Would it be a surprise to hear that not for one instant during that time did I experience the faintest shadow of discouragement? And yet I did not shut my eyes to the truth. I did not in the least disregard the desperately critical element in our position. My steadfastness arose, I believe, from the deep-rooted conviction that if, in such circumstances, the nation abandoned the least iota of her self-confidence, all would be up with her and with us. I was conscious of being a molecule participating in the whole. The slightest faltering on my part would have diminished the strength of my platoon, of my company, of the whole regiment. In the same way, I thought, my energy must raise it and reinforce it. And besides, my will did not need stiffening, I was steeped in serene faith, infinitely more convinced of our final success, all through this retreat, which resembled a disaster, than I had been a few days before, when I kept watch at the outposts of a victorious army. "Just wait a little," I repeated to myself obstinately. Our adversary was gaining an advantage, driving us in front of him. Very well! We were suffering, and we should suffer endless ills,—especially when autumn came on,—desertions, partial mutinies might occur. Everyone counted on some terrible epidemic. There would be[Pg 324] nothing surprising in new and still more serious defeats. Yes, but afterwards, afterwards? Afterwards, I conceived a limit to our misfortunes, but not to our resources. I discerned in myself, in us, a capacity for resistance against which the effort of the enemy would spend itself in vain however tenacious it might be. To what must I attribute the expansion of my strength of mind? I asked myself then, and have considered it since.
To the boon, first of all, of being descended from that sturdy stock. I remembered the vitality my mother had always shown. Had she not nursed me at night during my long illnesses for three weeks at a time, without neglecting one of her duties during the day? And my father, and his behaviour from one end to the other of the preceding war! Taken prisoner once, wounded twice, he considered the armistice shamefully premature after six months of incessant fighting.
On searching my memory, I did not fail to find indication of the force latent in me, which had had no opportunity of increasing owing to the paltry conditions of my life as a young well-to-do bourgeois. That Rugby semi-final for the inter-school championship, played between my college and the "Lilies of the Valley" from Bourdeaux. Our opponents, favoured by the wind and sun, had kept the game in our "twenty-five" nearly all the first half, and had scored four tries and two goals. That meant a beating for us; despair in our team. I can see myself at half-time, ceasing to suck my lemon in order to make a manly speech to my fourteen comrades. In the second half, we kicked off, got the play into their "twenty-five," and in our turn, scored two tries, the second of which was converted.[Pg 325] We could not have gained more satisfaction by beating them, than we did by avoiding a humiliating defeat.
Does the comparison make you smile?
But I belonged to a generation which had already profited by the proud lesson of sport. I had pursued all the most violent athletics, less on rational than on passionate grounds, and for the delights of self-love which bear such a wonderful attraction for youthful hearts. I had run, boxed, and swum. I had been broken into the games where the individual learns to collaborate unselfishly with his partners. I bear witness to the nobility of that school. Without suspecting it I had gained a moral education there. One comes out tempered for any struggle, after having tried conclusions with rival energies over and over again in friendly meetings.
And even if I had gained nothing but the bodily benefit!
The play of my muscles and organs was free and healthy and unhampered. Well fed as we were, except on one or two occasions, I could have gone to the world's end. As I became hardened, I no longer got as tired as I had on the first days. I lay down to sleep, never mind where, and I slept. On waking up all I felt was a suspicion of stiffness, nothing more. The first advance! How often I was lucky enough to be able to give a helping hand to some man, by carrying his rifle or his load for him for an hour or two. My own pack sat lightly on me, seemed to have become part of me. I remember how distracted I was one day—I must have left it on the bank just now, I exclaimed, during the long halt...!
Guillaumin saw that I was not laughing, it was he[Pg 326] who exploded: My pack? It had been plastered on to my shoulders the whole blessed time!
Another motive for my strength of mind, the chief one, was my correspondence.
There were many complaints during those weeks, about the delay in the postal service. With us—I can only state the fact—it worked adequately, no, admirably. I have described how the baggage-master caught us up, the day after "Spincourt." By some knack, or lucky chance, we saw him arrive twice more during the week, trotting cheerily along behind his lean mare. He was a good sort, and related his adventures, which others might have called feats of prowess. How many times had he just missed being killed, wounded, or taken prisoner! These were reliable accounts: his cart had been riddled, and the splinter of a shell had pulverised one of his post-bags one day. Neither he nor his beast had ever been touched.
The s............