MARTIN

I'm not averse to having a go at DIY every now and again. I decorated the girls' bedrooms myself, with stencils and everything. (And yes, there were TV cameras there, and the production company paid for every last drop of Day-Glo paint, but that doesn't make it any less of an achievement.) Anyway, if you're a fellow enthusiast then you'll know that sometimes you come across holes that are too big for filler, especially in the bathroom. And when that happens, the sloppy way to do it is to bung the holes up with anything you can find - broken matches, bits of sponge, whatever is to hand. Well, that was Chas's function that night: he was a bit of sponge that plugged a gap. The whole Jess and Chas thing was ludicrous, of course, a waste of time and energy, a banal little sideshow; but it absorbed us, got us down off the roof and even as I was listening to his preposterous speech I could see its value. I could also see that we were going to need a lot more bits of sponge over the coming weeks and months. Maybe that's what we all need, whether we're suicidal or not. Maybe life is just too big a gap to be plugged by filler, so we need anything we can get our hands on - sanders and planers, fifteen-year-olds, whatever -to fill it up.

'Hi, Jess,' said Chas when he was shoved out of the party and on to the street. He was trying to sound cheery and friendly and casual, as if he'd been hoping to bump into Jess at some point during the evening, but his general lack of volition undid him; cheeriness is hard to convey when you are too scared to make eye contact. He reminded me of a petty gangster caught thieving from the local godfather in a movie, out of his depth and desperately trying to suck up in order to save his skin.

'Why wouldn't you talk to me?'

'Yeah. Right. I knew you'd want to know that. And I've been thinking about it. I've been thinking about it very hard, actually, because, you know, it's… I'm not happy about it. It's weak. It's a weakness in me.'

'Don't overdo it, man,' said JJ. There seemed no attempt on anyone's part to pretend that this was going to bear any resemblance to a real conversation.

'No. Right. So. First of all I should say sorry, and it won't happen again. And second of all: I find you very attractive, and stimulating ............