ABOUT the middle of the last century, at eight o'clock in the evening, in a large but poor apartment, a man was slumbering² on a rough couch. His rusty³ and worn suit of black was of a piece with his uncarpeted room, the deal table of home manufacture, and its slim unsnuffed candle.  
The man was Triplet, scene painter, actor and writer of sanguinary plays, in which what ought to be, viz., truth, plot, situation and dialogue, were not; and what ought not to be, were—scilicet, small talk, big talk, fops, ruffians, and ghosts.
 
His three mediocrities fell so short of one talent that he was sometimes impransus.
 
He slumbered⁴, but uneasily; the dramatic author was uppermost, and his “Demon of the Hayloft” hung upon the thread of popular favor.
 
On his uneasy slumber¹ entered from the theater Mrs. Triplet.
 
She was a lady who in one respect fell behind her husband; she lacked his variety in ill-doing, but she recovered herself by doing her one thing a shade worse than he did any of his three. She was what is called in grim sport an actress; she had just cast her mite⁵ of discredit⁶ on royalty⁷ by playing the Queen, and had trundled home the moment the breath was out of her royal body. She came in rotatory with fatigue⁸, and fell, gristle, into a chair; she wrenched⁹ from her brow a diadem¹⁰ and eyed it with contempt, took from her pocket a sausage, and contemplated¹¹ it with respect and affection, placed it in a frying-pan on the fire, and entered her bedroom, meaning to don a loose wrapper, and dethrone herself into comfort.
 
But the poor woman was shot walking by Morpheus, and subsided¹² altogether; for dramatic performances, amusing and exciting to youth seated in the pit, convey a certain weariness to those bright beings who sparkle on the stage for bread and cheese.
 
Royalty, disposed of, still left its trail of events. The sausage began to “spit.” The sound was hardly out of its body, when poor Triplet writhed¹³ like a worm on a hook. “Spitter, spittest,” went the sausage. Triplet groaned¹⁴, and at last his inarticulate murmurs¹⁵ became words: “That's right, pit now, that is so reasonable to condemn¹⁶ a poor fellow's play before you have heard it out.” Then, with a change of tone, “Tom,” muttered he, “they are losing their respect for specters; if they do, hunger will make a ghost of me.” Next he fancied the clown or somebody had got into his ghost's costume.
 
“Dear,” said the poor dreamer, “the clown makes a very pretty specter, with his ghastly white face, and his blood-boltered cheeks and nose. I never saw the fun of a clown before, no! no! no! it is not the clown, it is worse, much worse; oh, dear, ugh!” and Triplet rolled off the couch like Richard the Third. He sat a moment on the floor, with a finger in each eye; and then, finding he was neither daubing, ranting¹⁷, nor deluging¹⁸ earth with “acts,” he accused himself of indolence, and sat down to write a small tale of blood and bombast¹⁹; he took his seat at the deal table with some alacrity²⁰, for he had recently made a discovery.
 
How to write well, rien que cela.
 
“First, think in as homely²¹ a way as you can; next, shove your pen under the thought, and lift it by polysyllables to the true level of fiction,” (when done, find a publisher—if you can). “This,” said Triplet, “insures common sense to your ideas, which does pretty well for a basis,” said Triplet, apologetically, “and elegance²² to the dress they wear.” Triplet, then casting his eyes round in search of such actual circumstances as could be incorporated on this plan with fiction, began to work thus:
 
 
        TRIPLET'S FACTS.                  TRIPLET'S FICTION.
 
 A farthing dip is on the table.     A solitary²³ candle cast its pale
                                     gleams around.
 
 It wants snuffing.                  Its elongated²⁴ wick betrayed an owner
                                     steeped in oblivion.
 
 He jumped up, and snuffed it.       He rose languidly, and trimmed it with
                                     his fingers. Burned his with an
                                     instrument that he had by his fingers,
                                     and swore a little. side for that
                                     purpose, and muttered a silent
                                     ejaculation
 
Before, however, the mole²⁵ Triplet could undermine literature and level it with the dust, various interruptions and divisions broke in upon his design, and sic nos servavit Apollo. As he wrote the last sentence, a loud rap came to his door. A servant in livery brought him a note from Mr. Vane, dated Covent Garden. Triplet's eyes sparkled, he bustled²⁶, wormed himself into a less rusty coat, and started off to the Theater Royal, Covent Garden.
 
In those days, the artists of the pen and the brush ferreted patrons, instead of aiming to be indispensable to the public, the only patron worth a single gesture of the quill²⁷.
 
Mr. Vane had conversed²⁸ with Triplet, that is, let Triplet talk to him in a coffee-house, and Triplet, the most sanguine²⁹ of unfortunate men, had already built a series of expectations upon that interview, when this note arrived. Leaving him on his road from Lambeth to Covent Garden, we must introduce more important personages.
 
Mr. Vane was a wealthy gentleman from Shropshire, whom business had called to London four months ago, and now pleasure detained. Business still occupied the letters he sent now and then to his native county; but it had ceased to occupy the writer. He was a man of learning and taste, as times went; and his love of the Arts had taken him some time before our tale to the theaters, then the resort of all who pretended to taste; and it was thus he had become fascinated by Mrs. Woffington, a lady of great beauty, and a comedian³⁰ high in favor with the town.
 
The first night he saw her was an epoch³¹ in the history of this gentleman's mind. He had learning and refinement³², and he had not great practical experience, and such men are most open to impression from the stage. He saw a being, all grace and bright nature, move like a goddess among the stiff puppets of the scene; her glee and her pathos³³ were equally catching³⁴, she held a golden key at which all the doors of the heart flew open. Her face, too, was as full of goodness as intelligence—it was like no other farce³⁵; the heart bounded to meet it.
 
He rented a box at her theater. He was there every night before the curtain drew up; and I'm sorry to say, he at last took half a dislike to Sunday—Sunday “which knits up the raveled sleave of care,” Sunday “tired nature's sweet restorer,” because on Sunday there was no Peg³⁶ Woffington. At first he regarded her as a being of another sphere, an incarnation of poetry and art; but by degrees his secret aspirations³⁷ became bolder. She was a woman; there were men who knew her; some of them inferior to him in position, and, he flattered himself, in mind. He had even heard a tale against her character. To him her face was its confutation, and he knew how loose-tongued is calumny³⁸; but still—!
 
At last, one day he sent her a letter, unsigned. This letter expressed his admiration³⁹ of her talent in warm but respectful terms; the writer told her it had become necessary to his heart to return her in some way his thanks for the land of enchantment⁴⁰ to which she had introduced him. Soon after this, choice flowers found their way to her dressing-room every night, and now and then verses and precious stones mingled⁴¹ with her roses and eglantine. And oh, how he watched the great actress's eye all the night; how he tried to discover whether she looked oftener toward his box than the corresponding box on the other side of the house. Did she notice him, or did she not? What a point gained, if she was conscious of his nightly attendance. She would feel he was a friend, not a mere⁴² auditor⁴³. He was jealous of the pit, on whom Mrs. Woffington lavished⁴⁴ her smiles without measure.
 
At last, one day he sent her a wreath of flowers, and implored⁴⁵ her, if any word he had said to her had pleased or interested her, to wear this wreath that night. After he had done this he trembled; he had courted a decision, when, perhaps, his safety lay in patience and time. She made her entree⁴⁶; he turned cold as she glided⁴⁷ into sight from the prompter's side; he raised his eyes slowly and fearfully from her feet to her head; her head was bare, wreathed only by its own rich glossy⁴⁸ honors. “Fool!” thought he, “to think she would hang frivolities upon that glorious head for me.” Yet his disappointment told him he had really hoped it; he would not have sat out the play but for a leaden incapacity of motion that seized him.
 
The curtain drew up for the fifth act, and!—could he believe his eyes?—Mrs. Woffington stood upon the stage with his wreath upon her graceful⁴⁹ head. She took away his breath. She spoke⁵⁰ the epilogue, and, as the curtain fell, she lifted her eyes, he thought, to his box, and made him a distinct, queen-like courtesy; his heart fluttered to his mouth, and he walked home on wings and tiptoe. In short—
 
Mrs. Woffington, as an actress, justified⁵¹ a portion of this enthusiasm; she was one of the truest artists of her day; a fine lady in her hands was a lady, with the genteel affectation of a gentlewoman, not a harlot's affectation, which is simply and without exaggeration what the stage commonly gives us for a fine lady; an old woman in her hands was a thorough woman, thoroughly⁵² old, not a cackling young person of epicene gender⁵⁴. She played Sir Harry⁵⁵ Wildair like a man, which is how he ought to be played (or, which is better still, not at all), so that Garrick acknowledged her as a male rival, and abandoned the part he no longer monopolized⁵⁶.
 
Now it very, very rarely happens that a woman of her age is high enough in art and knowledge to do these things. In players, vanity cripples art at every step. The young actress who is not a Woffington aims to display herself by means of her part, which is vanity; not to raise her part by sinking herself in it, which is art. It has been my misfortune to see ——, and——, and ——, et ceteras, play the man; Nature, forgive them, if you can, for art never will; they never reached any idea more manly⁵⁷ than a steady resolve to exhibit the points of a woman with greater ferocity than they could in a gown. But consider, ladies, a man is not the meanest of the brute⁵⁸ creation, so how can he be an unwomanly female? This sort of actress aims not to give her author's creation to the public, but to trot⁵⁹ out the person instead of the creation, and shows sots what a calf⁶⁰ it has—and is.
 
Vanity, vanity! all is vanity! Mesdames les Charlatanes.
 
Margaret Woffington was of another mold; she played the ladies of high comedy with grace, distinction, and delicacy⁶¹. But in Sir Harry Wildair she parted with a woman's mincing⁶² foot and tongue, and played the man in a style large, spirited and elance. As Mrs. Day (committee) she painted wrinkles on her lovely face so honestly that she was taken for threescore, and she carried out the design with voice and person, and did a vulgar old woman to the life. She disfigured her own beauties to show the beauty of her art; in a word, she was an artist! It does not follow she was the greatest artist that ever breathed; far from it. Mr. Vane was carried to this notion by passion and ignorance.
 
On the evening of our tale he was at his post patiently sitting out one of those sanguinary discourses⁶³ our rude forefathers⁶⁴ thought were tragic⁶⁵ plays. Sedet aeternumque Sedebit Infelix Theseus, because Mrs. Woffington is to speak the epilogue.
 
These epilogues were curiosities of the human mind; they whom, just to ourselves and them, we call our forbears, had an idea their blood and bombast were not ridiculous enough in themselves, so when the curtain had fallen on the debris⁶⁶ of the dramatis personae, and of common sense, they sent on an actress to turn all the sentiment so laboriously⁶⁷ acquired into a jest.
 
To insist that nothing good or beautiful shall be carried safe from a play out into the street was the bigotry⁶⁸ of English horseplay. Was a Lucretia the heroine of the tragedy, she was careful in the epilogue to speak like Messalina. Did a king's mistress come to hunger and repentance⁶⁹, she disinfected all the petites maitresses in the house of the moral, by assuring them that sin is a joke, repentance a greater, and that she individually was ready for either if they would but cry, laugh and pay. Then the audience used to laugh, and if they did not, lo! the manager, actor and author of heroic tragedy were exceeding sorrowful.
 
While sitting attendance on the epilogue Mr. Vane had nothing to distract him from the congregation but a sanguinary sermon in five heads, so his eyes roved over the pews, and presently he became aware of a familiar face watching him closely. The gentleman to whom it belonged finding himself recognized left his seat, and a minute later Sir Charles Pomander entered Mr. Vane's box.
 
This Sir Charles Pomander was a gentleman of vice⁷⁰; pleasure he called it. Mr. Vane had made his acquaintance two years ago in Shropshire. Sir Charles, who husbanded everything except his soul, had turned himself out to grass for a month. His object was, by roast mutton, bread with some little flour in it, air, water, temperance, chastity and peace, to be enabled to take a deeper plunge⁷¹ into impurities⁷² of food and morals.
 
A few nights ago, unseen by Mr. Vane, he had observed him in the theater; an ordinary man would have gone at once and shaken hands with him, but this was not an ordinary man, this was a diplomatist. First of all, he said to himself: “What is this man doing here?” Then he soon discovered this man must be in love with some actress; then it became his business to know who she was; this, too, soon betrayed itself. Then it became more than ever Sir Charles's business to know whether Mrs. Woffington returned the sentiment; and here his penetration⁷³ was at fault, for the moment; he determined⁷⁴, however, to discover.
 
Mr. Vane then received his friend, all unsuspicious how that friend had been skinning him with his eyes for some time past. After the usual compliments had passed between two gentlemen who had been hand and glove for a month and forgotten each other's existence for two years, Sir Charles, still keeping in view his design, said:
 
“Let us go upon the stage.” The fourth act had just concluded.
 
“Go upon the stage!” said Mr. Vane; “what, where she—I mean among the actors?”
 
“Yes; come into the green-room. There are one or two people of reputation there; I will introduce you to them, if you please.”
 
“Go upon the stage!” why, if it had been proposed to him to go to heaven he would not have been more astonished. He was too astonished at first to realize the full beauty of the arrangement, by means of which he might be within a yard of Mrs. Woffington, might feel her dress rustle⁷⁵ past him, might speak to her, might drink her voice fresh from her lips almost before it mingled with meaner air. Silence gives consent, and Mr. Vane, though he thought a great deal, said nothing; so Pomander rose, and they left the boxes together. He led the way to the stage door, which was opened obsequiously⁷⁶ to him; they then passed through a dismal⁷⁷ passage, and suddenly emerged upon that scene of enchantment, the stage—a dirty platform encumbered⁷⁸ on all sides with piles of scenery in flats. They threaded their way through rusty velvet⁷⁹ actors and fustian⁸⁰ carpenters, and entered the green-room. At the door of this magic chamber⁸¹ Vane trembled and half wished he could retire. They entered; his apprehension⁸² gave way to disappointment, she was not there. Collecting himself, he was presently introduced to a smart, jaunty⁸³, and, to do him justice, distingue old beau. This was Colley Cibber, Esq., poet laureate, and retired⁸⁴ actor and dramatist, a gentleman who is entitled to a word or two.
 
This Cibber was the only actor since Shakespeare's time who had both acted and written well. Pope's personal resentment⁸⁵ misleads the reader of English poetry as to Cibber's real place among the wits of the day.
 
The man's talent was dramatic, not didactic, or epic⁵³, or pastoral. Pope was not so deep in the drama as in other matters, and Cibber was one of its luminaries⁸⁶; he wrote some of the best comedies of his day. He also succeeded where Dryden, for lack of true dramatic taste, failed. He tampered⁸⁷ successfully with Shakespeare. Colley Cibber's version of “Richard the Third” is impudent⁸⁸ and slightly larcenic, but it is marvelously effective. It has stood a century, and probably will stand forever; and the most admired passages in what literary humbugs⁸⁹ who pretend they know Shakespeare by the closet, not the stage, accept as Shakespeare's “Richard,” are Cibber's.
 
Mr. Cibber was now in private life, a mild edition of his own Lord Foppington; he had none of the snob-fop as represented on our conventional stage; nobody ever had, and lived. He was in tolerably good taste; but he went ever gold-laced, highly powdered, scented⁹⁰, and diamonded, dispensing⁹¹ graceful bows, praises of whoever had the good luck to be dead, and satire⁹² of all who were here to enjoy it.
 
Mr. Vane, to whom the drama had now become the golden branch of letters, looked with some awe⁹³ on this veteran, for he had seen many Woffingtons. He fell soon upon the subject nearest his heart. He asked Mr. Cibber what he thought of Mrs. Woffington. The old gentleman thought well of the young lady's talent, especially her comedy; in tragedy, said he, she imitates Mademoiselle Dumenil, of the Theatre Francais, and confounds the stage rhetorician with the actress. The next question was not so fortunate. “Did you ever see so great and true an actress upon the whole?”
 
Mr. Cibber opened his eyes, a slight flush came into his wash-leather face, and he replied: “I have not only seen many equal, many superior to her, but I have seen some half dozen who would have eaten her up and spit her out again, and not known they had done anything out of the way.”
 
Here Pomander soothed⁹⁴ the veteran's dudgeon by explaining in dulcet⁹⁵ tones that his friend was not long from Shropshire, and—The critic interrupted him, and bade him not dilute⁹⁶ the excuse.
 
Now Mr. Vane had as much to say as either of them, but he had not the habit, which dramatic folks have, of carrying his whole bank in his cheek-pocket, so they quenched⁹⁷ him for two minutes.
 
But lovers are not silenced, he soon returned to the attack; he dwelt on the grace, the ease, the freshness, the intelligence, the universal beauty of Mrs. Woffington. Pomander sneered⁹⁹, to draw him out. Cibber smiled, with good-natured superiority. This nettled¹⁰⁰ the young gentleman, he fired up, his handsome countenance¹⁰¹ glowed, he turned Demosthenes for her he loved. One advantage he had over both Cibber and Pomander, a fair stock of classical learning; on this he now drew.
 
“Other actors and actresses,” said he, “are monotonous¹⁰² in voice, monotonous in action, but Mrs. Woffington's delivery has the compass and variety of nature, and her movements are free from the stale uniformity that distinguishes artifice¹⁰³ from art. The others seem to me to have but two dreams of grace, a sort of crawling on stilts¹⁰⁴ is their motion, and an angular stiffness their repose¹⁰⁵.” He then cited the most famous statues of antiquity¹⁰⁶, and quoted situations in plays where, by her fine dramatic instinct, Mrs. Woffington, he said, threw her person into postures¹⁰⁷ similar to these, and of equal beauty; not that she strikes attitudes like the rest, but she melts from one beautiful statue into another; and, if sculptors¹⁰⁸ could gather from her immortal¹⁰⁹ graces, painters, too, might take from her face the beauties that belong of right to passion and thought, and orators¹¹⁰ might revive their withered¹¹¹ art, and learn from those golden lips the music of old Athens, that quelled¹¹² tempestuous¹¹³ mobs, and princes drunk with victory.
 
Much as this was, he was going to say more, ever so much more, but he became conscious of a singular sort of grin upon every face; this grin made him turn rapidly round to look for its cause. It explained itself at once; at his very elbow was a lady, whom his heart recognized, though her back was turned to him. She was dressed in a rich silk gown, pearl white, with flowers and sprigs embroidered¹¹⁴; her beautiful white neck and arms were bare. She was sweeping¹¹⁵ up the room with the epilogue in her hand, learning it off by heart; at the other end of the room she turned, and now she shone full upon him.
 
It certainly was a dazzling creature. She had a head of beautiful form, perched like a bird upon a throat massive yet shapely and smooth as a column of alabaster¹¹⁶, a symmetrical brow, black eyes full of fire and tenderness, a delicious mouth, with a hundred varying expressions, and that marvelous faculty¹¹⁷ of giving beauty alike to love or scorn, a sneer⁹⁸ or a smile. But she had one feature more remarkable¹¹⁸ than all, her eyebrows¹¹⁹—the actor's feature; they were jet black, strongly marked, and in repose were arched like a rainbow; but it was their extraordinary flexibility¹²⁰ which made other faces upon the stage look sleepy beside Margaret Woffington's. In person she was considerably¹²¹ above the middle height, and so finely formed that one could not determine the exact character of her figure. At one time it seemed all stateliness, at another time elegance personified, and flowing voluptuousness¹²² at another. She was Juno, Psyche¹²³, Hebe, by turns, and for aught we know at will.
 
It must be confessed that a sort of halo of personal grandeur¹²⁴ surrounds a great actress. A scene is set; half a dozen nobodies are there lost in it, because they are and seem lumps of nothing. The great artist steps upon that scene, and how she fills it in a moment! Mind and majesty¹²⁵ wait upon her in the air; her person is lost in the greatness of her personal presence; she dilates¹²⁶ with thought, and a stupid giantess looks a dwarf¹²⁷ beside her.
 
No wonder then that Mr. Vane felt overpowered by this torch in a closet. To vary the metaphor¹²⁸, it seemed to him, as she swept up and down, as if the green-room was a shell, and this glorious creature must burst it and be free. Meantime, the others saw a pretty actress studying her business; and Cibber saw a dramatic school-girl learning what he presumed to be a very silly set of words. Sir C. Pomander's eye had been on her the moment she entered, and he watched keenly the effect of Vane's eloquent¹²⁹ eulogy¹³⁰; but apparently¹³¹ the actress was too deep in her epilogue for anything else. She came in, saying, “Mum, mum, mum,” over her task, and she went on doing so. The experienced Mr. Cibber, who had divined Vane in an instant, drew him into a corner, and complimented him on his well-timed eulogy.
 
“You acted that mighty¹³² well, sir,” said he. “Stop my vitals! if I did not think you were in earnest, till I saw the jade¹³³ had slipped in among us. It told, sir—it told.”
 
Up fired Vane. “What do you mean, sir?” said he. “Do you suppose my admiration of that lady is feigned¹³⁴?”
 
“No need to speak so loud, sir,” replied the old gentleman; “she hears you. These hussies have ears like hawks¹³⁵.”
 
He then dispensed¹³⁶ a private wink¹³⁷ and a public bow; with which he strolled away from Mr. Vane, and walked feebly and jauntily¹³⁸ up the room, whistling “Fair Hebe;” fixing his eye upon the past, and somewhat ostentatiously overlooking the existence of the present company.
 
There is no great harm in an old gentleman whistling, but there are two ways of doing it; and as this old beau did it, it seemed not unlike a small cock-a-doodle-doo of general defiance¹³⁹; and the denizens¹⁴⁰ of the green-room, swelled¹⁴¹ now to a considerable number by the addition of all the ladies and gentlemen who had been killed in the fourth act, or whom the buttery-fingered author could not keep in hand until the fall of the curtain, felt it as such; and so they were not sorry when Mrs. Woffington, looking up from her epilogue, cast a glance upon the old beau, waited for him, and walked parallel with him on the other side of the room, giving an absurdly exact imitation of his carriage and deportment. To make this more striking, she pulled out of her pocket, after a mock search, a huge paste ring, gazed on it with a ludicrous affectation of simple wonder, stuck it, like Cibber's diamond, on her little finger, and, pursing up her mouth, proceeded to whistle a quick movement,
 
     “Which, by some devilish cantrip sleight,”
 
played round the old beau's slow movement, without being at variance¹⁴² with it. As for the character of this ladylike performance, it was clear, brilliant, and loud as blacksmith.
 
The folk laughed; Vane was shocked. “She profanes¹⁴³ herself by whistling,” thought he. Mr. Cibber was confounded. He appeared to have no idea whence came this sparkling adagio¹⁴⁴. He looked round, placed his hands to his ears, and left off whistling. So did his musical accomplice¹⁴⁵.
 
“Gentlemen,” said Cibber, with pathetic gravity, “the wind howls most dismally¹⁴⁶ this evening! I took it for a drunken shoemaker!”
 
At this there was a roar of laughter, except from Mr. Vane. Peg Woffington laughed as merrily as the others, and showed a set of teeth that were really dazzling; but all in one moment, without the preliminaries an ordinary countenance requires, this laughing Venus pulled a face gloomy beyond conception. Down came her black brows straight as a line, and she cast a look of bitter reproach on all present; resuming her study, as who should say, “Are ye not ashamed to divert a poor girl from her epilogue?” And then she went on, “Mum! mum! mum!” casting off ever and anon resentful glances; and this made the fools laugh again.
 
The Laureate was now respectfully addressed by one of his admirers, James Quin, the Falstaff of the day, and the rival at this time of Garrick in tragic characters, though the general opinion was, that he could not long maintain a standing¹⁴⁷ against the younger genius and his rising school of art.
 
Off the stage, James Quin was a character; his eccentricities¹⁴⁸ were three—a humorist, a glutton¹⁴⁹ and an honest man; traits that often caused astonishment¹⁵⁰ and ridicule¹⁵¹, especially the last.
 
“May we not hope for something from Mr. Cibber's pen after so long a silence?”
 
“No,” was the considerate reply. “Who have ye got to play it?”
 
“Plenty,” said Quin; “there's your humble¹⁵² servant, there's—”
 
“Humility at the head of the list,” cried she of the epilogue. “Mum! mum! mum!”
 
Vane thought this so sharp.
 
“Garrick, Barry, Macklin, Kitty Clive here at my side, Mrs. Cibber, the best tragic actress I ever saw; and Woffington, who is as good a comedian as you ever saw, sir;” and Quin turned as red as fire.
 
“Keep your temper, Jemmy,” said Mrs. Woffington with a severe accent. “Mum! mum! mum!”
 
“You misunderstand my question,” replied Cibber, calmly; “I know your dramatis personae but where the devil are your actors?”
 
Here was a blow.
 
“The public,” said Quin, in some agitation¹⁵³, “would snore if we acted as they did in your time.”
 
“How do you know that, sir?” was the supercilious¹⁵⁴ rejoinder; “you never tried!”
 
Mr. Quin was silenced. Peg Woffington looked off her epilogue.
 
“Bad as we are,” said she coolly, “we might be worse.”
 
Mr. Cibber turned round, slightly raised his eyebrows.
 
“Indeed!” said he. “Madam!” added he, with a courteous¹⁵⁵ smile, “will you be kind enough to explain to me how you could be worse!”
 
“If, like a crab¹⁵⁶, we could go backward!”
 
At this the auditors¹⁵⁷ tittered; and Mr. Cibber had recourse to his spy-glass.
 
This gentleman was satirical or insolent¹⁵⁸, as the case might demand, in three degrees, of which the snuff-box was the comparative, and the spy-glass the superlative. He had learned this on the stage; in annihilating¹⁵⁹ Quin he had just used the snuff weapon, and now he drew his spy-glass upon poor Peggy.
 
“Whom have we here?” said he. Then he looked with his spy-glass to see. “Oh, the little Irish orange-girl!”
 
“Whose basket outweighed¹⁶⁰ Colley Cibber's salary for the first twenty years of his dramatic career,” was the delicate reply to the above delicate remark. It staggered him for a moment; however, he affected¹⁶¹ a most puzzled air, then gradually allowed a light to steal into his features.
 
“Eh! ah! oh! how stupid I am; I understand; you sold something besides oranges!”
 
“Oh!” said Mr. Vane, and colored up to the temples, and cast a look on Cibber, as much as to say, “If you were not seventy-three!”
 
His ejaculation was something so different from any tone any other person there present could have uttered that the actress's eye dwelt on him for a single moment, and in that moment he felt himself looked through and through.
 
“I sold the young fops a bargain, you mean,” was her calm reply; “and now I am come down to the old ones. A truce¹⁶², Mr. Cibber, what do you understand by an actor? Tell me; for I am foolish enough to respect your opinion on these matters!”
 
“An actor, young lady,” said he, gravely, “is an artist who has gone deep enough in his art to make dunces, critics and greenhorns take it for nature; moreover, he really personates; which your mere man of the stage never does. He has learned the true art of self-multiplication. He drops Betterton, Booth, Wilkes, or, ahem—”
 
“Cibber,” inserted Sir Charles Pomander. Cibber bowed.
 
“In his dressing-room, and comes out young or old, a fop, a valet, a lover, or a hero, with voice, mien¹⁶³, and every gesture to match. A grain less than this may be good speaking, fine preaching, deep grunting¹⁶⁴, high ranting, eloquent reciting; but I'll be hanged if it is acting¹⁶⁵!”
 
“Then Colley Cibber never acted,” whispered Quin to Mrs. Clive.
 
“Then Margaret Woffington is an actress,” said M. W.; “the fine ladies take my Lady Betty for their sister. In Mrs. Day, I pass for a woman of seventy; and in Sir Harry Wildair I have been taken for a man. I would have told you that before, but I didn't know it was to my credit,” said she, slyly, “till Mr. Cibber laid down the law.”
 
“Proof!” said Cibber.
 
“A warm letter from one lady, diamond buckles¹⁶⁶ from another, and an offer of her hand and fortune from a third; rien que cela.”
 
Mr. Cibber conveyed behind her back a look of absolute incredulity; she divined it.
 
“I will not show you the letters,” continued she, “because Sir Harry, though a rake, was a gentleman; but here are the buckles;” and she fished them out of her pocket, capacious of such things. The buckles were gravely inspected, they made more than one eye water, they were undeniable.
 
“Well, let us see what we can do for her,” said the Laureate. He tapped his box and without a moment's hesitation¹⁶⁷ produced the most execrable distich in the language:
 
     “Now who is like Peggy, with talent at will,
     A maid loved her Harry, for want of a Bill?
“Well, child,” continued he, after the applause which follows extemporary verses had subsided, “take me in. Play something to make me lose sight of saucy¹⁶⁸ Peg Woffington, and I'll give the world five acts more before the curtain falls on Colley Cibber.”
 
“If you could be deceived,” put in Mr. Vane, somewhat timidly; “I think there is no disguise through which grace and beauty such as Mrs. Woffington's would not shine, to my eyes.”
 
“That is to praise my person at the expense of my wit, sir, is it not?” was her reply.
 
This was the first word she had ever addressed to him. The tones appeared so sweet to him that he could not find anything to reply for listening to them; and Cibber resumed:
 
“Meantime, I will show you a real actress; she is coming here to-night to meet me. Did ever you children hear of Ann Bracegirdle?”
 
“Bracegirdle!” said Mrs. Clive; “why, she has been dead this thirty years; at least I thought so.”
 
“Dead to the stage. There is more heat in her ashes than in your fire, Kate Clive! Ah! here comes her messenger,” continued he, as an ancient man appeared with a letter in his hand. This letter Mrs. Woffington snatched and read, and at the same instant in bounced the call-boy. “Epilogue called,” said this urchin¹⁶⁹, in the tone of command which these small fry of Parnassus adopt; and, obedient to his high behest, Mrs. Woffington moved to the door, with the Bracegirdle missive in her hand, but not before she had delivered its general contents: “The great actress will be here in a few minutes,” said she, and she glided swiftly out of the room.