“WELL, which way shall I go?” said Girlie to herself looking up and down the lane, “for it will never do to stay here all day, you know. I wish I had a compass,” she continued, “I should know which way to go, then.” Girlie had the haziest notions as to what a compass really is, but had come to the conclusion that you had only to look at one in order to find your way anywhere.
“I suppose,” she continued, “I had better follow the lane; it’s sure to lead to somewhere or other.”
25She could see that a little further on the roadway took a sudden turn to the left, and, on reaching the corner, she found herself facing a large pond, by the side of which a fish, well wrapped up in a plaid shawl, was sitting on a wooden stool fishing.
On the other side of the road was a five-barred gate, on which sat a calf dressed in a bright blue coat, yellow-striped waistcoat, and red plush knee-breeches; he wore his hat quite at the back of his head, because of his horns, and had a scarlet geranium in his coat; he was tapping his hoof impatiently with a small cane which he carried in one hand.
“Here she comes at last,” he called out to the Fish when Girlie came in sight.
“O-o-o-b! o-o-o-b! o-o-o-b!” said the Fish, rolling his great eyes around and staring dejectedly at her, and then immediately resuming his occupation.
“What does he say?” asked Girlie, who, somehow or other, did not feel at all surprised at this strange sight; perhaps it was because she had read so many fairy tales.
“Nothing,” said the Calf, “he never talks when he is fishing; it isn’t considered polite; he says ‘o-o-o-b’ because he can’t help it; all fishes say that, you know.”
And, when Girlie came to think of it, she remembered 26that her gold fish at home always seemed to be saying “o-o-o-b, o-o-o-b,” when she looked at them swimming about.
“But what is he fishing for?” she asked. “I have never heard of a fish fishing before.”
 
“‘WHAT IS HE FISHING FOR?’ SHE ASKED.”
“Why shouldn’t a fish fish, as well as a baker bake, or a tailor tail?” asked the Calf.
“But I’ve never heard of tailors tailing before,” said Girlie. “Do they?”
“Certainly they do,” said the Calf; “they retail and coat tail, don’t they?”
“Oh yes, of course,” admitted Girlie; “but what does he fish for?” she persisted, pointing to the fish.
“Compliments,” said the Calf abruptly.
27“Oh, I’ve heard of people fishing for compliments before,” thought Girlie. “Has he caught anything?” she asked.
“Yes,” said the Calf, grinning.
“What?” asked Girlie eagerly.
“Same as most folks do that go fishing—a cold,” replied the Calf.
“Oh dear! where did he catch it?” asked Girlie.
“In his head, to be sure,” said the Calf; “he is very subject to them; I think it’s being in the water so much,” he continued; “he gets frightfully damp sometimes when he’s been swimming about all day. It’s a great pity, too, for he is going to lecture at Why this afternoon before the Wallypug on the ‘Whichness of the What, as compared to the Thatness of the Thus.’ Shall you be there?” he asked.
“I don’t know,” said Girlie dubiously; “I want to go to Why, though,” she said. “Can you direct me?”
“Oh yes!” replied the Calf. “Do you know anybody there?”
Girlie, thinking that Dumpsey Deazil must have gone there, nodded her head.
“Oh, don’t do that,” cried the Calf in a tone of alarm, while the Fish turned slowly round and stared at her again.
28“What did I do?” asked Girlie.
“You nodded your head; it’s a very dangerous thing to do; you might turn into a Mandarin,” said the Calf.
“What is that?” asked Girlie, who couldn’t remember having heard the name before, though it seemed familiar too.
“Any one who cannot say ‘no’ is a Mandarin,” said the Calf; “the worst kind are the Chinese, who are born with a wire through their necks, so that they can only move their heads in one direction.”
“Oh, I know! You mean little figures that nod their heads when you touch them,” cried Girlie. “I remember now, I saw one in a toyshop the other day. They are made of china, aren’t they?”
“Of course,” said the Calf, “all the Chinese are made of china, just as all the Japanese are japanned. There is a song about a Mandarin that ought to be a warning to people not to nod their heads. Shall I repeat it?” he asked.
“Oh yes, please,” replied Girlie.
“O-o-o-b, o-o-o-b, o-o-o-b, stop a biddit,” said the Fish, putting away his fishing-rod and wobbling awkwardly towards them. “Led be hear id, too.”
29“Oh, you’ve heard it before,” said the Calf; “get on with your fishing.”
“O-o-o-b, o-o-o-b, o-o-o-b, I’ve odely heard id dide tibes,” said the Fish pleadingly.
“Very well, then, come and sit down,” said the Calf, pointing to where Girlie had settled herself on a little mound beside the road.
The Fish sat down, and, opening his mouth very widely, stared vacantly at the Calf, who repeated the following lines:—
 
“THE NODDING MANDARIN.
“Oh! it’s sad when you cannot say ‘no’
And your head on a pivot is fixed,
If you have to consent
When a negative’s meant,
Your affairs will get hopelessly mixed.
30“And that was the Mandarin’s case,
Of that there can not be a doubt,
She asked him to wed,
And he nodded his head,
And that’s how it all came about.
“It happened one day in the spring;
As he sat ’neath his red parasol
She must have had cheek,
Though she did look so meek
She was only a black rubber doll.
“I think it was dreadfully mean,
For she knew that he couldn’t refuse,
He had to say ‘yes,’
Though he rued it, I guess—
Aren’t you glad that you’re not in his shoes?
“She must be a strong-minded girl,
For they say she has purchased the ring,
And threatens, I’ve heard,
If he goes from his word,
To drag him to Church with a string.
“They say she’s a terrible shrew,
And will lead him a regular dance,
And, although she’s so plain,
She’s remarkably vain,
And will have her dresses from France.
31“She asks him for this thing and that;
No wonder the poor man is vexed;
He keeps nodding his head,
Although trembling with dread,
For he never knows what she’ll want next.
“The only thing I can suggest,
Is to ask him some day to agree
To execute Dinah,
Or send her to China;
He’s bound to consent, don’t you see?”
 
Girlie was just wondering whether she ought to clap her hands, when the Fish, who had been sitting all the while with his mouth wide open, rolled his eyes ecstatically and exclaimed in a gratified way—“O-o-o-b, o-o-o-b, o-o-o-b, thad’s very, very comfordig.”
“What do you mean?” asked Girlie.
 
“SHE FELT HERSELF PUSHED ‘SPLASH’ INTO THE POND.”
“O-o-o-b. Well, you see, I couldn’t dod by head if 33I tried,” said the Fish, “so I cad dever get into the sabe buddle thad the baderid did. Besides——”
“I say,” interrupted the Calf, and speaking to Girlie, “hadn’t you better be off if you are going? or you won’t get to Why to-day, you know.”
Girlie had been so interested in hearing about the Mandarin, that she had forgotten all about wanting to go there.
“Shall you go by water?” continued the Calf.
“Is that the quickest way?” asked Girlie.
“Yes, it is,” said the Calf.
“Then I think I will,” said Girlie.
“Very well,” replied the Calf, “step in.”
“In where?” asked Girlie, puzzled to know what he meant.
“Into the water, of course,” said the Calf. “You said you were going by water, didn’t you?”
“But I shall get wet,” cried Girlie in alarm.
“Oh no, you won’t; this is dry water,” said the Calf.
“How absurd!” said Girlie; “why, I’ve never heard of such a thing.”
“Well, you haven’t heard of much, then,” said the Calf. “I suppose you haven’t even heard of dry champagne?”
34“Oh yes, I have,” said Girlie, “and often wondered what it meant.”
“Very well, then, this is dry water; it’s the same sort of thing,” said the Calf. “Step in, and you will see; you needn’t be afraid; make haste.”
After a little hesitation, Girlie walked to the edge of the water, and, before she could realise what had happened, she felt herself pushed “splash” into the pond by the Fish, who had followed closely behind her. Strangely enough, she did not feel frightened, but only very indignant, when she found herself sinking rapidly through the water.
“Dear me! I wonder how long I shall be reaching the bottom,” she thought: “it seems to be getting very dark, so I suppose that I must be a good way down by this time.”
She hadn’t time to speculate much longer, however, for she suddenly found herself stopping before a barrier at an underground station. A ticket porter was holding out his hand.
“Tickets, please,” he shouted in a loud voice.
“I’m very sorry, but I haven’t one,” said Girlie.
“Defrauding the Company, infringement of by-laws. Penalty, forty pounds!” said the Porter severely.
“Oh dear!” said Girlie, feeling really alarmed, “I didn’t 36know that I had to take a ticket.” And, when she came to think of it, she didn’t see how she could have done so.
“What class did you travel?” asked the Porter suddenly.
“I don’t know,” said Girlie, feeling dreadfully puzzled; “I don’t think that it was any class at all; besides, it was so dark that I couldn’t see.”
“Oh! that’s all very fine,” said the Porter, “but——”
 
“‘GO IN DIRECTLY AND FINISH SCRUBBING THE FLOOR.’”
What he meant to say Girlie never knew, for, at that moment, a very stout, cross-looking woman, came through a door at the side of the barrier, and called out in a harsh voice to the Porter:
“Dawdling away your time again, are you? leaving me as usual to do all the work; go in directly and finish scrubbing the floor;” and, catching hold of the poor Porter’s coat collar, she pushed him roughly through the door, slamming it violently after him.
“Now, then, what do you want?” she exclaimed, turning round furiously to Girlie.
“Oh! if you please——” began Girlie nervously, feeling very much alarmed.
“Well, then, I don’t, please,” said the woman, snapping her up before she could finish the sentence; “and if you’re not off this very minute, you’ll catch it, I can tell you.”
Girlie did not wait to be told a second time, but, running 37as quickly as she could along the platform, she hastened up the stairs at the other end. “Oh dear! oh dear!” she panted while she hurried along, “I do hope that all the people here are not so cross and disagreeable as that; although I don’t know, I’m sure,” she thought, “what I should have done about that ticket, if she hadn’t come out and sent the Porter away;” and, finding to her great relief that she was not being followed, Girlie hurried up the stairs.