They began by reading one of my jeux d’esprit, a brief letter in verse, addressed to a certain Calpurnianus on the subject of a tooth-powder. When Calpurnianus produced my letter as evidence against me, his desire to do me a hurt blinded him to the fact that if anything in the letter could be urged as a reproach against me, he shared in that reproach. For the verses testify to the fact that he had asked me to send him the wherewithal to clean his teeth:

Good morrow! Friend Calpurnianus, take

the salutation these swift verses make.

Wherewith I send, responsive to thy call,

a powder rare to cleans thy teeth withal.

This delicate dust of Arab spices fine,

shall smooth the swollen gums and sweep away

the relics of the feast of yesterday.

So shall no foulness, no dark smirch be seen,

if laughter shown thy teeth their lips between.

I ask you, what is there in these verses that is disgusting in point either of matter or of manner? What is there that a philosopher should be ashamed to own? Unless indeed I am to blame for sending a powder made of Arabian spices to Calpurnianus, for whom it would be more suitable that he should

Polish his teeth and ruddy gums,

as Catullus says, after the filthy fashion in vogue among the Iberians.