats have not improved in the industrial habits of self-devisement in 210the economy of time for useful purposes, we were able to secure our position on the roof balance of the portico without being observed. Directly opposite is the vatican, or oracular palace of the Pope Innocent. This is one of the larger dove-cotes which had been finished in silicoth by the Manatitlan colonists as an anthemeque, or place of public assemblage, and is now occupied by his “holiness” as the dove successor divinity of the roof. An hour or more after our arrival, the familiars with their working aids commenced the labors of preparation, and from the character of their employments it is evident that there will be no cooing notes of sympathy expended in behalf of suffering victims.

In the northern gutter of the leads the lists are erected. The galleries rise in backward ascent from the arena. The terraced gradations are adapted to rank founded upon material possessions; the lowest are intended for the nobility, or landed proprietors; the next grade is allotted to the rich in gold and silver, or materials in trade, these are styled merchant commoners; the highest or galley, the tribune informs me, is destined for the gods, as the rabble are facetiously called. If the terms of expression interest you, their generic source can be traced in the Chinese and Babylonish manuscripts of Animalculans deposited by our old travelers in the archives of Manicul?; from them you will be able to judge of the progressive attainments of the Romans. Our position will enable us to see and hear all that passes.

The canopy of the ladies gallery is of richly woven material, contributed by a kabulistanee convert to the papal creed; as you will not find an equivalent for the word “lady” and its co-appellative “gentleman” in any of our indigenous writings, I will give you the Coliseo tribune’s version. “A lady in Giga acceptation, is a woman who employs, not only her own, but the time of her servants in the adornment of her body 211with cumbersome material, greatly in excess of her requirements for comfort and comeliness; in addition she does not hesitate to apply pigments to her face. These aids are only limited by the metallic means of supply; and, as your judgment will decide, they detract not alone from personal purity, but render the persons of the Giga females, in fact, repulsive. Still auramentation, with the confirmation of the senses in support of our labors, has proved utterly powerless for the successful stay of the fantastic follies that follow in train from the gratification of woman’s envious rivalry. The term chevalier, or gentleman, is still more vague in acceptation, and application with the Gigas. Like virtue, conscience, morality, and saving grace, the meaning depends upon arbitrary intonations of the voice in application, without true intrinsic value for the expression of means or substance realization. If you, or at least a tit, should ascend to the tier that will be occupied by the gods, and suddenly accost one of the meanest and most blasphemous of the noisy rabble, with the words, “You are no chevalier, or gentleman,” you would be saluted in return with a blow or volley of vile epithets too horrible for exampled utterance.”

He was about to give farther proofs of the illusive beguilements of Giga usage in word conversation, but was interrupted by the blasts of sackbuts, and rumble of kettle-drums, from the tents of the challengers, which were partially concealed by a flowery bosque, which had its source from soil and seeds deposited by the doves. These signals quickened the movements of some blackamoors who were decorating the canopied galleries set apart for the ladies, the pope and his apostolic cardinals. Soon a living stream of Animalculans began to deploy in descent from the buttress turrets of the parapets, and when within hail commenced a series of pantomimic imitations of the blacks’ deformities, accompanied with gibing words, 212as if in cruel preparation for the scenes of the day. Notwithstanding the serious nature of our mission, enhanced with the fear of after self-censure, we could not withhold our instinctive sympathy when the Ethiopians discomfited their democratic Mouthpat assailants, who showed themselves in every respect inferior to their swarthy opponents. The tilting touches of the blackamoors’ tongues, often caused the Mouthpats to wince and brandish their thorn sticks with the well known hereditary twirl, as if they desired to relieve the smart with customary material arguments. The arrival of the higher orders of Animalculan life, mounted on gayly caparisoned blatidean roaches, beetles, and ants, created a diversion with less freedom in expression, yet the democratic tendency of crowds to turbulence was still apparent, for the knights in their turn became subject to the natural flow of depreciation, but in tones subdued in measured prominence to a comparison within and without the reach of the subject’s lance. Finally the ladies were passed in review with rabberly freedom, but ever mindful of the length of the knight attendants’ spears. And lastly, after the beauty, dress, and palfrey management of the ants by the ladies, had been freely discussed, the squires and grooms in livery, received the dredged overplus of scurrilous scoffs and taunts. When the flourish of trumpets and beadle cries reminded them of the more important calls of selfishness for the rival displacement of early comers, we had the disagreeable opportunity of witnessing a scene of uproar that baffles description. During the struggle for places the bailiffs’ staffs were used with a freedom that denoted the lowest degree of servile subjection on the part of the herd.

While forced to listen to the vile language of the “plebs,” we were constrained to hold in the balance of thought the questionable advantage of speech for the advancement of purity and goodness, for as yet, 213an affectionate word, or one of sympathy had not been spoken within my hearing. The Coliseo tribune, who acted as my mentor, informed me that the Giga children of Rome lisped oaths with the first impressions of speech, and with the adventure of sentences used them for anathematizing imprecations in demands for selfish gratification. The pursuivants’ calls, “Aller laisser!” Gallic Latin, of imperative command for space, again attracted our attention to the lists, and from the commotion, it was easy to perceive that the curiosity of the vast assemblage was on the tiptoe of expectation. The prolonged flourish of trumpets, with the clashing rattle and rumble of cymbals and kettle-drums, prepared us for the heralded announcement of the approach of the accredited knights who were to lead as challengers and challenged in the jousts for the awards of honor. While passing in review before the ladies’ and popes’ pavilions, we had an excellent opportunity for comparing the relative intelligence of those representing the different nationalities and septs.

The first group were Austro-Germans; these were large in size and heavy in feature and form, with a pervading vis inertia in their sluggish movements. But to my surprise, the tribune informed me that in ritualistic gymnastry, spear, and sword exercise, they were esteemed the leading nation, although rarely successful in their encounters, as they were too slow and methodical in delivering their blows, and as a general result, they were unroached while deciding upon their point of attack. Calling my attention to their movements, I could not fail to observe the sluggish halo that seemed to invest both riders and cockroach steeds; the latter, he said, grew to an enormous size in Germany, as in omnivorous habits they assimilated with their national contemporaries of the human species, whose intelligence was an instinctive reflection from stomach distention to the brain. Notwithstanding 214the swinish cast of their eyes, and sodden dullness of facial expression, there was out-shadowed a nucleus reflection, through the gross embargo of fungous flesh, that bespoke with its oppressed rays the still existence of the animus of goodness; but it was so faintly luminous that it failed to make its source self-apparent. From the remarks of the tribune, it appeared that the composite peculiarities of the German septs had been derived from a dietetic source, dependent upon the digestive energy of the stomach, and powers of distension for the disposal of sectional ingesta, selected for the expression of divisional patriotism. The mental effect produced was graduated from the wrangling source of irritation, to the philosophic effect of over-distension, conjoined with an owlish expression of vacuity in the region of the eyes. Although in outward expression ritualistically Christian, their mouths and stomachs were infidel in observance on fast-days, strenuously advocating the future resurrection of the body in the stomach. The females belonging to the family of the Count Palatine Von Lushmywitzs, possessed the elements of physical beauty, but there was a subdued expression of the eyes, with a pervading depression of deportment, exhibiting the guardian effects of discipline administered in their male sponsors’ philosophic moods; also in combination, a settled, disgustful despondency, emanating from an association with their lords after they had become filled to repletion with philosophic wisdom. It was easy, however, to perceive the struggling elasticity of purity and goodness in outreaching desire for kindred association, and hopeful deliverance from an entombed death of corruption. Pointing out several knights and ladies of more compact physical attainments, and vivacious movements in the expression of thought correspondence with features, the tribune stated that their improved appearance was solely dependent upon an admixture 215of foreign blood, opposed to swilling barley mead, and coarse gluttony. Many of these had sent their infants to Manatitlan colonistic schools, and, by the after adoption of their children’s example, had raised themselves to a comparative appreciation of the privileges bestowed for the elevation of humanity above the coarser instincts of its sub-alliance with the lower orders of animality.

The next train, in the knightly roachalvacade, embraced in the retinues of its leaders the representative extremes of humanity in the British Isles. They had bluff apetital features, with but a slight remnant predisposition to the philosophical swinishness that enveloped with fatty folds the direct descendants of their Saxo-German antecedents. In the place of jowled lethargy, they presented bold taural fronts, with a canine expression of tenacity about their mouths, that would cause you to involuntarily shrink from a collision with their heads and teeth. Indeed, their general aspect was stout and still in manifestation, indicating strong bodily self-reliance. The women exhibited a robust air of independence, with the pleasing accompaniment of rosy complexions, in strong contrast with the pale, inanimative features of their German cousins, which declared at sight their freedom from servility, with the exhibition of a coexistent power that could turn or tame the obstinate fronts of the males, when within the circle of their domestic domain.

Following close in the rear of English lead, came the Gallic French, who with chattering volubility and grimace, more than supplied the paucity of words used by those in advance. In personal characteristics they were in every respect foreign to their preceding neighbors. Without listening or replying they all talked in medley, which impressed me with the conviction that they had no definite ideas beyond the present evidences of their existence, or hopes of a future free 216from the predominating influence of their bodies’ frivolous selfishness. This impression was confirmed by the tribune, who said that sympathy with, and confidence in their kind, were alike ignored, each holding that the gratification afforded by the passing moment, was the only happiness and real hope, life afforded.

“In accordance with these assumptions, which they verify in act, we have found them loquaciously factious, and quite as unsettled as their Giga countrymen and exemplars; expressing in a breath the strongest terms of wordy affection and hatred for the same person, and in their constantly recurring civil feuds, destroying their rulers and relatives with less compunction than individuals of an opposing race. In verity from frivolous habits in thought and act, they have become despicable examples of the disorganizing effect of infidelity to Creative indications designed for our self-control. The French women, as you observe in the boldness of their public demeanor, are as vivaciously apt for the illustration of the opposite gender’s instinctive ideas of happiness in domestic association, as the German are submissive.”

The Spanish knightly representatives next passed in review. As roach cavaliers, they were far above their predecessors in graceful bearing and dignity of deportment; but their thoughts were inwardly disposed to the sole devotion of self-contemplation, looking down from the lofty pinnacle with supercilious complacency and condescension on all alike, expecting from others the deferential consideration they paid to themselves. The women were veiled and demure in bearing, but the instinctive sparkle of their eyes defied the gauzy fabric’s concealment.

The Italians came next, yielding, as entertainers, precedence to the four leading nations. The Mouthpat descendants of Italian nativity, as is the wont of the stocks derived from their audacious ingraft, 217assumed the lead. Closing the roachavalcade were knight adventurers from lesser nationalities, lacking in numbers sufficient for separate display. Alas, for my own and companion’s vaunted power of self-control over our instinctive passions, when exposed from inexperience to human acts of cruelty committed from the wantonness of power. As these human novelties passed under our curious inspection, panoplied and strangely garbed in glittering armour, one of the sturdy knights attached to the rear, in mere wantonness for the exhibition of his prowess without the risk of rebuttal, with the pretext of a gibing inquiry with regard to the health of his maternal parent, suspended an unoffending tit dwarf by thrusting his spear through his jerkin, holding him aloft, while the blood from a flesh wound trickled over his hose. It was well for the successful issue of our undertaking that a kindly disposed herald not only relieved him from his uncomfortable plight but gave him the wherewith for the purchase of another garment with the largesse he had received from the other knights, and in retribution ejecting the offender with disgrace from the lists. This justly merited punishment pacified our irate desire to call the aggressor to an account for his wanton cruelty. The warmth of our sympathetic pity caused the Coliseos, with a smile, to warn us that if we attempted to redress all the wanton and cruel aggressions that would be forced upon our notice, with the infliction of bodily punishment, we should be obliged to forego the benefits of peaceful example altogether. “We are powerless to stay the barbarous cruelties they practice among themselves, and our interference would only serve to aggravate the spirit of retaliation. From the beginning, the course pursued by our people has been beset with many temptations provoking arbitrary interference for the redress of wrongs. But they have managed to escape free from serious difficulty up to the present time, and our presence here 218to-day was compelled by affectionate sympathy to save the lives of well disposed parents whose children have been intrusted to our charge. With your aid we can now make a lasting impression that will prevent future aggressions, for they have a hereditary dread of the actual presence of the unadulterated Manatitlans.”

The trumpets sounding a parley for the announcement of the regulations of the day, and terms of the challengers, caused us to give hasty thanks to the tribune for his timely admonitions, with the promise that we would try and hold our feelings aloof from passionate excitement in behalf of all except those in whose aid we had enlisted. The lull that succeeded the herald’s call permitted us to hear the alheu of the pursuivant, but the special conditions of the challengers were drowned by the renewed buzz of voices. Gathering strength from personal retorts, they gave birth to sounds ranging from the high nasal to the low guttural of the German dialects, accommodating themselves to fragmentary enunciations of words, and the most dissonant syllabic combinations possible in conjuration from the rumbling intonations of indigestion. These crudities were jargonized with the curt unconsolidated English, the fustian croak of the Dutch, Gallic flippancy, slipshod Irish, and the nasal bagpipe drone or burr of the Scotch; to which was added the quavering Italian, the soft flow of the Spanish, with cadenced harmony of intonation, and the horrible rasping cartilaginous utterances of the Jewish nose, so repulsively selfish that endurance shudders in memory of the infliction. The tumult of tongues intercepted and confused the herald’s announcement, so that we were dependent upon the pantomimic acts of the stewards and beadles for an interpretation of the decrees regulating the combat. The Coliseos were in no way anxious to witness the medlarious enactments, so we were preferred to the most eligible positions for 219the gratification of our newly fledged curiosity, which I am ashamed to confess was over eager, and for the occasion must have lowered us in the estimation of our cousins. Our position exposed to us, in side view, the entire multitude in its caste gradations, from the canopied pope and cardinals and their created nobility, with the “fair ladyes” occupying the pavilion opposite, upward through the terraced ascent to the “strident gods,” who worried each other with true mythological zest when disengaged from the supervision of those below. When eager expectation was at its height, attention was diverted from the lists by solemn long drawn blasts of sackbuts accompanied with the roll of drums. This new phase closed the mouths of yelping instinct, and with the awed hush, the object cause of the doleful braying made its appearance from the gates of a dovecot abbey. This was a priestly procession moving with slow cadenced steps to the sound of an anthemed dirge. The tribune, who seemed to be intuitively apprized of all the movements in the routine phases of priestcraft, informed me that the procession preceded by the palled bier indicated a judicial combat, which was instituted for the final decision by the judgment of God of right and wrong in argument, as well as the guilt and innocence of persons accused of crimes. Farther exposition was anticipated by the entrance of a herald into the arena, who proclaimed, with an alheu,—“Whereas, it has occurred,—to the extreme mortification of his holiness,—that certain of the consistorial incumbents,—to wit, the holy brothers Bonefacio and Buenaventura, have differed in their estimate concerning the preferred essentials of sufficient and efficacious grace; giving rise to the implied accusations of perjury, with taunts, that in the warmth of expression exceeded the bounds of Christian forbearance,—it has been determined by our holy father, that they shall have extended to them the privilege 220of deciding a question so important to their respective personalities, and the general welfare of souls, by the ordeal of battle. In referring the detection of the perjured to the judgment of God, the doom pronounced upon the convicted,—in vindication of the just and holy laws instituted by the gracious clemency of our holy father,—it hath been adjudged that the respondents be awarded the benefit of knight champions, who for the love and sustenance of truth, in devotion to the holy mother church, shall offer, in willing submission, their bodies with arms for the decision of the question at issue, using their utmost exertion in skillful encounter, that the perjured may suffer merited punishment.”

The instinctive elements of humanity, like those which hold irruptive sway from excessive accumulation in the earth’s interior, involve anticipatory emotions of coming events. As, with the vacuum lull of the forest that heralds the tornado; or, in the ocean calm, the bubbling ripple crests which warn the volantaph of an approaching tempest; and the dread silence that precedes the earthquake’s convulsive throes,—the congregated multitude in counterpart had anticipated from the dirge the startling premonition of some horrible gratification. From suppressed respiratory gaze, unbroken except from an occasional Jewish croak, or belching eructations from uncircumcised barbarians unaccustomed to the suppressed control of reverential awe, the multitude, when the cause for the sombre prelude was announced, burst the bonds of thoughtless silence with deafening shouts for champions. The knights no less prompt offered their service in mass, so that it became necessary for the interdicted prelates to make selection of champions; in aid the heralds sounded their call for a parade procession. As the squires brought in the knightly equipments for their masters, the grooms led in the panoplied war-roaches. When mounted the knights passed 221in review before the consistorial pavilion. Exposed to the searching glances of spiritual and temporal criticism they exerted all their dexterity in the management of the roach-steeds and in the changing exercise of sword and spear to win the favor of an election. Cardinal Bonefacio had with other accomplishments acquired the reputation of being an expert roach equitator, as well as a skillful artist in the use of arms, in his temporal days. Buenaventura, his polemical adversary, aware of these advantages, and his own defective judgment, sought by the chicanery of his eyes to detect Cardinal Bonefacio’s preference, as in casting lots he had won the first choice, which would enable him to secure the champion of his opponent’s election. Among the knights there was one from Tipperary, a county shire in the Island of Hibernation, a dependency of Albion. This knight bore the title and name of Sir O’Ham Ill Tong, of Scythio-Mongolian extraction. His brogue, and quaint peculiarities of speaking in reversion, had attracted the tribune’s attention, who was familiar with the derivation of his sept and lingual idiom. He informed me that the literal meaning of his name was bad pork, as it was customary with the Mongolian tribes to name those outlawed from the hereditary cognomen of Kan Avan, or John, the son of the tribe, with the cause of defection; which in his case might have been inherited from ancestral resemblance, exchanging a bad article for good, or stealing from his own tribe, as each of these crimes were punished with bestowal of a name referring to the cause of attaint. His squire still bore the tribal name, and for economy enacted the part of roach-groom. This unique pair had attracted mirthful attention, and were the especial favorites of the gods; the knight for correspondence with name, and Kan Avan, his squire, for successful apish imitation of his master’s traits; but both were so blinded with boastful vanity that even 222the scoffing plaudits of the hinds ministered to its inflation. Cardinal Bonefacio, being in disposition humorously inclined, could not divert his eyes from the combined comicalities of their forms, pretensions, and clownish movements. This marked interest at once decided the choice of Cardinal Buenaventura. The wisdom of his selection was confirmed when the generosity of Bonefacio suggested a more prudent election. Finding that his colleague’s determination could not be changed, Bonefacio made Don Bacalao his proxy, a Spanish knight who depended upon his dignity and purity of lineage for success.

The cardinals having selected their champions, the lists were cleared for the encounter, the beadles remaining to enforce the ritualistic regulations. When the champions had assumed their positions, the barrier gates were opened to admit the judicial brotherhood, who while chanting their dirge proceeded to the centre of the arena and there deposited the bier with its palled coffin, upon which had been placed a skull and crossed bones of the human leg; over these as a dividing barrier the two champions would be required to thrust their lances in closing career. With this sable wall interposed, gravely premonitory with its relict escutcheon, of sepulchral entertainment, Sir O’Ham’s face became blanched, while the point of his spear directed heavenward described in trembling movements a geometrical medley of circles with acute triangles, as if engaged in calculating his chances of being elected a tenant. The face of the Spaniard, more intelligent in expression, but with deeper set fanatical lines, became overshadowed with fitful gloom as he intently watched the ominous proceedings of the cortege. Even the “gods” became silent with awe, in the presence of these foreboding evidences of the end of mortality, involuntarily crossing their foreheads and breasts with their fingers, as if to exorcise inevitable fate. With the sound of the trumpets for 223the charge, the perturbation of Sir O’Ham Ill Tong caused him to lose all control over himself and spear, the latter in its fall to rest encountered the beadle’s head. The blow was as free from the attaint of misdirection as it would have been in the most skillful hands with the intention of producing the prostrate result which it accomplished with the beadle. Although reduced to an attitude of supplication, the victim of this mishap gave voice to language widely at variance with the formulistic words used in Catholic prayer. The beadle’s uncontrollable anger, and the increased confusion of the champion, were of that humorous cast that renders mirth irresistible, even under the impression of imposing solemnities, and the restraining presence of those high in worshipful authority. In the present instance, the pope was constrained to turn his head aside, but his jowls shook and vibrated with jellied throbs that absolved even the ladies, in the opposite pavilion, from the painful effort that would have been required to conceal their mirthful emotions. The contagious effect of boisterous laughter would have made irresistible headway with the democratic elements of the godhead, but for the timely forethought of the heralds, and the mettlesome impatience of the roaches, which seconded with spirit the trumpet’s sound to charge. This the disgraced beadle, with aching head, encouraged with a smart kick applied to a sensitive part of O’Ham’s steed, causing it to start in its career with an impetus that nearly unseated the worthy knight. Losing his stirrups at the start the champion of Cardinal Buenaventura was obliged to exercise all the presence of mind within his reach to restrain his fiery roach from the dreaded encounter over the sable barrier; but fed at the table of the Giga pontiff, restraint was impossible. Notwithstanding the mad career of the high-fed roach, the knight with instinctive bravery clutched his spear, and would have directed it with his usual 224skill to the barret bars of Don Bacalao’s visor (recorded from his after confession) had not the doomed (by after intention) knight anticipated delayed design by the then present achievement of the same purpose with successful effect; his spear’s point catching in the slits of O’Ham’s visor he was hurled from his saddle a perjured man. His dangling spear having wounded one of the judicial brotherhood that was added to the sum of his day’s disgrace. Hisses, and contemptuous words of scorn saluted the knight’s highly sensitive instincts from the mouths of high and low degree when raised from his grovelings in the dust. To his discomfiture was added the pains and penalties of knightly disgrace that condemned his memory to infamy. Stripped of his armor by the beadles and grooms, his spurs were hacked from the heels of his brogans. The tribune informs me, that the name of the shoe is derived from the resemblance of its creak to the Hibernian’s brogue. His roach steed, and squire, participating in their master’s disgrace, were stripped of their housings, but the former, apparently less sensitive in the appreciation of his perjured condition, shook his blattidial wings with relieved satisfaction, in lively contrast with the crooning wirra of his companions. Then the three unfortunates were reduced as nearly to a state of nature as the regulations of modesty permitted; the knight and squire were haltered and placed upon the roach in a reversed position and led from the arena amid the jeers of the multitude. The heartless lack of pitying sympathy shown to the knight and his companions in misfortune, aroused in our breasts emotions akin to indignation, but we were again warned that we must not be prodigal with our kindly instincts unless we wished to bankrupt them in utter disgust. Finding ourselves constantly astray with the kindly yearnings of our inexperience in the ways of worldly human instinct, we resolved to set aside the integrity of our home 225impressions and abide by the direction of the Coliseo’s example.

When the judicial ordeal closed, his holiness and consistorials left the lists, that the people might enjoy their more profane amusements free from the embarrassment imposed by their sacred presence, Cardinal Buenaventura showing especial chagrin in being obliged to acknowledge that effectual grace was not sufficient. The only representatives of the priesthood remaining in the lists, who were not in the actual charge of souls, were abbots and priors, with their canons of inferior calibre, none of the Episcopal diocesans venturing to remain, although many cast longing and critical glances to the appointments and bearings of the knights through whose arrayed ranks they filed out of the lists on their way to the vatican. The judicial brotherhood with their dismal bar to joviality, and prisoners, disappeared within the gates of their sanctuary.

The relief from the combined influence of the departed became immediately manifest in the bantering freedom of all the gradations of the assemblage; the clergy leading in the display of wit and gallantry, but in a manner that frequently trenched upon the laity’s interested sense of propriety. The Joust, from the delay occasioned by the judicial combat, was now hastened, and the two processions were but shortly housed before the first two lances were splintered. Count San Pietro Marceroni, Captain of the Papal Guard, was the Italian’s Mouthpat champion, and had succeeded in gaining a slight advantage in bearing off the cockscomb that surmounted the helmet of Count Saint Poll de Parrote, a French knight of great renown, as an adept in the chivalric accomplishments of the age, as well as in the gastronomic art, having been elected by the Pope chief of cuisine, esteemed the most important office within his gift. Between the two knights there had been a 226warm rivalry for the favors of Princessa Idolisima Canonica, a niece of the pope, after his election to the Papal chair. As upon the result of the encounter the pope’s favor depended, the friends of Count Parrote, confident in his successful prowess, had presented him the helmet he wore as a presage of victory. This was surmounted with a cock’s head, neck, wings, tail, and comb, all in exultant elevation, as if sounding the highest octave in the clarion notes of victory. His countrymen, with still greater assurance, had caused the artist to execute a wreath composed of hearts, spear-heads, and trefoil, worked in gold; this circled and was attached to the cock’s crest. When this was borne off by the well directed aim of Count Marceroni’s spear point, I will acknowledge that I felt an instinctive thrill of elation. Still if his signal skill had resulted otherwise than in a bloodless victory, notwithstanding the flippant presumption of Count Parrote, I am assured that I should have felt a tremor of dismayed horror. In sustaining the reputation he had won Count Marceroni successively overthrew the stalwart son of Baron Biermywitzs, a young knight with an excellent German reputation for capacity. Baron Brainoff, a Muscovite with a heavy animal cast of countenance, theoretically accomplished in the Tartar tactics of thrust, run, and come again, which he displayed; but the arena was too contracted for their successful evolution, for he was overtaken and overthrown, his roach participating in his fall. His last encounter was with Baron von Wolfenstein, an Austrian knight with a powerful phlegmatic physique of vis inertia. At the start he placed his lance in rest over the carapace of his roach with the hopeful expectation of finding his opponent impaled thereon after the course had been run. When, from a defect in his calculation of his foe’s condescension, he found himself a prostrate companion with his steed, he did not exhibit 227in his movements the least symptom of chagrin, although saluted with the derisive jests of the democratic plebs, who appeared to enjoy with intense satisfaction the privilege of jousting their superiors with revilings, when temporarily reduced to their own groveling level. After a leisurely survey of his situation he slowly, by easy stages, regained his upright position without the proffered aid of the beadles; then with sluggish movements unlaced his beaver, and raising his visor, showed a face wreathed in torpid smiles that seemed to have had their rise from the recognition of the scoffing taunts as plaudits for the execution of some knightly achievement that had escaped his memory. This innocent act of mazy stupidity was taken by the spectators as a witty assumption in burlesque of victory, and vividly impressed with his supposed humorous aptness they made the welkin echo with their shouts of applause, until he had bowed himself out of the lists. Count Marceroni, by this democratic misapprehension of cause and effect, was completely robbed of the merited zest due to his adroit exhibition of skill in the precise use of weapons, and the Austrian Baron, the least worthy of his antagonists, was established as the prime favorite of the worshipful gods.

Turning to the tribune a look of inquiry, I observed with surprise that his face, for the first time, was suffused with a pleased expression. In explanation, he said that the scene I had just witnessed was a truthful exposition of the source from which a majority of the Gigas and Animalculans derived their reputations for wisdom, wit, and invention; in truth, he continued, musingly, you can take it as a fair demonstration of the substance of their living realities. Embracing the opportunity, he again advised us not to let our Manatitlan natures interpose their sensitive perceptions for the gratuitous bestowal of praise or pity, as they would serve to mar the relish of comical 228effects afforded by the hap-hazard novelties in store from the heterogeneous imitations of Giga habits and customs.

While the “fun” provoked by the suppositious humor of the Austrian baron, Wolfenstein, was at its height, the heralds announced the melée. The arena, in this promiscuous scene of antagonism, was so completely filled with knights and their roach steeds that the space between the challengers and challenged only afforded a limited movement, short spears having been substituted for the longer and more cumbersome couch-lance, but the favorite weapons were clubs, swords, and battle-axes. As the combatants were so nearly in contact with each other when unroached, they discarded all weapons save the short dagger, and it was fearful to behold the fierce blows dealt with it, for instead of men the combatants appeared like enraged beasts who used knives, and other weapons, in the place of claws. But as the horrible scene progressed, we were often obliged to turn our faces aside from dizzy faintness. The roaches imitating the fierce example of their riders became infuriate, seizing with their mandibles opposing legs and antenn?, so that many were disabled by mutilating attacks both in front and rear, for in the melée they showed as little regard for honorable usage of the parts exposed as their riders. It was gratifying to see that a majority of the ladies’ heads were bowed down, with their hands tightly pressed upon their ears, and it was long after all the evidences of the bloody fray had been removed that they again assumed an upright position. This evidence of sensitive repugnance, on the part of women personally known to them, produced a congratulatory revulsion with the Coliseos, who hailed it as a favorable omen, with the hope that its influence had turned aside the fanatical intentions that meditated the sacrifice of the kidnapped tits upon the altars of superstition. In the 229enthusiasm of the moment, my mentor exclaimed: “I firmly believe that there is not a Giga or Animalculan mother in Italy, who, in freedom from bias, would refuse the privilege of having their children educated in accordance with the Manatitlan system!”

After the sand had been renewed in the lists to cover the unsightly stains, a light and joyous rondalen was sounded, and the commingled challengers and challenged were seen issuing from their tents in the wooded bosque, and mounting fresh roaches, newly caparisoned with gay trappings, they again entered the lists. When the roachavalcade reached the barrier vestibule, the heralds proclaimed: “Count San Pietro Marceroni, the elected king champion of the lists, in whom is vested absolute authority, and honors that will remain inviolate, until in an approved tourney a worthy successor can be found. Salute your champion king!” The trumpets then sounded the crowning tan-tarra, while the count, assisted by twelve knights-of-honor, dismounted and was invested with the kingly robes of love and honor, then kneeling upon a richly wrought carpet he was crowned by the master of ceremonies with the consecrated chaplet of Mars. As he rose the vast assemblage saluted him with the exclamations: “Long live the noble Count San Pietro Marceroni, king champion of the lists!” the mouthed concussions of boisterous adulation causing the canopies to vibrate with the echoing sound of noisy and noisome breath.

Again the braying of trumpets and clash of cymbals overpowered the tumultuous shouts of the multitude, and when sufficiently hushed for a single voice to be heard, the grand master gave utterance in proclamation to the maxim: “It is not good for man to rule alone! And, in obedience to well approved custom, and the chivalric gallantry of brave hearts, it hath been adjudged that after his own installation the king champion shall, from his own choice, elect a 230queen of love and beauty to preside in public at feast and festival during the term of his regality. In accordance with this imperative decree our salutations await his choice!”

Mounting his richly caparisoned blattidean roach with a graceful vault, Count Marceroni caused him to execute a variety of changes in pace of the most difficult posing gaits imaginable; and, while passing from a demi-amble to a demi-cavolt, raised from its cushion in the hands of his squire the chaplet designed for his queen upon the point of his lance, allowing it to rest in loop upon its cross-check. This adroit feat was greeted with shouts of applause, which stimulated him to enact a great variety of euphuistic attitudes,—a species of pantomimic male coquetry............