“Excuse me, your Majesty,” remarked Helen of Troy as Cleopatra accorded permission to Captain Kidd to speak, “I have not been introduced to this gentleman nor has he been presented to me, and I really cannot consent to any proceeding¹ so irregular as this. I do not speak to gentlemen I have not met, nor do I permit them to address me.”  
“Hear, hear!” cried Xanthippe. “I quite agree with the principle of my young friend from Troy. It may be that when we claimed for ourselves all the rights of men that the right to speak and be spoken to by other men without an introduction was included in the list, but I for one have no desire to avail myself of the privilege, especially when it’s a horrid-looking man like this.”
 
Kidd bowed politely, and smiled so terribly that several of the ladies fainted.
 
“I will withdraw,” he said, turning to Cleopatra; and it must be said that his suggestion was prompted by his heartfelt wish, for now that he found himself thus conspicuously² brought before so many women, with falsehood on his lips, his courage began to ooze⁴.
 
“Not yet, please,” answered the chair-lady. “I imagine we can get about this difficulty without much trouble.”
 
“I think it a perfectly⁵ proper objection too,” observed Delilah, rising. “If we ever needed etiquette⁶ we need it now. But I have a plan which will obviate⁷ any further difficulty. If there is no one among us who is sufficiently⁸ well acquainted with the gentleman to present him formally to us, I will for the time being take upon myself the office of ship’s barber and cut his hair. I understand that it is quite the proper thing for barbers to talk, while cutting their hair, to persons to whom they have not been introduced. And, besides, he really needs a hair-cut badly. Thus I shall establish an acquaintance with the captain, after which I can with propriety⁹ introduce him to the rest of you.”
 
“Perhaps the gentleman himself might object to that,” put in Queen Elizabeth. “If I remember rightly, your last customer was very much dissatisfied with the trim you gave him.”
 
“It will be unnecessary to do what Delilah proposes,” said Mrs. Noah, with a kindly¹⁰ smile, as she rose up from the corner in which she had been sitting, an interested listener. “I can introduce the gentleman to you all with perfect propriety. He’s a member of my family. His grandfather was the great-grandson a thousand and eight times removed of my son Shem’s great-grandnephew on his father’s side. His relationship to me is therefore obvious, though from what I know of his reputation I think he takes more after my husband’s ancestors than my own. Willie, dear, these ladies are friends of mine. Ladies, this young man is one of my most famous descendants. He has been a man of many adventures, and he has been hanged once, which, far from making him undesirable¹¹ as an acquaintance, has served merely to render him harmless, and therefore a safe person to know. Now, my son, go ahead and speak your piece.”
 
The good old spirit sat down, and the scruples¹² of the objectors having thus been satisfied, Captain Kidd began.
 
“Now that I know you all,” he remarked, as pleasantly as he could under the circumstances, “I feel that I can speak more freely, and certainly with a great deal less embarrassment¹³ than if I were addressing a gathering¹⁴ of entire strangers. I am not much of a hand at speaking, and have always felt somewhat nonplussed¹⁵ at finding myself in a position of this nature. In my whole career I never experienced but one irresistible¹⁶ impulse to make a public address of any length, and that was upon that unhappy occasion to which the greatest and grandest of my great-grandmothers has alluded¹⁷, and that only as the chain by which I was suspended in mid-air tightened¹⁸ about my vocal¹⁹ chords. At that moment I could have talked impromptu²⁰ for a year, so fast and numerously did thoughts of the uttermost import surge upward into my brain; but circumstances over which I had no control prevented the utterance²¹ of those thoughts, and that speech is therefore lost to the world.”
 
“He has the gift of continuity,” observed Madame Récamier.
 
“Ought to be in the United States Senate,” smiled Elizabeth.
 
“I wish I could make up my mind as to whether he is outrageously²² handsome or desperately²³ ugly,” remarked Helen of Troy. “He fascinates me, but whether it is the fascination²⁴ of liking²⁵ or of horror I can’t tell, and it’s quite important.”
 
“Ladies,” resumed the captain, his uneasiness increasing as he came to the point, “I am but the agent of your respective husbands, fiancés, and other masculine guardians²⁶. The gentlemen who were previously²⁷ the tenants²⁸ of this club-house have delegated to me the important, and I may add highly agreeable, task of showing you the world. They have noted²⁹ of late years the growth of that feeling of unrest which is becoming every day more and more conspicuous³ in feminine circles in all parts of the universe—on the earth, where women are clamoring to vote, and to be allowed to go out late at night without an escort; in Hades, where, as you are no doubt aware, the management of the government has fallen almost wholly into the hands of the Furies; and even in the halls of Jupiter himself, where, I am credibly³⁰ informed, Juno has been taking private lessons in the art of hurling³¹ thunderbolts—information which the extraordinary quality of recent electrical storms on the earth would seem to confirm. Thunderbolts of late years have been cast hither and yon in a most erratic³² fashion, striking where they were least expected, as those of you who keep in touch with the outer world must be fully³³ aware. Now, actuated by their usual broad and liberal motives³⁴, the men of Hades wish to meet the views of you ladies to just that extent that your views are based upon a wise selection, in turn based upon experience, and they have come to me and in so many words have said, ‘Mr. Kidd, we wish the women of Hades to see the world. We want them to be satisfied. We do not like this constantly increasing spirit of unrest. We, who have seen all the life that we care to see, do not ourselves feel equal to the task of showing them about. We will pay you liberally if you will take our House-boat, which they have always been anxious to enter, and personally conduct our beloved ones to Paris, London, and elsewhere. Let them see as much of life as they can stand. Accord them every privilege. Spare no expense; only bring them back again to us safe and sound.’ These were their words, ladies. I asked them why they didn’t come along themselves, saying that even if they were tired of it all, they should make some personal sacrifice to your comfort; and they answered, reasonably and well, that they would be only too glad to do so, but that they feared they might unconsciously seem to exert a repressing influence upon you. ‘We want them to feel absolutely free, Captain Kidd,’ said they, ‘and if we are along they may not feel so.’ The answer was convincing, ladies, and I accepted the commission.”
 
“But we knew nothing of all this,” interposed Elizabeth. “The subject was not broached³⁵ to us by our husbands, brothers, fiancés, or fathers. My brother, Sir Walter Raleigh—”
 
Cleopatra chuckled³⁶. “Brother! Brother’s good,” she said.
 
“Well, that’s what he is,” retorted Elizabeth, quickly. “I promised to be a sister to him, and I’m going to keep my word. That’s the kind of a queen I am. I was about to remark,” Elizabeth added, turning to the captain, “that my brother, Sir Walter Raleigh, never even hinted at any such plan, and usually he asked my advice in matters of so great importance.”
 
“That is easily accounted for, madame,” retorted Kidd. “Sir Walter intended this as a little surprise for you, that is all. The arrangements were all placed in his hands, and it was he who bound us all to secrecy³⁷. None of the ladies were to be informed of it.”
 
“It does not sound altogether plausible,” interposed Portia. “If you ladies do not object, I should like to cross-examine this—ah—gentleman.”
 
Kidd paled visibly. He was not prepared for any such trial; however, he put as good a face on the matter as he could, and announced his willingness to answer any questions that he might be asked.
&............