“LATE again!” called out the Hall Porter when Girlie hurried up the broad stone steps leading to a great building opposite to the little green gate. “How can I be late again,” asked Girlie angrily, “when I’ve never been here at all before?”
“If you’ve not been here before, then you must have been behind,” said the Hall Porter; “and, if one is behind, they are late, don’t you know? You are fined sixpence,” he added, taking sixpence from his pocket and handing it to Girlie.
“What is this?” she asked.
53“The sixpence that I fined you, of course,” replied the Hall Porter.
“But what am I to do with it?” asked Girlie in surprise.
“Oh! findings’, keepings,” muttered the Hall Porter, walking away. “Put it in your pocket; you’ll want it soon.”
And, sure enough, before she had gone many steps along the stone corridor, Girlie came to a great door with the words “Admission, sixpence” written on it.
After knocking timidly, she waited awhile, till it was, at last, opened by a policeman, who, silently taking the sixpence which she offered him, motioned her to a seat near the door.
“Well, it’s a good thing that I was fined, or I should never have got in here,” thought Girlie; and she sat down and looked about her curiously.
 
“‘DON’T TAKE ANY NOTICE OF THEM, DEAR.’”
She found herself in a long Gothic hall with low seats against the wall on each side. At one end was a raised dais, on which was a throne with a canopy over it. The centre of the room was quite bare. On the seats against the wall were sitting a number of animals, and Girlie could see that the Fish with a cold and his companion the Calf were sitting near the throne. The Fish had his tail in 54a tub of hot mustard-and-water; and by his side was a small table, on which were a basin of gruel, some cough mixture and a packet of lozenges. And near him, at a low desk, sat a Lobster writing rapidly; Girlie afterwards discovered that he was a Reporter. None of the animals had taken the slightest notice of her on her entrance except an old white Cockatoo in a Paisley shawl, carrying a huge market-basket, and who, as soon as Girlie sat 55down, made some remark to two Monkeys who were sitting near her. The Monkeys laughed, and one of them, leaning forward so that he could see Girlie more distinctly, made a grimace at her.
“Don’t take any notice of them, dear,” said a motherly-looking Penguin, who sat next to her knitting a very curiously-shaped stocking. “They are always rude to strangers; and I think you have not been here before, have you?” she asked smilingly.
“No, never,” replied Girlie, smiling back again, for she quite took to this kindly-looking creature.
“You’re what they call a Proper Noun, aren’t you?” asked the Penguin after a pause.
Girlie thought the matter over, and then replied that she supposed she was, although usually spoken of as a little girl.
“It’s all the same, my dear,” said the Penguin. “All girls are nouns, you know, although all nouns are not girls, which is very funny when you come to think of it, because——”
Before she could finish the sentence, there was a stir amongst the animals, when a severe-looking gentleman in black velvet and steel buckles and buttons entered, carrying a long wand.
56“Silence!” he cried in a loud voice, and the talking, which had been going on all over the room, immediately ceased.
“The Husher,” whispered the Penguin, hastily putting away her knitting.
“Silence!” again called out the Husher, glaring fiercely at Girlie.
“I didn’t speak, sir,” said Girlie nervously.
“Yes, she did! yes, she did!” screamed the Cockatoo. “She’s been talking ever since she came in,” she went on noisily.
“Silence, both of you!” said the Husher, frowning severely first at Girlie and then at the Cockatoo, and then walking to the other end of the room, as a door at the top of some steps near the throne opened, and two Heralds entered, blowing a blast on their trumpets.
 
“TWO HERALDS ENTERED.”
“Here comes the Wallypug!” said the Penguin, and everybody stood up as a kind of procession filed into the room.
Girlie and the Penguin moved a little nearer the door, in order to see more distinctly.
First in the procession came the Doctor-in-law, smiling blandly; then the King’s Minstrel came strutting in, looking more conceited than ever, and carrying a large 57roll of music under his arm. He was followed by an elderly gentleman carrying a microscope.
“The Royal Microscopist,” said the Penguin in answer to an inquiring glance that Girlie gave her.
“What is the microscope for?” asked Girlie in a whisper.
“To see the jokes with,” replied the Penguin. “Some of them cannot be seen at all without it.”
Following the Royal Microscopist came an old lady in 59a poke bonnet and black lace shawl, who turned out to be the Head Mistress of the High School at Why. She was a very sharp-featured person and wore blue glasses.
There was a slight pause, and then the Wallypug entered. He was a meek-looking little creature, splendidly dressed in royal robes, which, however, fitted him very badly, and his crown was so much too big that it came quite over his head and just rested on the tip of his nose. He carried an orb in one hand and a sceptre in the other. His long velvet cloak, lined with ermine, was held by two pages, who were giggling and occasionally giving the cloak a tug which nearly upset the poor Wallypug, who seemed to have great difficulty in getting along as it was. (See Frontispiece.)
“Now then, Wallypug, sparkle up!” called out the Husher, giving him a poke with his wand as soon as he entered the door.
Girlie was greatly surprised to see him treated so disrespectfully, and was quite indignant when, the Wallypug having reached the steps of the dais, the pages gave an extra hard pull at his cloak and caused him to fall awkwardly forward on to his hands and knees, dropping his orb and sceptre and knocking his crown further over his face than ever.
60Everybody else, however, seemed to think it a great joke, and even the Wallypug smiled apologetically while he scrambled nervously up to the throne.
During the time that the animals were settling into their places, Girlie found out from the Penguin that the Wallypug was a kind of King, governed by the people instead of governing them. He was obliged to spend his money as they decided, and was not allowed to do anything without their permission. He had to address every one as “Your Majesty,” and had even to wear such clothes as the people directed. The state robes he now wore had belonged to the previous Wallypug, who had been a much larger man, and that was why they fitted him so badly.
So soon as the room was quiet, the Husher announced in a loud voice, “The Speech from the Throne”; and the Wallypug immediately stood up, nervously fumbling at a sheet of parchment which he held in his hand. His crown being quite over his eyes, he had to hold the parchment nearly up to his nose in order to see what was written on it. However, he soon began in a feeble voice,—
“May it please your Majesties——” when he was immediately interrupted by the Cockatoo, who screamed out,—
61“We don’t want to hear all that rubbish! Let’s get to business.”
“Yes, yes,” cried several voices; “business first.”
The Husher called out “Silence! silence!” in a dignified way. “I think you had better sit down, though,” he added, turning to the Wallypug.
“Very well, your Majesty,” said the Wallypug, looking greatly relieved and sitting down immediately.
The Husher then walked over to the Fish and seemed to be asking him some question, to which the Fish evidently replied in the affirmative, for the Husher looked very pleased and immediately announced,—
“Ladies and gentlemen——”
“What about us?” screamed the Cockatoo.
“And others,” continued the Husher, giving a glance in her direction. “You will be pleased to hear that the Lecture to-day will be given by A. Fish, Esq., and the subject is one which will no doubt interest you all. It is ‘The Whichness of the What as compared to the Thatness of the Thus.’”
A storm of applause followed this announcement, in the midst of which the Fish arose, assisted by his friend the Calf, who, so soon as he had helped him to stand, ran hurriedly out of the room, returning 62almost immediately with a large kettle of boiling water and some more mustard. These he poured hastily into the tub, stirring it round and round and gazing up anxiously into the Fish’s face.
 
“THE FISH GASPED ONCE OR TWICE.”
The Fish gasped once or twice, and then, after swallowing a little gruel, he began in a very choky voice:
“O-o-o-b, o-o-o-b, o-o-o-b, Ladles ad Geddlebed——”
The Reporter looked up with a puzzled air. “May I trouble you to repeat that?” he asked, putting his claw to his head. “I didn’t quite catch the last part of the sentence.”
“O-o-o-b, o-o-o-b, I said, Ladles ad Geddlebed,” repeated the Fish, looking rather put out.
“Latin quotation?” asked the Reporter of the Doctor-in-law, who stood near him.
“Partly,” replied the Doctor-in-law. “‘Ladles’ is English, ‘ad’ is Latin, and ‘Geddlebed’ is Dutch, I think. It’s a very clever remark,” he continued.
The Reporter looked greatly impressed, and made a note of what the Doctor-in-law had said, and then waited for the Fish to go on.
The Fish, however, was taking some more gruel, and saying “O-o-o-b” between every spoonful. Presently he 63choked dreadfully, and, amidst great excitement, had to be helped from the room by the Calf and the Doctor-in-law, who kept thumping him violently on the back all the way to the door.
So soon as they had gone out, the King’s Minstrel jumped up and rapidly began undoing his roll of music.
“I will now oblige you with one of my charming songs,” he said.
There was immediately a great commotion in all parts of the room.
“No, you won’t!” “Turn him out!” “We don’t want to hear it,” was heard on all sides, while the old Cockatoo got positively frantic, jumping madly up and down, and screaming out as loudly as she could, “Down with him! Down with him! Down with him!”
The Husher rushed wildly about calling out “Silence! silence!” and it was not until the King’s Minstrel had sulkily rolled up his music and sat down again that order was restored.