Mr. Gorf\'s nose flared.

His right nostril flared to the right. His left nostril flared to the left. And the hole in the middle seemed to get larger.

Mac coughed. He tried to speak, but no words came out.

"Thank you, Mac," said Mr. Gorf. "Anyone else?"

Deedee raised her hand.

"Yes, young lady," said Mr. Gorf.

Deedee giggled. She liked the way he said "young lady." "My name is Deedee," she said. Her voice was small, but full of energy, like a superball. "I like soccer and Ninja Turtles. My favorite-"

Mr. Gorf\'s nose flared.

Deedee lost her voice too.

"Who\'s next?" asked Mr. Gorf. "Yes, the girl in the polka-dot shirt."

"My name\'s Maurecia," said Maurecia. "I have two brothers and one sister."

Maurecia\'s voice was like a pineapple milkshake.

Mr. Gorf sucked it up through his nose.

"Hey, what\'s going-," said Todd.

Todd was silent.

"Look at his nose!" shouted Eric Bacon. "It has-"

Eric Bacon had nothing else to say. "Nobody say anyth-," Jenny tried to warn. Her voice disappeared up Mr. Gorf\'s nose. Soon the class was quiet

Mr. Gorf\'s middle nostril had snorted all of their voices.

Except for Allison. She remained silent. She knew she\'d only get one chance to speak, and she had to wait for just the right moment.

"What good little boys and girls you are," said Mr. Gorf. "So nice and quiet." He laughed.

"Of course, this isn\'t my real voice," he said. "I stole this voice from a gentleman I met in Scotland."

He touched the tip of his nose.

"This is my voice!" he squawked.

If a donkey could talk, and if the donkey had a sore throat, and if it spoke with a French accent-that was what Mr. Gorf\'s voice sounded like.

But what he said next was even more horrible than his voice.

"Mrs. Gorf was my mommy."

The children sat frozen in their chairs, too scared to move.

Suddenly there was a knock on the door.

Mr. Gorf touched his nose. "Who is it?" he
62
asked in the pleasant voice he stole from the Scottish gentleman.

"Miss Mush," said Miss Mush from the other side of the door. "I just came up to say hello and welcome you to Wayside School."

"That\'s very nice of you, Miss Mush," said Mr. Gorf. "But we\'re very busy right now. Maybe we can get together for tea and crumpets sometime."

Miss Mush giggled. "That sounds lovely," she said. "By the way, Mr. Gorf, are you married?"

"No, I\'m single," said Mr. Gorf.

"So am I," said Miss Mush.

"Miss Mush!" shouted Allison. "Help! Mr. Gorf is taking-"

Mr. Gorf\'s nose flared.

"Did you say something, Allison?" asked Miss Mush.

Mr. Gorf touched his nose. Then he spoke, this time using Allison\'s voice. "Mr. Gorf is taking us on a field trip next week. But he might need help. Do you want to come with us?"

"Maybe," said Miss Mush. "Thank you, Allison."

"Oh, don\'t thank me," said Allison\'s voice. "Thank Mr. Gorf. He\'s the best teacher in the whole world!"

"I\'m glad," said Miss Mush. "He sounds very charming."

"And so do you," said Mr. Gorf, speaking like the gentleman from Scotland. He touched his nose.

"See you later, Miss Mush," said the voice of Eric Ovens.

"Take care," said Calvin\'s voice.

"Have a nice day," said Kathy\'s voice.
65
Mr. Gorf locked the door. "I don\'t want any more interruptions," he said.

Very quietly. Leslie slipped a piece of paper out of her desk. Then she felt around for a pencil.

Mr. Gorf returned to the teacher\'s desk. He opened the top drawer and took out the class list. It had the names of all the children in the class, their parents\' names, and their parents\' home and work phone numbers.

"Let\'s play a game!" he said, speaking in his own, normal, French-donkey-with-a-sore-throat voice. "The name of the game is Who Am I Now?"

Leslie found a pencil. She held the piece of paper on her lap, where Mr. Gorf couldn\'t see it, and wrote HELP in big letters. She had to get it to Louis, the yard teacher.

Mr. Gorf touched the tip of his nose. "Who am I now?" he asked.

It was a girl\'s voice, soft and warm, with just a little bit of a giggle in it.

Everyone looked at Rondi.

"Rondi," said Mr. Gorf. He opened his briefcase and removed a portable phone. He dialed Rondi\'s home number.

"Hello, Mommy," Mr. Gorf said into the phone, using Rondi\'s voice. "No, nothing\'s wrong. I just called to say I hate you! You\'re the worst mommy in the whole world. You\'re ugly and you smell bad! It\'s not fair! Out of all the mommies in the world, I got stuck with you!"

He hung up the phone.

Rondi sat crying in her chair.

Mr. Gorf touched his nose. "Isn\'t this a good game?" he asked, sounding very much like a sick French donkey. "Rondi is crying. And at home, her mother is crying too." He laughed. "Too bad you won\'t ever be able to tell her you\'re sorry, Rondi."
66
Leslie carefully folded the piece of paper into a paper airplane. There was one open window, next to Sharie\'s desk.

Mr. Gorf touched his nose. "Who am I now?" he asked.

Everyone tried not to look at Joe.

Mr. Gorf called Joe\'............