IN WHICH THE READER WILL PERCEIVE THAT IN SOME CASES MADNESS IS CATCHING¹. Mr. Clarke having made an end of his narrative², the surgeon thanked him for the entertainment he had received; and Mr. Ferret shrugged³ up his shoulders in silent disapprobation. As for Captain Crowe, who used at such pauses to pour in a broadside of dismembered remarks, linked together like chain-shot, he spoke⁵ not a syllable⁶ for some time; but, lighting⁷ a fresh pipe at the candle, began to roll such voluminous clouds of smoke as in an instant filled the whole apartment, and rendered himself invisible to the whole company. Though he thus shrouded⁸ himself from their view, he did not long remain concealed⁹ from their hearing. They first heard a strange dissonant¹⁰ cackle, which the doctor knew to be a sea-laugh, and this was followed by an eager exclamation¹¹ of “Rare pastime, strike my yards and topmasts!—I’ve a good mind—why shouldn’t— many a losing voyage I’ve—smite my taffrel but I wool”—
 
By this time he had relaxed so much in his fumigation¹², that the tip of his nose and one eye reappeared; and as he had drawn¹³ his wig¹⁴ forwards, so as to cover his whole forehead, the figure that now saluted¹⁵ their eyes was much more ferocious¹⁶ and terrible than the fire-breathing chimera¹⁷ of the ancients. Notwithstanding this dreadful appearance, there was no indignation in his heart, but, on the contrary, an agreeable curiosity, which he was determined¹⁸ to gratify.
 
Addressing himself to Mr. Fillet, “Pr’ythee, doctor,” said he, “canst tell, whether a man, without being rated a lord or a baron¹⁹, or what d’ye call um, d’ye see, may n’t take to the highway in the way of a frolic, d’ye see?—Adad! for my own part, brother, I’m resolved as how to cruise a bit in the way of an arrant²⁰—if so be as I can’t at once be commander, mayhap I may be bore upon the books as a petty officer or the like, d’ye see.”
 
“Now, the Lord forbid!” cried Clarke, with tears in his eyes, “I’d rather see you dead than brought to such a dilemma²¹.” “Mayhap thou wouldst,” answered the uncle; “for then, my lad, there would be some picking—aha! dost thou tip me the traveller, my boy?” Tom assured him he scorned any such mercenary views. “I am only concerned,” said he, “that you should take any step that might tend to the disgrace of yourself or your family; and I say again I had rather die than live to see you reckoned any otherwise than compos.”—“Die and be d—ned! you shambling half-timber’d son of a——,” cried the choleric²² Crowe; “dost talk to me of keeping a reckoning and compass?—I could keep a reckoning, and box my compass long enough before thy keelstone was laid—Sam Crowe is not come here to ask thy counsel how to steer²³ his course.” “Lord! sir,” resumed the nephew, “consider what people will say—all the world will think you mad.” “Set thy heart at ease, Tom,” cried the seaman²⁴, “I’ll have a trip to and again in this here channel. Mad! what then? I think for my part one half of the nation is mad—and the other not very sound—I don’t see why I han’t as good a right to be mad as another man—but, doctor, as I was saying, I’d be bound to you, if you would direct me where I can buy that same tackle that all arrant must wear; as for the matter of the long pole, headed with iron, I’d never desire better than a good boat-hook, and could make a special good target of that there tin sconce that holds the candle—mayhap any blacksmith will hammer me a skull-cap, d’ye see, out of an old brass²⁵ kettle; and I can call my horse by the name of my ship, which was Mufti.”
 
The surgeon was one of those wags who can laugh inwardly, without exhibiting the least outward mark of mirth or satisfaction. He at once perceived the amusement which might be drawn from this strange disposition²⁶ of the sailor, together with the most likely means which could be used to divert him from such an extravagant²⁷ pursuit. He therefore tipped Clarke the wink²⁸ with one side of his face, while the other was very gravely turned to the captain, whom he addressed to this effect. “It is not far from hence to Sheffield, where you might be fitted completely in half a day—then you must wake your armour²⁹ in church or chapel³⁰, and be dubbed³¹. As for this last ceremony, it may be performed by any person whatsoever³³. Don Quixote was dubbed by his landlord; and there are many instances on record, of errants obliging and compelling the next person they met to cross their shoulders, and dub³² them knights³⁴. I myself would undertake to be your godfather; and I have interest enough to procure³⁵ the keys of the parish church that stands hard by; besides, this is the eve of St. Martin, who was himself a knight-errant, and therefore a proper patron to a novitiate. I wish we could borrow Sir Launcelot’s armour for the occasion.”
 
Crowe, being struck with this hint, started up, and laying his fingers on his lips to enjoin³⁶ silence, walked off softly on his tiptoes, to listen at the door of our knight’s apartment, and judge whether or not he was asleep. Mr. Fillet took this opportunity to tell his nephew that it would be in vain for him to combat this humour with reason and argument; but the most effectual way of diverting him from the plan of knight-errantry would be, to frighten him heartily³⁷ while he should keep his vigil in the church; towards the accomplishment³⁸ of which purpose he craved³⁹ the assistance of the misanthrope⁴⁰ as well as the nephew. Clarke seemed to relish⁴¹ the scheme; and observed, that his uncle, though endued⁴² with courage enough to face any human danger, had at bottom a strong fund of superstition⁴³, which he had acquired, or at least improved, in the course of a sea-life. Ferret, who perhaps would not have gone ten paces out of his road to save Crowe from the gallows⁴⁴, nevertheless engaged as an auxiliary⁴⁵, merely in hope of seeing a fellow-creature miserable⁴⁶; and even undertook to be the principal agent in this adventure. For this office indeed he was better qualified⁴⁷ than they could have imagined. In the bundle which he kept under his greatcoat, there was, together with divers⁴⁸ nostrums⁴⁹, a small vial of liquid phosphorus, sufficient, as he had already observed, to frighten a whole neighbourhood out of their senses.
 
In order to concert the previous measures without being overheard, these confederates retired⁵⁰ with a candle and lantern into the stable; and their backs were scarce turned, when Captain Crowe came in loaded with pieces of the knight’s armour, which he had conveyed from the apartment of Sir Launcelot, whom he had left fast asleep.
 
Understanding that the rest of the company were gone out for a moment, he could not resist the inclination⁵¹ he felt of communicating his intention to the landlady⁵², who, with her daughter, had been too much engaged in preparing Crabshaw’s supper, to know the purport⁵³ of their conversation. The good woman, being informed of the captain’s design to remain alone all night in the church, began to oppose it with all her rhetoric⁵⁴. She said it was setting his Maker⁵⁵ at defiance⁵⁶, and a wilful⁵⁷ running into temptation. She assured him that all the country knew that the church was haunted by spirits and hobgoblins; that lights had been seen in every corner of it, and a tall woman in white had one night appeared upon the top of the tower; that dreadful shrieks⁵⁸ were often heard to come from the south aisle⁵⁹, where a murdered man had been buried; that she herself had seen the cross on the steeple all a-fire; and one evening as she passed a-horseback close by the stile at the entrance into the churchyard, the horse stood still, sweating and trembling, and had no power to proceed, until she had repeated the Lord’s Prayer.
 
These remarks made a strong impression on the imagination of Crowe, who asked in some confusion, if she had got that same prayer in print? She made no answer, but reaching the Prayer-Book from a shelf, and turning up the leaf, put it into his hand; then the captain having adjusted his spectacles, began to read, or rather spell aloud, with equal eagerness and solemnity. He had refreshed his memory so well as to remember the whole, when the doctor, returning with his companions, gave him to understand that he had procured⁶⁰ the key of the chancel, where he might watch his armour as well as in the body of the church; and that he was ready to conduct him to the spot. Crowe was not now quite so forward as he had appeared before, to achieve this adventure. He began to start objections with respect to the borrowed armour; he wanted to stipulate⁶¹ the comforts of a can of flip⁶², and a candle’s end, during his vigil; and hinted something of the damage he might sustain from your malicious⁶³ imps⁶⁴ of darkness.
 
The doctor told him, the constitutions of chivalry⁶⁵ absolutely required that he should be left in the dark alone, and fasting, to spend the night in pious⁶⁶ meditations⁶⁷; but if he had any fears which disturbed his conscience, he had much better desist, and give up all thoughts of knight-errantry, which could not consist with the least shadow of apprehension⁶⁸. The captain, stung by this remark, replied not a word, but gathering⁶⁹ up the armour into a bundle, threw it on his back, and set out for the place of probation⁴, preceded by Clarke with the lantern. When they arrived at the church, Fillet, who had procured the key from the sexton, who was his patient, opened the door, and conducted our novice⁷⁰ into the middle of the chancel, where the armour was deposited. Then bidding Crowe draw his hanger⁷¹, committed him to the protection of Heaven, assuring him he would come back, and find him either dead or alive by daybreak, and perform the remaining part of the ceremony. So saying, he and the other associates shook him by the hand and took their leave, after the surgeon had tilted⁷² up the lantern to take a view of his visage, which was pale and haggard.
 
Before the door was locked upon him, he called aloud, “Hilloa! doctor, hip—another word, d’ye see.” They forthwith returned to know what he wanted, and found him already in a sweat. “Hark ye, brother,” said he, wiping his face, “I do suppose as how one may pass away the time in whistling the Black Joke, or singing Black-eyed Susan, or some such sorrowful ditty.”—“By no means,” cried the doctor; “such pastimes are neither suitable to the place, nor the occasion, which is altogether a religious exercise. If you have got any psalms⁷³ by heart, you may sing a stave or two, or repeat the Doxology.”—“Would I had Tom Laverick here,” replied our novitiate; “he would sing your anthems⁷⁴ like a sea-mew—a had been a clerk a-shore—many’s the time and often I’ve given him a rope’s end for singing psalms in the larboard watch. Would I had hired the son of a b—-h to have taught me a cast of his office—but it cannot be holp, brother—if we can’t go large, we must haul up a wind, as the saying is; if we can’t sing, we must pray.” The company again left him to his devotion, and returned to the public-house, in order to execute the essential part of their project.