On the following day Croniamantal went to The Theatre, which was meeting at Monsieur Pingu's, the financier. Croniamantal succeeded in gaining entry by bribing the doorman and the butler. He entered boldly the hall where The Theatre, its satellites, its stool-pigeons and its hired thugs were gathered. CRONIAMANTAL
Ladies and Gentlemen of THE THEATRE, I have come to read you my play entitled Ieximal Jelimite.
THE THEATRE
Good gracious, wait a minute, young man, until you have been informed about our methods of procedure. You are here in the midst of our actors, our authors, our critics and our spectators. Listen attentively and don't even speak.
CRONIAMANTAL
Gentlemen, I thank you for the cordial reception that you give me and I shall profit, I am sure, of all that I hear.
THE ACTOR
My r?les have slowly withered like the roses
But mother, I love my metempsychoses
O seats of proteus and their metamorphoses
AN OLD STAGE MANAGER
Do you remember, Madame! One snowy night of 1832, a lost stranger knocked at the door of a villa situated on the road leading from Chanteboun to Sorrento...
THE CRITIC
Nowadays, for a play to be successful it is important that it should not be signed by its author.
THE TRAINER TO HIS BEAR
Roll about in the sweet peas
Play dead... suckle...
Dance the polka... now the mazurka...
CHORUS OF DRINKERS
Juice o' the grape
Ruddy liquor
Let us drink drink
If we may
CHORUS OF EATERS
Horde of gluttons
There's no more
A crumb left
In the plate
DRINKERS
Bloated heads
Drink o drink
The juice o' the grape
R.D.RD K.PL.NG, THE ACTOR, THE ACTRESS,
THE AUTHORS
(To the spectators)
Pay! Pay! Pay! Pay! Pay! Pay! Pay!
THE PROMPTER
The theatre, my dear brothers, is a school for scandal, it is a place of perdition for the soul and the body. According to the testimony of the stage carpenters everything is faked in the theatre. Witches older than Morgane come there to pose as little girls of fifteen years.
How much blood is spilt in a melodrama! I say truthfully, though it be false, this blood will be upon the heads of the children of the authors, the actors, the directors, and the spectators, unto the seventh generation. Ne mater suam, the little girls used to say to their mothers. Nowadays they ask: "Are we going to the theatre tonight?"
I tell you frankly my friends. There are few shows which do not endanger the soul. Outside of the spectacle of nature I know of nothing that one may witness without fear. This last spectacle is Gallic and healthy, my dear friends. The sound dilates the glands, chases Satan from the stinking shades where he lies and thus the Fathers come in from the desert to exorcise themselves.
THE MOTHER OF AN ACTRESS
Are you p..., Charlotte?
THE ACTRESS
No, mama, I am roasting.
M. MAURICE BOISSARD
We have with us today the entrails of a mother!
AN AUTHOR WHO HAS A PLAY ACCEPTED BY THE COMEDIE-FRAN?AISE
My friend, you do not look very confident today. I am going to explain the meaning of several words from the theatrical vocabulary. Listen attentively and remember them if you can.
Acheron (ch hard)—A river of Hades, not of hell.
Artists (two types)—Is never used except in speaking of a comedian or a comedienne.
Brother—Avoid using this substantive together with "little." The adjective "young" is more proper.
NOTA BENE—This phrase does not apply to operettas.
"High Life"—This very French expression is translated in English as "fashionable people."
Liaisons—They are always dangerous in the theatre.
Papa—Two negatives are equal to an affirmative.
Cooked Potatoes—(never used in the singular)—A crudity that is deleterious to the stomach.
Tut-tut—This worn expression...
Would you like to have some titles for plays also? They are very important in order to succeed. Here are some sure ones:
THE CONTOUR; The Circumference; THE CONDOR; Hurry up Harry; THE TOWER; Louise, your shirt is coming out; STEP ALONG; The Mysterious Bar; HUNDREDTH TO THE RIGHT; The Magician; THE GUELF; I am going to kill you; MY PRINCE; The Artichoke; THE SCHOOL FOR LAWYERS; The Torch-bearer!
Good-bye, sir, don't thank me.
A GREAT CRITIC
Gentlemen, I have come to give you a report of the triumph, last night. Are you ready? I begin:
GRIT AND GRIP
A play in three acts by Messrs. Julien Tandis, Jean de la Fente, Prosper Mordus and Mmes Nathalie de l'Angoumois, Jane Fontaine and the countess M. Des Etangs, etc. Sets by Messrs. Alfred Mone, Leon Minie, Al. de Lemere. Costumes by Jeanette, hats by Wilhelmine, properties by the MacTead Company, phonographs by Hernstein and Company, sanitary napkins by Van Feuler Brothers.
I recall the captive who dared to p... before Sesostris. I never saw a more poignant scene than this from the play of Messrs, and Mmes etc. I must speak of the scene which made such a great hit at the opening night and in which the financier Prominoff bursts into a fit of rage against the coroner.
The play, which was very good, otherwise, did not accomplish all that was expected of it. The courtesan wife who feathers her nest out of the green old age of a vulgar brewer, remains, however, an unforgettable and touching figure which leaves in the shadow that of Cleopatra and Mme de Pompadour. M. Layol is an excellent comedian. He acted the father of a family in every sense of the expression. Mlle ............