The first night we were both pretty weary, and she extremely so. There was little talk between us, and I packed her off to her bed as soon as she had eaten. The first thing in the morning I wrote word to Sprott to have her mails sent on, together with a line to Alan at his chief's; and had the same dispatched, and her breakfast ready, ere I waked her. I was a little abashed7 when she came forth8 in her one habit, and the mud of the way upon her stockings. By what inquiries9 I had made, it [pg 311]seemed a good few days must pass before her mails could come to hand in Leyden, and it was plainly needful she must have a shift of things. She was unwilling10 at first that I should go to that expense; but I reminded her she was now a rich man's sister and must appear suitably in the part, and we had not got to the second merchant's before she was entirely11 charmed into the spirit of the thing, and her eyes shining. It pleased me to see her so innocent and thorough in this pleasure. What was more extraordinary was the passion into which I fell on it myself; being never satisfied that I had bought her enough or fine enough, and never weary of beholding12 her in different attires13. Indeed, I began to understand some little of Miss Grant's immersion14 in that interest of clothes; for the truth is, when you have the ground of a beautiful person to adorn15, the whole business becomes beautiful. The Dutch chintzes I should say were extraordinary cheap and fine; but I would be ashamed to set down what I paid for stockings to her. Altogether I spent so great a sum upon this pleasuring (as I may call it) that I was ashamed for a great while to spend more; and by way of a set off, I left our chambers pretty bare. If we had beds, if Catriona was a little braw, and I had light to see her by, we were richly enough lodged16 for me.
By the end of this merchandising I was glad to leave her at the door with all our purchases, and go for a long walk alone in which to read myself a lecture. Here had [pg 312]I taken under my roof, and as good as to my bosom18, a young lass extremely beautiful, and whose innocence19 was her peril20. My talk with the old Dutchman, and the lies to which I was constrained21, had already given me a sense of how my conduct must appear to others; and now, after the strong admiration22 I had just experienced and the immoderacy with which I had continued my vain purchases, I began to think of it myself as very hasarded. I bethought me, if I had a sister indeed, whether I would so expose her; then, judging the case too problematical, I varied23 my question into this, whether I would so trust Catriona in the hands of any other Christian24 being: the answer to which made my face to burn. The more cause, since I had been entrapped25 and had entrapped the girl into an undue26 situation, that I should behave in it with scrupulous27 nicety. She depended on me wholly for her bread and shelter; in case I should alarm her delicacy28, she had no retreat. Besides, I was her host and her protector; and the more irregularly I had fallen in these positions, the less excuse for me if I should profit by the same to forward even the most honest suit; for with the opportunities that I enjoyed, and which no wise parent would have suffered for a moment, even the most honest suit would be unfair. I saw I must be extremely hold-off in my relations; and yet not too much so neither; for if I had no right to appear at all in the character of a suitor, I must yet appear continually, and if possible agreeably, [pg 313]in that of host. It was plain I should require a great deal of tact29 and conduct, perhaps more than my years afforded. But I had rushed in where angels might have feared to tread, and there was no way out of that position, save by behaving right while I was in it. I made a set of rules for my guidance; prayed for strength to be enabled to observe them, and as a more human aid to the same end purchased a study book in law. This being all that I could think of, I relaxed from these grave considerations; whereupon my mind bubbled at once into an effervescency of pleasing spirits, and it was like one treading on air that I turned homeward. As I thought that name of home, and recalled the image of that figure awaiting me between four walls, my heart beat upon my bosom.
My troubles began with my return. She ran to greet me with an obvious and affecting pleasure. She was clad, besides, entirely in the new clothes that I had bought for her; looked in them beyond expression well; and must walk about and drop me curtseys to display them and to be admired. I am sure I did it with an ill grace, for I thought to have choked upon the words.
"Well," she said, "if you will not be caring for my pretty clothes, see what I have done with our two chambers." And she showed me the place all very finely swept and the fires glowing in the two chimneys.
[pg 314]I was glad of a chance to seem a little more severe than I quite felt. "Catriona," said I, "I am very much displeased30 with you, and you must never again lay a hand upon my room. One of us two must have the rule while we are here together; it is most fit it should be I who am both the man and the elder; and I give you that for my command."
She dropped me one of her curtseys which were extraordinary taking. "If you will be cross," said she, "I must be making pretty manners at you, Davie. I will be very obedient, as I should be when every stitch upon all there is of me belongs to you. But you will not be very cross either, because now I have not anyone else."
This struck me hard, and I made haste, in a kind of penitence31, to blot32 out all the good effect of my last speech. In this direction, progress was more easy, being down hill; she led me forward, smiling; at the sight of her, in the brightness of the fire and with her pretty becks and looks, my heart was altogether melted. We made our meal with infinite mirth and tenderness; and the two seemed to be commingled33 into one, so that our very laughter sounded like a kindness.
In the midst of which I awoke to better recollections, made a lame34 word of excuse, and set myself boorishly35 to my studies. It was a substantial, instructive book that I had bought, by the late Dr. Heineccius, [pg 315]in which I was to do a great deal of reading these next days, and often very glad that I had no one to question me of what I read. Methought she bit her lip at me a little, and that cut me. Indeed it left her wholly solitary36, the more as she was very little of a reader, and had never a book. But what was I to do?
So the rest of the evening flowed by almost without speech.
I could have beat myself. I could not lie in my bed that night for rage and repentance37, but walked to and fro on my bare feet till I was nearly perished, for the chimney was gone out and the frost keen. The thought of her in the next room, the thought that she might even hear me as I walked, the remembrance of my churlishness and that I must continue to practise the same ungrateful course or be dishonoured38, put me beside my reason. I stood like a man between Scylla and Charybdis: What must she think of me? was my one thought that softened39 me continually into weakness. What is to become of us? the other which steeled me again to resolution. This was my first night of wakefulness and divided counsels, of which I was now to pass many, pacing like a madman, sometimes weeping like a childish boy, sometimes praying (I would fain hope) like a Christian.
But prayer is not very difficult, and the hitch40 comes in practice. In her presence, and above all if I allowed [pg 316]any beginning of familiarity, I found I had very little command of what should follow. But to sit all day in the same room with her, and feign41 to be engaged upon Heineccius, surpassed my strength. So that I fell instead upon the expedient42 of absenting myself so much as I was able; taking out classes and sitting there regularly, often with small attention, the test of which I found the other day in a note-book of that period, where I had left off to follow an edifying43 lecture and actually scribbled44 in my book some very ill verses, though the Latinity is rather better than I thought I could ever have compassed. The evil of this course was unhappily near as great as its advantage. I had the less time of trial, but I believe, while that time lasted, I was tried the more extremely. For she being so much left to solitude45, she came to greet my return with an increasing fervour that came nigh to overmaster me. These friendly offers I must barbarously cast back; and my rejection46 sometimes wounded her so cruelly that I must unbend and seek to make it up to her in kindness. So that our time passed in ups and downs, tiffs47 and disappointments, upon the which I could almost say (if it may be said with reverence) that I was crucified.
The base of my trouble was Catriona's extraordinary innocence, at which I was not so much surprised as filled with pity and admiration. She seemed to have no thought of our position, no sense of my struggles; [pg 317]welcomed any mark of my weakness with responsive joy; and when I was drove again to my retrenchments, did not always dissemble her chagrin49. There were times when I have thought to myself, 'If she were over head in love, and set her cap to catch me, she would scarce behave much otherwise;' and then I would fall again into wonder at the simplicity50 of woman, from whom I felt (in these moments) that I was not worthy51 to be descended52.
There was one point in particular on which our warfare53 turned, and of all things, this was the question of her clothes. My baggage had soon followed me from Rotterdam, and hers from Helvoet. She had now, as it were, two wardrobes; and it grew to be understood between us (I could never tell how) that when she was friendly she would wear my clothes, and when otherwise her own. It was meant for a buffet
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CHAPTER XXIII TRAVELS IN HOLLAND
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CHAPTER XXV THE RETURN OF JAMES MORE
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