“Of ups and downs we daily see Examples most surprising,
The high and low of each degree,
Now falling are, now rising.
 
Some up, some down, some in, some out,
Home neither one nor t'other;
Knaves—fools—Jews—Gentiles—join the rout,
And jostle one another.
 
By ups and downs some folks they say
Among grandees have got, Sir,
Who were themselves but yesterday
The Lord knows who, or what, Sir.
 
Sans sense or pence, in merits chair,
They dose and dream supine 0;
But how the devil they came there,
That neither you nor I know.”
 
[282] The departure of Merrywell left our three friends at perfect liberty, and they were determined to enjoy it as much as possible during Sparkle's visit. The remainder of the evening was therefore devoted to the retracing of past events, in which they had formerly been engaged together, in drinking success to Merrywell's journey, and in laying down some plans for the proceedings of the next day. On the latter subject, however, there were as many opinions as there were persons. The Hon. Tom Dash all proposed going to the Review—Sparkle was for a journey to Gravesend in the steam-boat, with the religious friends who were to accompany Lord Gambier—and Tallyho proposed a visit to the Tower of London, in order to inspect its interior. It was therefore left undecided till the morning, which proving extremely inviting, they determined to sally forth, and leave the direction of their course wholly to chance, as they had many times done before.
[283] Sparkle's relish for the sprees and sports of a London life, was evidently injured by his residence in the country; though at the same time former scenes and former circumstances rushing occasionally upon his sight and his recollection, appeared to afford him gratification and delight.
“And how,” said Sparkle, addressing himself to Tallyho, “do you like the scene of ever varying novelty—has it lost any of its charms since I saw you last?”
“By no means,” replied Tallyho; “for although many of them are grown familiar to me, and many are also calculated to excite painful feelings, I am not yet tired of the inquiry. I set out with the intention to contemplate men and manners as they actually are, and I conceive a useful lesson for instruction and improvement may be afforded by it.”
“Right,” continued Sparkle, “real life is a most excellent school; and if in imbibing the instruction with which it is fraught, the judgment is not misled, or the mind vitiated none can be more important to mankind.”
“Come,” said Tom, “I see you are getting into one of your moralizing strains, such as you left us with. Now I am well aware that you have an excellent acquaintance with the pursuits you are speaking of, and have enjoyed them as much as myself; nor can I conceive that your temporary absence has wrought such a change in your opinion, as to make you wholly disregard the amusements they afford. So come along, no more preaching; “and thus saying, he seized him by one arm, while Tallyho closed upon the other; and they proceeded on their way along Piccadilly towards the Haymarket.
“Besides,” continued Dashall, “every day makes a difference in this metropolis; so that even you who have proved yourself so able a delineator of men and things as they were, may still find many things deserving of your observation as they are.”
“I do not doubt it,” was the reply; “and consequently expect, that having just arrived from rural felicity, you will direct my footsteps to the most novel scene of metropolitan splendour or extraordinary character.”
[284] “Character is an abundant and everlasting supply of humour and eccentricity for an observant quiz like yourself, and being fly to most occurrences either in town or country, I shall rather confine myself to the most remarkable circumstances that happen to strike my recollection us we proceed. The first that occurs at this moment, is the opening of a new establishment in Regent-street, under the title of the Cafe Royale, to which, as we have not yet paid a visit, I propose now to direct your steps.”
“Cafe Royale” repeated Sparkle, “there is something Frenchified in the sound. I suppose it is quite in the tip top stile of elegance.”
“So says report.”
“Then allons,—but as we proceed, I beg to ask one question. If it be considered important in a national point of view, that the superior elegancies of our Parisian neighbours should be engrafted on our own habits, and that an establishment of this nature should be formed, with a view of its becoming the resort of rank and fashion, whether any good reason can be given why such an establishment, in an English city for Englishmen, should not have an English title?”
“A most extraordinary question for a fashionable man.”
“It may be so,” continued Sparkle; “but you must attribute it to my country habits of thinking: however, as I like argument better than assertion, I see no reason to abandon my question. The adoption of any thing foreign, is only rational in proportion as it is useful or agreeable; for foreign wines, foreign fruits, foreign made coffee, &c. no one can be a greater advocate than myself; but I apprehend that these good things may taste as well, whether the room in which they are taken be called by a French or an English name.”
“That is a truth so self evident as to require no reply; and really I can give no sort of reason for the adoption of a French title, unless it be with a view to give it that air of novelty which invariably proves attractive to Johnny Bull; and I think I need not attempt to explain to you the importance of a title.”
“However,” said Sparkle, “I cannot help thinking, that if the place alluded to is to become a permanent establishment, it would become an Englishman to have an English name for it. We need not be ashamed of our language, although some folks disdain to use it, if they can find any substitute, however inapt. Why should it not be called the Royal Coffee-house, the King's Coffee-house, the Patrician, the Universal, or in fact any thing, so that it be English?”
[285] “Because,” said Tallyho, “those titles are already engrossed by newspaper editors, coffee-shops of a lower order, magazines, &c.: for instance, we have the Royal Magazine, the Universal Magazine; and consequently these are all grown common, and any thing common is extremely vulgar.”
“Besides,” continued Dashall, “Cafe Royale is a mouthful, without attacking its contents; and the very sound of it seems to impart a taste, before you approach it, of what may be obtained in the interior. Zounds! this country life of your's seems to have altered your opinions, and almost obliterated your former education: I never had any relish for it.”
“In town let me live, and in town let me die, For in truth 1 can't relish the country, not I: If one must have a villa in summer to dwell, Oh give me the sweet shady side of Pall Mall.”
By this time they had reached the Cafe Royale, and upon entrance were ushered by a man in blue livery, with gold laced trimmings, into an apartment far exceeding in splendour any thing that their previous conversation had led them to expect. The walls, formed of looking glass and rich tapestry, and ornamented in a fanciful manner, reflected their persons as they passed along at every point; while the choicest flowers and shrubs, with which they were surrounded, sent forth a delightful fragrance, and gave some distant idea of Eastern luxuries.
“Here,” said the Hon. Tom Dashall, “is elegance at least; and if the accommodations are found to be equally good, it can be of little consequence to us whether the place itself have an English or a foreign name.”
“I confess,” replied Sparkle, “that I still conceive, that as a place of resort appropriated to the upper ranks of natives and foreigners, magnificent in its decorations, superior in its accommodations, and conducted with skill and liberality, to become truly national and deserving of support, it should be honoured with an English title.”
“And that it certainly is,” continued Dashall, “not only one but many, for nobility is frequently to be found within its walls; nay, a proof of it appears at this moment, for there is Lord P——— and Lord C——— now entering; but come, let us try the coffee, catch a view of the papers, and proceed.”
[286] They had now seated themselves near an elderly gentleman, who seemed to be in deep contemplation, occasionally rubbing his hands with apparent gratification, and shaking his head with importance, while he glanced over a newspaper which lay before him.
“I should judge,” said Tallyho, “he is a member of parliament, probably conning over the report of his last night's speech in the House.”
“Or probably,” said Dashall, “an author in search of ideas for his next publication, wherein he intends to cut up the ministers and their measures.”
“Yes,” continued Sparkle, “or a quack doctor, examining if the editor has given insertion to his new flaming advertisement, wherein he promises to perform what is utterly impossible to be accomplished.”
“I wonder if he can speak,” said Tom, laying clown the paper; “I'll try him.—A fine morning, Sir.”
As this was directed immediately to meet the old gentleman's ear, he looked up for the first time since they had entered.
“Beautiful, Sir,” was the reply—and here the conversation ceased again.
“Excellent coffee,” said Sparkle,—“is there any news to-day, Sir?” endeavouring to rouse him again.
“There is always news, Sir,” was the reply, taking a plentiful supply of snuff.
“Of one sort or other,” continued Bon.
“Why yes, have we not every day a quantity of newspapers that make their appearance with the sun?”
“Truly,” replied Sparkle; “but you could hardly misunderstand me—I alluded to something out of the common run of events; such, for instance, as relates to the interests of the nation, the agricultural distress, the distress of the Irish, the state of the American independents, the proceedings of the Spanish cortes, and the French chamber; the movements of the Greeks, the operations of Turkey and Russia, or the—or—”
“Why, Sir, your inquiries are very rational; and as I perceive you have a desire for intelligence, and I have at all times a desire to impart such as I am in possession of for the benefit of others, the newspapers have abundance of information; but I must say the editors, though men of education and intelligence, are not always well informed: besides, Sir, there is no reliance on their assertions; many valuable and important secrets are in the hands of individuals, which never find their way into the public journals.”
[288] Having proceeded thus far, our three friends were all anxiety to continue what now assumed the appearance of an interesting conversation.
“The nation is gull'd by misrepresentation, from the high to the low one system is acted upon; but I have a document in my pocket which came into my possession in rather an extraordinary manner, and is as extraordinary in its contents; it was thrust into my hand on my way here by a stranger, who instantly disappeared.”
“A curious salute,” observed Tom; “probably some state paper, some information on foreign affairs, or a petition to be presented to the House.”
“The fact is, Sir, as I had no conversation with the stranger, I was ignorant of the importance of the document; but upon opening it, judge of my astonishment, when I found it concerned a Prince well known to the British nation, whose interests depend on its support.”
“O ho,” said Sparkle, “then perhaps it is of a delicate nature, and more attaching to private circumstances than public affairs.”
“You shall hear, Sir.—It was an appeal to myself, amongst others, in which Russia was stated to be in such connection with Greece, that the heads of this kingdom could not but be conscious of the important results; results, Sir, that were enough to make one's hair stand on end; indeed, I have never been able to dismiss the subject from my mind since I first cast my eye over the information.”
“Zounds, then,” cried Dashall, “there is much to be apprehended.”
“It is impossible for me,” continued the old gentleman, “to say how far the distinguished person to whom I have alluded has already, or may hereafter succeed in the objects he has in view; but this I think certain, that if he can but interest the Poles on his side, his affairs must thrive.”
The Hon. Tom Dashall by this time was puzzled with the lengthened introduction this gentleman was giving; he sipped his coffee—looked grave—smiled, took up the paper—pretended to read—then laid it down again.
[288] Sparkle looked wise, and betrayed his anxiety by moving closer to the communicant. Tallyho fixed his eyes on the old gentleman, with an apparent desire to count the words he uttered.
“In the meantime,” continued the interesting stranger, “he is so indefatigable in diffusing through all ranks of society, by means of the press and private agents, a knowledge of the power he has of smoothing the way to success, that the crown ought to receive his proffered aid for its own benefit.”
“Then,” said Sparkle, “it really is a document of public importance: if not too great a favour, might we be allowed a sight of the———”
“The document,—Oh certainly, Sir,” said he, hastily rising and drawing a printed paper from his pocket; “I will leave it with you:” then throwing it on the table, he made a precipitate retreat.
The little care which the old gentleman seemed to take of this scrap of importance, struck them all with wonder.
“A rum old codger,” said Tom; “and I recommend his observations, as well as the produce of his pocket, to the serious consideration of our friend Sparkle, who will perhaps read this paper for the benefit of us all.”
Sparkle, who by this time had unfolded this mysterious paper, burst into a hearty laugh; and as soon as he could command his risibility, he read as follows:
“PRINCE'S RUSSIA OIL, For promoting the growth of Hair.”
“And Sparkle introduced to Greece,” said Tom.—“Well, the old buck has paid you off for your interruption: however, he has certainly proved his own assertion, that there is no reliance on any body.”
“A mountain in labour,” continued Tom,—“I think he had you in a line, however.”
“I cannot help thinking,” replied Sparkle, “that there is a great similarity between him and some of our most popular parliamentary orators, for he has said a great deal to little purpose; but come, let us move on, and lose no more time in the French coffee house, discussing the merits or virtues of Russia oil.”
[289] This proposition being acceded to, our friends now took their way along Pall Mall, where the improvements recently made struck Sparkle with pleasure and delight; the appearance of new and elegant houses occupying the situation of buildings of a shabby and mean exterior, and the introduction of new streets, were subjects of considerable admiration.
“The rapidity of alterations in London,” said Sparkle, “are almost inconceivable.”
“That remark,” replied Tom, “only arises from your late absence from the scene of action; for to us who frequently see their progress, there is but little to excite wonder. Now for my part I am more astonished in present times, when so many complaints are made of distress, that occupiers can be found for them, and also seeing the increase of buildings at every part of the environs of London, where tenants can be found to occupy them.”
“I confess,” said Tallyho, “that is a subject which I have often thought upon without being able to come to any reasonable conclusion; it appears to me to prove a great increase of population, for although I am aware of the continued influx of new comers from the country, the towns and villages appear as full as ever.”
“I am not able to solve the mystery to my own satisfaction,” replied Sparkle, “in either case, though I cannot help acknowledging the facts alluded to. It however seems in this place to prove the correctness of the Poet's lines, who says,
“Wherever round this restless world we range,
Nothing seems constant saving cons............