OUR FIRST NIGHT. - UNDER CANVAS. - AN APPEAL FOR HELP. - CONTRARINESS OFTEA-KETTLES, HOW TO OVERCOME. - SUPPER. - HOW TO FEEL VIRTUOUS. - WANTED!

　　A COMFORTABLY-APPOINTED, WELL-DRAINED DESERT ISLAND, NEIGHBOURHOOD OFSOUTH PACIFIC OCEAN PREFERRED. - FUNNY THING THAT HAPPENED TO GEORGE'SFATHER. - A RESTLESS NIGHT.

　　HARRIS and I began to think that Bell Weir lock must have been done awaywith after the same manner. George had towed us up to Staines, and wehad taken the boat from there, and it seemed that we were dragging fiftytons after us, and were walking forty miles. It was half-past seven whenwe were through, and we all got in, and sculled up close to the leftbank, looking out for a spot to haul up in.

　　We had originally intended to go on to Magna Charta Island, a sweetlypretty part of the river, where it winds through a soft, green valley,and to camp in one of the many picturesque inlets to be found round thattiny shore. But, somehow, we did not feel that we yearned for thepicturesque nearly so much now as we had earlier in the day. A bit ofwater between a coal-barge and a gas-works would have quite satisfied usfor that night. We did not want scenery. We wanted to have our supperand go to bed. However, we did pull up to the point - "Picnic Point," itis called - and dropped into a very pleasant nook under a great elm-tree,to the spreading roots of which we fastened the boat.

　　Then we thought we were going to have supper (we had dispensed with tea,so as to save time), but George said no; that we had better get thecanvas up first, before it got quite dark, and while we could see what wewere doing. Then, he said, all our work would be done, and we could sitdown to eat with an easy mind.

　　That canvas wanted more putting up than I think any of us had bargainedfor. It looked so simple in the abstract. You took five iron arches,like gigantic croquet hoops, and fitted them up over the boat, and thenstretched the canvas over them, and fastened it down: it would take quiteten minutes, we thought.

　　That was an under-estimate.

　　We took up the hoops, and began to drop them into the sockets placed forthem. You would not imagine this to be dangerous work; but, looking backnow, the wonder to me is that any of us are alive to tell the tale. Theywere not hoops, they were demons. First they would not fit into theirsockets at all, and we had to jump on them, and kick them, and hammer atthem with the boat-hook; and, when they were in, it turned out that theywere the wrong hoops for those particular sockets, and they had to comeout again.

　　But they would not come out, until two of us had gone and struggled withthem for five minutes, when they would jump up suddenly, and try andthrow us into the water and drown us. They had hinges in the middle,and, when we were not looking, they nipped us with these hinges indelicate parts of the body; and, while we were wrestling with one side ofthe hoop, and endeavouring to persuade it to do its duty, the other sidewould come behind us in a cowardly manner, and hit us over the head.

　　We got them fixed at last, and then all that was to be done was toarrange the covering over them. George unrolled it, and fastened one endover the nose of the boat. Harris stood in the middle to take it fromGeorge and roll it on to me, and I kept by the stern to receive it. Itwas a long time coming down to me. George did his part all right, but itwas new work to Harris, and he bungled it.

　　How he managed it I do not know, he could not explain himself; but bysome mysterious process or other he succeeded, after ten minutes ofsuperhuman effort, in getting himself completely rolled up in it. He wasso firmly wrapped round and tucked in and folded over, that he could notget out. He, of course, made frantic struggles for freedom - thebirthright of every Englishman, - and, in doing so (I learned thisafterwards), knocked over George; and then George, swearing at Harris,began to struggle too, and got himself entangled and rolled up.

　　I knew nothing about all this at the time. I did not understand thebusiness at all myself. I had been told to stand where I was, and waittill the canvas came to me, and Montmorency and I stood there and waited,both as good as gold. We could see the canvas being violently jerked andtossed about, pretty considerably; but we supposed this was part of themethod, and did not interfere.

　　We also heard much smothered language coming from underneath it, and weguessed that they were finding the job rather troublesome, and concludedthat we would wait until things had got a little simpler before we joinedin.

　　We waited some time, but matters seemed to get only more and moreinvolved, until, at last, George's head came wriggling out over the sideof the boat, and spoke up.

　　It said:

　　"Give us a hand here, can't you, you cuckoo; standing there like astuffed mummy, when you see we are both being suffocated, you dummy!"I never could withstand an appeal for help, so I went and undid them; notbefore it was time, either, for Harris was nearly black in the face.

　　It took us half an hour's hard labour, after that, before it was properlyup, and then we cleared the decks, and got out supper. We put the kettleon to boil, up in the nose of the boat, and went down to the stern andpretended to take no notice of it, but set to work to get the otherthings out.

　　That is the only way to get a kettle to boil up the river. If it seesthat you are waiting for it and are anxious, it will never even sing.

　　You have to go away and begin your meal, as if you were not going to haveany tea at all. You must not even look round at it. Then you will soonhear it sputtering away, mad to be made into tea.

　　It is a good plan, too, if you are in a great hurry, to talk very loudlyto each other about how you don't need any tea, and are not going to haveany. You get near the kettle, so that it can overhear you, and then youshout out, "I don't want any tea; do you, George?" to which George shoutsback, "Oh, no, I don't like tea; we'll have lemonade instead - tea's soindigestible." Upon which the kettle boils over, and puts the stove out.

　　We adopted this harmless bit of trickery, and the result was that, by thetime everything else was ready, the tea was waiting. Then we lit thelantern, and squatted down to supper.

　　We wanted that supper.

　　For five-and-thirty minutes not a sound was heard throughout the lengthand breadth of that boat, save the clank of cutlery and crockery, and thesteady grinding of four sets of molars. At the end of five-and-thirtyminutes, Harris said, "Ah!" and took his left leg out from under him andput his right one there instead.

　　Five minutes afterwards, George said, "Ah!" too, and threw his plate outon the bank; and, three minutes later than that, Montmorency gave thefirst sign of contentment he had exhibited since we had started, androlled over on his side, and spread his legs out; and then I said, "Ah!"and bent my head back, and bumped it against one of the hoops, but I didnot mind it. I did not even swear.

　　How good one feels when one is full - how satisfied with ourselves andwith the world! People who have tried it, tell me that a clearconscience makes you very happy and contented; but a full stomach doesthe business quite as well, and is cheaper, and more easily obtained.

　　One feels so forgiving and generous after a substantial and well-digestedmeal - so noble-minded, so kindly-hearted.

　　It is very strange, this domination of our intellect by our digestiveorgans. We cannot work, we cannot think, unless our stomach wills so.

　　It dictates to us our emotions, our passions. After eggs and bacon, itsays, "Work!" After beefsteak and porter, it says, "Sleep!" After a cupof tea (two spoonsful for each cup, and don't let it stand more thanthree minutes), it says to the brain, "Now, rise, and show your strength.

　　Be eloquent, and deep, and tender; see, with a clear eye, into Nature andinto life; spread your white wings of quivering thought, and soar, a god-like spirit, over the whirling world beneath you, up through long lanesof flaming stars to the gates of eternity!"After hot muffins, it says, "Be dull and soulless, like a beast of thefield - a brainless animal, with listless eye, unlit by any ray of fancy,or of hope, or fear, or love, or life." And after brandy, taken insufficient quantity, it says, "Now, come, fool, grin and tumble, thatyour fellow-men may laugh - drivel in folly, and splutter in senselesssounds, and show what a helpless ninny is poor man whose wit and will aredrowned, like kittens, side by side, in half an inch of alcohol."We are but the veriest, sorriest slaves of our stomach. Reach not aftermorality and righteousness, my friends; watch vigilantly your stomach,and diet it with care and judgment. Then virtue and contentment willcome and reign within your heart, unsought by any effort of your own; andyou will be a good citizen, a loving husband, and a tender father - anoble, pious man.

　　Before our supper, Harris and George and I were quarrelsome and snappyand ill-tempered; after our supper, we sat and beamed on one another, andwe beamed upon the dog, too. We loved each other, we loved everybody.

　　Harris, in moving about, trod on George's corn. Had this happened beforesu............