For ten minutes I stood there staring up at her, completely bewildered and not a little shaken. My first thought had been of ghosts, but it was almost instantly dispelled¹ by a significant action on the part of the suspected wraith². She turned to whistle over her shoulder, and to snap her fingers peremptorily³, and then she stooped and picked up a rather lusty chow dog which promptly⁴ barked at me across the intervening space, having discovered me almost at once although I was many rods away and quite snugly⁵ ensconced among the shadows. The lady in white muzzled⁶ him with her hand and I could almost imagine I heard her reproving whispers. After a few minutes, she apparently⁷ forgot the dog and lifted her hand to adjust something in her hair. He again barked at me, quite ferociously⁸ for a chow. This time it was quite plain to her that he was not barking at the now shadowy moon. She peered over the stone balustrade and an instant later disappeared from view through the high, narrow window.  
Vastly exercised, I set out in quest of Herr Schmick, martialing Poopendyke as I went along, realising that I would have to depend on his German, which was less halting than mine and therefore, more likely to dovetail with that of the Schmicks, neither of whom spoke⁹ German because they loved it but because they had to,—being Austrians. We found the four Schmicks in the vast kitchen, watching Britton while he pressed my trousers on an oak table so large that the castle must have been built around it.
 
Herr Schmick was weighted down with the keys of the castle, which never left his possession day or night.
 
"Herr Schmick," said I, "will you be so good as to inform me who the dickens that woman is over in the east wing of the castle?"
 
"Woman, mein herr?" He almost dropped his keys. His big sons said something to each other that I couldn't quite catch, but it sounded very much like "der duyvil."
 
"A woman in a white dress,—with a dog."
 
"A dog?" he cried. "But, mein herr, dogs are not permitted to be in the castle."
 
"Who is she? How did she get there?"
 
"Heaven defend us, sir! It must have been the ghost of—"
 
"Ghost, your granny!" I cried, relapsing into English. "Please don't beat about the bush, Mr. Schmick. She's over there in the unused wing, which I haven't been allowed to penetrate¹⁰ in spite of the fact that it belongs to me. You say you can't find the keys to that side of the castle. Will you explain how it is that it is open to strange women and—and dogs?"
 
"You must be mistaken, mein herr," he whined¹¹ abjectly¹². "She cannot be there. She—Ah, I have it! It may have been my wife. Gretel! Have you been in the east—"
 
"Nonsense!" I cried sharply. "This won't do, Mr. Schmick. Give me that bunch of keys. We'll investigate. I can't have strange women gallivanting about the place as if they owned it. This is no trysting place for Juliets, Herr Schmick. We'll get to the bottom of this at once. Here, you Rudolph, fetch a couple of lanterns. Max, get a sledge¹³ or two from the forge. There is a forge. I saw it yesterday out there back of the stables. So don't try to tell me there isn't one. If we can't unlock the doors, we'll smash 'em in. They're mine, and I'll knock 'em to smithereens if I feel like it."
 
The four Schmicks wrung¹⁵ their hands and shook their heads and, then, repairing to the scullery, growled¹⁶ and grumbled¹⁷ for fully¹⁸ ten minutes before deciding to obey my commands. In the meantime, I related my experience to Poopendyke and Britton.
 
"That reminds me, sir," said Britton, "that I found a rag-doll in the courtyard yesterday, on that side of the building, sir—I should say castle, sir."
 
"I am quite sure I heard a baby crying the second night we were here, Mr. Smart," said my secretary nervously¹⁹.
 
"And there was smoke coming from one of the back chimney pots this morning," added Britton.
 
I was thoughtful for a moment. "What became of the rag-doll, Britton?" I enquired²⁰ shrewdly.
 
"I turned it over to old Schmick, sir," said he. He grinned. "I thought as maybe it belonged to one of his boys."
 
On the aged²¹ caretaker's reappearance, I bluntly inquired what had become of the doll-baby. He was terribly confused.
 
"I know nothing, I know nothing," he mumbled²², and I could see that he was miserably²³ upset. His sons towered and glowered²⁴ and his wife wrapped and unwrapped her hands in her apron²⁵, all the time supplicating²⁶ heaven to be good to the true and the faithful.
 
From what I could gather, they all seemed to be more disturbed over the fact that my hallucination included a dog than by the claim that I had seen a woman.
 
"But, confound you, Schmick," I cried in some heat, "it barked at me."
 
"Gott in himmel!" they all cried, and, to my surprise, the old woman burst into tears.
 
"It is bad to dream of a dog," she wailed²⁷. "It means evil to all of us. Evil to—"
 
"Come!" said I, grabbing the keys from the old man's unresisting hand. "And, Schmick, if that dog bites me, I'll hold you personally responsible. Do you understand?"
 
Two abreast²⁸ we filed through the long, vaulted²⁹ halls, Rudolph carrying a gigantic lantern and Max a sledge. We traversed extensive corridors, mounted tortuous³¹ stairs and came at length to the sturdy oak door that separated the east wing from the west: a huge, formidable thing strengthened by many cross-pieces and studded with rusty³³ bolt-heads. Padlocks as large as horse-shoes, corroded³⁴ by rust³² and rendered absolutely impracticable by age, confronted us.
 
"I have not the keys," said old Conrad Schmick sourly. "This door has not been opened in my time. It is no use."
 
"It is no use," repeated his grizzly³⁵ sons, leaning against the mouldy walls with weary tolerance³⁶.
 
"Then how did the woman and her dog get into that part of the castle?" I demanded. "Tell me that!"
 
They shook their heads, almost compassionately³⁷, as much as to say, "It is always best to humour a mad man."
 
"And the baby," added Poopendyke, turning up his coat collar to protect his thin neck from the draft that smote³⁸ us from the halls.
 
"Smash those padlocks, Max," I commanded resolutely³⁹.
 
Max looked stupidly at his father and the old man looked at his wife, and then all four of them looked at me, almost imploringly⁴⁰.
 
"Why destroy a perfectly⁴¹ good padlock, mein herr?" began Max, twirling the sledge in his hand as if it were a bamboo cane⁴².
 
"Hi! Look out there!" gasped⁴³ Britton, in some alarm. "Don't let that thing slip!"
 
"Doesn't this castle belong to me?" I demanded, considerably⁴⁴ impressed by the ease with which he swung the sledge. A very dangerous person, I began to perceive.
 
"It does, mein herr," shouted all of them gladly, and touched their forelocks.
 
"Everything is yours," added old Conrad, with a comprehensive sweep of his hand that might have put the whole universe in my name.
 
"Smash that padlock, Max," I said after a second's hesitation⁴⁵.
 
"I'll bet he can't do it," said Britton, ingeniously.
 
Very reluctantly Max bared his great arms, spit upon his hands, and, with a pitiful look at his parents, prepared to deal the first blow upon the ancient padlock. The old couple turned their heads away, and put their fingers to their ears, cringing⁴⁶ like things about to be whipped.
 
"Now, one—two—three!" cried I, affecting an enthusiasm I didn't feel.
 
The sledge fell upon the padlock and rebounded⁴⁷ with almost equal force. The sound of the crash must have disturbed every bird and bat in the towers of the grim old pile. But the padlock merely shed a few scabs of rust and rattled⁴⁹ back into its customary repose⁵⁰.
 
"See!" cried Max, triumphantly⁵¹. "It cannot be broken." Rudolph, his broad face beaming, held the lantern close to the padlock and showed me that it hadn't been dented⁵² by the blow.
 
"It is a very fine lock," cried old Conrad, with a note of pride in his voice.
 
I began to feel some pride in the thing myself. "It is, indeed," I said. "Try once more, Max."
 
It seemed to me that he struck with a great deal more confidence than before, and again they all uttered ejaculations of pleasure. I caught Dame⁵³ Schmick in the act of thanking God with her fingers.
 
"See here," I exclaimed, facing them angrily, "what does all this mean? You are deceiving me, all of you. Now, let's have the truth—every word of it—or out you go to-morrow, the whole lot of you. I insist on knowing who that woman is, why she is here in my hou—my castle, and—everything, do you understand?"
 
Apparently they didn't understand, for they looked at me with all the stupidity they could command.
 
"You try, Mr. Poopendyke," I said, giving it up in despair. He sought to improve on my German, but I think he made it worse. They positively⁵⁴ refused to be intelligent.
 
"Give me the hammer," I said at last in desperation. Max surrendered the clumsy, old-fashioned instrument with a grin and I motioned for them all to stand back. Three successive blows with all the might I had in my body failed to shatter the lock, whereupon my choler rose to heights hitherto unknown, I being a very mild-mannered, placid⁵⁵ person and averse³⁰ to anything savouring of the tempestuous⁵⁶. I delivered a savage⁵⁷ and resounding⁵⁸ thwack upon the broad oak panel of the door, regardless of the destructiveness that might attend the effort. If any one had told me that I couldn't splinter an oak board with a sledge-hammer at a single blow I should have laughed in his face. But as it turned out in this case I not only failed to split the panel but broke off the sledge handle near the head, putting it wholly out of commission for the time being as well as stinging my hands so severely⁵⁹ that I doubled up with pain and shouted words that Dame Schmick could not put into her prayers.
 
The Schmicks fairly glowed with joy! Afterwards Max informed me that the door was nearly six inches thick and often had withstood the assaults of huge battering⁶⁰ rams⁶¹, back in the dim past when occasion induced the primal⁶² baron⁶³ to seek safety in the east wing, which, after all, appears to have been the real, simon pure fortress⁶⁴. The west wing was merely a setting for festal amenities⁶⁵ and was by no means feudal⁶⁶ in its aspect or appeal. Here, as I came to know, the old barons⁶⁷ received their friends and feasted them and made merry with the flagon and the horn of plenty; here the humble⁶⁸ tithe⁶⁹ payer came to settle his dues with gold and silver instead of with blood; here the little barons and baronesses⁷⁰ romped⁷¹ and rioted with childish glee; and here the barons grew fat and gross and soggy with laziness and prosperity, and here they died in stupid quiescence⁷². On the other side of that grim, staunch old door they simply went to the other extreme in every particular. There they killed their captives, butchered their enemies, and sometimes died with the daggers⁷³ of traitors⁷⁴ in their shivering backs.
 
As we trudged⁷⁵ back to the lower halls, defeated but none the less impressed by our failure to devastate⁷⁶ our stronghold, I was struck by the awful barrenness of the surroundings. There suddenly came over me the shocking realisation: the "contents" of the castle, as set forth⁷⁷ rather vaguely⁷⁸ in the bill of sale, were not what I had been led to consider them. It had not occurred to me at the time of the transaction to insist upon an inventory⁷⁹, and I had been too busy since the beginning of my tenancy to take more than a passing account of my belongings⁸⁰. In excusing myself for this rather careless oversight⁸¹, I can only say that during daylight hours the castle was so completely stuffed with workmen and their queer utensils⁸² that I couldn't do much in the way of elimination⁸³, and by night it was so horribly black and lonesome about the place and the halls were so littered with tools and mops and timber that it was extremely hazardous⁸⁴ to go prowling about, so I preferred to remain in my own quarters, which were quite comfortable and cosy⁸⁵ in spite of the distance between points of convenience.
 
Still I was vaguely certain that many articles I had seen about the halls on my first and second visits were no longer in evidence. Two or three antique rugs, for instance, were missing from the main hall, and there was a lamentable⁸⁶ suggestion of emptiness at the lower end where we had stacked a quantity of rare old furniture in order to make room for the workmen.
 
"Herr Schmick," said I, abruptly⁸⁷ halting my party in the centre of the hall, "what has become of the rugs that were here last week, and where is that pile of furniture we had back yonder?"
 
Rudolph allowed the lantern to swing behind his huge legs, intentionally⁸⁸ I believe, and I was compelled to relieve him of it in order that we might extract ourselves from his shadow. I have never seen such a colossal⁸⁹ shadow as the one he cast.
 
Old Conrad was not slow in answering.
 
"The gentlemen called day before yesterday, mein herr, and took much away. They will return to-morrow for the remainder."
 
"Gentlemen?" I gasped. "Remainder?"
 
"The gentlemen to whom the Herr Count sold the rugs and chairs and chests and—"
 
"What!" I roared. Even Poopendyke jumped at this sudden exhibition of wrath⁹⁰. "Do you mean to tell me that these things have been sold and carried away without my knowledge or consent? I'll have the law—"
 
Herr Poopendyke intervened. "They had bills of sale and orders for removal of property dated several weeks prior to your purchase, Mr. Smart. We had to let the articles go. You surely remember my speaking to you about it."
 
"I don't remember anything," I snapped, which was the truth. "Why—why, I bought everything that the castle contained. This is robbery! What the dickens do you mean by—"
 
Old Conrad held up his hands as if expecting to pacify⁹¹ me. I sputtered⁹² out the rest of the sentence, which really amounted to nothing.
 
"The Count has been selling off the lovely old pieces for the past six months, sir. Ach, what a sin! They have come here day after day, these furniture buyers, to take away the most priceless of our treasures, to sell them to the poor rich at twenty prices. I could weep over the sacrifices. I have wept, haven't I, Gretel? Eh, Rudolph? Buckets of tears have I shed, mein herr. Oceans of them. Time after time have I implored⁹³ him to deny these rascally⁹⁴ curio hunters, these blood-sucking—"
 
"But listen to me," I broke in. "Do you mean to say that articles have been taken away from the castle since I came into possession?"
 
"Many of them, sir. Always with proper credentials⁹⁵, believe me. Ach, what a spendthrift he is! And his poor wife! Ach, Gott, how she must suffer. Nearly all of the grand paintings, the tapestries⁹⁶ that came from France and Italy hundreds of years ago, the wonderful old bedsteads and tables that were here when the castle was new—all gone! And for mere⁴⁸ songs, mein herr,—the cheapest of songs! I—I—"
 
"Please don't weep now, Herr Schmick," I made haste to exclaim, seeing lachrymose⁹⁷ symptoms in his blear old eyes. Then I became firm once more. This knavery⁹⁸ must cease, or I'd know the reason why. "The next man who comes here to cart away so much as a single piece is to be kicked out. Do you understand? These things belong to me. Kick him into the river. Or, better still, notify me and I'll do it. Why, if this goes on we'll soon be deprived of anything to sit on or sleep in or eat from! Lock the doors, Conrad, and don't admit any one without first consulting me. By Jove, I'd like to wring⁹⁹ that rascal's neck. A Count! Umph!"
 
"Ach, he is of the noblest family in all the land," sighed old Gretel. "His grandfather was a fine man." I contrived¹⁰⁰ to subdue¹⁰¹ my rage and disappointment and somewhat loudly returned to the topic from which we were drifting.
 
"As for those beastly padlocks, I shall have them filed off to-morrow. I give you warning, Conrad, if the keys are not forthcoming before noon to-morrow, I'll file 'em off, so help me."
 
"They are yours to destroy, mein herr, God knows," said he dismally¹⁰². "It is a pity to destroy fine old padlocks—"
 
"Well, you wait and see," said I, grimly.
 
His face beamed once more. "Ach, I forgot to say that there are padlocks on the other side of the door, just as on this side. It will be of no use to destroy these. The door still could not be forced. Mein Gott! How thankful I am to have remembered it in time."
 
"Confound you, Schmick, I believe you actually want to keep me out of that part of the castle," I exploded.
 
The four of them protested manfully, even Gretel.
 
"I have a plan, sir," said Britton. "Why not place a tall ladder in the courtyard and crawl in through one of the windows?"
 
"Splendid! That's what we'll do!" I cried enthusiastically. "And now let's go to bed! We will breakfast at eight, Mrs. Schmick. The early bird catches the worm, you know."
 
"Will you see the American ladies and gentlemen who are coming to-morrow to pick out the—"
 
"Yes, I'll see them," said I, compressing my lips. "Don't let me over-sleep, Britton."
 
"I shan't, sir," said he.
 
Sleep evaded¹⁰³ me for hours. What with the possible proximity¹⁰⁴ of an undesirable¹⁰⁵ feminine neighbour, mysterious and elusive¹⁰⁶ though she may prove to be, and the additional dread¹⁰⁷ of dogs and babies, to say nothing of the amazing delinquencies to be laid to the late owner of the place, and the prospect¹⁰⁸ of a visit from coarse and unfeeling bargain-hunters on the morrow, it is really not surprising that I tossed about in my baronial bed, counting sheep backwards¹⁰⁹ and forwards over hedges and fences until the vociferous¹¹⁰ cocks in the stable yard began to send up their clarion¹¹¹ howdy-dos to the sun. Strangely enough, with the first peep of day through the decrepit¹¹² window shutters¹¹³ I fell into a sound sleep. Britton got nothing but grunts¹¹⁴ from me until half-past nine. At that hour he came into my room and delivered news that aroused me more effectually than all the alarm clocks or alarm cocks in the world could have done.
 
"Get up, sir, if you please," he repeated the third time. "The party of Americans is below, sir, rummaging¹¹⁵ about the place. They have ordered the workmen to stop work, sir, complaining of the beastly noise they make, and the dust and all that, sir. They have already selected half a dozen pieces and they have brought enough porters and carriers over in the boats to take the stuff away in—"
 
"Where is Poopendyke?" I cried, leaping out of bed. "I don't want to be shaved, Britton, and don't bother about the tub." He had filled my twentieth century portable tub, recently acquired, and was nervously creating a lather¹¹⁶ in my shaving mug,
 
"You look very rough, sir."
 
"So much the better."
 
"Mr. Poopendyke is in despair, sir. He has tried to explain that nothing is for sale, but the gentlemen say they are onto his game. They go right on yanking things about and putting their own prices on them and reserving them. They are perfectly delighted, sir, to have found so many old things they really want for their new houses."
 
"I'll—I'll put a stop to all this," I grated, seeing red for an instant.
 
"And the ladies, sir! There are three of them, all from New York City, and they keep on saying they are completely ravished, sir,—with joy, I take it. Your great sideboard in the dining-room is to go to Mrs. Riley-Werkheimer, and the hall-seat that the first Baron used to throw his armour¹¹⁷ on when he came in from—"
 
"Great snakes!" I roared. "They haven't moved it, have they? It will fall to pieces!"
 
"No, sir. They are piling sconces and candelabra and andirons on it, regardless of what Mr. Poopendyke says. You'd better hurry, sir. Here is your collar and necktie—"
 
"I don't want 'em. Where the dickens are my trousers?"
 
His face fell. "Being pressed, sir, God forgive me!"
 
"Get out another pair, confound you, Britton. What are we coming to?"
 
He began rummaging in the huge clothespress, all the while regaling me with news from the regions below.
 
"Mr. Poopendyke has gone up to his room, sir, with his typewriter. The young lady insisted on having it. She squealed¹¹⁸ with joy at seeing an antique typewriter and he—he had to run away with it, 'pon my soul he did, sir."
 
I couldn't help laughing.
 
"And your golf clubs, Mr. Smart. The young gentleman of the party is perfectly carried away with them. He says they're the real thing, the genuine sixteenth century article. They are a bit rusted¹¹⁹, you'll remember. I left him out in the courtyard trying your brassie and mid-iron, sir, endeavouring to loft¹²⁰ potatoes over the south wall. I succeeded in hiding the balls, sir. Just as I started upstairs I heard one of the new window panes¹²¹ in the banquet hall smash, sir, so I take it he must have sliced his drive a bit."
 
"Who let these people in?" I demanded in smothered¹²² tones from the depths of a sweater I was getting into in order to gain time by omitting a collar.
 
"They came in with the plumbers¹²³, sir, at half-past eight. Old man Schmick tried to keep them out, but they said they didn't understand German and walked right by, leaving their donkeys in the roadway outside."
 
"Couldn't Rudolph and Max stop them?" I cried, as my head emerged.
 
"They were still in bed, sir. I think they're at breakfast now."
 
"Good lord!" I groaned¹²⁴, looking at my watch. "Nine-thirty! What sort of a rest cure am I conducting here?"
 
We hurried downstairs so fast that I lost one of my bedroom slippers¹²⁶. It went clattering¹²⁷ on ahead of us, making a shameful¹²⁸ racket on the bare stones, but Britton caught it up in time to save it from the clutches of the curio-vandals. My workmen were lolling about the place, smoking vile¹²⁹ pipes and talking in guttural whispers. All operations appeared to have ceased in my establishment at the command of the far from idle rich. Two portly gentlemen in fedoras were standing¹³⁰ in the middle of the great hall, discussing the merits of a dingy¹³¹ old spinet¹³² that had been carried out of the music room by two lusty porters from the hotel. From somewhere in the direction of the room where the porcelains¹³⁴ and earthenware¹³⁵ were stored came the shrill¹³⁶, excited voices of women. The aged Schmicks were sitting side by side on a window ledge¹⁴, with the rigid¹³⁷ reticence¹³⁸ of wax figures.
 
As I came up, I heard one of the strangers say to the other:
 
"Well, if you don't want it, I'll take it. My wife says it can be made into a writing desk with a little—"
 
"I beg your pardon, gentlemen," said I confronting them. "Will you be good enough to explain this intrusion?"
 
They stared at me as if I were a servant asking for higher wages. The speaker, a fat man with a bristly moustache and a red necktie, drew himself up haughtily¹³⁹.
 
"Who the devil are you?" he demanded, fixing me with a glare.
 
I knew at once that he was the kind of an American I have come to hate with a zest¹⁴⁰ that knows no moderation; the kind that makes one ashamed of the national melting pot. I glared back at him.
 
"I happen to be the owner of this place, and you'll oblige me by clearing out."
 
"What's that? Here, here, none of that sort of talk, my friend. We're here to look over your stuff, and we mean business, but you won't get anywhere by talking like—"
 
"There is nothing for sale here," I said shortly. "And you've got a lot of nerve to come bolting into a private house—"
 
"Say," said the second man, advancing with a most insulting scowl¹⁴¹, "we'll understand each other right off the reel, my friend. All you've got to do is to answer us when we ask for prices. Now, bear that in mind, and don't try any of your high-and-mighty tactics on us."
 
"Just remember that you're a junk-dealer and we'll get along splendidly," said the other, in a tone meant to crush me. "What do you ask for this thing?" tapping the dusty spinet with his walking-stick.
 
It suddenly occurred to me that the situation was humorous.
 
"You will have to produce your references, gentlemen, before I can discuss anything with you," I said, after swallowing very hard. (It must have been my pride.)
 
They stared. "Good Lord!" gasped the bristly one, blinking his eyes. "Don't you know who this gentleman is? You—you appear to be an American. You must know Mr. Riley-Werkheimer of New York."
 
"I regret to say that I have never heard of Mr. Riley-Werkheimer. I did not know that Mrs. Riley-Werkheimer's husband was living. And may I ask who you are?"
 
"Oh, I am also a nobody," said he, with a wink¹⁴² at his purple-jowled companion. "I am only poor old Rocksworth, the president of the—"
 
"Oh, don't say anything more, Mr. Rocksworth," I cried. "I have heard of you. This fine old spinet? Well, it has been reduced in price. Ten thousand dollars, Mr. Rocksworth."
 
"Ten thousand nothing! I'll take it at seventy-five dollars. And now let's talk about this here hall-seat. My wife thinks it's a fake. What is its history, and what sort of guarantee can you—"
 
"A fake!" I cried in dismay. "My dear Mr. Rocksworth, that is the very hall-seat that Pontius Pilate sat in when waiting for an audience with the first of the great Teutonic barons. The treaty between the Romans and the Teutons was signed on that table over there,—the one you have so judiciously¹⁴³ selected, I perceive. Of course, you know that this was the Saxon seat of government. Charlemagne lived here with all his court."
 
They tried not to look impressed, but rather overdid¹⁴⁴ it.
 
"That's the sort of a story you fellows always put up, you skinflints from Boston. I'll bet my head you are from Boston," said Mr. Rocksworth shrewdly.
 
"I couldn't afford to have you lose your head, Mr. Rocksworth, so I shan't take you on," said I merrily.
 
"Don't get fresh now," said he stiffly.
 
Mr. Riley-Werkheimer walked past me to take a closer look at the seat, almost treading on my toes rather than to give an inch to me.
 
"How can you prove that it's the genuine article?" he demanded curtly¹⁴⁵.
 
"You have my word for it, sir," I said quietly.
 
"Pish tush!" said he.
 
Mr. Rocksworth turned in the direction of the banquet hall.
 
"Carrie!" he shouted. "Come here a minute, will you?"
 
"Don't shout like that, Orson," came back from the porcelain¹³³ closet. "You almost made me drop this thing."
 
"Well, drop it, and come on. This is important."
 
I wiped the moisture from my brow and respectfully put my clenched¹⁴⁶ fists into my pockets.
 
A minute later, three females appeared on the scene, all of them dusting their hands and curling their noses in disgust.
 
"I never saw such a dirty place," said the foremost, a large lady who couldn't, by any circumstance of fate, have been anybody's wife but Rocksworth's. "It's filthy¹⁴⁷! What do you want?"
 
"I've bought this thing here for seventy-five. You said I couldn't get it for a nickle under a thousand. And say, this man tells me the hall seat here belonged to Pontius Pilate in—"
 
"Pardon me," I interrupted, "I merely said that he sat in it. I am not trying to deceive you, sir."
 
"And the treaty was signed on this table," said Mr. Riley-Werkheimer. He addressed himself to a plump young lady with a distorted bust¹⁴⁸ and a twenty-two inch waist. "Maude, what do you know about the Roman-Teutonic treaty? We'll catch you now, my friend," he went on, turning to me. "My daughter is up in ancient history. She's an authority."
 
Miss Maude appeared to be racking her brain. I undertook to assist her.
 
"I mean the second treaty, after the fall of Nuremburg," I explained.
 
"Oh," she said, instantly relieved. "Was it really signed here, right here in this hall? Oh, Father! We must have that table."
 
"You are sure there was a treaty, Maude?" demanded her parent accusingly.
 
"Certainly," she cried. "The Teutons ceded¹⁴⁹ Alsace-Lorraine to—"
 
"Pardon me once more," I cried, and this time I plead guilty to a blush, "you are thinking of the other treaty—the one at Metz, Miss Riley-Werkheimer. This, as you will recall, ante-dates that one by—oh, several years."
 
"Thank you," she said, quite condescendingly. "I was confused for a moment. Of course, Father, I can't say that it was signed here or on this table as the young man says. I only know that there was a treaty. I do wish you'd come and see the fire-screen I've found—"
 
"Let's get this out of our system first," said her father. "If you can show me statistics and the proper proof that this is the genuine table, young man, I'll—"
 
"Pray rest easy, sir," I said. "We can take it up later on. The facts are—"
 
"And this Pontius Pilate seat," interrupted Rocksworth, biting off the end of a fresh cigar. "What about it? Got a match?"
 
"Get the gentleman a match, Britton," I said, thereby¹⁵⁰ giving my valet an opportunity to do his exploding in the pantry. "I can only affirm, sir, that it is common history that Pontius Pilate spent a portion of his exile here in the sixth century. It is reasonable to assume that he sat in this seat, being an old man unused to difficult stairways. He—"
 
"Buy it, Orson," said his wife, with authority. "We'll take a chance on it. If it isn't the right thing, we can sell it to the second-hand¹⁵¹ dealers¹⁵². What's the price?"
 
"A thousand dollars to you, madam," said I.
 
They were at once suspicious. While they were busily engaged in looking the seat over as the porters shifted it about at all angles, I stepped over and ordered my workmen to resume their operations. I was beginning to get sour and angry again, having missed my coffee. From the culinary regions there ascended¹⁵³ a most horrific odour of fried onions. If there is one thing I really resent it is a fried onion. I do not know why I should have felt the way I did about it on this occasion, but I am mean enough now to confess that I hailed the triumphal entry of that pernicious odour with a meanness of spirit that leaves nothing to be explained.
 
"Good gracious!" gasped the aristocratic Mrs. Riley-Werkheimer, holding her nose. "Do you smell that"?
 
"Onions! My Gawd!" sniffed¹⁵⁴ Maude. "How I hate 'em!"
 
Mr. Rocksworth forgot his dignity. "Hate 'em?" he cried, his eyes rolling. "I just love 'em!"
 
"Orson!" said his wife, transfixing him with a glare. "What will people think of you?"
 
"I like 'em too," admitted Mr. Riley-Werkheimer, perceiving at once whom she meant by "people." He puffed¹⁵⁵ out his chest.
 
At that instant the carpenters, plumbers and stone masons resumed their infernal racket, while scrubwomen, polishers and painters began to move intimately among us.
 
"Here!" roared Mr. Rocksworth. "Stop this beastly noise! What the deuce do you mean, sir, permitting these scoundrels to raise the dead like this? Confound 'em, I stopped them once. Here! You! Let up on that, will you?"
 
I moved forward apologetically. "I am afraid it is not onions you smell, ladies and gentlemen." I had taken my cue with surprising quickness. "They are raising the dead. The place is fairly alive with dead rats and—"
 
"Good Lord!" gasped Riley-Werkheimer. "We'll get the bubonic plague here."
 
"Oh, I know onions," said Rocksworth calmly. "Can't fool me on onions. They are onions, ain't they, Carrie?"
 
"They are!" said she. "What a pity to have this wonderful old castle actually devastated¹⁵⁶ by workmen! It is an outrage—a crime. I should think the owner would turn over in his grave."
 
"Unhappily, I am the owner, madam," said I, slyly working my foot back into an elusive slipper¹²⁵.
 
"You ought to be ashamed of yourself," she said, eyeing me coldly with a hitherto unexposed lorgnon.
 
"I am," said I. "You quite took me by surprise. I should have made myself more presentable if I had known—"
 
"Well, let's move on upstairs," said Rocksworth. Addressing the porters he said: "You fellows get this lot of stuff together and I'll take an option on it. I'll be over to-morrow to close the deal, Mr.—Mr.—Now, where is the old Florentine mirror the Count was telling us about?"
 
"The Count?" said I, frowning.
 
"Yes, the real owner. You can't stuff me with your talk about being the proprietor¹⁵⁷ here, my friend. You see, we happen to know the Count."
 
They all condescended¹⁵⁸ to laugh at me. I don't know what I should have said or done if Britton had not returned with a box of matches at that instant—sulphur matches which added subtly to the growing illusion.
 
Almost simultaneously¹⁵⁹ there appeared in the lower hall a lanky¹⁶⁰ youth of eighteen. He was a loud-voiced, imperious sort of chap with at least three rolls to his trousers and a plum-coloured cap.
 
"Say, these clubs are the real stuff, all right, all right. They're as brittle¹⁶¹ as glass. See what I did to 'em. We can hae 'em spliced¹⁶² and rewound and I'll hang 'em on my wall. All I want is the heads anyhow."
 
He held up to view a headless mid-iron and brassie, and triumphantly waved a splendid cleek. My favourite clubs! I could play better from a hanging lie with that beautiful brassie than with any club I ever owned and as for the iron, I was deadly with it.
 
He lit a cigarette and threw the match into a pile of shavings. Old Conrad returned to life at that instant and stamped out the incipient¹⁶³ blaze.
 
"I shouldn't consider them very good clubs, Harold, if they break off like that," said his mother.
 
"What do you know about clubs?" he snapped, and I at once knew what class he was in at the preparatory school.
 
If I was ever like one of these, said I to myself, God rest the sage¹⁶⁴ soul of my Uncle Rilas!
 
The situation was no longer humorous. I could put up with anything but the mishandling of my devoted¹⁶⁵ golf clubs.
 
Striding up to him, I snatched the remnants from his hands.
 
"You infernal cub¹⁶⁶!" I roared. "Haven't you any more sense than to smash a golf club like that? For two cents I'd break this putter over your head."
 
"Father!" he yelled indignantly. "Who is this mucker?"
 
Mr. Rocksworth bounced toward me, his cane raised. I whirled upon him.
 
"How dare you!" he shouted. The ladies squealed.
 
If he expected me to cringe, he was mightily¹⁶⁷ mistaken. My blood was up. I advanced.
 
"Paste him, Dad!" roared Harold.
 
But Mr. Rocksworth suddenly altered his course and put the historic treaty table between him and me. He didn't like the appearance of my rather brawny¹⁶⁸ fist.
 
"You big stiff!" shouted Harold. Afterwards it occurred to me that this inelegant appellation¹⁶⁹ may have been meant for his father, but at the time I took it to be aimed at me.
 
Before Harold quite knew what was happening to him, he was prancing¹⁷⁰ down the long hall with my bony fingers grasping his collar. Coming to the door opening into the outer vestibule, I drew back my foot for a final aid to locomotion¹⁷¹. Acutely recalling the fact that slippers are not designed for kicking purposes, I raised my foot, removed the slipper and laid it upon a taut¹⁷² section of his trousers with all of the melancholy¹⁷³ force that I usually exert in slicing my drive off the tee. I shall never forget the exquisite¹⁷⁴ spasm¹⁷⁵ of pleasure his plaintive¹⁷⁶ "Ouch!" gave me.
 
Then Harold passed swiftly out of my life.
 
Mr. Rocksworth, reinforced by four reluctant mercenaries in the shape of porters, was advancing upon me. Somehow I had a vague, but unerring instinct that some one had fainted, but I didn't stop to inquire. Without much ado, I wrested¹⁷⁷ the cane from him and sent it scuttling¹⁷⁸ after Harold.
 
"Now, get out!" I roared.
 
"You shall pay for this!" he sputtered, quite black in the face. "Grab him, you infernal cowards!"
 
But the four porters slunk away, and Mr. Rocksworth faced me alone. Rudolph and Max, thoroughly¹⁷⁹ fed and most prodigious¹⁸⁰, were bearing down upon us, accounting¹⁸¹ for the flight of the mercenaries.
 
"Get out!" I repeated. "I am the owner of this place, Mr. Rocksworth, and I am mad through and through. Skip!"
 
"I'll have the law—"
 
"Law be hanged!"
 
"If it costs me a million, I'll get—"
 
"It will cost you a million if you don't get!" I advised him, seeing that he paused for want of breath.
 
I left him standing there, but had the presence of mind to wave my huge henchmen away. Mr. Riley-Werkheimer approached, but very pacifically. He was paler than he will ever be again in his life, I fear.
 
"This is most distressing¹⁸², most distressing, Mr.— Mr.— ahem! I've never been so outraged¹⁸³ in my life. I—but, wait!" He had caught the snap in my atavistic eye. "I am not seeking trouble. We will go, sir. I—I—I think my wife has quite recovered. Are—are you all right, my dear?"
 
I stood aside and let them file past me. Mrs. Riley-Werkheimer moved very nimbly for one who had just been revived by smelling-salts. As her husband went by, he half halted in front of me. A curious glitter leaped into his fishy¹⁸⁴ eyes.
 
"I'd give a thousand dollars to be free to do what you did to that insufferable puppy, Mr.—Mr.—ahem. A cool thousand, damn him!"
 
I had my coffee upstairs, far removed from the onions. A racking headache set in. Never again will I go without my coffee so long. It always gives me a headache.