Wagtail introduces me to set of fine Gentlemen with whom I spend the Evening at a Tavern — our Conversation — the Characters of my new Companions — the Doctor is roasted — our Issue of our Debauch

I accepted his offer with pleasure, and we went thither in a hackney coach where I saw a great number of gay figures fluttering about, most of whom spoke to the doctor with great familiarity. Among the rest stood a group of them round the fire whom I immediately knew to be the very persons who had the night before, by their laughing, alarmed my suspicion of the lady who had put herself under my protection. They no sooner perceived me enter with Dr. Wagtail (for that was my companion’s name) than they tittered and whispered one to another, and I was not a little surprised to find that they were the gentlemen to whose acquaintance he designed to recommend me; for, when he observed them together, he to told me who they were, and desired to know by what name he should introduce me. I satisfied him in that particular, and he advanced with great gravity, saying, “Gentlemen, your most obedient servant: — give me leave to introduce my friend Mr. Random to your society.” Then, turning to me, “Mr. Random, this is Mr. Bragwell — Mr. Banter, sir — Mr. Chatter — my friend Mr. Slyboot, and Mr. Ranter sir.” I saluted each of then in order, and when I came to take Mr. Slyboot by the hand, I perceived him thrust his tongue in his cheek, to the no small entertainment of the company; but I did not think proper to take any notice of it on this occasion. Mr. Ranter too (who I afterwards learned was a player) displayed his talents, by mimicking my air, features, and voice, while he returned my compliment: this feat I should not have been so sensible of, had I not seen him behave in the same manner to my friend Wagtail, when he made up to them at first. But for once I let him enjoy the fruits of his dexterity without question or control, resolved however to chastise his insolence at a more convenient opportunity. Mr. Slyboot, guessing I was a stranger, asked if I had been lately in France? and when I answered in the affirmative, inquired if I had seen the Luxembourg Gallery? I told him I had considered it more than once with great attention: upon this a conversion ensued, in which I discovered him to be a painter.

While we were discoursing upon the particulars of this famous performance, I overheard Banter ask Dr. Wagtail, where he had picked up this Mr. Random. To which question the physician answered, “Upon my word, a mighty pretty sort of a gentleman — a man of fortune, sir — he has made the grand tour, and seen the best company in Europe, air.” “What, he told you so, I suppose?” said the other: “I take him to be neither more nor less than a French valet-de-chambre.” “O barbarous, barbarous!” cried the doctor; “this is actually, upon my word, altogether unaccountable. I know all his family perfectly well, sir; he is of the Randoms of the north — a very ancient house sir, and a distant relation of mine.” I was extremely nettled at the conjecture of Mr. Banter, and began to entertain a very indifferent opinion of my company in general; but, as I might possibly by their means acquire a more extensive and agreeable acquaintance, I determined to bear these little mortifications as long as I could without injuring the dignity of my character. After having talked for some time on the weather, plays, politics, and other coffee-house subjects, it was proposed that we should spend the evening at a noted tavern in the neighbourhood, whither we repaired in a body.

Having taken possession of a room, called for French wine, and bespoke supper, the glass went about pretty freely, and the characters of my associates opened upon me more and more. It soon appeared that the doctor was entertained as butt for the painter and player to exercise their wit upon, for the diversion of the company. Mr. Ranter began the game by asking him what was good for a hoarseness, lowness of spirits, and in digestion, for he was troubled with all these complaints to a very great degree. Wagtail immediately undertook to explain the nature of his case, and in a very prolix manner harangued upon prognostics, diagnostics, symptomatics, therapeutics, inanition, and repletion; then calculated the force of the stomach and lungs in their respective operations; ascribed the player’s malady to a disorder in these organs, proceeding from hard drinkings and vociferations, and prescribed a course of stomachics, with abstinence from venery, wine, loud speaking, laughing, singing, coughing, sneezing, or hallooing. “Pah, pah!” cried Ranter, interrupting him, “the remedy is worse than the disease — I wish I knew where to find some tinder water.” “Tinder water!” said the doctor; “Upon my word, I don’t apprehend you, Mr. Ranter.” “Water extracted from tinder,” replied the other, “a universal specific for all distempers incident to man. It was invented by a learned German monk, who, for a valuable consideration, imparted the secret to Paracelsus.” “Pardon me,” cried the painter, “it was first used by Solomon, as appears by a Greek manuscript in his civil handwriting, lately found at the foot of Mount Lebanon, by a peasant who was digging for potatoes — ” “Well,” said Wagtail, “in all my vast reading, I never met with such a preparation! neither did I know till this minute, that Solomon understood Greek, or that potatoes grew in Palestine.”

Here Banter interposed, saying, he was surprised that Dr. Wagtail should make the least doubt of Solomon’s understanding Greek, when he is represented to us as the wisest and best-educated prince in the world; and as for potatoes, they were transplanted thither from Ireland, in the time of the Crusade, by some knights of that country. “I profess,” said the doctor, “there is nothing more likely. I would actually give a vast sum for a sight of that manuscript, which must be inestimable; and, if I understood the process, would set about it immediately.” The player assured him the process was very simple — that he must cram a hundred-weight of dry tinder into a glass retort, and, distilling it by the force of animal heat, it would yield half a scruple of insipid water, one drop of which is a full dose. “Upon my integrity!” exclaimed the incredulous doctor, “this is very amazing and extraordinary! that a caput mortuum should yield any water at all. I must own I have always been an enemy to specifics which I thought inconsistent with the nature of the animal economy; but certainly the authority of Solomon is not to be questioned. I wonder where I shall find a glass retort large enough to contain such a vast quantity of tinder, the consumption of which must, undoubtedly, raise the price of paper, or where shall I find animal heat sufficient even to warm such a mass?” Slyboot informed him, that he might have a retort blown for him as big as a church: and, that the easiest method of raising the vapour by animal heat, would be to place it in the middle of an infirmary for feverish patients, who might he upon mattresses around and in contact with it. He had he sooner pronounced these words, than Wagtail exclaimed in a rapture, “An admirable expedient, as I hope to be saved! I will positively put it in practice.”

This simplicity of the physician furnished excellent diversion for the company, who, in their turns, sneered at him in ironical compliments, which his vanity swallowed as the genuine sentiments of their hearts. Mr. Chatter, impatient of so long a silence, now broke out and entertained us with a catalogue of all the people who danced at the last Hampstead assembly, with a most circumstantial account of the dress and ornaments of each, from the lappets of the ladies to the shoe-buckles of the men; concluding with telling Bragwell, that his mistress Melinda was there, and seemed to miss him: and soliciting his company at the next occasion of that kind.

“No, d — mm,” said Bragwell, “I have something else to mind than dangling after a parcel of giddy-headed girls; besides. you know my temper is so unruly, that I am apt to involve myself in scrapes when a woman is concerned. The last time I was there, I had an affair with Tom Trippit.” “Oh! I remember that!” cried Banter; “You lugged out before the ladies; and I commend you for so doing, because you had an opportunity of showing your manhood without running any risk. “Risk!” said the other with a fierce countenance, d — n my blood! I fear no risks. I an’t afraid of lugging out against any man that wears a head, d-me! ’Tis well known that I have drawn blood more than once, and lost some too; but what does that signify?” The player begged this champion to employ him as his second the next time he intended to kill, for he wanted to see a man die of a stab, that he might know how to act such an art the more naturally on the stage. “Die!” replied the hero: “No, by G—! I know better things than to incur the verdict of a Middlesex jury — I should look upon my fencing-master to be an ignorant son of a b — h, if he had not taught me to prick any of my antagonist’s body that I please to disable.” “Oho!” cried Slyboot, “if that be the case, I have a favour to ask. You must know I am employed to paint a Jesus on the cross; and my purpose is to represent him at that point of time when the spear is thrust into his side. Now I should be glad if you would, in my presence, pink some impertinent fellow into convulsions, without endangering his life, that I may have an opportunity of taking a good clever agony from nature: the doctor will direct you where to enter and how far to go, but pray let it be as near the left side as possible.” Wagtail, who took this proposal seriously, observed, that it would be a very difficult matter to penetrate into the left side of the thorax without hurting the heart, and in consequence killing the patient; but he believed it was possible for a man of a very nice hand and exact knowledge of anatomy, to wound the diaphragma somewhere about the skirts, which might induce a singultus, without being attended with death: that he was ready to demonstrate the insertion of that muscle to Mr. Bragwell; but desired to have no concern with the experiment, which might essentially prejudice his reputation, in case of a miscarriage. Bragwell was as much imposed upon by the painter’s waggery as the doctor, and declined engaging in the affair, saying he held a very great regard for Mr, Slyboot, but had laid it down as a maxim, never to fight except when his honour was engaged. A thousand jokes of this kind were uttered; the wine circulated, supper was served in, we ate heartily, returned to the bottle, Bragwell became noisy and troublesome, Banter grew more and more severe, Ranter rehearsed, Slyboot made faces at the whole company, I sang French catches, and Chatter kissed me with great affection; while the doctor, with a wofull countenance, sat silent like a disciple of Pythagoras. At length, it was proposed by Bragwell, that we should scour the hundreds, sweat the constable, maul the watch, and then reel soberly to bed.

While we deliberated upon this expedition, the waiter came into the room, and asked for Doctor Wagtail: when he understood he was present, he told him there was a lady below to inquire for him, at which message the physician started from his melanch............