LIGHTS AND SHADOWS OF POLYGAMY—MARRIAGE AND BAPTISM FOR THE DEAD.  
My life was now one continued series of deceptions, as was also that of my husband, and we began habitually to wear the mask when in each other’s presence.
It may have been wrong, perhaps, but I confess that for my husband’s intended bride I felt such a detestation that I could not endure her presence, although I knew that she was not to blame. I believed that I should not have felt it so much if she had been a little older; but to have a mere child placed on a level with me, and to be compelled to treat her with all the respect due to a wife, was so terribly humiliating to me that at times I thought that I could not endure it another day. She, of course, expected to be treated with all the consideration which is proper to a wife, and to be consulted in everything by my husband, as a wife should be. She was not, however, competent to undertake any household duties or wifely cares, and was herself an additional responsibility to me. Young and inexperienced as she was, she had everything to learn; but, at the same time, she stood so much upon her dignity that it was anything but a pleasant task to teach her. It of course devolved upon me to instruct her in everything, and I found it anything but a congenial task. I soon began to look upon her simply as a boarder, and expected nothing more from her than I should if she had really been such.
She took very kindly to this position, and would spend her days in her own room, reading and otherwise amusing herself, and of course was always pleasant and well-dressed to receive her husband. But this did not suit me. In fact I do not know what would have suited me at that time, for I was disposed to be displeased with everything. And yet a visitor to our house would, I have no doubt, have, said, “How very pleasantly those two wives get along together!” This has been said of scores of women in Utah by casual observers—Gentiles, who thought[307] they “understood” the system. How little do they know the aching void and the bitter hatred which exists in the hearts of those wives—the detestation which they have of one another! How little can they know, when everything is so carefully hidden, even from their husbands! It is a shameful thing that women, faithful wives and mothers, should be placed in such a position.
How many times during the day have I been compelled to leave everything and rush to my chamber, and there on my bended knees supplicate for strength to endure, thinking all the time that, in ordaining this Revelation, God had given us a burden greater than we could bear!
Then in the evening, when we were assembled together in our cosy parlour, as we were wont to be, all traces that remained of the terrible struggle which I had endured were a sad countenance and perhaps the deepening lines upon my brow, which contrasted unpleasantly with the bright and cheerful face of the young wife, and made my husband feel that I was getting very sour in my disposition, as indeed was probably the case.
Things and actions, which at another time I should have considered too trifling to notice, had now a painful significance to me. On one occasion, not long after the wedding, my husband asked me to take a walk with him, and I consented. Among the Mormons it is a custom to take their wives out together very frequently. Their object, I presume, is to display the “jewels” in their crowns before the eyes of their less fortunate brethren. I had resolved that I would never submit to this; if my husband would not take me out alone, I would stay at home. On the occasion I mention, when I came out of my room ready dressed, I found him and his wife, Belinda, waiting and chatting pleasantly together, and looking unutterable love at each other—at least, so I thought—and I felt greatly insulted and annoyed, and told them I did not wish to go. I carefully avoided showing any outbursts of temper before the young lady, which I thought would be undignified, for I desired at least that she should respect me, though I did not want her love. If I had expected that they would urge me to accompany them, I should have been greatly mistaken, for my refusal appeared to be just what they wanted. They tripped off together as light-hearted and happy as children, while I remained rooted to the spot, tearing my pocket-handkerchief to pieces, and wishing I could do the same with them.
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I used sometimes to wonder whether it would be the same in the Mormon heaven, where this Celestial Order of Marriage is expected to be carried out in all its fullness, and I felt troubled for myself. These dreadful feelings would, I believed, be the ruin of my soul, and I thought it was impossible for me to obtain salvation until I had entirely subdued them—and that I had not power yet to do. I had, however, so concealed what I felt, that my husband believed that I was becoming used to this new life.
Day after day my rebellious soul was agitated by the same troubled feelings. There was no rest for me—nothing upon which I could stay my mind. My husband was painfully aware that there was a coldness and restraint existing between his young wife and myself, and I know that he was grieved by it, for he had tried in every way to create a friendly feeling between us. I felt, however, that it was utterly impossible that I could ever be affectionate towards his other wife, much as I might strive. I would do my duty, but I could not love her, or, in fact, him either for that matter, when he was associated with her. I regret to be obliged to confess such a truth; but from that time, and as long as I remained in Mormonism, the sentiment that was uppermost in my mind was an utter detestation of the whole system. I despised myself for being the abject slave that I was. Why could I not have the moral courage to set everything at defiance—Revelation and all—and free myself from the bondage that enthralled me?
I know this day scores of women in Utah who think and feel exactly as I did then, who suffer wrongs against which their hearts daily and hourly rebel, but who, like me, dread to cast aside the yoke of the oppressor.
At that time, in respect to pecuniary matters, we were very comfortably off. Almost immediately after our arrival in Utah, Mr. Stenhouse had found employment on the staff of the Deseret News. Before long he obtained the appointment of postmaster for Salt Lake City, and before his marriage with Miss Pratt he had started the Telegraph, the first daily paper that was ever published in Utah. From the beginning it had been remarkably successful; for Brigham had counselled the people to sustain it, knowing very well that he himself would in return be supported by my husband. Brigham had no more devoted follower than Mr. Stenhouse was then, for the scales had not yet fallen from his eyes, and he believed the Prophet was really what he claimed to be—a faithful servant of God. True, we had frequently talked together of his very mean[309] actions; but my too generous, or perhaps too credulous, husband had attributed all that to the weakness of his human nature, and would not believe that it affected his priesthood. He therefore sustained him strongly and consistently before the public; not for gain, for he had given too many instances of his devotion to be suspected of that; but I may say from pure attachment, for I know too well that at that time he was almost ready to lay down his life for the sake of his religion.
The Telegraph soon became the leading journal in Utah, and in a little while we were surrounded by every comfort and luxury which at that time could be procured in Salt Lake City. No family in the Territory was better provided for than was ours, not excepting Brigham Young’s. I had always believed that if my husband were left alone, untrammelled by the Church, to make his own way, he would do so successfully. In this I was not mistaken. We now owned a fine dwelling-house, a valuable city lot and house, where the paper was printed, and also another very desirable lot, near to Brigham Young’s residence. This last lot was my own; it was very beautifully situated, and we expended on it upwards of three thousand dollars. Everything that my husband undertook at that time seemed to prosper—not excepting his love affairs.
Just then a great deal was whispered privately about certain murders which had been committed, all knowledge of which was strenuously denied by the authorities. When any case was so notorious that it could not possibly be altogether hushed up, we were told that the murdered persons were dangerous people, and had been killed in self-defence by those whom they in the first instance had attacked.
My husband, like hundreds of others, was never in the confidence of the Church authorities in these matters. He believed firmly in the divine mission of Joseph Smith, and shut his eyes to the actions of Brigham Young, thinking that he alone would be responsible to the Lord for his misdeeds. When I drew his attention to the inconsistency of Brigham’s conduct, as on more than one occasion I did, he said we had enough to do to look at home and see that we ourselves did what was right. This, of course, was true; but I thought, nevertheless, that a little more consistency on Brigh............