“——Give me leave to ask a question; Pray, in the King's Bench have you ever been?
The Bench! Good Heaven! how shocking a suggestion!
Was e'er so saucy a companion seen?
 
Well, you ne'er saw the place; or if you did,
?Twere better not too closely to surmise;
Enough, enough, those frowns the thought forbid,
Who sees too much is rarely counted wise;
I rather boast that mine are prudent eyes;
Persons and things so quietly they read,
Nor by a glance confess they scrutinize,
That thoughtless lookers think me blind indeed,
When of themselves I take the strictest heed.
But since you wish me to believe that College
Ne'er gave its finish to your education,
I, of its laws and customs having knowledge,
Ere I take up the thread of my narration,
Must say a little for your information.”
 
THEY had now passed the outer gates of the prison, and entered a court yard surrounded by a wall, which enclosed some good looking houses.
“These houses,” said Dashall, “are occupied by the principal officers of the place, and devoted to purposes of business, or let out by them for the accommodation of those who' have purchased the privilege of the Rules. This door directly opposite the gate, is the only entrance to the Park.”
 Page46 King's Bench 
They next passed up the steps, and entered a gloomy apartment, where after a few minutes a Turnkey, surveying their persons rather minutely, opened the ponderous door, which admitted them to an inner court of confined dimensions. Bob looked around him with surprise after the description of his Cousin, and began to think he had been vamping up imaginary pictures of what was not to be realized; however, hearing a variety of voices, and perceiving another gate, he quelled his conjectures and [47] followed Dashall, who, upon knocking at the door, was surveyed from a sort of loop-hole by the keeper within, who quickly gave them entrance; and the spacious appearance of the parade, racquet ground, and habitations, and a moving panorama of personages of both sexes, attracted his immediate attention.
Gazing with enquiring eyes upon this world-within-walls,{1} they scarcely heeded the variety of salutations with which they were greeted on entering, such as nods, winks, and touches on the shoulder from one who appeared as unconscious of such familiarity as if he had for some time been wholly absorbed in the solution of a mathematical problem, or the horse-laugh of the ignorant and vulgar, by whom they found themselves surrounded. Struggling through the throng, Dashall impelled his Cousin forward, repeating as he proceeded,
“How many o'er this threshold pass that mouru,
Wanting our power at pleasure to return;
A moment let us pause ere we ascend
The gallery that leads us to our friend;
Survey the place, where all that meets your view,
Is full of interest, and strangely new.
Could we but hide those grinning spikes awhile,
Borne spacious barrack we might think the pile.”
 
“However,” continued he, “I perceive we are quizzed, we will just take a turn round, and probably we may meet Merrywell, if not, we will soon find him out by enquiry. You perceive, they have the accommodation of a butcher's shop, and a baker's, besides green stalls, fish stalls, and chandlers' shops, which give the place the appearance of a public market, while the racquet players and others amusing themselves in various ways, resemble that of a fair.”
“Indeed,” said Tallyho, “your description is just, for I have as yet seen but few sorrowful faces, every one seems to have some object in view, either of business or pleasure, almost as attractive as those without the walls.”
[48] “And in many instances,” continued Dashall, “of as much, nay, more interest. However, you perceive the
1 The walls of the King's Bench are about thirty feet high,
sur-mounted by a chevaux de frieze, and as a place of
confinement, it is of great though uncertain antiquity.
accommodation of the inmates has been studied by the founders of the College. Water is well supplied from four pumps, and were it not that the walls intercept the views, a man here might almost consider himself in his own habitation, with only one drawback.”
“And what is that?” enquired Tallyho.
“Merely, that like the starling, he can't get out.”
“How now,” said Merry well, who had espied the entrance of his friends from the window of his apartment, and immediately descended to greet them—touching the Honourable Tom Dashall on the shoulder, while he seized Bob by the opposite arm.
“What are you a'ter, exploring the secrets of the prison-house?”
Mutual congratulations having passed, Merrywell welcomed them to his habitation, significantly informing them at the same time, that notwithstanding his powers of entertainment were just then not what he could wish, all was right, the trick was done, that he was arranging for a house in the Rules, pro tempore, and that it would not be long before he should have the honour of meeting them in a way that would be more agreeable to all parties. “However,” continued he, “if you can bear a confined apartment, I promise you shall have nothing else to complain of. Can you put up with pot-luck in a prison?”
“Certainly,” was the reply, “our object was to spend a convivial hour with you, to wile away a little of the time, to see and learn, to take a peep at things as they are, and to form our judgments upon their existence.”
“Then,” replied Merrywell, “you have arrived en bon heure, for in this place a volume of information may be obtained, which, if judiciously applied, must prove beneficial; and while dinner is preparing, I can afford you abundance of amusement; so come along, we must move round this way to the gate again, in order to take any thing like an accurate survey, and I can furnish some anecdotes of the paraders, the players, the officers of the Court, and the visitors, which cannot fail to prove interesting. This, however, must be done with caution, for suspicion is ever active, and jealousy constantly awake within these walls; and as I mean to give you sketches of individual characters, rather than a general view of [49] the society with which I am now in association, a little discretion may be well made use of.”
“Now let us analyse, but not too loud,
If wise, the composition of this crowd;
Made up from native soil and foreign clime,
Of waste and folly, accident and crime.
Here join the Speculator and the Fool,
Greybeards, and youngsters rather tit for school,
(At least for any school but this alone,
Where College vices in the shade are thrown.)
Of pugilists, of haberdashers, jugglers,
Horse jockeys, swindlers, Bond Street beaux, and smugglers,
By hollow friendship some in prison thrown,
By others' follies some—more by their own.”
 
By this time they had traversed round the open walk of the prison, and on arriving at the place of entrance—
“Do you observe that small building on the right? it is called the State House, and contains the largest and most convenient rooms; it is usually devoted to the accommodation of such as are best enabled to pay; and there are persons residing here, who live as well, and in as dashing a style as those without the walls, or at least pay as much for their living. On the left hand you may also perceive the chapel, for the spiritual wants of those confined are not to be forgotten.”
“There, in the centre, is the chapel door,
With ever changing notices spread o'er:
Whatever doctrines may within be taught,
With words of peace that door is rarely fraught:
For there, mid notices of beds for hire,
Of concerts in the state-house by desire,
Some ill-spelt scrawl demands the mighty debt
Of half a crown, with a ferocious threat;
Some traitorous agent is denounced; some spy,
That blabb'd of gin, is hung in effigy;
Here angry fools proclaim the petty jar,
And clumsy pasquinades provoke to war.”
 
By this time they had reached the door of the Chapel, which, by the various placards pasted against it, fully confirmed the description of Merrywell.
Bob, casting his eyes around him, discovered much for enquiry. “Who are those in the corner in close conversation together?”
“The farthest from us,” replied Merrywell, “is a Jew attorney, well acquainted with all the shuffling arts of the [50] place; one who can explain the whole game, from raising the wind, down to the White-washing Act, for the knowledge and experience of gentlemen in these days are astonishing. You would scarcely believe it, but such is the fact, there are rakes of quality and of fashion, who are their own farriers, horse dealers, who know every trick upon the cards and dice—cutting, shuffling, slipping, cogging, securing; who have cards and dice always at hand, and ready made to their hand; who, although they are awake to a good thing, know the odds to a nicety, and can give or take according as it may best suit their purpose, yet are not properly initiated in all requisite mysteries, till a sort of finish is given to their education, by a temporary retirement here; where they learn a sufficiency of the law to give information on all the quirks and quibbles of the arrest laws, of bailing, demurring, justifying bail, putting in bail above, of writs of error, county and Marshalsea writs, of letters of licence, the laws against usury, the bankrupt laws, and finally of acts of grace; perhaps the last and only one in their lives bearing that name: but we must walk on, or we may be overheard.”
“Then,” said Dashall, “you are by this time pretty well acquainted with the characters of your companions, and expect to leave the College with more information than you previously possessed.”
“No doubt of it,” was the reply; “but as my case was not desperate, I have not sought desperate remedies. I am at this moment supposed by certain friends of mine to be in the gay city of Paris, enjoying all the luxuries of the Thuilleries, the Louvre, the Palais Royal, and the Elysian Fields; and I doubt not I shall be able to convince an old rich uncle of mine of the fact. And as my expectations chiefly rest on him, and he cannot last long, I shall upon liberation make my approaches to him with a little of the French polish I am preparing while here. This, however, is selfish conversation.”
“Yet perfectly in point,” continued Dashall.
“And equally interesting too,” said Bob.
“Do you see,” said Merrywell, “that young man buttoned up to the chin, in what has been a blue great coat? He is one of the lecturers.”
“Lecturers?” enquired Tallyho; “what, have you lectures in the College?”
[51] “Undoubtedly we have, on subjects of the utmost importance too. That young man, who began the world with slender property, but who contrived by a strict adherence to ways and means to cut a dashing figure, and live as if he had a large fortune, is in possession of volumes of information, which he is willing to retail to such as require it. What are termed lecturers here, are needy debtors, who put up young men less knowing than themselves, for money or for a dinner; and his experience is great, for when he had worn out all quarters of the town in the way of trick, when the fashionable watering places were teeming with clamorous creditors, when he was expelled from all the clubs in consequence of not paying his subscriptions, nay, when he owed almost all the waiters money, he came to this place nearly pennyless, and now, by singing a good song, telling a tough story, and occasionally giving lectures to his brothers in confinement, he manages to get a good dinner daily, and seldom goes to bed sober.”
“Then his ways and means are not yet exhausted; he must be a good financier, and might be made very useful to the Minister,” replied Tom; “and it is really a pity such talents are not duly appreciated.”
“Who is that little stout man who passed you just now with a nod of the head?” enquired Tallyho.
“That,” answered Merrywell, “is Capt. W——, a sort of walking automaton, a kind of medley of incomprehensibles, something like pedants' periods, very inanimate, and as you perceive, very round. He was formerly a button maker, but having a desire to sink the shank, he enlisted under the banners of Cupid, paid his addresses to one of the Queen's maids, carried the fortress by a coup de main, and gained a safe lodgement in the covert way, by taking the oath of allegiance at the altar of Hymen. Spurning buttons, he aspired to the epaulette, and was appointed paymaster to the 7th Hussars. Then he set up a coach to run to and from Maidenhead. This being one iron too many in the fire, soon became too hot for him. He defaulted for a considerable sum, and has been in quod for four years. Here comes a beau of the first order, a Colonel, and a most determined Dandy, even in confinement. Colonel R—— adheres as much to the nicety of dress in this place, as he would for a military appearance on parade. He [52] is Colonel of the New Grenada Horse. I have not yet learned much of his former pursuits or his origin. There is, however, an anecdote of him circulated, which prove the admirable fitness of such a person for such a command. It is said that when he obtained his appointment, he very significantly asked the General, what stocks he should have for his guns, meaning the gun carriages.”
“That's a little too severe,” cried Dashall, laughing at the same time, “it was but a lapsus lingu?, such as might happen to any man.”
“I claim no merit in the relation,” was the reply; “however, it has raised many a laugh at his expence, and as I had it so you now have it. But we have other game in view, and must not be exhausting our time in criticising immaterial points of propriety.
“Here ruin'd Lawyers, ruin'd Clients meet;
Here Doctors their consumptive Patients greet,
Sick of one malady that mocks all skill,
Without the true specific golden pill
Here finished Tailors, never to be paid,
Turn eyes on many a coat themselves have made;
And Bailiffs, caught by their own arts at last,
Meet those their capias yesterday made fast.
There stalks a youth whose father, for reform,
Has shut him up where countless vices swarm.
But little is that parent skill'd to trace
The springs of action,—little knows the place,
Who sends an ailing mind to where disease
Its inmost citadel of health may seize.”
 
“You entertain us with a diversity of mental dishes,” said Tom; “Manacles, Mammon, and Morality, dance through the mazes of your imagination in rapid and admirable succession—I wonder you don't commence Lecturer.”
“I do not conceive myself qualified, and as I have no real occasion to be a pretender, I leave it to those who have.—O! there goes a curiosity—
“If you look sharp you'll see the short knee'd breeches, Brown hat and powdered head of stalking P—tch—s.”
“He is known here by the title of Don; he has been a long resident within these walls, has seen much of Life, and is still a gay fellow. He was formerly a Member of Parliament, but not being able to overrule the Speaker, he out-run the Constable, and was seized by [53] the Bailiffs. He is, however, a jolly companion, and lives well; but to show his contempt for riches, he has actually seated his inexpressibles with the parchment title deeds of his own estate, with impressions similar to the old song—
“Why should we quarrel for riches,
Or any such glittering toys?
A tight heart and a thin pair of breeches
Will go through the world, my brave boye.”
 
“Who is that with the rackets under his arm?” enquired Bob.
“That is Baker, a sort of privileged man, who is allowed the advantages of supplying the inmates with rackets, balls, &c. He lends rackets, sells balls, keeps scores, and occasionally carries on the haberdashery trade.”
“Then he is a shop-keeper, I suppose.”
“He is a measurer of tape” replied Merry well, “by way of refreshment, or in other words, under safe circumstances, can spin out Old Tom or Blue-ruin.”
“I understand,” said Bob, “a little of the Cratur.”
“Here,” continued Merry well, “is the coach-maker to the late Christophe, King of Hayti, Mr. H—— of Long Acre notoriety. This gentleman bought a considerable estate, which, with true parental regard, he settled on his daughter, and paying for his purchase by his residence here, whether his intentions will be fulfilled or not, so as to obtain liberation by the Whitewashing Act, no one at present can tell—and Colville is taking his walks—he is one of the Janitors, and Crier of the place. He has a Stentorian voice, which is a part of his business to exercise in calling the prisoners. I know but little of him, and even that is not worth knowing. He, however, has the character of being an informer, and I am not aware that he is in possession of any good qualities. I shall, therefore, rather give a slight sketch of the office he holds, than of the person.[54]
“Whoe'er one night has slept within these walls,
Has heard the din that each new comer calls,
To where the keen-eyed Turnkeys wait to trace
The lineaments of every novel face.
Each morning thro' the Bench goes forth a cry,
By Colville sent thro' every gallery high.
To number “One,” peals round the shout from “Ten,”
 Far rolling heard, “Pull up! now Gentlemen!”
 
“This is the custom with every new comer, and is productive sometimes of much mirth to some, but of infinite mortification to others, according to the circumstances of the case. As it would occupy some time to describe them, I shall give you a poetical sketch of a morning in the Bench; and by the introduction of a fictitious name, make you acquainted with a general practice. Imagine for a moment,
“Rous'd by the force of that Stentorian sound,
Rose Belcour, dressed, and soon the lobby found.
About the door a throng of varlets stood,
A grinning and ill-favoured brotherhood,
That scoff and gibe at every wight that wears
Linen less black, or better coat than theirs.
For these, young Belcour was too fair a mark;
?Make way,' cries one, 'he's going to the Park:
His horses wait; he's going for a ride.'
?Fool, 'tis his tilbury,' another cried;
?D'ye think his lordship rides without his spurs?'
?A curse upon such base unmanner'd curs,'
Between his teeth impatient Belcour mutter'd,
As each his wit so truly attic utter'd;
Then, 'mid the laughter of the brutal throng,
Dark frowning through the door he moved along.
Within the upper lobby Morris sate,
And touch'd with easy complaisance his hat;
And cried, not deigning from his seat to stir,
?We hope you're pretty comfortable, Sir.
?These chaps about the door are rather rum;
?But, love you!   So they do to all that come.'
Short was the conference; the Turnkey's look
Quick cognizance of Belcour's features took;
And never, from that hour might he pass by
Unnoted by that well-observing eye.”
 
“Well,” said Tallyho, “I must confess such scrutiny on the one part, and such observations on the other, would be more than likely to ruffle my temper, and I should be apt to signify my disapprobation, at least of all that was unnecessary.”
“In that case,” replied Merry well, “you would only subject yourself to additional torment: you would have songs, epigrams, lampoons, and epitaphs in abundance, which would prove still more irritating; for this is the seat of learning and of wit, of poets, painters, and musicians, who, being enraptured with their own arts, neglect that of book-keeping, till a residence here gives them a leisure opportunity to close their ledgers.
[55] Speaking on that subject, by the by, we have among us, at this moment, the publishers of the John Bull, whose combined efforts in the way of scurrility have rendered them notorious among the periodicals of present times. There is, however, little of public attraction about them; and although they profess to have a subscription opened, to enable them to pay the fine imposed upon them, it is doubted whether any such is really in existence. Here, however, is a character of another description:
Captain K—— is still a gay fellow, though I apprehend rather what we call hard up just now. He has had the opportunity of expending a very considerable property in seeing Life, but if report say true, it has been chiefly exhausted among the fair sex, and coffee-house keepers. Seldom much depressed in spirits, let the world wag as it will, he sometimes gives good dinners and enjoys himself with a friend, though I suspect that can, under present circumstances, only be done when he can pitch the gammon to the wine merchant, and induce him to stand the nonsense.”
“And do wine merchants give credit to persons in confinement?” enquired Bob.
“Certainly,” was the reply, “for services done or promised to be done, or upon the security of some friend, who perhaps intends soon after to pay his engagements by a similar mode to that of the person whose debt he pretends to secure. No place can be found where the study of ways and means is more closely attended to than this. Of our prisons in general, much the same may be said as of our gaming houses; very few get out of them as they went in. A dupe is the general character of those who first enter; but they seldom fail to acquire that of knave before their departure. The air is infectious, the society fatal to morality and to honesty; few pass through the ordeal with purity, and return uncontaminated to the world; and yet, after all the frauds, tricks, and speculations practised, it is well to be acquainted with them, in order to guard against the recurrence, if a man can but have fortitude enough to avoid practising them himself.[56]
“Think not that the action of the place
Is all revealed upon this open space;
The darkest portion of the picture lies
Obscur'd and cover'd up from public eyes;
Here much you see, that bids you all mistrust,
Much that provokes aversion and disgust;
New friends, who coolly ask a one pound note,
Or borrow for an hour, then pawn, your coat.
Such stuff as this upon the surface swims;
He little sees who but the surface skims.
How much of fraud and finished wickedness,
How much of deep despair and keen distress,
Thought of by few, and seen by none, the while,
Is chamber'd in the niches of this pile!”
 
“Zounds,” cried Dashall, “your pictures have so much light and shade, so much to admire, and so much to condemn, that there is scarcely any possibility of arriving at any conclusion.—Bless me, there is Dick Rakewell!&rdquo............