At ten minutes to eleven the next morning Mr. Prohack rushed across the pavement, and sprang head-first into the original Eagle (now duly repaired) with the velocity1 and agility2 of a man long accustomed to the fact that seconds are more precious than six-pences and minutes than banknotes. And Carthew slammed the door on him like a conjuror3 performing the final act of a trick before an audience of three thousand people.
Mr. Prohack was late. He was late on this the first full day of his career as a consciously and scientifically idle man. Carthew knew that his employer was late; and certainly the people in his house knew that he was late. Mr. Prohack's breakfast in bed had been late, which meant that his digestive and reposeful4 hour of newspaper reading was thrown forward. And then he had actually been kept out of his own bathroom, through the joint5 fault of Sissie and her mother, who had apparently6 determined7 to celebrate Sissie's definite release from the dance-studio, and Mrs. Prohack's astonishing recovery from traumatic neurasthenia, by a thorough visitation and reorganisation of the house and household. Those two, re-established in each other's affection, had been holding an inquisition in the bathroom, of all rooms, at the very moment when Mr. Prohack needed the same, with the consequence that he found the bath empty instead of full, and the geyser not even lighted. Yet they well knew that he had a highly important appointment at the tailor's at ten forty-five, followed by other just as highly important appointments! The worst of it was that he could not take their crime seriously because he was on such intimate and conspiratorial8 terms with each of them separately. On the previous evening he had exchanged wonderful and rather dangerous confidences with his daughter, and, further on in the night he and her mother had decided9 that the latter's fantastic excursion to the Grand Babylon Hotel should remain a secret. And Sissie, as much as her mother, had taken advantage of his helplessness in the usual unscrupulous feminine manner. They went so far as to smile quasi-maternally at his boyish busy-ness.
Now no sooner had Carthew slammed the door of the Eagle and got into the driving-seat than a young woman, a perfect stranger to Mr. Prohack, appeared, and through the open window asked in a piteous childlike voice if Mr. Prohack was indeed Mr. Prohack, and, having been informed that this was so, expressed the desire to speak with him. Mr. Prohack was beside himself with annoyance10 and thwarted12 energy. Was the entire universe uniting against the execution of his programme?
"I have a most important appointment," said he, raising his hat and achieving politeness by an enormous effort, "and if your business is urgent you'd better get into the car. I'm going to Conduit Street."
She slipped into the car like a snake, and Carthew, beautifully unaware13 that he had two passengers, simultaneously14 drove off.
If a snake, she was a very slim, blushing and confused snake,—short, too, for a python. And she had a turned-up nose, and was quite young. Her scales were stylish15. And, although certainly abashed16, apprehensive17 and timorous18, she yet had, about her delicate mouth, the signs of terrible determination, of ruthlessness, of an ambition that nothing could thwart11. Mr. Prohack might have been alarmed, but fortunately he was getting used to driving in closed cars with young women, and so could keep his nerve. Moreover, he enjoyed these experiences, being a man of simple tastes and not too analytical19 of good fortune when it came his way.
"It's very good of you to see me like this," said the girl, in the voice of a rapid brook20 with a pebbly21 bed. "My name is Winstock, and I've called about the car."
"The car? What car?"
"The motor-car accident at Putney, you know."
"Ah!"
"Yes."
"Just so. Just so. You are the owner-driver of the other car."
"Yes."
"I think you ought to have seen my wife. It is really she who is the owner of this car. As you are aware, I wasn't in the accident myself, and I don't know anything about it. Besides, it's entirely22 in the hands of the insurance company and the solicitors24. You are employing a solicitor23, aren't you?"
"Oh, yes."
"Then I suppose it's by his advice that you've come to see me."
"Well, I'm afraid it isn't."
"What!" cried Mr. Prohack. "If it isn't by his advice you may well be afraid. Do you know you've done a most improper25 thing? Most improper. I can't possibly listen to you. You may go behind your lawyer's back. But I can't. And also there's the insurance company." Mr. Prohack lifted the rug which had fallen away from her short skirts.
"I think solicitors and companies and things are so silly," said Miss Winstock, whose eyes had not moved from the floor-mat. "Thank you." The 'thank you' was in respect to the rug.
"So they are," Mr. Prohack agreed.
"That was why I thought it would be better to come straight to you." For the first time she glanced at him; a baffling glance, a glance that somehow had the effect of transferring some of the apprehension26 in her own breast to that of Mr. Prohack.
"Well," said he, in a departmental tone recalling Whitehall. "Will you kindly27 say what you have to say?"
"Can I speak confidentially28?"
Mr. Prohack raised his hands and laughed in what he hoped was a sardonic29 manner.
"I give you young women up," he murmured. "Yes, I give you up. You're my enemy. We're at law. And you want to talk confidentially! How can I tell whether I can let you talk confidentially until I've heard what you're going to say?"
"Oh! I was only going to say that I'm not really the owner-driver of the car. I'm personal secretary to Mr. Carrel Quire, and it's really his car. You see he has three cars, but as there's been such a fuss about waste lately and he's so prominent in the anti-squandermania campaign, he prefers to keep only one car in his own name."
"You don't mean to sit there and tell me you're talking about the Secretary for Foreign Affairs!"
"Yes, of course. Who else? You know he's on the continent at present. He wouldn't take me with him because he wanted to create an effect of austerity in Paris—that's what he said; and I must get this accident affair settled up before he comes back, or he may dismiss me. I don't think he will, because I'm a cousin of the late Lady Queenie Paulle—that's how I got the place—but he may. And then where should I be? I was told you were so kind and nice—that's why I came."
"I am not kind and I am not nice," remarked Mr. Prohack, in an acid tone, but laughing to himself because the celebrated30 young statesman, Mr. Carrel Quire (bald at thirty-five) was precisely31 one of the ministers who, during the war, had defied and trampled32 upon the Treasury33. He now almost demoniacally contemplated34 the ruin of Mr. Carrel Quire.
"You have made a serious mistake in coming to me. Unfortunately you cannot undo35 it. Be good enough to understand that you have not been talking confidentially."
Miss Winstock ought to have been intimidated37 and paralysed by the menacing manner of the former Terror of the Departments. But she was not.
"Please, please, Mr. Prohack," she said calmly, "don't talk in that strain. I distinctly told you I was talking confidentially, and I'm sure I can rely on you—unless all that I've heard about you is untrue; which it can't be. I only want matters to be settled quietly, and when Mr. Quire returns he will pay anything that has to be paid—if it isn't too much."
"My chauffeur38 asserts that you have told a most naughty untruth about the accident. You say that he ran into you, whereas the fact is that he was nearly standing40 still while you were going too fast and you skidded41 badly into him off the tramlines. And he's found witnesses to prove what he says."
"I may have been a little mistaken," Miss Winstock admitted with light sadness. "I won't say I wasn't. You know how you are in an accident."
"I've never been in an accident in my life," Mr. Prohack objected.
"If you had, you'd sympathise with me."
At this moment the Eagle drew up at the desired destination in Conduit Street. Mr. Prohack looked at his watch.
"I'm sorry to seem inhospitable," he said, "but my appointment is extremely important. I cannot wait."
"Can I wait?" Miss Winstock suggested. "I'm quite used to waiting for Mr. Carrel Quire. If I might wait in the car till you came out.... You see I want to come to an understanding."
"I don't know how long I shall be."
"That doesn't matter, truly. I haven't got anything else in the world to do, as Mr. Carrel Quire is away."
Mr. Prohack left Miss Winstock in the car.
The establishment into which Mr. Prohack disappeared was that of his son's tailors. He slipped into it with awe42, not wholly because the tailors were his son's tailors, but in part because they were tailors to various august or once-august personages throughout Europe. Till that day Mr. Prohack had bought his clothes from an insignificant43 though traditional tailor in Maddox Street, to whom he had been taken as a boy by his own father. And he had ordered his clothes hastily, negligently44, anyhow, in intervals45 snatched from meal-hours or on the way from one more important appointment to another more important appointment. Indeed he had thought no more of ordering a suit than of ordering a whiskey and soda46. Nay47, he had on one occasion fallen incredibly low, and his memory held the horrid48 secret for ever,—on one occasion he had actually bought a ready-made suit. It had fitted him, for he was slimmish and of a good stock size, but he had told nobody, not even his wife, of this shocking defection from the code of true British gentlemanliness,—and he had never repeated the crime; the secret would die with him. And now he was devoting the top of the morning to the commandment of a suit. The affair was his chief business, and he had come to it in a great car whose six cylinders49 were working harmoniously50 for nothing else, and with the aid of an intelligent and experienced and expert human being whose sole object in life that morning was to preside over Mr. Prohack's locomotion51 to and from the tailors'!
Mr. Prohack perceived that he was only beginning to comprehend the wonder of existence. The adepts52 at the tailors', however, seemed to see nothing wonderful in the matter. They showed no surprise that he had written to make an appointment with a particular adept53 named Melchizidek, who had been casually54 mentioned weeks earlier by Charles as the one man in London who really comprehended waistcoats. They took it as a matter of course that Mr. Prohack had naught39 else to do with the top of the morning but order clothes, and that while he did so he should keep a mature man and a vast and elaborate machine waiting for him in the street outside. And Mr. Melchizidek's manner alone convinced Mr. Prohack that what he had told his family, and that what he had told Miss Winstock in the car, was strictly55 true and not the invention of his fancy—namely that the appointment was genuinely of high importance.
Mr. Melchizidek possessed56 the strange gift of condescending57 majestically58 to Mr. Prohack while licking his boots. He listened to Mr. Prohack as to an autocrat59 while giving Mr. Prohack to understand that Mr. Prohack knew not the first elements of sartorial60 elegance61. At intervals he gazed abstractedly at the gold framed and crowned portraits that hung on the walls and at the inscriptions62 similarly framed and crowned and hung, and it was home in upon Mr. Prohack that the inscriptions in actual practice referred to Mr. Melchizidek, and that this same Melchizidek, fawning63 and masterful, had seen monarchs64 in their shirt sleeves and spoken to princes with pins in his mouth, and made marks in white chalk between the shoulder-blades of grand-dukes; and that revolutions and cataclysms65 were nothing to Mr. Melchizidek.
When Mr. Melchizidek had decided by hypnotic suggestion and magic power what Mr. Prohack desired in the way of stuffs and patterns, he led Mr. Prohack mysteriously to a small chamber66, and a scribe followed them carrying pencil and paper, and Mr. Prohack removed, with assistance, his shabby coat and his waistcoat, and Mr. Melchizidek measured him in unexampled detail and precision, and the scribe, writing, intoned aloud all Mr. Prohack's dimensions. And all the time Mr. Prohack was asking in his heart: "How much will these clothes cost?" And he, once the Terror of the departments, who would have held up the war to satisfy his official inquisitiveness67 on a question of price,—he dared not ask how much the clothes would cost. He felt that in that unique establishment money was simply not mentioned,—it could never be more than the subject of formal and stately correspondence.
During the latter part of the operation Mr. Prohack heard, outside in the shop, the sharp sounds of an imperial and decisive voice, and he was thereby68 well-nigh thunderstruck. And even Mr. Melchizidek seemed to be similarly affected69 by the voice,—so much so that the intimate of sovereigns unaffectedly hastened the business of enduing70 Mr. Prohack into the shameful71 waistcoat and coat, and then, with a gesture of apology, passed out of the cubicle72, leaving Mr. Prohack with the attendant scribe.
Mr. Prohack, pricked73 by a fearful curiosity, followed Mr. Melchizidek; and the voice was saying:
"Oh! You're there, Melchizidek. Just come and look at this crease74."
Mr. Melchizidek, pained, moved forward. Three acolytes75 were already standing in shocked silence round about a young man who stretched forth76 one leg so that all might see.
"I ask you," the young man proceeded, "is it an inch out or isn't it? And how many times have I tried these things on? I'm a busy man, and here I have to waste my time coming here again and again to get a thing right that ought to have been right the first time. And you call yourselves the first tailors in Europe.... Correct me if I'm inaccurate
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CHAPTER XIII FURTHER IDLENESS
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