Thursday 5 January

9st 3 (excellent progress — 21b of fat spontaneously combusted through joy and sexual promise), alcohol units 6 (v.g. for party), cigarettes 12 (continuing good work), calories 1258 (love has eradicated need to pig out).

11 a.m. Office. Oh my God. Daniel Cleaver just sent me a message. Was trying to work on CV without Per?petua noticing (in preparation for improving career) when Message Pending suddenly flashed up on top of screen. Delighted by, well, anything — as always am if is not work — I quickly pressed RMS Execute and nearly jumped out of my skin when I saw Cleave at the bottom of the message. I instantly thought he had been able to tap into the computer and see that I was not getting on with my work. But then I read the message:

MessageJones

You appear to have forgotten your skirt. As

I think is made perfectly clear in your

contract of employment, staff are expected

to be fully dressed at all times.

Cleave

Hah! Undeniably flirtatious. Thought for a little while whilst pretending to study tedious-beyond-belief manu?script from lunatic Have never messaged Daniel Cleaver before but brilliant thing about messaging system is you can be really quite cheeky and informal, even to your boss. Also can spend ages practising. This is what sent.

Message Cleave

Sir, am appalled by message. Whilst skirt

could reasonably be described as a little

on the skimpy side (thrift being ever our

watchword in editorial), consider it gross

misrepresentation to describe said skirt as

absent, and considering contacting union.

Jones

Waited in frenzy of excitement for reply. Sure enough Message Pending quickly flashed up. Pressed RMS:

Will whoever has thoughtlessly removed the

edited script of KAFKA'S MOTORBIKE from my

desk PLEASE have the decency to return it

immediately.

Diane

Aargh. After that: zilch.

Noon. Oh God. Daniel has not replied. Must be furious. Maybe he was being serious about the skirt. Oh God oh God. Have been seduced by informality of messaging medium into being impertinent to boss.

12.10.Maybe he has not got it yet. If one could get message back. Think will go for walk and see if can somehow go into Daniel's office and erase it.

12.15. Hah. All-explained. He is in meeting with Simon from Marketing. He gave me a look when walked past. Aha. Ahahahaha. Message Pending:

Message Jones

If walking past office was attempt to

demonstrate presence of skirt can only say

that it has failed parlously. Skirt is

indisputably absent. Is skirt off sick?

Cleave

Message Pending then flashed up again immediately.

MessageJones

If skirt is indeed sick, please look into how

many days sick leave skirt has taken in prev?ious

twelvemonth. Spasmodic nature of recent

skirt attendance suggests malingering

Cleave

Just sending back:

Message Cleave

Skirt is demonstrably neither sick nor

abscent. Appalled by management's

blatently sizist attitude to skirt.

Obsessive interest in skirt suggests

management sick rather than skirt.

Jones

Hmm. Think will cross last bit out as contains mild accusation of sexual harassment whereas v. much enjoying being sexually harassed by Daniel Cleaver.

Aaargh. Perpetua just walked past and started reading over shoulder. Just managed to press Alt Screen in nick of time but big mistake as merely put CV back up on screen.

'Do let me know when you've finished reading, won't you?' said Perpetua, with a nasty smirk. 'I'd hate to feel you were being underused.'

The second she was safely back on the phone — 'I mean frankly, Mr Birkett, what is the point in putting three to four bedrooms when it is going to be obvious the second we appear that bedroom four is an airing cupboard?' — I got back to work. This is what I am about to send.

Message Cleave

Skirt is demonstrably neither sick nor

abscent. Appalled by management's

blatently sizist attitude to skirt.

Considering appeal to industrial tribunal,

tabloids, etc.

Jones.

Oh dear. This was return message.

Message Jones

Absent, Jones, not abscent. Blatantly, not

Blatently. Please attempt to acquire at

least perfunctory grasp of spelling. Though

by no means trying to suggest language fixed

rather than constantly adapting, fluctuat?ing

tool of communication (cf Hoenigswald)

computer spell check might help.

Cleave

Was just feeling crestfallen when Daniel walked past with Simon from Marketing and shot a very sexy look at my skirt with one eyebrow raised. Love the lovely com?puter messaging. Must work on spelling, though. After all, have degree in English.