Bee made us feel self-conscious at times, a punishment that visitors will unintentionally inflict on their complacenthosts. Her presence seemed to radiate a surgical light. We began to see ourselves as a group that acted without design,avoided making decisions, took turns being stupid and emotionally unstable, left wet towels everywhere, mislaid ouryoungest member. Whatever we did was suddenly a thing that seemed to need explaining. My wife was especiallydisconcerted. If Denise was a pint-sized commissar, nagging us to higher conscience, then Bee was a silent witness,calling the very meaning of our lives into question. I watched Babette stare into her cupped hands, aghast.
That chirping sound was just the radiator.
Bee was quietly disdainful of wisecracks, sarcasm and other family business. A year older than Denise, she was taller,thinner, paler, both worldly and ethereal, as though in her heart she was not a travel writer at all, as her mother hadsaid she wished to be, but simply a traveler, the purer form, someone who collects impressions, dense anatomies offeeling, but does not care to record them.
She was self-possessed and thoughtful, had brought us hand-carved gifts from the jungles. She took taxis to schooland dance class, spoke a little Chinese, had once wired money to a stranded friend. I admired her in a distant anduneasy way, sensing a nameless threat, as if she were not my child at all but the sophisticated and self-reliant friendof one of my children. Was Murray right? Were we a fragile unit surrounded by hostile facts? Would I promoteignorance, prejudice and superstition to protect my family from the world?
On Christmas Day, Bee sat by the fireplace in our seldom used living room, watching the turquoise flames. She worea long loose khaki outfit that looked casually expensive. I sat in the armchair with three or four gift boxes in my lap,apparel and tissue paper hanging out. My dog-eared copy of Mein Kampf rested on the floor at the side of the chair.
Some of the other people were in the kitchen preparing the meal, some had gone upstairs to investigate their gifts inprivate. The TV said: "This creature has developed a complicated stomach in keeping with its leafy diet.""I don't like this business with Mother," Bee said in a voice of cultivated distress. "She looks keyed-up all the time.
Like she's worried about something but she's not sure what it is. It's Malcolm, of course. He's got his jungle. Whatdoes she have? A huge airy kitchen with a stove that belongs in a three-star restaurant in the provinces. She put allher energy into that kitchen, but for what? It's not a kitchen at all. It's her life, her middle age. Baba could enjoy akitchen like that. It would be a kitchen to her. To Mother it's like a weird symbol of getting through a crisis, exceptshe hasn't gotten through it.""Your mother is not sure exactly who her husband is.""That's not the basic problem. The basic problem is that she doesn't know who she is. Malcolm is in the highlandsliving on tree bark and snake. That's who Malcolm is. He needs heat and humidity. He's got like how many degreesin foreign affairs and economics but all he wants to do is squat under a tree and watch tribal people pack mud all overtheir bodies. They're fun to watch. What does Mother do for fun?"Bee was small-featured except for her eyes, which seemed to contain two forms of life, the subject matter and itshidden implications. She talked about Babette's effortless skills in making things work, the house, the kids, the flowof the routine universe, sounding a little like me, but there was a secondary sea-life moving deep in the iris of her eye.
What did it mean, what was she really saying, why did she seem to expect me to respond in kind? She wanted tocommunicate in this secondary way, with optic fluids. She would have her suspicions confirmed, find out about me.
But what suspicions did she harbor and what was there to find out? I began to worry. As the odor of burning toastfilled the house, I tried to get her to talk about life in the seventh grade.
"Is the ki............