Useful! I was making myself useful! The captain's words rang in my ears. I remembered how I had wondered quite lately what use my life was, and who in the world would have suffered by it, or missed me if I had disappeared. Instead of which I filled a place well, to-day. My death would have been a loss. I certainly exaggerated the importance of my r?le, but the satisfaction each evening of having kept intact or added to the strength which was given to me, was so sweet to me.
It did me more credit, perhaps, than some of the others. I had always professed not only a lack of curiosity about all manual labour, but a disgust of it. It was the stupidity of a young intellectual inclined to consider everything which did not show off the superior play of thought as a vulgar task. Who would dream how far I carried this detachment? The farthest I ever got, towards the end of my term of service, was to do up the buckles of my pack,—Guillaumin always had to help me. I had begun to realise during the last few days what grandeur may lie in the fulfilment of humble duties. A leader of men, especially in the modest sphere in which I gravitated owing to my lowly rank, has no right to shirk any subjection. He does not get into touch with his subordinates, or[Pg 358] inspire them with complete esteem and confidence, unless he succeeds in proving to them that even in the field of everyday tasks, he is cleverer, better informed, and more expert than they are. The complete man calmly considers all the difficulties which may arise, from the most trivial to the most serious, and being unworthy of none of them, considers none of them unworthy of him.
So I no longer avoided, but rather sought, occasions to expend myself. I followed Guillaumin's example, and drew on all I had read and remembered. To speak the truth, when I tried, inexperienced as I was, to put my ideas into practice, my advice was not very much to the point.
Bouillon doubled up with laughter when I told him to damp the case of his water-bottle, or again when we got to our quarters that rainy evening and I advised him to stuff his boots with dry straw.
"Go an' teach yer grandfather! Just take a look at yours, an' see if I 'aven't done it!"
The last of my poilus could have put me right on endless questions of a practical nature. Quite so! But I could be useful to them in other ways. Once when arms were being cleaned, Gaudéreaux had seen fit to take his repeating apparatus to pieces, and came to grief over putting it together again. He called me to his aid. It was a difficult problem. Guillaumin certainly offered me his help, but I refused it, anxious to find out how to do it myself. It took me a long time, but I succeeded at last, which was satisfactory.
There was a large field open to me. I had retained the knowledge I had acquired as an instructor of recruits. It was not a question of worrying the men with theories, but they willingly collected to have[Pg 359] friendly chats, and ended by enjoying the séances, where one evening, after having explained the principles of orientation to them, I taught them how to recognise the Great Bear and the Polar Star. On other days we went into other matters: to do with the advance under fire, of the artillery and infantry (we knew all about that!), of the supply of ammunition and the commissariat; or of subjects vaster still—Germany's ambitions, and the causes of the present war. When we were marching we organised competitions in judging distances. We picked out a tree or a house, and then each one had to calculate how many steps he expected to take, and count them afterwards to see how far out he was. Lamalou proved to be extraordinarily gifted in this respect. He was never more than twenty yards out. We would find a way of making use of that.
After a few tentative v............