CHAPTER 13In Shirley's nature prevailed at times an easy indolence. There were periods when she took delight in perfect of hand and eye—moments when her thoughts, her simple existence, the fact of the world being around and heaven above her, seemed to yield her such fullness of happiness that she did not need to lift a finger to increase the joy. Often, after an active morning, she would spend a sunny afternoon in lying stirless on the turf, at the foot of some tree of friendly . No society did she need but that of Caroline, and it sufficed if she were within call; no spectacle did she ask but that of the deep blue sky, and such cloudlets as sailed afar and aloft across its span; no sound but that of the bee's hum, the leaf's whisper. Her sole book in such hours was the dim chronicle of memory or the sibyl page of . From her young eyes fell on each volume a glorious light to read by; round her lips at moments played a smile which revealed glimpses of the tale or prophecy. It was not sad, not dark. Fate had been to the blissful dreamer, and promised to favour her yet again. In her past were sweet passages, in her future hopes.  
Yet one day when Caroline drew near to rouse her, thinking she had lain long enough, , as she looked down, Shirley's cheek was wet as if with dew; those fine eyes of hers shone humid and brimming.
 
"Shirley, why do you cry?" asked Caroline, involuntarily laying stress on you.
 
Miss Keeldar smiled, and turned her head towards the questioner. "Because it pleases me to cry," she said. "My heart is both sad and glad. But why, you good, patient child—why do you not bear me company? I only weep tears, and soon wiped away; you might weep , if you choose."
 
"Why should I weep gall?"
 
202"Mateless, bird!" was the only answer.
 
"And are not you too mateless, Shirley?"
 
"At heart—no."
 
"Oh! who nestles there, Shirley?"
 
But Shirley only laughed at this question, and alertly started up.
 
"I have dreamed," she said, "a day-dream—certainly bright, probably baseless!"
 
Miss Helstone was by this time free enough from illusions: she took a grave view of the future, and fancied she knew pretty well how her own destiny and that of some others were tending. Yet old associations retained their influence over her, and it was these and the power of habit which still frequently drew her of an evening to the field-style and the old thorn overlooking the Hollow.
 
One night, the night after the incident of the note, she had been at her usual post, watching for her beacon—watching vainly: that evening no lamp was lit. She waited till the rising of certain warned her of lateness and signed her away. In passing Fieldhead, on her return, its moonlight beauty attracted her glance, and stayed her step an instant. Tree and hall rose peaceful under the night sky and clear full ; pearly paleness the building; brown gloom it round; shadows of deep green brooded above its oak-wreathed roof. The broad pavement in front shone pale also; it gleamed as if some spell had transformed the dark to glistering Parian. On the silvery space slept two shadows, thrown sharply defined from two human figures. These figures when first seen were motionless and mute; presently they moved in step, and low in harmonious key. Earnest was the gaze that them as they emerged from behind the trunk of the . "Is it Mrs. Pryor and Shirley?"
 
Certainly it is Shirley. Who else has a shape so , and proud, and ? And her face, too, is visible—her careless and , and and mirthful, and mocking and tender. Not fearing the dew, she has not covered her head; her curls are free—they veil her neck and her shoulder with their tendril rings. An of gold gleams through the half-closed folds of the scarf she has wrapped across her , and a203 large bright glitters on the white hand which confines it. Yes, that is Shirley.
 
Her companion then is, of course, Mrs. Pryor?
 
Yes, if Mrs. Pryor owns six feet of , and if she has changed her decent widow's weeds for masculine disguise. The figure walking at Miss Keeldar's side is a man—a tall, young, stately man; it is her , Robert Moore.
 
The pair speak softly; their words are not distinguishable. To remain a moment to gaze is not to be an ; and as the moon shines so clearly and their are so distinctly apparent, who can resist the attraction of such interest? Caroline, it seems, cannot, for she lingers.
 
There was a time when, on summer nights, Moore had been to walk with his cousin, as he was now walking with the heiress. Often had she gone up the Hollow with him after sunset, to the freshness of the earth, where a growth of herbage carpeted a certain narrow terrace, edging a deep ravine, from whose rifted gloom was heard a sound like the spirit of the lonely watercourse, moaning amongst its wet stones, and between its weedy banks, and under its dark of .
 
"But I used to be closer to him," thought Caroline. "He felt no obligation to treat me with ; I needed only kindness. He used to hold my hand; he does not touch hers. And yet Shirley is not proud where she loves. There is no in her aspect now, only a little in her port—what is natural to and inseparable from her, what she retains in her most careless as in her most guarded moments. Robert must think, as I think, that he is at this instant looking down on a fine face; and he must think it with a man's brain, not with mine. She has such generous yet soft fire in her eyes. She smiles—what makes her smile so sweet? I saw that Robert felt its beauty, and he must have felt it with his man's heart, not with my dim woman's perceptions. They look to me like two great happy spirits. Yonder silvered pavement reminds me of that white shore we believe to be beyond the death-flood. They have reached it; they walk there united. And what am I, here in shadow, shrinking into , my mind darker than my hiding-place? I am one of this world, no spirit—a poor mortal, who asks, in ignorance and hopelessness, wherefore she was born, to what end she lives; whose mind for ever runs on the question,204 how she shall at last encounter, and by whom be sustained through death.
 
"This is the worst passage I have come to yet; still I was quite prepared for it. I gave Robert up, and gave him up to Shirley, the first day I heard she was come, the first moment I saw her—rich, youthful, and lovely. She has him now. He is her lover. She is his darling. She will be far more his darling yet when they are married. The more Robert knows of Shirley the more his soul will to her. They will both be happy, and I do not them their ; but I under my own . Some of my suffering is very acute. Truly I ought not to have been born; they should have me at the first cry."
 
Here, Shirley stepping aside to gather a dewy flower, she and her companion turned into a path that lay nearer the gate. Some of their conversation became audible. Caroline would not stay to listen. She passed away noiselessly, and the moonlight kissed the wall which her shadow had dimmed. The reader is privileged to remain, and try what he can make of the .
 
"I cannot conceive why nature did not give you a bulldog's head, for you have all a bulldog's tenacity," said Shirley.
 
"Not a flattering idea. Am I so ?"
 
"And something also you have of the same animal's silent ways of going about its work. You give no warning; you come noiselessly behind, seize fast, and hold on."
 
"This is guess-work. You have witnessed no such on my part. In your presence I have been no bulldog."
 
"Your very silence indicates your race. How little you talk in general, yet how deeply you scheme! You are far-seeing; you are calculating."
 
"I know the ways of these people. I have gathered information of their intentions. My note last night informed you that Barraclough's trial had ended in his conviction and sentence to transportation. His associates will plot . I shall lay my plans so as to or at least be prepared for theirs—that is all. Having now given you as clear an explanation as I can, am I to understand that for what I propose doing I have your ?"
 
"I shall stand by you so long as you remain on the . Yes."
 
205"Good! Without any aid—even opposed or by you—I believe I should have acted as I now intend to act, but in another spirit. I now feel satisfied. On the whole, I the position."
 
"I dare say you do. That is evident. You relish the work which lies before you still better than you would relish the execution of a government order for army-cloth."
 
"I certainly feel it congenial."
 
"So would old Helstone. It is true there is a shade of difference in your motives—many shades, perhaps. Shall I speak to Mr. Helstone? I will, if you like."
 
"Act as you please. Your , Miss Keeldar, will guide you . I could rely on it myself in a more difficult crisis. But I should inform you Mr. Helstone is somewhat prejudiced against me at present."
 
"I am aware—I have heard all about your differences. Depend upon it, they will melt away. He cannot resist the temptation of an alliance under present circumstances."
 
"I should be glad to have him; he is of true metal."
 
"I think so also."
 
"An old blade, and somewhat, but the edge and temper still excellent."
 
"Well, you shall have him, Mr. Moore—that is, if I can win him."
 
"Whom can you not win?"
 
"Perhaps not the rector; but I will make the effort."
 
"Effort! He will yield for a word—a smile."
 
"By no means. It will cost me several cups of tea, some toast and cake, and an ample measure of , expostulations, and . It grows rather chill."
 
"I perceive you shiver. Am I wrongly to detain you here? Yet it is so calm—I even feel it warm—and society such as yours is a pleasure to me so rare. If you were wrapped in a thicker shawl——"
 
"I might stay longer, and forget how late it is, which would Mrs. Pryor. We keep early and regular hours at Fieldhead, Mr. Moore; and so, I am sure, does your sister at the cottage."
 
"Yes; but Hortense and I have an understanding the most convenient in the world, that we shall each do as we please."
 
206"How do you please to do?"
 
"Three nights in the week I sleep in the mill—but I require little rest—and when it is moonlight and mild I often haunt the Hollow till daybreak."
 
"When I was a very little girl, Mr. Moore, my nurse used to tell me tales of fairies being seen in that Hollow. That was before my father built the mill, when it was a solitary ravine. You will be falling under ."
 
"I fear it is done," said Moore, in a low voice.
 
"But there are worse things than fairies to be guarded against," pursued Miss Keeldar.
 
"Things more perilous," he subjoined.
 
"Far more so. For instance, how would you like to meet Michael Hartley, that mad Calvinist and Jacobin ? They say he is to poaching, and often goes abroad at night with his gun."
 
"I have already had the luck to meet him. We held a long argument together one night. A strange little incident it was; I liked it."
 
"Liked it? I admire your taste! Michael is not . Where did you meet him?"
 
"In the deepest, shadiest spot in the glen, where the water runs low, under brushwood. We sat down near that bridge. It was moonlight, but clouded, and very windy. We had a talk."
 
"On politics?"
 
"And religion. I think the moon was at the full, and Michael was as near crazed as possible. He uttered strange in his Antinomian fashion."
 
"Excuse me, but I think you must have been nearly as mad as he, to sit listening to him."
 
"There is a wild interest in his ravings. The man would be half a poet, if he were not wholly a ; and perhaps a prophet, if he were not a . He solemnly informed me that hell was foreordained my portion; that he read the mark of the beast on my brow; that I had been an outcast from the beginning. God's vengeance, he said, was preparing for me, and affirmed that in a vision of the night he had the manner and the instrument of my . I wanted to know further, but he left me with these words, 'The end is not yet.'"
 
"Have you ever seen him since?"
 
207"About a month afterwards, in returning from market, I encountered him and Moses Barraclough, both in an advanced stage of . They were praying in sort at the roadside. They me as Satan, bid me avaunt, and clamoured to be delivered from temptation. Again, but a few days ago, Michael took the trouble of appearing at the counting-house door, hatless, in his shirt-sleeves—his coat and castor having been detained at the public-house in pledge. He delivered himself of the comfortable message that he could wish Mr. Moore to set his house in order, as his soul was likely shortly to be required of him."
 
"Do you make light of these things?"
 
"The poor man had been drinking for weeks, and was in a state bordering on tremens."
 
"What then? He is the more likely to attempt the fulfilment of his own prophecies."
 
"It would not do to permit incidents of this sort to affect one's nerves."
 
"Mr. Moore, go home!"
 
"So soon?"
 
"Pass straight down the fields, not round by the lade and ."
 
"It is early yet."
 
"It is late. For my part, I am going in. Will you promise me not to wander in the Hollow to-night?"
 
"If you wish it."
 
"I do wish it. May I ask whether you consider life valueless?"
 
"By no means. On the contrary, of late I regard my life as ."
 
"Of late?"
 
"Existence is neither aimless nor hopeless to me now, and it was both three months ago. I was then drowning, and rather wished the operation over. All at once a hand was stretched to me—such a delicate hand I scarcely dared trust it; its strength, however, has rescued me from ruin."
 
"Are you really rescued?"
 
"For the time. Your assistance has given me another chance."
 
"Live to make the best of it. Don't offer yourself as a target to Michael Hartley; and good-night!"
 
Miss Helstone was under a promise to spend the evening208 of the next day at Fieldhead. She kept her promise. Some gloomy hours had she spent in the . Most of the time had been passed shut up in her own apartment, only issuing from it, indeed, to join her uncle at meals, and anticipating from Fanny by telling her that she was busy altering a dress, and preferred sewing upstairs, to avoid interruption.
 
She did sew. She her needle continuously, ceaselessly, but her brain worked faster than her fingers. Again, and more intensely than ever, she desired a occupation, no matter how , how irksome. Her uncle must be once more , but first she would consult Mrs. Pryor. Her head laboured to frame projects as as her hands to plait and stitch the thin of the muslin summer dress spread on the little white couch at the foot of which she sat. Now and then, while thus doubly occupied, a tear would fill her eyes and fall on her busy hands; but this sign of emotion was rare and quickly . The sharp passed; the dimness cleared from her vision. She would re-thread her needle, rearrange tuck and trimming, and work on.
 
Late in the afternoon she dressed herself. She reached Fieldhead, and appeared in the oak parlour just as tea was brought in. Shirley asked her why she came so late.
 
"Because I have been making my dress," said she. "These fine sunny days began to make me ashamed of my winter merino, so I have furbished up a garment."
 
"In which you look as I like to see you," said Shirley. "You are a lady-like little person, Caroline.—Is she not, Mrs. Pryor?"
 
Mrs. Pryor never paid compliments, and seldom indulged in remarks, or otherwise, on personal appearance. On the present occasion she only swept Caroline's curls from her cheek as she took a seat near her, the oval outline, and observed, "You get somewhat thin, my love, and somewhat pale. Do you sleep well? your eyes have a languid look." And she gazed at her anxiously.
 
"I sometimes dream dreams," answered Caroline; "and if I lie awake for an hour or two in the night, I am continually thinking of the rectory as a old place. You know it is very near the churchyard. The back part of the house is extremely ancient, and it is said that the out-kitchens there were once enclosed in the209 churchyard, and that there are graves under them. I rather long to leave the rectory."
 
"My dear, you are surely not ?"
 
"No, Mrs. Pryor; but I think I grow what is called nervous. I see things under a darker aspect than I used to do. I have fears I never used to have—not of ghosts, but of and events; and I have an inexpressible weight on my mind which I would give the world to shake off, and I cannot do it."
 
"Strange!" cried Shirley. "I never feel so." Mrs. Pryor said nothing.
 
"Fine weather, pleasant days, pleasant scenes, are powerless to give me pleasure," continued Caroline. "Calm evenings are not calm to me. Moonlight, which I used to think mild, now only looks mournful. Is this weakness of mind, Mrs. Pryor, or what is it? I cannot help it. I often struggle against it. I reason; but reason and effort make no difference."
 
"You should take more exercise," said Mrs. Pryor.
 
"Exercise! I exercise sufficiently. I exercise till I am ready to drop."
 
"My dear, you should go from home."
 
"Mrs. Pryor, I should like to go from home, but not on any purposeless excursion or visit. I wish to be a governess, as you have been. It would oblige me greatly if you would speak to my uncle on the subject."
 
"Nonsense!" broke in Shirley. "What an idea! Be a governess! Better be a slave at once. Where is the necessity of it? Why should you dream of such a painful step?"
 
"My dear," said Mrs. Pryor, "you are very young to be a governess, and not sufficiently . The duties a governess undertakes are often severe."
 
"And I believe I want severe duties to occupy me."
 
"Occupy you!" cried Shirley. "When are you idle? I never saw a more girl than you. You are always at work. Come," she continued—"come and sit by my side, and take some tea to refresh you. You don't care much for my friendship, then, that you wish to leave me?"
 
"Indeed I do, Shirley; and I don't wish to leave you. I shall never find another friend so dear."
 
At which words Miss Keeldar put her hand into Caroline's210 with an affectionate movement, which was well seconded by the expression of her face.
 
"If you think so, you had better make much of me," she said, "and not run away from me. I hate to part with those to whom I am become attached. Mrs. Pryor there sometimes talks of leaving me, and says I might make a more connection than herself. I should as soon think of exchanging an old-fashioned mother for something and . As for you—why, I began to flatter myself we were friends; that you liked Shirley almost as well as Shirley likes you, and she does not her regard."
 
"I do like Shirley. I like her more and more every day. But that does not make me strong or happy."
 
"And would it make you strong or happy to go and live as a dependent amongst utter strangers? It would not. And the experiment must not be tried; I tell you it would fail. It is not in your nature to bear the life governesses generally lead; you would fall ill. I won't hear of it."
 
And Miss Keeldar paused, having uttered this very decidedly. Soon she recommenced, still looking somewhat courroucée, "Why, it is my daily pleasure now to look out for the little cottage and the silk scarf glancing through the trees in the lane, and to know that my quiet, shrewd, thoughtful companion and monitress is coming back to me; that I shall have her sitting in the room to look at, to talk to or to let alone, as she and I please. This may be a selfish sort of language—I know it is—but it is the language which naturally rises to my lips, therefore I utter it."
 
"I would write to you, Shirley."
 
"And what are letters? Only a sort of pis aller. Drink some tea, Caroline. Eat something—you eat nothing. Laugh and be cheerful, and stay at home."
 
Miss Helstone shook her head and sighed. She felt what difficulty she would have to persuade any one to assist or sanction her in making that change in her life which she believed desirable. Might she only follow her own judgment, she thought she should be able to find perhaps a harsh but an effectual cure for her sufferings. But this judgment, founded on circumstances she could explain to none, least of all to Shirley, seemed, in all211 eyes but her own, incomprehensible and fantastic, and was opposed accordingly.
 
There really was no present need for her to leave a comfortable home and "take a situation;" and there was every probability that her uncle might, in some way, provide for her. So her friends thought, and, as far as their lights enabled them to see, they reasoned correctly; but of Caroline's strange sufferings, which she desired so eagerly to overcome or escape, they had no idea, of her racked nights and days no suspicion. It was at once impossible and hopeless to explain; to wait and endure was her only plan. Many that want food and clothing have cheerier lives and brighter than she had; many, by poverty, are in a strait less .
 
"Now, is your mind quieted?" inquired Shirley. "Will you consent to stay at home?"
 
"I shall not leave it against the approbation of my friends," was the reply; "but I think in time they will be obliged to think as I do."
 
During this conversation Mrs. Pryor looked far from easy. Her extreme reserve would rarely permit her to talk freely or to others closely. She could think a multitude of questions she never ventured to put, give advice in her mind which her tongue never delivered. Had she been alone with Caroline, she might possibly have said something to the point: Miss Keeldar's presence, accustomed as she was to it, sealed her lips. Now, as on a thousand other occasions, nervous kept her back from . She merely showed her concern for Miss Helstone in an indirect way, by asking her if the fire made her too warm, placing a screen between her chair and the , closing a window whence she imagined a proceeded, and often and restlessly glancing at her. Shirley resumed: "Having destroyed your plan," she said, "which I hope I have done, I shall construct a new one of my own. Every summer I make an excursion. This season I propose spending two months either at the lochs or the English lakes—that is, I shall go there provided you consent to accompany me. If you refuse, I shall not stir a foot."
 
"You are very good, Shirley."
 
"I would be very good if you would let me. I have every to be good. It is my misfortune and212 habit, I know, to think of myself to anybody else; but who is not like me in that respect? However, when Captain Keeldar is made comfortable, accommodated with all he wants, including a sensible, comrade, it gives him a thorough pleasure to devote his spare efforts to making that comrade happy. And should we not be happy, Caroline, in the Highlands? We will go to the Highlands. We will, if you can bear a sea-voyage, go to the —the Hebrides, the Shetland, the Orkney Islands. Would you not like that? I see you would.—Mrs. Pryor, I call you to witness. Her face is all sunshine at the bare mention of it."
 
"I should like it much," returned Caroline, to whom, indeed, the notion of such a tour was not only pleasant, but gloriously reviving. Shirley rubbed her hands.
 
"Come; I can a benefit," she exclaimed. "I can do a good deed with my cash. My thousand a year is not merely a matter of dirty bank-notes and jaundiced guineas (let me speak respectfully of both, though, for I adore them), but, it may be, health to the , strength to the weak, to the sad. I was to make something of it better than a fine old house to live in, than satin gowns to wear, better than from acquaintance and homage from the poor. Here is to begin. This summer, Caroline, Mrs. Pryor and I go out into the North Atlantic, beyond the Shetland, perhaps to the Faroe Isles. We will see seals in Suderoe, and, doubtless, in Stromoe.—Caroline is laughing, Mrs. Pryor. I made her laugh; I have done her good."
 
"I shall like to go, Shirley," again said Miss Helstone. "I long to hear the sound of waves—ocean-waves—and to see them as I have imagined them in dreams, like tossing banks of green light, with vanishing and reappearing wreaths of , whiter than lilies. I shall delight to pass the shores of those rock-islets where the sea-birds live and breed unmolested. We shall be on the track of the old Scandinavians—of the Norsemen. We shall almost see the shores of Norway. This is a very vague delight that I feel, communicated by your proposal, but it is a delight."
 
"Will you think of Fitful Head now when you lie awake at night, of round it, and waves tumbling in upon it, rather than of the graves under the rectory back-kitchen?"
 
213"I will try; and instead of musing about remnants of , and fragments of , and human bones and mould, I will fancy seals lying in the sunshine on solitary shores, where neither fisherman nor hunter ever come; of rock full of pearly eggs bedded in seaweed; of unscared birds covering white sands in happy flocks."
 
"And what will become of that inexpressible weight you said you had on your mind?"
 
"I will try to forget it in on the sway of the whole great deep above a of whales rushing through the livid and liquid thunder down from the frozen zone—a hundred of them, perhaps, wallowing, flashing, rolling in the wake of a patriarch bull, huge enough to have been before the Flood, such a creature as poor Smart had in his mind when he said,—
 
'Strong against tides, the enormous whale
Emerges as he goes.'"
"I hope our bark will meet with no such shoal, or herd as you term it, Caroline. (I suppose you fancy the sea-mammoths pasturing about the bases of the ' hills,' strange in the vast valleys through and above which sea-billows roll.) I should not like to be capsized by the patriarch bull."
 
"I suppose yo............