Arms and men I sing: douce Jeemsy Todd, rushing from his loom¹, armed with a bed-post; Lisbeth Whamond, an avenging² whirlwind: Neil Haggart, pausing in his thank-offerings to smite³ and slay⁴; the impious foe⁵ scudding⁶ up the bleeding Brae-head with Nemesis⁷ at their flashing heels; the minister holding it a nice question whether the carnage was not justified⁸. Then came the two hours' sermons of the following Sabbath, when Mr. Dishart, revolving⁹ like a teetotum in the pulpit, damned every bandaged person present, individually and collectively; and Lang Tammas in the precentor's box with a plaster on his cheek, included any one the minister might have by chance omitted, and the congregation, with most of their eyes bunged up, burst into psalms¹⁰ of praise.  
Twice a year the Auld¹¹ Lichts went demented. The occasion was the fast-day at Tilliedrum; when its inhabitants, instead of crowding reverently¹² to the kirk, swooped¹³ profanely¹⁴ down in their scores and tens of scores on our God-fearing town, intent on making a day of it. Then did the weavers¹⁵ rise as one man, and go forth¹⁶ to show the ribald crew the errors of their way. All denominations¹⁷ were represented, but Auld Lichts led. An Auld Licht would have taken no man's blood without the conviction that he would be the better morally for the bleeding; and if Tammas Lunan's case gave an impetus¹⁸ to the blows, it can only have been because it opened wider Auld Licht eyes to Tilliedrum's desperate condition. Mr. Dishart's predecessor¹⁹ more than once remarked that at the Creation the devil put forward a claim for Thrums, but said he would take his chance of Tilliedrum; and the statement was generally understood to be made on the authority of the original Hebrew.
 
The mustard-seed of a feud²⁰ between the two parishes shot into a tall tree in a single night, when Davit Lunan's father went to a tattie roup at Tilliedrum and thoughtlessly died there. Twenty-four hours afterward²¹ a small party of staid Auld Lichts, carrying long white poles, stepped out of various wynds and closes and picked their solemn way to the house of mourning. Nanny Low, the widow, received them dejectedly, as one oppressed by the knowledge that her man's death at such an inopportune place did not fulfil the promise of his youth; and her guests admitted bluntly that they were disappointed in Tammas. Snecky Hobart's father's unusually long and impressive prayer was an official intimation that the deceased, in the opinion of the session, sorely needed everything of the kind he could get; and then the silent driblet of Auld Lichts in black stalked off in the direction of Tilliedrum. Women left their spinning-wheels and pirns to follow them with their eyes along the Tenements²³, and the minister was known to be holding an extra service at the manse. When the little procession reached the boundary-line between the two parishes, they sat down on a dyke²⁴ and waited.
 
By-and-bye half a dozen men drew near from the opposite direction, bearing on poles the remains²⁵ of Tammas Lunan in a closed coffin²⁶. The coffin was brought to within thirty yards of those who awaited it, and then roughly lowered to the ground. Its bearers rested morosely²⁷ on their poles. In conveying Lunan's remains to the borders of his own parish they were only conforming to custom; but Thrums and Tilliedrum differed as to where the boundary-line was drawn²⁸, and not a foot would either advance into the other's territory.
 
For half a day the coffin lay unclaimed, and the two parties sat scowling²⁹ at each other. Neither dared move. Gloaming had stolen into the valley when Dite Deuchars, of Tilliedrum, rose to his feet and deliberately³⁰ spat³¹ upon the coffin. A stone whizzed through the air; and then the ugly spectacle was presented, in the gray night, of a dozen mutes fighting with their poles over a coffin. There was blood on the shoulders that bore Tammas' remains to Thrums.
 
After that meeting Tilliedrum lived for the fast-day. Never, perhaps, was there a community more given up to sin, and Thrums felt “called” to its chastisement³². The insult to Lunan's coffin, however, dispirited their weavers for a time, and not until the suicide of Pitlums did they put much fervor³³ into their prayers. It made new men of them. Tilliedrum's sins had found it out. Pitlums was a farmer in the parish of Thrums, but he had been born at Tilliedrum; and Thrums thanked Providence³⁴ for that, when it saw him suspended between two hams from his kitchen rafters. The custom was to cart suicides to the quarry³⁵ at the Galla pond and bury them near the cairn that had supported the gallows³⁶; but on this occasion not a farmer in the parish would lend a cart, and for a week the corpse³⁷ lay on the sanded floor as it had been cut down—an object of awestruck interest to boys who knew no better than to peep through the darkened window. Tilliedrum bit its lips at home. The Auld Licht minister, it was said, had been approached on the subject; but, after serious consideration, did not see his way to offering up a prayer. Finally old Hobart and two others tied a rope round the body, and dragged it from the farm to the cairn, a distance of four miles. Instead of this incident's humbling³⁸ Tilliedrum into attending church, the next fast-day saw its streets deserted³⁹. As for the Thrums Auld Lichts, only heavy wobs prevented their walking erect⁴⁰ like men who had done their duty. If no prayer was volunteered for Pitlums before his burial, there was a great deal of psalm-singing after it.
 
By early morn on their fast-day the Tilliedrummers were straggling into Thrums, and the weavers, already at their looms⁴¹, read the clattering⁴³ of feet and carts aright. To convince themselves, all they had to do was to raise their eyes; but the first triumph would have been to Tilliedrum if they had done that. The invaders⁴⁴—the men in Aberdeen blue serge coats, velvet⁴⁵ knee-breeches, and broad blue bonnets⁴⁷, and the wincey gowns of the women set off with hooded⁴⁸ cloaks of red or tartan—tapped at the windows and shouted insultingly as they passed; but, with pursed lips, Thrums bent⁴⁹ fiercely over its wobs, and not an Auld Licht showed outside his door. The day wore on to noon, and still ribaldry was master of the wynds. But there was a change inside the houses. The minister had pulled down his blinds; moody⁵⁰ men had left their looms for stools by the fire; there were rumors⁵¹ of a conflict in Andra Gowrie's close, from which Kitty McQueen had emerged with her short gown in rags; and Lang Tammas was going from door to door. The austere⁵² precentor admonished⁵³ fiery⁵⁴ youth to beware of giving way to passion; and it was a proud day for the Auld Lichts to find their leading elder so conversant⁵⁵ with apt Scripture⁵⁶ texts. They bowed their heads reverently while he thundered forth that those who lived by the sword would perish by the sword; and when he had finished they took him ben to inspect their bludgeons. I have a vivid recollection of going the round of the Auld Licht and other houses to see the sticks and the wrists in coils of wire.
 
A stranger in the Tenements in the afternoon would have noted⁵⁷ more than one draggled youth in holiday attire⁵⁸, sitting on a doorstep with a wet cloth to his nose; and, passing down the commonty, he would have had to step over prostrate⁵⁹ lumps of humanity from which all shape had departed. Gavin Ogilvy limped heavily after his encounter with Thrummy Tosh—a struggle that was looked forward to eagerly as a bi-yearly event; Christy Davie's development of muscle had not prevented her going down before the terrible onslaught of Joe the miller⁶⁰, and Lang Tammas' plasters told a tale. It was in the square that the two parties, leading their maimed and blind, formed in force; Tilliedrum thirsting for its opponents' blood, and Thrums humbly⁶¹ accepting the responsibility of punching the fast-day breakers into the ways of rectitude. In the small, ill-kept square the invaders, to the number of about a hundred, were wedged together at its upper end, while the Thrums people formed in a thick line at the foot. For its inhabitants the way to Tilliedrum lay through this threatening mass of armed weavers. No words were bandied between the two forces; the centre of the square was left open, and nearly every eye was fixed⁶² on the town-house clock. It directed operations and gave the signal to charge. The moment six o'clock struck, the upper mass broke its bonds and flung itself on the living barricade⁶³. There was a clatter⁴² of heads and sticks, a yelling and a groaning⁶⁴, and then the invaders, bursting through the opposing ranks, fled for Tilliedrum. Down the Tanage brae and up the Brae-head they skurried, half a hundred avenging spirits in pursuit. On the Tilliedrum fast-day I have tasted blood myself. In the godless place there is no Auld Licht kirk, but there are two Auld Lichts in it now who walk to Thrums to church every Sabbath, blow or rain as it lists. They are making their influence felt in Tilliedrum.
 
The Auld Lichts also did valorous deeds at the Battle of Cabbylatch. The farm land so named lies a mile or more to the south of Thrums. You have to go over the rim⁶⁵ of the cut to reach it. It is low-lying and uninteresting to the eye, except for some giant stones scattered⁶⁶ cold and naked through the fields. No human hands reared these bowlders, but they might be looked upon as tombstones to the heroes who fell (to rise hurriedly) on the plain of Cabbylatch.
 
The fight of Cabbylatch belongs to the days of what are now but dimly remembered as the Meal Mobs. Then there was a wild cry all over the country for bread (not the fine loaves that we know, but something very much coarser), and hungry men and women, prematurely⁶⁷ shrunken, began to forget the taste of meal. Potatoes were their chief sustenance⁶⁸, and, when the crop failed, starvation gripped them. At that time the farmers, having control of the meal, had the small towns at their mercy, and they increased its cost. The price of the meal went up and up, until the famishing people swarmed⁶⁹ up the sides of the carts in which it was conveyed to the towns, and, tearing open the sacks, devoured⁷⁰ it in handfuls. In Thrums they had a stern sense of justice, and for a time, after taking possession of the meal, they carried it to the square and sold it at what they considered a reasonable price. The money was handed over to the farmers. The honesty of this is worth thinking about, but it seems to have only incensed⁷¹ the farmers the more; and when they saw that to send their meal to the town was not to get high prices for it, they laid their heads together and then gave notice that the people who wanted meal and were able to pay for it must come to the farms. In Thrums no one who cared to live on porridge and bannocks had money to satisfy the farmers; but, on the other hand, none of them grudged⁷² going for it, and go they did. They went in numbers from farm to farm, like bands of hungry rats, and throttled⁷³ the opposition⁷⁴ they not infrequently encountered. The raging farmers at last met in council, and, noting that they were lusty men and brave, resolved to march in armed force upon the erring⁷⁵ people and burn their town. Now we come to the Battle of Cabbylatch.
 
The farmers were not less than eighty strong, and chiefly consisted of cavalry⁷⁶. Armed with pitchforks and cumbrous scythes⁷⁷ where they were not able to lay their hands on the more orthodox weapons of war, they presented a determined⁷⁸ appearance; the few foot-soldiers who had no cart-horses at their disposal bearing in their arms bundles of firewood. One memorable⁷⁹ morning they set out to avenge⁸⁰ their losses; and by and by a halt was called, when each man bowed his head to listen. In Thrums, pipe and drum were calling the inhabitants to arms. Scouts⁸¹ rushed in with the news that the farmers were advancing rapidly upon the town, and soon the streets were clattering with feet. At that time Thrums had its piper and drummer (the bellman of a later and more degenerate⁸² age); and on this occasion they marched together through the narrow wynds, firing the blood of haggard men and summoning them to the square. According to my informant's father, the gathering⁸³ of these angry and startled weavers, when he thrust his blue bonnet⁴⁶ on his head and rushed out to join them, was an impressive and solemn spectacle. That bloodshed was meant there can be no doubt; for starving men do not see the ludicrous side of things. The difference between the farmers and the town had resolved itself into an ugly and sullen⁸⁴ hate, and the wealthier townsmen who would have come between the people and the bread were fiercely pushed aside. There was no nominal⁸⁵ leader, but every man in the ranks meant to fight for himself and his belongings⁸⁶; and they are said to have sallied out to meet the foe in no disorder⁸⁷. The women they would fain have left behind them; but these had their own injuries to redress⁸⁸, and they followed in their husbands' wake carrying bags of stones. The men, who were of various denominations, were armed with sticks, blunderbusses, anything they could snatch up at a moment's notice; and some of them were not unacquainted with fighting. Dire²² silence prevailed among the men, but the women shouted as they ran, and the curious army moved forward to the drone and squall of drum and pipe. The enemy was sighted on the level land of Cabbylatch, and here, while the intending combatants glared at each other, a well-known local magnate galloped⁸⁹ his horse between them and ordered them in the name of the king to return to their homes. But for the farmers that meant further depredation⁹⁰ at the people's hands, and the townsmen would not go back to their gloomy homes to sit down and wait for sunshine. Soon stones (the first, it is said, cast by a woman) darkened the air. The farmers got the word to charge, but their horses, with the best intentions, did not know the way. There was a stampeding in different directions, a blind rushing of one frightened steed against another; and then the townspeople, breaking any ranks they had hitherto managed to keep, rushed vindictively⁹¹ forward. The struggle at Cabbylatch itself was not of long duration; for their own horses proved the farmers' worst enemies, except in the cases where these sagacious animals took matters into their own ordering and bolted judiciously⁹² for their stables. The day was to Thrums.
 
Individual deeds of prowess were done that day. Of these not the least fondly remembered by her descendants were those of the gallant⁹³ matron who pursued the most obnoxious⁹⁴ farmer in the district even to his very porch with heavy stones and opprobrious⁹⁵ epithets⁹⁶. Once when he thought he had left her far behind did he alight to draw breath and take a pinch of snuff, and she was upon him like a flail⁹⁷. With a terror stricken cry he leaped once more upon his horse and fled, but not without leaving his snuff-box in the hands of the derisive⁹⁸ enemy. Meggy has long gone to the kirk-yard, but the snuff-mull is still preserved.
 
Some ugly cuts were given and received, and heads as well as ribs⁹⁹ were broken; but the townsmen's triumph was short-lived. The ringleaders were whipped through the streets of Perth, as a warning to persons thinking of taking the law into their own hands; and all the lasting¹⁰⁰ consolation¹⁰¹ they got was that, some time afterward, the chief witness against them, the parish minister, met with a mysterious death. They said it was evidently the hand of God; but some people looked suspiciously at them when they said it.