My son, time was when by necessity, (Nought else could move me to the enterprize,)
My steps were urg'd to London's wide domains,
I made my will, as prudent friends advis'd;—
For little wot they, that beset with peril,
I ever should return.—Safe though thou speed'st
To London's wond'rous mart, thy pleasaut way,
Think not that dangers cease, they but begin,
When ent'ring the metrop'lis; slowly then
Receive even Friendship's overtures, and shun
The softer sex their wiles and blandishments;
Walk cautiously the streets, of crowds beware,
And wisely learn to fly each latent snare.
[185] AMONGST other occurrences of the preceding day, Cousin Bob adverted, at the breakfast table, to the confused intermixture of carriages, dissonant din of attendant lacqueys clamouring for vehicles, and the dangers occasioned by quarrelsome coachmen, precipitately, and at all hazards, rushing forwards to the doors of a mansion, on the breaking-up of a route, each claiming, and none willing to concede precedency in taking up their masters and mistresses,—” I am surprised,” said the Squire, “that any rational being would sacrifice his time and comfort in making one of an assemblage where within doors you are pressed to the dread of suffocation, and in making your exit, are environed by peril and difficulty.”
“Such,” rejoined Dashall, “are the follies of fashion. Its influence predominates universally; and the votarists of bon ton, are equally assiduous in the pursuit of their object, whether with the satellites in the gay and volatile regions of the court, or amongst those of 'sober fame' in the mercantile bustle of the city. In the purlieus of the great, bon ton is characterized by inconvenience; four or Ave hundred people, for example, invited to crowd a suite of rooms not calculated to accommodate half the number, the squeeze must be delightful! But
?Custom in every thing liears sovereign sway!'
[186] thence yield the followers of High Life in the West to the follies of fashion, where the enjoyment of ease is a subordinate, if not altogether exploded consideration.—Eastward on the other hand:
?I loves High Life, and all the joys it yields,'
Says Madam Fussick, warm from Spitalfields.
?High Life's the day, 'twixt Saturday and Monday,
?And riding in a one-horse chay on Sunday,
??Tis drinking tea on summer afternoons,
?At Bagnigge Wells, in china and gilt spoons.'”
 
“Again,” added the Squire, “what a vast expence is incurred by these idle and ostentatious displays of luxury, without one object of advantage gained!”
“Unproductive result,” rejoined Tom, “is not always the case; it not unfrequently happens that a route and card-party are united; when the lady of the mansion generally contrives, by skill and finesse, to transfer a portion of the spoil into her own private treasury; and notwithstanding expense, there are those who have given splendid routes and entertainments, and at the same time, recruited their exhausted finances, at the sole charges of incautious tradesmen, who notwithstanding repeated losses, yet absorbed in the love of gain, become the dupes of avarice and credulity.—In the elucidation of my remark,—
?If old assertions can't prevail,
Be pleased to hear a modern tale.'
“Not long since,” continued Dashall, “an aspiring young limb of the law, of property, in expectancy (but that is neither here nor there) and fertile in expedient, contrived to insinuate himself into the good fellowship of a few bon vivants; and resolving to irradiate with ?surprising glory' the galaxy of fashion, he furnished a house, by permission of an accommodating upholsterer, in a style of magnificence, and decorated a side-board with a splendid service of plate, borrowed auspiciously for the occasion from a respectable silversmith, on a promise of liberal remuneration and safe return; after effecting the object of its migration, in dazzling the eyes of his honourable friends at his projected entertainment.
[187] “Amidst the busy 'note of preparation,' the important day at last arrived; the suite of apartments became thronged with company, and every one admired the elegance of the furniture; the tasteful ornaments of the rooms; the brilliancy of the lights and massive construction of the valuable family plate! In fact every thing conspired to give eclat to the scene, and confirm the friends of the founder of the feast in their belief alike of his exquisite judgment and high respectability.
“The silversmith, that he might not appear indelicately obtrusive, let a few days elapse after this grand gala had taken place, before he applied for restoration of his property, the borrower congratulated him on his good fortune, told him, that several friends had very much admired the plate, and even expressed an intention of ordering similar services; and that with regard to the borrowed plate, he had taken so strong a fancy to it, as to feel disposed to become a purchaser, if the price was reasonable, and an adequate consideration was made for prompt payment.
“The silversmith, who chuckled inwardly at the prospect of extending his business, and connecting himself with so many 'honourable men,' gratefully expressed his acknowledgments, and assuring him of liberal dealing, the several items of the borrowed plate were examined and dilated upon, the price of each article, after much higgling, was ultimately fixed, the sum total ascertained, and an early clay appointed for a final settlement of the accompt. It never was the intention of the borrower to return the plate, but he now had achieved a great object, by entirely changing the whole complexion of the business; he had now converted fraud into debt, and happen what might, the silversmith could only sue him on a civil process, which against a limb of the law, and as such, privileged from arrest, must be tedious and uncertain, whereas, had he made away with the plate, without accomplishing the object of this last manouvre, (such is the indiscriminating severity of English law,) that he might have been amenable to the punishment of felony!
“Now comes the reckoning when the banquet's o'er! the parties met for final settlement, when behold! the accepted purchaser offers the silversmith a bill at a month; he refuses it indignantly, and consults his solicitor as to the possibility of compelling the restoration of the plate; but the lawyer told him, that on his own shewing this could not be done. The silversmith had now no other resource than that of taking the [188] proposed bill, and waiting the expiration of the month, for payment. In the meanwhile, the debtor exhibiting the talent of an able conveyancer, transmuted the silver into gold, and now laughs at the credulity of London tradesmen, and sets the silversmith at defiance!”{1}
1 This incident, as related by Dash all, actually and very
recently occurred.
 
An interesting and useful volume might be compiled on the
subject of frauds practised on London tradesmen. Many of
these tricks have been highly characteristic of ingenuity.
The following is a ludicrous instance of female stratagem.
We give the article literally, as it occurred.
 
A few days ago, a female, apparently a person of rank,
visited in her carriage, towards the evening, a Silk
Mercer's Shop, westward of Temple Bar, where she made
choice, for purchase, of silks and other rich articles of
feminine dress and decoration, to the value of above fifty
pounds.    Her manner was that of a perfectly well-bred
gentlewoman, and her person displayed no small portion of
attractive and elegant accomplishment.    Having completed
her selection, she expressed much regret that she could not
pay the amount of the bill on the instant: “But,"she
continued, “it is a delightful evening; my house is in the
suburbs of town; a short and easy ride will prove a pleasant
recreation, and if you will accompany me home in  my
carriage, you shall, on our arrival, be immediately paid.”
 The mercer was  more gallant of spirit than to reject the
courtesy of a lady so fair and fascinating, and accepting
with pleasure the proferred  honour, the vehicle soon
reached its destination.    The lady first alighted, taking
with her, into an  elegant mansion, the articles of
purchase;  the mercer presently followed, was shewn into a
handsome drawing-room, and received with much politeness, by
apparently by a gentleman of the faculty.—A silence of a
few minutes  ensued, when  the mercer inquired for the lady,
observing, at the same time, that it was necessary he should
return to town immediately.    The courteous physician
recommended silence, and the mercer became irritated and
clamorous for his money and freedom of exit.   Two
attendants making their appearance, they were directed to
conduct the patient to his apartment.    The mercer
suspecting that he was the dupe of artifice, grasped a
poker, with the intention of effect-ing, at all  hazard, his
liberation from “durance vile,” but his efforts had no other
result than that of confirming his trammels, and he was
presently bound over to keep the peace, under the guarantee
of a straight-waistcoat!   The unfortunate mercer now told a
“plain unvarnished tale,” which gained  the attention of the
humane physician, who was no other than the proprietor of
the mansion, in which he managed its concerns as an Asylum
for Lunatics.    The lady who accompanied the mercer to the
house, had been with the physician the preceding day, and
made arrangements with him for the reception  of an insane
patient.—It was now discovered that she had come under a
fictitious name; had retreated in the hired vehicle with the
mercer's property; and had adopted this curious stratagem,
the more effectually to silence suspicion and prevent
detection.
[189] This detail threw the Squire into a train of rumination, on the tricks and chicanery of metropolitan adventurers; while Dashall amused himself with the breakfast-table concomitant, the newspaper. A few minutes only elapsed, when he laid it aside, approached the window, and seeing a funeral pass, in procession, along the street, he turned towards his Cousin, and interrupted his reverie with the following extemporaneous address:—
“Dost thou observe,” he said, “yon sable tribe
Of death anticipates?—These are they
Who, when men die, rejoice!   all others else
Of human kind, shed o'er departed friends
The tear of reminiscence; these prowlers
Hunt after Death, and fatten on his prey!
Mark now their measur'd steps, solemn and slow,
And visage of each doleful form, that wears
The semblance of distress; they mourn for hire,
And tend the funeral rites with hearts of stone!
Their souls of apathy would never feel
A moment's pang were Death at one fell sweep,
Even all their relatives to hurl from earth!—
Knaves there exist among them who defraud
The grave for sordid lucre; who will take
The contract price for hurrying to the tomb
The culprit corse the victim of the law,
But lay it where?   Think'st thou in sacred ground!
No!  in the human butcher's charnel-house!
Who pleas'd, reserves the felon for the knife,
And bribes the greater villain with a fee!”
 
Cousin Bob was very much surprised by this sudden effusion, and inquiring the source of inspiration, Dashall put into his hands the newspaper, pointing to the following extraordinary communication, extracted verbatim.{1}
1 The King v. Cundick.—This was an indictment against the
defendant, undertaker to the Horsemonger-lane gaol, for a
mis-demeanour, in corruptly selling for dissection the body
of a capital convict, after he had been executed, contrary
to his duty, in viola-tion of public decency, and the
scandal of religion. There were various counts in the
indictment, charging the offence in different ways.    The
defendant pleaded Not Guilty.
 
The case excited considerable interest, as well for its
unprecedented novelty as the singularity of its
circumstances. It was a public prosecution at the instance
of the Magistracy of the County.
 
Mr. Nolan and Mr. Bolland conducted the case for the Crown;
and Mr. Adolphus, Mr.  Turton, and  Mr.  Ryland, were for
the defence.
 
It appeared in evidence that a capital convict, named Edward
Lee, who had  been tried  and found guilty at the last
Croydon Assizes, of a highway robbery, was publicly executed
at Horse-monger-lane gaol, on Monday, the 10th of September.
After he was cut down he was delivered over to the
defendant, the appointed carpenter and undertaker of the
gaol, for interment at the County's expense, for which he
was allowed  three guineas.    He received particular
directions that the afflicted mother and other friends of
the deceased were to be permitted to see the body before
inter-ment, and follow it to the grave, if they thought
proper.    The friends of the deceased called on the
defendant, who lives in Redcross-street, to know when the
funeral would take place.    He appointed the following day,
Tuesday, the 11th  of September. The unhappy mother of the
deceased, being confined to her bed, was unable to attend
the funeral, but sent a friend to the house of the defendant
to see the body, and cut a lock of its hair.    Application
being made to the defendant for this purpose, he said he had
already buried the body, because he could not keep such
people any longer in his house.    The friend demanded a
certificate of the funeral, which he promised to procure on
a subsequent day, upon paying a fee.    On the Thursday
following the uncle of the deceased called for a certificate
of the burial, but could not get it, the de-fendant then
saying that the body had been buried the day before. The
friends then became clamorous, and complaint being made to
Mr. Walter, the gaoler, he sent repeatedly for the defendant
to come to the gaol and explain his conduct, which he
declined.    At length one of the turnkeys was sent after
him on the Friday, with positive directions to bring him
forthwith.    As soon as the de-fendant found that he was
compelled to go to Mr. Walter, he made an excuse, that he
had some immediate business to attend to, but would meet the
messenger in an hour at a neighbouring public-house.    To
this the turnkey consented, but watched the defendant to his
house, where he saw two or three suspicious looking men
lurking about.    After waiting for some time, the defendant
came to him, and expressed his surprise that he was not gone
to the public-house.    The defendant appeared agitated, and
went off as hard as he could towards the Southwark Iron
Bridge.    A person named Crisp, who was with the turnkey,
went one way after the defendant, and the turnkey another.
The latter went to Crawford's burial ground, where he saw
the same suspicious looking man whom he had observed about
the defendant's house, in the act of interring a coffin.
He immediately interposed, and said the coffin should not be
buried until he examined its contents.    At this moment
the   defendant   came  into   the   burying-ground,   and
seemed  angry at   the   interruption,  and   begged   he
might  be allowed to inter the body, which he acknowledged
was Edward Lee; and excused himself for not burying it
before, by saying, that the pressure of other business
prevented him. The turnkey remonstrated with him for
disobedience of the orders he had received to permit the
friends of the deceased to see the body and attend the
funeral. The defendant seemed greatly perplexed: at length
he took hold of Crisp and the turnkey by the sleeve, and,
with considerable agitation, offered them 10L. each to
permit him to bury the coffin, and say no more about the
matter. This was peremptorily refused. The turnkey insisted
upon opening the coffin, and whilst the defendant went to
explain his conduct to Mr. Walter, he did open it, and found
that it contained nothing but earth. It appeared that the
defendant had been applying to the sexton in the course of
the week for a certificate of the burial, but was unable to
succeed, the body not having been buried. Search was then
made for the body, and at length it was traced to Mr.
Brooks's dissecting rooms in Blenheim-street, Marlborough-
street, where it had undergone a partial dissection. The
upper part of the scull had been removed, but replaced.
Several persons identified the body as that of Edward Lee.
It was proved that about ten o'clock in the evening of
Tuesday, the 11th September, a hackney-coach had stopped at
the defendant's house, and the defendant was seen assisting
two men in lifting a large hamper into the carriage, which
then drove off. This was the substance of the case for the
prosecution.
 
Mr. Adolphus, in an able and ingenious address to the Jury,
contended that the indictment must fail, inasmuch as the
evidence did not satisfy the allegation in the indictment,
that the defendant had sold the body for lucre and gain. Now
there was no proof whatever that it had been sold, which
might have easily been made out, if the fact was so, by
summoning Mr. Brooks, the anatomist. The real fact was, that
the body had been stolen by other persons from the
defendant's house, and the defendant had been driven to the
miserable shifts proved in evidence, in order to conceal the
misfortune, and prevent the loss of his lucrative situation
in the gaol.
 
No witnesses to facts were called for the defendant; but
several persons gave him a good character for honesty and
industry.
 
The Jury, under the learned Judge's directions, found the
defendant Guilty.
[192] The Squire having perused this appalling account of human depravity, expressed himself in energetic terms of indignation against the miscreant, who to the acute miseries of maternal affliction at the premature loss of a son, and by such a death! could add the bitter anguish of consigning his cold remains, unseen by any earthly spirit of sympathy, to the knife of the dissector, in breach of every law moral and divine! In the warmth of his kindly feelings, the Squire would have uttered a curse, had he not been prevented by the entrance of his old friend, Sir Felix O'Grady. The two friends received their quondam acquaintance with much cordiality. “Cuish la mevchree! exclaimed the Baronet, shaking heartily the hands of Tom and Bob; “and how have you done these many long days past?”—This inquiry having been satisfactorily answered, Sir Felix explained the object of his visit:—“Aunts of all sorts, or any sort, or no sort at all at all,” said he, “are cursed bad things, sure enough; as somebody in the play says.”
This abrupt commencement excited the risible feelings of Dashall and his Cousin, which were further stimulated by Sir Felix seriously appealing to their commiseration, under the pressure of misfortune,—“for this same respectable maiden lady, Mrs. Judith Macgilligan, my venerable aunt as aforesaid, has recently imported her antiquated piece of virginity from her native mountains near Belfast, and having had my address pat enough, the worse luck, the sowl, with an affected anxiety for my welfare, must take up her residence, while in town, in the same house with her dutiful nephew, that she may have the opportunity of watching over him in his erratic pursuits, as she says, with maternal solicitude; that is, in other words, to spy into all my actions, and bore me everlastingly with her intolerable company. It was but the blessed morning of yesterday that she took a fancy to exhibit her beautiful person at the lounge in Bond-street;—by-the-bye, this same paragon of perfection has passed her grand climacteric, being on the wrong side of sixty;—is as thin as a lath and as tall as a May-pole;—speaks an indescribable language of the mongrel kind, between Irish and Scotch, of which she is profuse to admiration; and forgetting the antiquity of her person, prides herself on the antiquity of her ancestry so much, that she is said to bear a strong resemblance to her grandmother, judging from the full-length portrait (painted seventy years ago,) of that worthy progenitor of our family, who was a descendent, lineally, from O'Brien king of Ulster, that she copies her dress on all public occasions, to the great amusement and edification of the spectators; and in these venerable habiliments she promenaded Bond-street, hanging on my arm;—by the Powers, till I felt ashamed of my precious charge, for all the world was abroad, and my reverend aunt was the universal magnet of attraction.”
“Well, and you find yourself comfortable,” said Dashall,—“we have all of us foibles, and why expect your aunt to be exempted from them?—Have you any thing in expectance,—is she rich?”
[193] “Twenty thousand pounds, twice told,” replied Sir Felix, “sterling money of Great Britain, in which I have a reversionary interest.”
“Why then,” said Tallyho, “you cannot do better than contribute all in your power to her ease and pleasure; and in exercising this commendable duty, you will gain present satisfaction, and may justly anticipate future benefit.”
“And,” added Dashall, “if my Cousin or myself can by any means further your object, in contributing towards the full attainment of your aunt's amusement while she remains in town, you may command our services.”
“By the powers of fortune,” exclaimed the Baronet............