Yes, it was the real feeling of that was mine now—not the hatred of which one reads in novels, and in the existence of which I do not believe—the hatred which finds satisfaction in doing harm to a fellow-creature, but the hatred which consists of an unconquerable aversion to a person who may be wholly deserving of your , yet whose very hair, neck, walk, voice, limbs, movements, and everything else are disgusting to you, while all the while an incomprehensible force attracts you towards him, and compels you to follow his slightest acts with anxious attention.  
This was the feeling which I cherished for St. Jerome, who had lived with us now for a year and a half.
 
Judging coolly of the man at this time of day, I find that he was a true Frenchman, but a Frenchman in the better acceptation of the term. He was fairly well educated, and fulfilled his duties to us , but he had the features of egotism, boastfulness, impertinence, and ignorant self-assurance which are common to all his countrymen, as well as opposed to the Russian character.
 
All this set me against him, Grandmamma had signified to him her dislike for corporal punishment, and therefore he dared not beat us, but he frequently THREATENED us, particularly myself, with the , and would utter the word fouetter as though it were fouatter in an and detestable way which always gave me the idea that to whip me would afford him the greatest possible satisfaction.
 
I was not in the least afraid of the bodily pain, for I had never experienced it. It was the idea that he could beat me that threw me into such paroxysms of and despair.
 
True, Karl Ivanitch sometimes (in moments of exasperation) had recourse to a ruler or to his , but that I can look back upon without anger. Even if he had struck me at the time of which I am now speaking (namely, when I was fourteen years old), I should have submitted quietly to the correction, for I loved him, and had known him all my life, and looked upon him as a member of our family, but St. Jerome was a , opinionated fellow for whom I felt merely the respect which I entertained for all persons older than myse............