BELOW KOBOI LABORATORIES

 

AN LEP shuttle is shaped like a teardrop, bottom heavy with thrusters and a nose that could cut through steel. Of course our heroes weren't in an LEP shuttle, they were in the ambassador's luxury cruiser. Comfort was definitely favoured over speed. It had a nose like a gnome's behind. Bulky and expensive-looking, with a grill you could use to barbecue buffalo.

'So, you're saying this fissure is going to open up for a couple of minutes and I have to fly through. And that's the entire plan?' said Holly.

'It's the best we've got,' said Root glumly. 'Well, at least we'll be in padded seats when we get squashed. This thing handles like a three-legged rhinoceros.'

'How was I to know?' grumbled Root. 'This was supposed to be a routine run. This shuttle has an excellent stereo.'

Butler raised his hand. 'Listen. What's that sound?'

They listened. The noise came from below them, like a giant clearing its throat.

Holly consulted the keel cams.

'Flare,' she announced. 'Big sucker. It'll be roasting our tail feathers any minute.'

The rock face before them cracked and groaned in constant expansion and retraction. Fissures heaved like grinning mouths lined with black teeth.

'That's it. Let's go,' urged Mulch. 'That fissure is going to seal up faster than a stink worm's —'

'Not enough room yet,' snapped Holly. 'This is a shuttle, not one fat dwarf riding stolen wings.'

Mulch was too scared to be insulted. 'Just move it. It'll widen as we go.'

Generally Holly would have waited for Root to give the green light. But this was her area. No one was going to argue with Captain Holly Short at the controls of a shuttle.

The chasm shuddered open another metre.

Holly gritted her teeth. 'Hold on to your ears,' she said, ramming the thrusters to maximum.

The craft's occupants clutched their armrests, and more than one of them closed their eyes. But not Artemis. He couldn't. There was something morbidly fascinating about flying into an uncharted tunnel at a reckless speed, with only a kleptomaniac dwarf's word for what lay at the other end.

Holly concentrated on her instruments. Hull cameras and sensors fed information to various screens and speakers. Sonar was going crazy, beeping so fast it was almost a continuous whine. Fixed halogen headlights fed frightening images to the monitors, and laser radar drew a green 3D line picture on a dark screen. Then, of course, there was the quartz windscreen. But with sheets of rock dust and larger debris, the naked eye was next to useless.

'Temperature increasing,' she muttered, glancing at the rear-view monitor. An orange magma column blasted past the fissure mouth, spilling over into the tunnel.

They were in a desperate race. The fissure was closing behind them and expanding before the craft's prow. The noise was terrific. Thunder in a bubble.

Mulch covered his ears. 'Next time, I'll take Howler's Peak.'

'Quiet, convict,' growled Root. 'This was all your idea.'

Their arguing was interrupted by a tremendous grating, sending sparks dancing across the windscreen.

'Sorry,' apologized Captain Short. 'There goes our communications array.'

She flipped the craft sideways, scraping between two shifting plates. The magma's heat coated the rock face, dragging the plates together. A jagged edge clipped the shuttle's rear as the plates crashed behind them. A giant's handclap. Butler held his Sig Sauer. It was a comfort thing.

Then they were through, spiralling into a cavern towards three enormous titanium rods.

'There,' gasped Mulch. 'The foundation rods.'

Holly rolled her eyes. 'You don't say,' she groaned, firing the docking clamps.

Mulch had drawn another diagram. This one looked like a bendy snake.

'We're being led by an idiot with a crayon,' said Root, with deceptive calmness.

'I got you this far, didn't I, Julius?' said Mulch, pouting.

Holly was finishing the last bottle of mineral water. A good third of it went over her head.

'Don't you dare start sulking, dwarf,' she said. 'As far as I can see, we're stuck in the centre of the Earth, with no way out and no communications.'

Mulch backed up a step. 'I can see you're a bit tense after the flight. Let's all calm down now, shall we?'

Nobody looked very calm. Even Artemis seemed slightly shaken by the ordeal. Butler still hadn't let go of the Sig Sauer.

'That's the hard bit over. We're in the foundations now. The only way is up.'

'Oh really, convict?' said Root. 'And how do you suggest we go up exactly?'

Mulch plucked a carrot from the cooler, waving it at his diagram. 'This here is ...'

'A snake?'

'No, Julius. It's one of the foundation rods.'

'The solid titanium foundation rods, sunk in impregnable bedrock?'

'The very ones. Except one isn't exactly solid.'

Artemis nodded. 'I thought so. You cut corners on this work, didn't you, Mulch?'

Mulch was unrepentant. 'You know what building regulations are like. Solid titanium pillars? Do you have any idea how expensive that is? Threw our estimate right off. So me 'n' cousin Nord decided to forget the titanium packing.'

'But you had to fill that column with something,' interrupted the commander. 'Koboi would have run scans.'

Mulch nodded guiltily.

'We hooked up the sewage pipes to it for a couple of days. The sonographs came up clean.'

Holly felt her throat clench. 'Sewage. You mean ..."

'No. Not any more. That was a hundred years ago, it's just clay now. Very good clay as it happens.'

Root's face could have boiled a large cauldron of water.

'You expect us to climb through twenty metres of ... manure?'

The dwarf shrugged. 'Hey, do I care? Stay here forever if you want, I'm going up the pipe.'

Artemis did not like this sudden turn of events. Running, jumping, injury. OK. But sewage? 'This is your plan?' he managed to mutter.

'What's the matter, Mud Boy,' smirked Mulch. 'Afraid of getting your hands dirty?'

It was only a figure of speech, Artemis knew. But true nevertheless. He glanced at his slender fingers. Yesterday morning they were pianist's fingers with manicured nails. Today they could have belonged to a builder.

Holly clapped Artemis on the shoulder. 'OK,' she declared. 'Let's do it. As soon as we save the Lower Elements, we can get back to rescuing your father.'

Holly noticed a change in Artemis's face. Almost as if his features weren't sure how to arrange themselves. She paused, realizing what she had said. For her, the remark had been a casual encouragement, the kind of thing an officer said every day. But it seemed as though Artemis was not accustomed to being a member of a team.

'Don't think I'm getting chummy or anything. It's just that when I give my word, I stick to it.'

Artemis decided not to respond. He'd already been punched once today.

 

*

 

They descended from the shuttle on a folding stairway.

Artemis stepped on to the surface, picking his way through the jagged stones and construction debris abandoned by Mulch and his cousin a century earlier. The cavern was lit by the star-like twinkle of rock phosphorescence.

'This place is a geological marvel,' he exclaimed. 'The pressure at this depth should be crushing us, but it isn't.' He knelt to examine a fungus sprouting from a rusting paint tin. 'There's even life.'

Mulch wrenched the remains of a hammer from between two rocks.

'So that's where this got to. We overdid it a bit on the explosives, blasting the shaft for these columns. Some of our waste must have ... fallen down here.'

Holly was appalled. Pollution is an abomination to the People.

 

'You've broken so many laws here, Mulch, I don't even have the fingers to count them. When you get that two-day head start, you better move fast, because I'm going to be the one chasing you.'

'Here we are,' said Mulch, ignoring the threat. When you'd heard as many as he had, they just rolled right off.

There was a hole bored into one of the columns. Mulch rubbed the edges fondly.

'Diamond laser cutter. Little nuclear battery.That baby could cut through anything.'

'I remember that cutter too,' said Root. 'You nearly decapitated me with it once.'

Mulch sighed. 'Happy days, eh, Julius?'

Root's reply was a swift kick in the behind. 'Less talk, more eating dirt, convict.'

Holly placed her hand into the hole. 'Air currents. The pressure field from the city must have equalized this cave over the years. That's why we're not flat as manta rays right now.'

'I see,' said Butler and Root simultaneously. Another lie for the list.

Mulch undid his bum-flap.

'I'll tunnel up to the top and wait for you there. Clear as much of the debris as you can. I'll spread the recycled mud around, to avoid closing up the shaft.'

Artemis groaned. The idea of crawling through Mulch's recyclings was almost intolerable. Only the thought of his father kept him going.

Mulch stepped into the shaft. 'Stand back,' he warned, unhinging his jaw.

Butler moved quickly — he was not about to get nailed by dwarf gas again.

Mulch disappeared up to his waist in the titanium column. In moments he had disappeared entirely. The pipe began to shudder with strange, unappetizing sounds. Chunks of clay clattered against the metal walls. A constant stream of condensed air and debris spiralled from the hole.

'Amazing,' breathed Artemis. 'What I could do with ten like him. Fort Knox would be a pushover.'

'Don't even think about it,' warned Root. He turned to Butler. 'What have we got?'

The manservant drew his pistol. 'One Sig Sauer handgun with twelve rounds in the magazine. That's it. I'll take the gun, as I'm the only one who can lift it. You two pick up whatever you can on the run.'

'And what about me?' asked Artemis, even though he knew what was coming.

Butler looked his master straight in the eye. 'I want you to stay here. This is a military operation. All you can do is get yourself killed.'

 

'But...'

'My job is to protect you, Artemis, and this is quite possibly the safest spot on the planet.'

Artemis didn't argue. In truth, these facts had already occurred to him. Sometimes being a genius was a burden.

'Very well, Butler. I shall remain here. Unless ...'

Butler's eyes narrowed. 'Unless what?'

Artemis gave a dangerous smile. 'Unless I have an idea.'

 

POLICE PLAZA

 

In Police Plaza the situation was desperate. Captain Kelp had pulled the remaining forces into a circle behind overturned workstations. The goblins were taking pot shots through the doorway, and none of the warlocks had a drop of magic left in them. Anyone who got injured from now on, stayed injured.

The Council was huddled behind a wall of troops. All except Wing Commander Vinyaya, who had demanded to be given one of the electric rifles. She hadn't missed yet.

The techs were crouched behind their desks, trying every code combination in the book to gain access to the Operations' booth. Trouble didn't hold out much hope on that front. If Foaly locked a door then it stayed locked.

Meanwhile, inside the booth, all the centaur could do was pound his fists in frustration. It was a sign of Cudgeon's cruelty that he allowed Foaly to view the battle beyond the blast windows.

It seemed hopeless. Even if Julius and Holly had received his message, it was too late now to do anything. Foaly's lips and throat were dry. Everything had deserted him. His computer, his intellect, his glib sarcasm. Everything.

 

BELOW KOBOI LABORATORIES

 

Something wet slapped Butler in the head.

'What was that?' he hissed at Holly, who was bringing up the rear.

'Don't ask,' croaked Captain Short. Even through her helmet filters the smell was foul.

The contents of the column had had a century to ferment, and smelled as toxic as the day it went in. Probably worse. At least, thought the bodyguard, I don't have to eat this stuff.

Root was on point, his helmet lights cutting swathes through the darkness. The pillar was on a forty-degree angle, with regular grooves that were intended to anchor the titanium block filling.

Mulch had done a sterling job of breaking down the pipe's contents. But the recycling had to go somewhere. Mulch, in fairness to him, chewed every mouthful thoroughly to avoid too many lumps.

The raiding party struggled on grimly, trying not to think about what they were actually doing. By the time they caught up with the dwarf, he was clinging to a ridge, face constricted in pain.

'What is it, Mulch?' asked Root, concern accidentally slipping into his tones.

'Geddup,' Mulch groaned. 'Geddup rih now.'

Root's eyes widened with something approaching panic. 'Up!' he hissed. 'Everybody up!'

They scrambled into the tight wedge of space above the dwarf. Not a second too soon. Mulch relaxed, releasing a burst of dwarf gas that could have inflated a circus tent. He rehinged his jaw.

'That's better,' he sighed. 'Lotta air in that soil. Now would you mind getting that beam out of my face. You know how I feel about light.'

The commander obliged, switching to infra-red.

'OK, now we're up here, how do we get out? You didn't bring your cutter, I seem to remember.'

The dwarf grinned. 'No problem. A good thief always plans on a return visit. See here.' Mulch was pointing to an area of titanium that seemed exactly like the rest of the pipe. 'I patched this up last time. It's just flexi-bond.'

Root had to smile. 'You are a cunning reprobate. How did we ever catch you?'

'Luck,' replied the dwarf, elbowing a section of the pipe. A large circle popped out, revealing the hundred-year-old hole. 'Welcome to Koboi Labs.'

They clambered into a dimly lit corridor. Loaded hover trolleys were stacked four deep around the walls. Strip lighting operated with minimum illumination overhead.

'I know this place,' noted Root. 'I've been here before on inspection for the special-weapons permits. We're two corridors across from the computer centre. We have a real chance of making it.'

'What about these DNA stun cannons?' enquired Butler.

'Tricky,' admitted the commander. 'If the cannon's onboard doesn't recognize you, you're dead. They can be programmed to reject entire species.'

'Tricky,' agreed the manservant.

'I'm betting they're not active,' continued Root. 'First, if this place is crawling with goblins, they hardly came in through the front door. And second, if Foaly is being blamed for this little uprising, Koboi will want to pretend they had no weapons, just like the LEP.'

'Strategy?' asked Butler.

'Not much,' admitted the commander. 'Once we turn the corner, we're on camera. So down the corridor as fast as you can, hit anything that gets in your way. If it has a weapon, confiscate it. Mulch, you stay here and widen the tunnel, we may need to get out fast. Ready?'

Holly extended a hand. 'Gentlemen, it's been a pleasure.'

The commander and manservant laid their hands on hers. 'Likewise.'

They headed down the corridor. Two hundred goblins versus our three virtually unarmed heroes. It was going to be close.

 

INNER SANCTUM, KOBOI LABORATORIES

 

'Intruders,' squealed Opal Koboi delightedly. 'Inside the building.'

Cudgeon crossed to the surveillance plasma screen.

'I do believe it's Julius. Amazing. Obviously your hit team was exaggerating, General Sputa.'

Sputa licked his eyeballs furiously. Lieutenant Nyle would be losing his skin before shedding season.

Cudgeon whispered into Opal's ear. 'Can we activate the DNA cannons?'

The pixie shook her head. 'Not immediately. They've been reprogrammed to reject goblin DNA. It would take a few minutes.'

Cudgeon turned to the four goblin generals. 'Have an armoured squad come up behind and another one from the flank. We can trap them at the door. There will be no way out.'

Cudgeon stared raptly at the plasma screen. 'This is even better than I'd planned. Now, my old friend, Julius, it's my turn to humiliate you.'

Artemis was meditating. This was a time for concentration. He sat cross-legged on a rock, visualizing the various rescue strategies that could be utilized when they returned to the Arctic. If the Mafiya managed to set up the drop before Artemis could reach them, then there was only one plan that could work. And it was a high-risk plan. Artemis searched deeper inside his brain. There must be another way.

He was disturbed by an orchestral noise emanating from the titanium column. It sounded like a sustained note on a bassoon. Dwarf gas, he reasoned. The column had decent acoustics.

What he needed was a brainwave. One crystal thought that would slice through this mire he had become embroiled in, and save the day.

After eight minutes, he was interrupted again. Not gas this time. A cry for help. Mulch was in trouble, and in pain.

Artemis was about to suggest that Butler deal with it when he realized that his bodyguard wasn't there. Off on his mission to save the Lower Elements. It was up to him.

He poked his head into the column. It was black as the inside of an old boot, and twice as pungent. Artemis decided that an LEP helmet was his first requirement. He quickly retrieved a spare from the shuttle and, after a moment's experimentation, activated the lights and seals.

'Mulch? Are you up there?'

No reply. Could this be a trap? Was it possible that he, Artemis Fowl, was about to fall for the oldest ruse in the book? Entirely possible, he decided. But in spite of that, he couldn't really afford to take chances with that hairy little creature's life. Somewhere since Los Angeles, and against his better judgement, he had bonded with Mister Diggums. Artemis shuddered. It was happening more and more since his mother's return to sanity.

Artemis climbed into the tube, beginning his journey to the disc of light above. The smell was horrendous. His shoes were ruined, and no amount of dry-cleaning could redeem the St Bartleby's blazer. Mulch had better be in a lot of pain.

When he reached the entrance, he found Mulch writhing on the floor, face contorted in genuine agony.

'What is it?' he asked, peeling off the helmet and kneeling by the dwarf's side.

'Blockage in my gut,' grunted the dwarf, beads of sweat sliding down his beard hairs. 'Something hard. Can't break it down.'

'What can I do?' Artemis asked, though he dreaded the possible replies.

'My left boot. Take it off.'

'Your boot? Did you say boot?'

'Yes,' howled the dwarf, pain stiffening his entire torso. 'Get it off!'

Artemis couldn't stifle a relieved sigh. He'd been fearing much worse. He hefted the dwarf's leg into his lap and pulled at the climbing boot.

'Nice boots,' he commented.

-'Rodeo Drive,' gasped Mulch. 'Now, if you wouldn't mind.'

' Sorry.'

The boot slid off, revealing a not-quite-so-designer sock, complete with toe holes and darn patches.

'Little toe,' said Mulch, eyes closed with pain.

'Little toe what?'

'Squeeze the joint. Hard.'

Squeeze the joint. Must be a reflexology thing. Every part of the body corresponds to an area of the foot. The body's keyboard, so to speak. Practised in the Orient for centuries.

'Very well. If you insist.'

Artemis placed his finger and thumb around Mulch's hairy toe. It could have been his imagination, but it seemed that the hairs parted to allow him access.

'Squeeze,' gasped the dwarf. 'Why aren't you squeezing?'

Artemis wasn't squeezing because his eyes were crossed, looking at the laser barrel in the middle of his forehead.

Lieutenant Nyle, who was holding the weapon, couldn't believe his luck. He'd single-handedly captured two intruders, plus he'd discovered their bolt hole. Who said hanging back to avoid the fighting didn't have advantages? This was turning out to be an exceptional revolution for him. He'd be colonel before shedding his third skin.

'On your feet,' he ordered, panting blue flames. Even through the translator it sounded reptilian.

Artemis stood slowly, lifting Mulch's leg with him.The dwarf's bum-flap flopped open.

'What's wrong with him anyway?' asked Nyle, bending in for a closer look.

'Something he ate,' said Artemis, and squeezed the joint.

The resulting explosion knocked the goblin off his feet, sending him tumbling down the corridor. There was something you didn't see every day.

Mulch hopped to his feet.

'Thanks, kid. I thought I was a goner there. Must've been something hard. Granite maybe, or diamond.'

Artemis nodded. Not ready for words.

'Those goblins are dumb. Did you see the look on his face?'

Artemis shook his head. Still not ready.

'Do you want to go look?'

The tactless humour snapped Artemis out of his daze. 'That goblin. I doubt he was on his own.'

Mulch buttoned up his bum-flap. 'Nope. A whole squadron of 'em just went past. This guy must have been trying to avoid the action. Typical goblin.'

Artemis rubbed his temples. There must be something he could do to help his friends. He had the highest tested IQ in Europe, for heaven's sake.

'Mulch, I have an important question for you.'

'I suppose I owe you one, for saving my hide.'

Artemis draped an arm around the dwarf's shoulder. 'I know how you got into Koboi Labs. But you couldn't go back that way, the flare would get you. So, how did you get out?'

Mulch grinned. 'Simple. I activated the alarm, then left in the LEP uniform I came in.'

Artemis scowled. 'No use, there must be another way. There has to be.'

The DNA cannons were obviously out of commission. Root was just starting to feel optimistic when he heard the thunder of approaching boots.

'D'Arvit. Rumbled. You two keep going. I'll hold them here as long as I can.'

'No, Commander,' said Butler. 'With respect, we only have one weapon, and I can hit a lot more with it than you. I'll take them coming around the corner. You try to get the door open.'

Holly opened her mouth to argue. But who was going to argue with a man that size?

'OK. Good luck. If you're wounded, lie as still as y............