OF THE GLORY AND GOODNESS AND THE EVIL THAT GO TO THE MAKING OF LOVE. During my time of struggle I had avoided all communication with old Hasluck. He was not a man to sympathise with feelings he did not understand. With good humour he would have insisted upon me. Why I preferred half starving with Lott and Co. to selling my labour for a fair wage to good-natured old Hasluck, merely because I knew him, I cannot explain. Though the profits may not have been so large, Lott and Co.'s dealings were not one more honest: I do not believe it was that which me. Nor do I think it was because he was Barbara's father. I never connected him, nor that good old soul, his vulgar, wife, in any way with Barbara. To me she was a being apart from all the world. Her true Parents! I should have sought them rather amid the sacred of vanished lands, within the sky-domed of gods. There are instincts in us not easily analysed, not to be explained by reason. I have always preferred the finding—sometimes the losing—of my way according to the map, to the surer and simpler method of enquiry; working out a complicated journey, and running the risk of never arriving at my destination, by aid of a Bradshaw, to putting myself into the hands of officials maintained and paid to assist the traveller. Possibly a far-off of mine may have been some “rogue” with untribal , living in his cave apart, fashioning his own stone hammer, shaping his own flint arrow-heads, the merry war-dance, preferring to by himself.
 
But now, having gained my own foothold, I could stretch out my hand without fear of the movement being mistaken for appeal. I wrote to old Hasluck; and almost by the next post received from him the friendliest of notes. He told me Barbara had just returned from abroad, took it upon himself to add that she also would be delighted to see me, and, as I knew he would, threw his doors open to me.
 
Of my boyish passion for Barbara never had I spoken to a living soul, nor do I think, excepting Barbara herself, had any ever guessed it. To my mother, though she was very fond of her, Barbara was only a girl, with charms but also with faults, concerning which my mother would speak freely; hurting me, as one unwittingly might hurt a by discussion of his newly embraced religion. Often, choosing by preference late evening or the night, I would wander round and round the huge red-brick house in its ancient garden on the top of Stamford Hill; again into the streets as one returning to the world from praying at a , purified, filled with peace, all noble endeavour, all unselfish aims seeming within my grasp.
 
During Barbara's four years' absence my had grown and strengthened. Out of my memory of her my desire had evolved its ideal; a being of my imagination, but by reason of that, to me the more real, the more present. I looked forward to seeing her again, but with no , rather in the than eager for the realisation. As a creature of flesh and blood, the child I had played with, talked with, touched, she had faded further and further into the distance; as the vision of my dreams she stood out clearer day by day. I knew that when next I saw her there would be a between us I had no wish to bridge. To worship her from afar was a sweeter thought to me than would have been the hope of a embrace. To live with her, sit opposite to her while she ate and drank, see her, perhaps, with her hair in curl-papers, know possibly that she had a corn upon her foot, hear her speak maybe of a decayed tooth, or of a chilblain, would have been torture to me. Into such abyss of the commonplace there was no fear of my dragging her, and for this I was glad. In the future she would be yet more removed from me. She was older than I was; she must be now a woman. I felt that in spite of years I was not yet a man. She would marry. The thought gave me no pain, my feeling for her was of appetite. No one but myself could close the temple I had built about her, none deny to me the right of entry there. No jealous priest could hide her from my eyes, her altar I had reared too high. Since I have come to know myself better, I perceive that she stood to me not as a living woman, but as a symbol; not a fellow human being to be walked with through life, helping and to be helped, but that impalpable religion of sex to which we raise up of poor human clay, , not always to our satisfaction, so that foolishly we fall into anger against them, forgetting they were but the work of our own hands; not the body, but the spirit of love.
 
I allowed a week to elapse after receiving old Hasluck's letter before presenting myself at Stamford Hill. It was late one afternoon in early summer. Hasluck had not returned from the City, Mrs. Hasluck was out visiting, Miss Hasluck was in the garden. I told the footman not to trouble, I would seek her there myself. I guessed where she would be; her favourite spot had always been a sunny corner, bright with flowers, surrounded by a thick hedge, cut, after the Dutch fashion, into shapes of animals and birds. She was walking there, as I had expected, reading a book. And again, as I saw her, came back to me the feeling that had swept across me as a boy, when first outlined against the dusty books and papers of my father's office she had flashed upon my eyes: that all the fairy tales had suddenly come true, only now, instead of the Princess, she was the Queen. Taller she was, with a dignity that had been the only charm she lacked. She did not hear my coming, my way being across the soft, short grass, and for a little while I stood there in the shadow of the , drinking in the beauty of her clear-cut profile, down towards her book, the curving lines of her long neck, the wonder of the white hand against the lilac of her dress.
 
I did not speak; rather would I have remained so watching; but turning at the end of the path, she saw me, and as she came towards me held out her hand. I knelt upon the path, and raised it to my lips. The action was spontaneous, till afterwards I was not aware of having done it. Her lips were smiling as I raised my eyes to them, the faintest suggestion of contempt with amusement. Yet she seemed pleased, and her contempt, even if I were not mistaken, would not have wounded me.
 
“So you are still in love with me? I wondered if you would be.”
 
“Did you know that I was in love with you?”
 
“I should have been blind if I had not.”
 
“But I was only a boy.”
 
“You were not the usual type of boy. You are not going to be the usual type of man.”
 
“You do not mind my loving you?”
 
“I cannot help it, can I? Nor can you.”
 
She seated herself on a stone bench facing a sun-dial, and leaning , her hands clasped behind her head, looked at me and laughed.
 
“I shall always love you,” I answered, “but it is with a curious sort of love. I do not understand it myself.”
 
“Tell me,” she commanded, still with a smile about her lips, “describe it to me.”
 
I was standing over against her, my arm resting upon the dial's stone column. The sun was sinking, casting long shadows on the grass, with a golden light her upturned face.
 
“I would you were some great queen of olden days, and that I might be always near you, serving you, doing your bidding. Your love in return would spoil all; I shall never ask it, never desire it. That I might look upon you, touch now and then at rare with my lips your hand, kiss in secret the glove you had let fall, the shoe you had flung off, know that you knew of my love, that I was yours to do with as you would, to live or die according to your wish. Or that you were priestess in some temple of forgotten gods, where I might steal at daybreak and at dusk to gaze upon your beauty; kneel with clasped hands, watching your sandalled feet coming and going about the altar steps; lie with pressed lips upon the stones your trailing robes had touched.”
 
She laughed a light mocking laugh. “I should prefer to be the queen. The role of priestess would not suit me. Temples are so cold.” A slight shiver passed through her. She made a movement with her hand, me to her feet. “That is how you shall love me, Paul,” she said, “adoring me, worshipping me—blindly. I will be your queen and treat you—as it chooses me. All I think, all I do, I will tell you, and you shall tell me it is right. The queen can do no wrong.”
 
She took my face between her hands, and bending over me, looked long and into my eyes. “You understand, Paul, the queen can do no wrong—never, never.” There had crept into her voice a note of , in her face was a look almost of appeal.
 
“My queen can do no wrong,” I repeated. And she laughed and let her hands fall back upon her lap.
 
“Now you may sit beside me. So much honour, Paul, shall you have to-day, but it will have to last you long. And you may tell me all you have been doing, maybe it will amuse me; and afterwards you shall hear what I have done, and shall say that it was right and good of me.”
 
I obeyed, my story , yet leaving nothing , not even the of the Lady 'Ortensia, ashamed of the episode though I was. At that she looked a little grave.
 
“You must do nothing again, Paul,” she commanded, “to make me feel ashamed of you, or I shall dismiss you from my presence for ever. I must be proud of you, or you shall not serve me. In yourself you are dishonouring me. I am angry with you, Paul. Do not let me be angry with you again.”
 
And so that passed; and although my love for her—as I know well she wished and sought it should—failed to save me at all times from the apish voices whispering ever to the beast within us, I know the desire to be of her, to honour her with all my being, helped my life as only love can. The glory of the morning fades, the magic veil is rent; we see all things with cold, clear eyes. My love was a woman. She lies dead. They have mocked her white sweet limbs with rags and tatters, but they cannot cheat love's eyes. God knows I loved her in all purity! Only with false love we love the false. Beneath the unclean clinging garments she sleeps fair.
 
My tale finished, “Now I will tell you mine,” she said. “I am going to be married soon. I shall be a Countess, Paul, the Countess Huescar—I will teach you how to pronounce it—and I shall have a real castle in Spain. You need not look so frightened, Paul; we shall not live there. It is a half-ruined, gloomy place, among the mountains, and he loves it even less than I do. Paris and London will be my courts, so you will see me often. You shall know the great world, Paul, the world I mean to conquer, where I mean to rule.”
 
“Is he very rich?” I asked.
 
“As poor,” she laughed, “as poor as a Spanish nobleman. The money I shall have to provide, or, rather, poor dear Dad will. He gives me title, position. Of course I do not love him, handsome though he is. Don't look so solemn, Paul. We shall get on together well enough. Queens, Paul, do not make love matches, they contract alliances. I have done well, Paul; congratulate me. Do you hear, Paul? Say that I have acted rightly.”
 
“Does he love you?” I asked.
 
“He tells me so,” she answered, with a laugh. “How uncourtier-like you are, Paul! Do you suggest that any man could see me and not love me?”
 
She sprang to her feet. “I do not want his love,” she cried; “it would bore me. Women hate love they cannot return. I don't mean love like yours, little Paul,” she added, with a laugh. “That is sweet round us that we like to with our noses in the air. Give me that, Paul; I want it, I ask for it. But the love of a hand, the love of a husband that one does not care for—it would be horrible!”
 
I felt myself growing older. For the moment my goddess became a child needing help.
 
“But have you thought—” I commenced.
 
“Yes, yes,” she interrupted me quickly, “I have thought and thought till I can think no more. There must be some sacrifice; it must be as little as need be, that is all. He does not love me; he is marrying me for my money—I know that, and I am glad of it. You do not know me, Paul. I must have rank, position. What am I? The daughter of rich old Hasluck, who began life as a butcher in the Mile End Road. As the Princess Huescar, society will forget, as Mrs.”—it seemed to me she checked herself abruptly—“Jones or Brown it would remember, however rich I might be. I am vain, Paul, caring for power—ambition. I have my father's blood in me. All his nights and days he has spent in gaining wealth; he can do no more. We upstarts have our pride of race. He has done his share, I must do mine.”
 
“But you need not be Mrs. anybody commonplace,” I argued. “Why not wait? You will meet someone who can give you position and whom at the same time you can love. Would that not be better?”
 
“He will never come, the man I could love,” she answered. “Because, my little Paul, he has come already. , Paul, the queen can do no wrong.”
 
“Who is he?” I asked. “May I not know?”
 
“Yes, Paul,” she answered, “you shall know; I want you to know, then you shall tell me that I have acted rightly. Do you hear me, Paul?—quite rightly—that you still respect me and honour me. He could not help me. As his wife, I should be less even than I am, a mere rich nobody, giving long dinner-parties to other rich nobodies, living amongst City men, trades-people; envied only by their fat, vulgarly dressed wives, courted by seedy Bohemians for the sake of my cook; with perhaps an opera singer or an nobleman or two out of Dad's City list for my show-guests. Is that the court, Paul, where you would have your queen ?”
 
“Is he so commonplace a man,” I answered, “the man you love? I cannot believe it.”
 
“He is not commonplace,” she answered. “It is I who am commonplace. The things I desire, they are beneath him; he will never trouble himself to secure them.”
 
“Not even for love of you?”
 
“I would not have him do so even were he willing. He is great, with a greatness I cannot even understand. He is not the man for these times. In old days, I should have married him, knowing he would climb to greatness by sheer strength of manhood. But now men do not climb; they crawl to greatness. He could not do that. I have done right, Paul.”
 
“What does he say?” I asked.
 
“Shall I tell you?” She laughed a little bitterly. “I can give you his exact words, 'You are half a woman and half a fool, so woman-like you will follow your . But let your folly see to it that your woman makes no fool of herself.'”
 
The words were what I could imagine his saying. I heard the strong ring of his voice through her mocking .
 
“Hal!” I cried. “It is he.”
 
“So you never guessed even that, Paul. I thought at times it would be sweet to cry it out aloud, that it could have made no difference, that everyone who knew me must have read it in my eyes.”
 
“But he never seemed to take much notice of you,” I said.
 
She laughed. “You needn't be so unkind, Paul. What did I ever do for you much more than snub you? We boys and girls; there is not so much difference between us: we love our masters. Yet you must not think so poorly of me. I was only a child to him then, but we were locked up in Paris together during the entire siege. Have not you heard? He did take a little notice of me there, Paul, I assure you.”
 
Would it have been better, I wonder, had she followed the woman and not the fool? It sounds an easy question to answer; but I am thinking of years later, one winter's night at Tiefenkasten in the Julier Pass. I was on my way from San Moritz to Chur. The sole passenger, I had just climbed, half frozen, from the , and was myself before the stove in the common room of the hotel when the waiter put a pencilled note into my hand:
 
“Come up and see me. I am a prisoner in this damned hole till the weather breaks. Hal.”
 
I hardly recognised him at first. Only the poor ghost he seemed of the Hal I had known as a boy. His long privations endured during the Paris siege, added to the superhuman work he had there put upon himself, had commenced the ruin of even his magnificent physique—a ruin the wild, loose life he was now leading was soon to complete. It was a gloomy, room that once had been a , lighted dimly by a cheap, evil-smelling lamp, heated to by one of those great green-tiled German ovens now only to be met with in rare out-of-the-way world corners. He was sitting up by pillows on the bed, placed close to one of the high windows, his deep eyes like two gleaming out of his , haggard face.
 
“I saw you from the window,” he explained. “It is the only excitement I get, twice a day when the come in. I broke down coming across the Pass a fortnight ago, on my way from Davos. We were stuck in a drift for eighteen hours; it nearly finished my last lung. And I haven't even a book to read. By God! lad, I was glad to see your frosted face ten minutes ago in the light of the lantern.”
 
He grasped me with his long bony hand. “Sit down, and let me hear my voice using again its mother tongue—you were always a good listener—for the last eight years I have hardly spoken it. Can you stand the room? The windows ought to be open, but what does it matter? I may as well get accustomed to the heat before I die.”
 
I drew my chair close to the bed, and for awhile, between his fits of coughing, we talked of things that were outside our thoughts, or, rather, Hal talked, continuously, , meeting my with shouts of laughter, ending in wild struggles for breath, so that I deemed it better to let him work his mad mood out.
 
Then suddenly: “What is she doing?” he asked. “Do you ever see her?”
 
“She is playing in—” I mentioned the name of a comic opera then running in Paris. “No; I have not seen her for some time.”
 
He laid his white, wasted hand on mine. “What a pity you and I could not have rolled ourselves into one, Paul—you, the saint, and I, the satyr. Together we should have made her perfect lover.”
 
There came back to me the memory of those long nights when I had lain awake listening to the angry voices of my father and mother soaking through the flimsy wall. It seemed my fate to stand thus helpless between those I loved, watching them hurting one another against their will.
 
“Tell me,” I asked—“I loved her, knowing her: I was not blind. Whose fault was it? Yours or hers?”
 
He laughed. “Whose fault, Paul? God made us.”
 
Thinking of her fair, sweet face, I hated him for his mocking laugh. But the next moment, looking into his deep eyes, seeing the pain that dwelt there, my pity was for him. A smile came to his ugly mouth.
 
“You have been on the stage, Paul; you must have heard the saying often: 'Ah, well, the curtain must come down, however badly things are going.' It is only a play, Paul. We do not choose our parts. I did not even know I was the , till I heard the booing of the gallery. I even thought I was the hero, full of noble sentiment, sacrificing myself for the happiness of the heroine. She would have married me in the beginning had I plagued her .”
 
I made to speak, but he interrupted me, continuing: “Ah, yes, it might have been better. That is easy............