I purchase new Clothes — reprimand Strutwell and Straddle — Banter proposes another matrimonial Scheme — I accept of his Terms — set out to Bath in the Stage-coach with the young Lady and her Mother — the Behaviour of an Officer and Lawyer — our fellow Travellers described — a smart dialogue between my Mistress and the Captain

Having finished this affair to my satisfaction, I found myself perfectly at ease; and, looking upon the gaming-table as a certain resource for a gentleman in want, became more gay than ever. Although my clothes were almost as good as new, I grew ashamed of wearing them, because I thought everybody by this time had got an inventory of my wardrobe. For which reason I disposed of a good part of my apparel to a salesman in Monmouth Street for half the value, and bought two new suits with the money. I likewise purchased a plain gold watch, despairing of recovering that which I had so foolishly given to Strutwell, whom, notwithstanding, I still continued to visit at his levee, until the ambassador he had mentioned set out with a secretary of his own choosing. I thought myself then at liberty to expostulate with his lordship, whom I treated with great freedom in a letter, for amusing me with vain hopes, when he neither had the power nor inclination to provide for me. Nor was I less reserved with Straddle, whom I in person reproached for misrepresenting to me the character of Strutwell, which I did not scruple to aver was infamous in every respect. He seemed very much enraged at my freedom, talked a great deal about his quality and honour, and began to make some comparisons which I thought so injurious to mine, that I demanded an explanation with great warmth, and he was mean enough to equivocate, and condescend in such a manner that I left him with a hearty contempt of his behaviour.

About this time, Banter, who had observed a surprising and sudden alteration in my appearance and disposition, began to inquire very minutely into the cause, and, as I did not think fit to let him know the true state of the affair, lest he might make free with my purse, on the strength of having proposed the scheme that filled it, I told him that I had received a small supply from a relation in the country, who at the same time had proffered to use all his interest (which was not small) in soliciting some post for me that should make me easy for life. “If that be the case,” said Banter, “perhaps you won’t care to mortify yourself a little in making your fortune another way. I have a relation who is to set out for Bath next week, with an only daughter, who being sickly and decrepit, intends to drink the waters for the recovery of her health. Her father, who was a rich Turkey merchant, died about a year ago, and left her with a fortune of twenty thousand pounds, under the sole management of her mother, who is my kinswoman. I would have put in for the plate myself, but there is a breach at present between the old woman and me. You must know, that some time ago I borrowed a small sum of her and promised, it seems, to pay it before a certain time; but being disappointed in my expectation of money from the country, the day elapsed without my being able to take up my note; upon which she wrote a peremptory letter, threatening to arrest me, if I did not pay the debt immediately. Nettled at this precise behaviour, I sent a d — d severe answer, which enraged her so much that she actually took out a writ against me. Whereupon, finding the thing grow serious, I got a friend to advance the money for me, discharged the debt, went to her house, and abused her for her unfriendly dealing. She was provoked by my reproaches, and scolded in her turn. The little deformed urchin joined her mother with such virulence and volubility of tongue, that I was fain to make a retreat, after having been honoured with a great many scandalous epithets, which gave me plainly to understand that I had nothing to hope from the esteem of the one, or the affection of the other. As they are both utter strangers to life, it is a thousand to one that the girl will be picked up by some scoundrel or other at Bath, if I don’t provide for her otherwise. You are a well-looking fellow, Random, and can behave as demurely as a quaker. If you will give me an obligation of five hundred pounds, to be paid six months after your marriage, I will put you in a method of carrying her in spite of all opposition.”

This proposal was too advantageous for me to be refused. The writing was immediately drawn up and executed; and Banter, giving me notice of the time when, and the stage coach in which they were to set out, I bespoke a place in the same convenience; and, having hired a horse for Strap, who was chagrined with the prospect, set forward accordingly.

As we embarked before day, I had not the pleasure for some time of seeing Miss Snapper (that was the name of my mistress), nor even of perceiving the number and sex of my fellow travellers, although I guessed that the coach was full, by the difficulty I found in seating myself. The first five minutes passed in a general silence, when, all of a sudden, the coach heeling to one side, a boisterous voice pronounced, “To the right and left, cover your flanks, d — me! whiz!” I easily discovered by the tone and matter of this exclamation that it was uttered by a son of Mars; neither was it hard to conceive the profession of another person who sat opposite to me, and observed that we ought to have been well satisfied of our security before we entered upon the premises. These two sallies had not the desired effect. We continued a good while as mute as before, till at length the gentleman of the sword, impatient of longer silence, made a second effort, by swearing he had got into a meeting of quakers. “I believe so too,” said a shrill female voice at my left hand, “for the spirit of folly begins to move.” “Out with it then, madam!” replied the soldier. “You seem to have no occasion for a midwife,” cried the lady. “D— mn my blood!” exclaimed the other, “a man can’t talk to a woman, but she immediately thinks of a midwife.” “True sir,” said she, “I long to be delivered.” “What of — a mouse, madam?” said lie. “No, Sir,” said she, “of a fool.” “Are you far gone with a fool?” said he. “Litt............