HERE begins the never-to-be-too-much-studied account of the nine-hundred-and-ninety-ninth part of the wonderful things which Tom saw on his journey to the Other-end-of-Nowhere; which all good little children are requested to read; that, if ever they get to the Other-end-of-Nowhere, as they may very probably do, they may not burst out laughing, or try to run away, or do any other silly vulgar thing which may offend Mrs. Bedonebyasyoudid. Now, as soon as Tom had left Peacepool, he came to the white lap of the great sea-mother, ten thousand fathoms² deep; where she makes world-pap all day long, for the steam-giants to knead, and the fire-giants to bake, till it has risen and hardened into mountain-loaves and island-cakes.
 
And there Tom was very near being kneaded up in the world-pap, and turned into a fossil water-baby; which would have astonished the Geological Society of New Zealand some hundreds of thousands of years hence.
 
For, as he walked along in the silence of the sea-twilight, on the soft white ocean floor, he was aware of a hissing³, and a roaring, and a thumping⁵, and a pumping, as of all the steam-engines in the world at once. And, when he came near, the water grew boiling-hot; not that that hurt him in the least: but it also grew as foul⁶ as gruel⁷; and every moment he stumbled over dead shells, and fish, and sharks, and seals, and whales, which had been killed by the hot water.
 
And at last he came to the great sea-serpent himself, lying dead at the bottom; and as he was too thick to scramble⁸ over, Tom had to walk round him three-quarters of a mile and more, which put him out of his path sadly; and, when he had got round, he came to the place called Stop. And there he stopped, and just in time.
 
For he was on the edge of a vast hole in the bottom of the sea, up which was rushing and roaring clear steam enough to work all the engines in the world at once; so clear, indeed, that it was quite light at moments; and Tom could see almost up to the top of the water above, and down below into the pit for nobody knows how far.
 
But, as soon as he bent⁹ his head over the edge, he got such a rap on the nose from pebbles¹⁰, that he jumped back again; for the steam, as it rushed up, rasped away the sides of the hole, and hurled¹¹ it up into the sea in a shower of mud and gravel¹² and ashes; and then it spread all around, and sank again and covered in the dead fish so fast, that before Tom had stood there five minutes he was buried in silt¹³ up to his ankles, and began to be afraid that he should have been buried alive.
 
And perhaps he would have been, but that while he was thinking, the whole piece of ground on which he stood was torn off and blown upwards¹⁴, and away flew Tom a mile up through the sea, wondering what was coming next.
 
At last he stopped—thump⁴! and found himself tight in the legs of the most wonderful bogy which he had ever seen.
 
It had I don't know how many wings, as big as the sails of a windmill, and spread out in a ring like them; and with them it hovered¹⁵ over the steam which rushed up, as a ball hovers¹⁶ over the top of a fountain. And for every wing above it had a leg below, with a claw like a comb at the tip, and a nostril¹⁷ at the root; and in the middle it had no stomach and one eye; and as for its mouth, that was all on one side, as the madre-poriform tubercle in a star-fish is. Well, it was a very strange beast; but no stranger than some dozens which you may see.
 
"What do you want here," it cried quite peevishly¹⁸, "getting in my way?" and it tried to drop Tom: but he held on tight to its claws, thinking himself safer where he was.
 
So Tom told him who he was, and what his errand was. And the thing winked¹⁹ its one eye, and sneered²⁰:
 
"I am too old to be taken in in that way. You are come after gold—I know you are."
 
"Gold! What is gold?" And really Tom did not know; but the suspicious old bogy would not believe him.
 
But after a while Tom began to understand a little. For, as the vapours came up out of the hole, the bogy smelt²¹ them with his nostrils²², and combed them and sorted them with his combs; and then, when they steamed up through them against his wings, they were changed into showers and streams of metal. From one wing fell gold-dust, and from another silver, and from another copper²³, and from another tin, and from another lead, and so on, and sank into the soft mud, into veins²⁴ and cracks, and hardened there. Whereby it comes to pass that the rocks are full of metal.
 
But, all of a sudden, somebody shut off the steam below, and the hole was left empty in an instant: and then down rushed the water into the hole, in such a whirlpool that the bogy spun²⁵ round and round as fast as a teetotum. But that was all in his day's work, like a fair fall with the hounds; so all he did was to say to Tom—
 
"Now is your time, youngster, to get down, if you are in earnest, which I don't believe."
 
"You'll soon see," said Tom; and away he went, as bold as Baron²⁶ Munchausen, and shot down the rushing cataract²⁷ like a salmon²⁸ at Ballisodare.
 
And, when he got to the bottom, he swam till he was washed on shore safe upon the Other-end-of-Nowhere; and he found it, to his surprise, as most other people do, much more like This-End-of-Somewhere than he had been in the habit of expecting.
 
And first he went through Waste-paper-land, where all the stupid books lie in heaps, up hill and down dale, like leaves in a winter wood; and there he saw people digging and grubbing among them, to make worse books out of bad ones, and thrashing chaff²⁹ to save the dust of it; and a very good trade they drove thereby³⁰, especially among children.
 
Then he went by the sea of slops, to the mountain of messes, and the territory of tuck, where the ground was very sticky, for it was all made of bad toffee, and full of deep cracks and holes choked with wind-fallen fruit, and green goose-berries, and sloes, and crabs³¹, and whinberries, and hips³² and haws, and all the nasty things which little children will eat, if they can get them. But the fairies hide them out of the way in that country as fast as they can, and very hard work they have, and of very little use it is. For as fast as they hide away the old trash, foolish and wicked people make fresh trash full of lime and poisonous paints, and actually go and steal receipts out of old Madame Science's big book to invent poisons for little children, and sell them at wakes and fairs and tuck-shops. Very well. Let them go on. Dr. Letheby and Dr. Hassall cannot catch them, though they are setting traps for them all day long. But the Fairy with the birch-rod will catch them all in time, and make them begin at one corner of their shops, and eat their way out at the other: by which time they will have got such stomachaches as will cure them of poisoning little children.
 
Then came Tom to the great land of Hearsay³³.
 
When Tom came into that land, he found them all, high and low, man, woman, and child, running for their lives day and night continually, and entreating³⁴ not to be told they didn't know what: only the land being an island, and they having a dislike to the water (being a musty lot for the most part), they ran round and round the shore for ever, which was hard work.
 
And running after them, day and night, came such a poor, lean, seedy, hard-worked old giant, as ought to have been cockered up, and had a good dinner given him, and a good wife found him, and been set to play with little children; and then he would have been a very presentable old fellow after all; for he had a heart, though it was considerably³⁶ overgrown with brains.
 
He was made up principally of fish bones and parchment, put together with wire and Canada balsam; and smelt strongly of spirits, though he never drank anything but water: but spirits he used somehow, there was no denying. He had a great pair of spectacles on his nose, and a butterfly-net in one hand, and a geological hammer in the other; and was hung all over with pockets, full of collecting boxes, bottles, microscopes, telescopes, barometers³⁷, ordnance³⁸ maps, scalpels, forceps, photographic apparatus³⁹, and all other tackle for finding out everything about everything, and a little more too. And, most strange of all, he was running not forwards but backwards⁴⁰, as fast as he could.
 
Away all the good folks ran from him, except Tom, who stood his ground and dodged⁴¹ between his legs; and the giant, when he had passed him, looked down, and cried, as if he was quite pleased and comforted,—
 
"What? who are you? And you actually don't run away, like all the rest?" But he had to take his spectacles off, Tom remarked, in order to see him plainly.
 
Tom told him who he was; and the giant pulled out a bottle and a cork⁴² instantly, to collect him with.
 
But Tom was too sharp for that, and dodged between his legs and in front of him; and then the giant could not see him at all.
 
"No, no, no!" said Tom, "I've not been round the world, and through the world, and up to Mother Carey's haven⁴³, beside being caught in a net and called a Holothurian and a Cephalopod, to be bottled up by any old giant like you."
 
And when the giant understood what a great traveller Tom had been, he made a truce⁴⁴ with him at once, and would have kept him there to this day to pick his brains, so delighted was he at finding any one to tell him what he did not know before.
 
"Ah, you lucky little dog!" said he at last, quite simply—for he was the simplest, pleasantest, honestest, kindliest old Dominie Sampson of a giant that ever turned the world upside down without intending it—"ah, you lucky little dog! If I had only been where you have been, to see what you have seen!"
 
"Well," said Tom, "if you want to do that, you had best put your head under water for a few hours, as I did, and turn into a water-baby, or some other baby, and then you might have a chance."
 
"Turn into a baby, eh? If I could do that, and know what was happening to me for but one hour, I should know everything then, and be at rest. But I can't; I can't be a little child again; and I suppose if I could, it would be no use, because then I should know nothing about what was happening to me. Ah, you lucky little dog!" said the poor old giant.
 
"But why do you run after all these poor people?" said Tom, who liked the giant very much.
 
"My dear, it's they that have been running after me, father and son, for hundreds and hundreds of years, throwing stones at me till they have knocked off my spectacles fifty times, and calling me a malignant⁴⁵ and a turbaned Turk, who beat a Venetian and traduced⁴⁶ the State—goodness only knows what they mean, for I never read poetry—and hunting me round and round—though catch me they can't, for every time I go over the same ground, I go the faster, and grow the bigger. While all I want is to be friends with them, and to tell them something to their advantage: only somehow they are so strangely afraid of hearing it. But, I suppose I am not a man of the world, and have no tact⁴⁷."
 
"But why don't you turn round and tell them so?"
 
"Because I can't. You see, I must go backwards, if I am to go at all."
 
"But why don't you stop, and let them come up to you?"
 
"Why, my dear, only think. If I did, all the butterflies and cockyolybirds would fly past me, and then I should catch no more new species, and should grow rusty⁴⁸ and mouldy, and die. And I don't intend to do that, my dear; for I have a destiny before me, they say: though what it is I don't know, and don't care."
 
"Don't care?" said Tom.
 
"No. Do the duty which lies nearest you, and catch the first beetle⁵⁰ you come across, is my motto; and I have thriven by it for some hundred years. Now I must go on. Dear me, while I have been talking to you, at least nine new species have escaped me."
 
And on went the giant, behind before, like a bull in a china-shop, till he ran into the steeple of the great idol⁵¹ temple (for they are all idolaters in those parts, of course, else they would never be afraid of giants), and knocked the upper half clean off, hurting himself horribly about the small of the back.
 
But little he cared; for as soon as the ruins of the steeple were well between his legs, he poked⁵³ and peered among the falling stones, and shifted his spectacles, and pulled out his pocket-magnifier, and cried—
 
"An entirely⁵⁴ new Oniscus, and three obscure Podurellæ! Besides a moth¹ which M. le Roi des Papillons (though he, like all Frenchmen, is given to hasty inductions) says is confined to the limits of the Glacial Drift. This is most important!"
 
And down he sat on the nave⁵⁵ of the temple (not being a man of the world) to examine his Podurellæ. Whereon (as was to be expected) the roof caved in bodily, smashing the idols⁵⁶, and sending the priests flying out of doors and windows, like rabbits out of a burrow⁵⁷ when a ferret goes in.
 
But he never heeded⁵⁸; for out of the dust flew a bat, and the giant had him in a moment.
 
"Dear me! This is even more important! Here is a cognate⁵⁹ species to that which Macgilliwaukie Brown insists is confined to the Buddhist⁶⁰ temples of Little Thibet; and now when I look at it, it may be only a variety produced by difference of climate!"
 
And having bagged his bat, up he got, and on he went; while all the people ran, being in none the better humour for having their temple smashed for the sake of three obscure species of Podurella, and a Buddhist bat.
 
"Well," thought Tom, "this is a very pretty quarrel, with a good deal to be said on both sides. But it is no business of mine."
 
So the giant ran round after the people, and the people ran round after the giant, and they are running unto this day for aught I know, or do not know; and will run till either he, or they, or both, turn into little children. And then, as Shakespeare says (and therefore it must be true)—
 
"Jack⁶¹ shall have Gill
Nought⁶² shall go ill
The man shall have his mare⁶³ again, and all go well."
Then Tom came to a very famous island, which was called, in the days of the great traveller Captain Gulliver, the Isle⁶⁴ of Laputa. But Mrs. Bedonebyasyoudid has named it over again, the Isle of Tomtoddies, all heads and no bodies.
 
And when Tom came near it, he heard such a grumbling⁶⁵ and grunting⁶⁶ and growling⁶⁷ and wailing⁶⁸ and weeping and whining⁶⁹ that he thought people must be ringing little pigs, or cropping puppies' ears, or drowning kittens: but when he came nearer still, he began to hear words among the noise; which was the Tomtoddies' song which they sing morning and evening, and all night too, to their great idol Examination—
 
"I can't learn my lessons: the examiner's coming!"
And that was the only song which they knew.
And when Tom got on shore the first thing he saw was a great pillar, on one side of which was inscribed⁷⁰, "Playthings not allowed here;" at which he was so shocked that he would not stay to see what was written on the other side. Then he looked round for the people of the island: but instead of men, women, and children, he found nothing but turnips⁷² and radishes, beet⁴⁹ and mangold wurzel, without a single green leaf among them, and half of them burst and decayed, with toad-stools growing out of them. Those which were left began crying to Tom, in half a dozen different languages at once, and all of them badly spoken, "I can't learn my lesson; do come and help me!"
 
"And what good on earth will it do you if I did tell you?" quoth Tom.
 
Well, they didn't know that: all they knew was the examiner was coming.
 
Then Tom stumbled on the hugest and softest nimblecomequick turnip⁷¹ you ever saw filling a hole in a crop of swedes, and it cried to him, "Can you tell me anything at all about anything you like?"
 
"About what?" says Tom.
 
"About anything you like; for as fast as I learn things I forget them again. So my mamma says that my intellect is not adapted for methodic science, and says that I must go in for general information."
 
Tom told him that he did not know general information: but he could tell him a great many strange things which he had seen in his travels.
 
So he told him prettily⁷⁴ enough, while the poor turnip listened very carefully; and the more he listened, the more he forgot, and the more water ran out of him.
 
Tom thought he was crying: but it was only his poor brains running away, from being worked so hard; and as Tom talked, the unhappy turnip streamed down all over with juice, and split and shrank till nothing was left of him but rind and water; whereat Tom ran away in a fright, for he thought he might be taken up for killing⁷⁵ the turnip.
 
But, on the contrary, the turnip's parents were highly delighted, and considered him a saint and a martyr⁷⁶, and put up a long inscription⁷⁷ over his tomb about his wonderful talents, early development, and unparalleled precocity⁷⁸. Were they not a foolish couple? But there was a still more foolish couple next to them, who were beating a wretched little radish, no bigger than my thumb, for sullenness⁷⁹ and obstinacy⁸⁰ and wilful⁸¹ stupidity, and never knew that the reason why it couldn't learn or hardly even speak was, that there was a great worm inside it eating out all its brains. But even they are no foolisher than some hundred score of papas and mammas, who fetch the rod when they ought to fetch a new toy, and send to the dark cupboard instead of to the doctor.
 
Tom was so puzzled and frightened with all he saw, that he was longing⁸² to ask the meaning of it; and at last he stumbled over a respectable old stick lying half covered with earth. But a very stout⁸³ and worthy⁸⁴ stick it was, for it belonged to good Roger Ascham in old time, and had carved on its head King Edward the Sixth, with the Bible in his hand.
 
"You see," said the stick, "there were as pretty little children once as you could wish to see, and might have been so still if they had been only left to grow up like human beings, and then handed over to me; but their foolish fathers and mothers, instead of letting them pick flowers, and make dirt-pies, and get birds' nests, and dance round the gooseberry bush, as little children should, kept them always at lessons, working, working, working, learning week-day lessons all week-days, and Sunday lessons all Sunday, and weekly examinations every Saturday, and monthly examinations every month, and yearly examinations every year, everything seven times over, as if once was not enough, and enough as good as a feast—till their brains grew big, and their bodies grew small, and they were all changed into turnips, with little but water inside; and still their foolish parents actually pick the leaves off them as fast as they grow, lest they should have anything green about them."
 
"Ah!" said Tom, "if dear Mrs. Doasyouwouldbedoneby knew of it she would send them a lot of tops, and balls, and marbles, and ninepins, and make them all as jolly as sand-boys."
 
"It would be no use," said the stick. "They can't play now, if they tried. Don't you see how their legs have turned to roots and grown into the ground, by never taking any exercise, but sapping and moping always in the same place? But here comes the Examiner-of-all-Examiners. So you had better get away, I warn you, or he will examine you and your dog into the bargain, and set him to examine all the other dogs, and you to examine all the other water-babies. There is no escaping out of his hands, for his nose is nine thousand miles long, and can go down chimneys, and through keyholes, upstairs, downstairs, in my lady's chamber⁸⁵, examining all little boys, and the little boys' tutors likewise. But when he is thrashed—so Mrs. Bedonebyasyoudid has promised me—I shall have the thrashing of him: and if I don't lay it on with a will it's a pity."
 
Tom went off: but rather slowly and surlily; for he was somewhat minded to face this same Examiner-of-all-Examiners, who came striding among the poor turnips, binding⁸⁶ heavy burdens and grievous to be borne, and laying them on little children's shoulders, like the Scribes and Pharisees of old, and not touching⁸⁷ the same with one of his fingers; for he had plenty of money, and a fine house to live in, and so forth⁸⁸; which was more than the poor little turnips had.
 
But when he got near, he looked so big and burly and dictatorial⁸⁹, and shouted so loud to Tom, to co............