DESCRIPTIVE OF AN AFFECTING INTERVIEWBETWEEN Mr. SAMUEL WELLER AND AFAMILY PARTY. Mr. PICKWICK MAKES ATOUR OF THE DIMINUTIVE WORLD HEINHABITS, AND RESOLVES TO MIX WITH IT,IN FUTURE, AS LITTLE AS POSSIBLEfew mornings after his incarceration, Mr. Samuel Weller,having arranged his master’s room with all possible care,and seen him comfortably seated over his books andpapers, withdrew to employ himself for an hour or two to come, ashe best could. It was a fine morning, and it occurred to Sam that apint of porter in the open air would lighten his next quarter of anhour or so, as well as any little amusement in which he couldindulge.
Having arrived at this conclusion, he betook himself to the tap.
Having purchased the beer, and obtained, moreover, the day-but-one-before-yesterday’s paper, he repaired to the skittle-ground,and seating himself on a bench, proceeded to enjoy himself in avery sedate and methodical manner.
First of all, he took a refreshing draught of the beer, and thenhe looked up at a window, and bestowed a platonic wink on ayoung lady who was peeling potatoes thereat. Then he opened thepaper, and folded it so as to get the police reports outwards; andthis being a vexatious and difficult thing to do, when there is anywind stirring, he took another draught of the beer when he hadaccomplished it. Then, he read two lines of the paper, and stoppedshort to look at a couple of men who were finishing a game atrackets, which, being concluded, he cried out ‘wery good,’ in anapproving manner, and looked round upon the spectators, toascertain whether their sentiments coincided with his own. Thisinvolved the necessity of looking up at the windows also; and asthe young lady was still there, it was an act of common politenessto wink again, and to drink to her good health in dumb show, inanother draught of the beer, which Sam did; and having frownedhideously upon a small boy who had noted this latter proceedingwith open eyes, he threw one leg over the other, and, holding thenewspaper in both hands, began to read in real earnest.
He had hardly composed himself into the needful state ofabstraction, when he thought he heard his own name proclaimedin some distant passage. Nor was he mistaken, for it quicklypassed from mouth to mouth, and in a few seconds the air teemedwith shouts of ‘Weller!’
‘Here!’ roared Sam, in a stentorian voice. ‘Wot’s the matter?
Who wants him? Has an express come to say that his countryhouse is afire?’
‘Somebody wants you in the hall,’ said a man who was standingby.
‘Just mind that ’ere paper and the pot, old feller, will you?’ saidSam. ‘I’m a-comin’. Blessed, if they was a-callin’ me to the bar,they couldn’t make more noise about it!’
Accompanying these words with a gentle rap on the head of theyoung gentleman before noticed, who, unconscious of his closevicinity to the person in request, was screaming ‘Weller!’ with allhis might, Sam hastened across the ground, and ran up the stepsinto the hall. Here, the first object that met his eyes was hisbeloved father sitting on a bottom stair, with his hat in his hand,shouting out ‘Weller!’ in his very loudest tone, at half-minuteintervals.
‘Wot are you a-roarin’ at?’ said Sam impetuously, when the oldgentleman had discharged himself of another shout; ‘makingyourself so precious hot that you looks like a aggrawated glass-blower. Wot’s the matter?’
‘Aha!’ replied the old gentleman, ‘I began to be afeerd thatyou’d gone for a walk round the Regency Park, Sammy.’
‘Come,’ said Sam, ‘none o’ them taunts agin the wictim o’
avarice, and come off that ’ere step. Wot arc you a-settin’ downthere for? I don’t live there.’
‘I’ve got such a game for you, Sammy,’ said the elder Mr.
Weller, rising.
‘Stop a minit,’ said Sam, ‘you’re all vite behind.’
‘That’s right, Sammy, rub it off,’ said Mr. Weller, as his sondusted him. ‘It might look personal here, if a man walked aboutwith vitevash on his clothes, eh, Sammy?’
As Mr. Weller exhibited in this place unequivocal symptoms ofan approaching fit of chuckling, Sam interposed to stop it.
‘Keep quiet, do,’ said Sam, ‘there never vos such a old picter-card born. Wot are you bustin’ vith, now?’
‘Sammy,’ said Mr. Weller, wiping his forehead, ‘I’m afeerd thatvun o’ these days I shall laugh myself into a appleplexy, my boy.’
‘Vell, then, wot do you do it for?’ said Sam. ‘Now, then, wothave you got to say?’
‘Who do you think’s come here with me, Samivel?’ said Mr.
Weller, drawing back a pace or two, pursing up his mouth, andextending his eyebrows. ‘Pell?’ said Sam.
Mr. Weller shook his head, and his red cheeks expanded withthe laughter that was endeavouring to find a vent.
‘Mottled-faced man, p’raps?’ asked Sam.
Again Mr. Weller shook his head.
‘Who then?’ asked Sam.
‘Your mother-in-law,’ said Mr. Weller; and it was lucky he didsay it, or his cheeks must inevitably have cracked, from their mostunnatural distension.
‘Your mother―in―law, Sammy,’ said Mr. Weller, ‘and the red-nosed man, my boy; and the red-nosed man. Ho! ho! ho!’
With this, Mr. Weller launched into convulsions of laughter,while Sam regarded him with a broad grin gradually over-spreading his whole countenance.
‘They’ve come to have a little serious talk with you, Samivel,’
said Mr. Weller, wiping his eyes. ‘Don’t let out nothin’ about theunnat’ral creditor, Sammy.’
‘Wot, don’t they know who it is?’ inquired Sam.
‘Not a bit on it,’ replied his father.
‘Vere are they?’ said Sam, reciprocating all the old gentleman’sgrins.
‘In the snuggery,’ rejoined Mr. Weller. ‘Catch the red-nosedman a-goin’ anyvere but vere the liquors is; not he, Samivel, nothe. Ve’d a wery pleasant ride along the road from the Markis thismornin’, Sammy,’ said Mr. Weller, when he felt himself equal tothe task of speaking in an articulate manner. ‘I drove the oldpiebald in that ’ere little shay-cart as belonged to your mother-in-law’s first wenter, into vich a harm-cheer wos lifted for theshepherd; and I’m blessed,’ said Mr. Weller, with a look of deepscorn―‘I’m blessed if they didn’t bring a portable flight o’ stepsout into the road a-front o’ our door for him, to get up by.’
‘You don’t mean that?’ said Sam.
‘I do mean that, Sammy,’ replied his father, ‘and I vish youcould ha’ seen how tight he held on by the sides wen he did get up,as if he wos afeerd o’ being precipitayted down full six foot, anddashed into a million hatoms. He tumbled in at last, however, andavay ve vent; and I rayther think―I say I rayther think, Samivel―that he found his-self a little jolted ven ve turned the corners.’
‘Wot, I s’pose you happened to drive up agin a post or two?’
said Sam. ‘I’m afeerd,’ replied Mr. Weller, in a rapture of winks―‘I’m afeerd I took vun or two on ’em, Sammy; he wos a-flyin’ out o’
the arm-cheer all the way.’
Here the old gentleman shook his head from side to side, andwas seized with a hoarse internal rumbling, accompanied with aviolent swelling of the countenance, and a sudden increase in thebreadth of all his features; symptoms which alarmed his son not alittle.
‘Don’t be frightened, Sammy, don’t be frightened,’ said the oldgentleman, when by dint of much struggling, and variousconvulsive stamps upon the ground, he had recovered his voice.
‘It’s only a kind o’ quiet laugh as I’m a-tryin’ to come, Sammy.’
‘Well, if that’s wot it is,’ said Sam, ‘you’d better not try to comeit agin. You’ll find it rayther a dangerous inwention.’
‘Don’t you like it, Sammy?’ inquired the old gentleman.
‘Not at all,’ replied Sam.
‘Well,’ said Mr. Weller, with the tears still running down hischeeks, ‘it ’ud ha’ been a wery great accommodation to me if Icould ha’ done it, and ‘ud ha’ saved a good many vords atweenyour mother-in-law and me, sometimes; but I’m afeerd you’reright, Sammy, it’s too much in the appleplexy line―a deal toomuch, Samivel.’
This conversation brought them to the door of the snuggery,into which Sam―pausing for an instant to look over his shoulder,and cast a sly leer at his respected progenitor, who was stillgiggling behind―at once led the way.
‘Mother-in-law,’ said Sam, politely saluting the lady, ‘werymuch obliged to you for this here wisit.―Shepherd, how air you?’
‘Oh, Samuel!’ said Mrs. Weller. ‘This is dreadful.’
‘Not a bit on it, mum,’ replied Sam.―‘Is it, shepherd?’
Mr. Stiggins raised his hands, and turned up his eyes, until thewhites―or rather the yellows―were alone visible; but made noreply in words.
‘Is this here gen’l’m’n troubled with any painful complaint?’
said Sam, looking to his mother-in-law for explanation.
‘The good man is grieved to see you here, Samuel,’ replied Mrs.
Weller.
‘Oh, that’s it, is it?’ said Sam. ‘I was afeerd, from his manner,that he might ha’ forgotten to take pepper vith that ’ere lastcowcumber he eat. Set down, sir, ve make no extra charge forsettin’ down, as the king remarked wen he blowed up hisministers.’
‘Young man,’ said Mr. Stiggins ostentatiously, ‘I fear you arenot softened by imprisonment.’
‘Beg your pardon, sir,’ replied Sam; ‘wot wos you graciouslypleased to hobserve?’
‘I apprehend, young man, that your nature is no softer for thischastening,’ said Mr. Stiggins, in a loud voice.
‘Sir,’ replied Sam, ‘you’re wery kind to say so. I hope my naturis not a soft vun, sir. Wery much obliged to you for your goodopinion, sir.’
At this point of the conversation, a sound, indecorouslyapproaching to a laugh, was heard to proceed from the chair inwhich the elder Mr. Weller was seated; upon which Mrs. Weller,on a hasty consideration of all the circumstances of the case,considered it her bounden duty to become gradually hysterical.
‘Weller,’ said Mrs. W. (the old gentleman was seated in acorner); ‘Weller! Come forth.’
‘Wery much obleeged to you, my dear,’ replied Mr. Weller; ‘butI’m quite comfortable vere I am.’
Upon this, Mrs. Weller burst into tears. ‘Wot’s gone wrong,mum?’ said Sam.
‘Oh, Samuel!’ replied Mrs. Weller, ‘your father makes mewretched. Will nothing do him good?’
‘Do you hear this here?’ said Sam. ‘Lady vants to know vethernothin’ ’ull do you good.’
‘Wery much indebted to Mrs. Weller for her po-lite inquiries,Sammy,’ replied the old gentleman. ‘I think a pipe vould benefitme a good deal. Could I be accommodated, Sammy?’
Here Mrs. Weller let fall some more tears, and Mr. Stigginsgroaned.
‘Hollo! Here’s this unfortunate gen’l’m’n took ill agin,’ saidSam, looking round. ‘Vere do you feel it now, sir?’
‘In the same place, young man,’ rejoined Mr. Stiggins, ‘in thesame place.’
‘Vere may that be, sir?’ inquired Sam, with great outwardsimplicity.
‘In the buzzim, young man,’ replied Mr. Stiggins, placing hisumbrella on his waistcoat.
At this affecting reply, Mrs. Weller, being wholly unable tosuppress her feelings, sobbed aloud, and stated her conviction thatthe red-nosed man was a saint; whereupon Mr. Weller, senior,ventured to suggest, in an undertone, that he must be therepresentative of the united parishes of St. Simon Without and St.
Walker Within.
‘I’m afeered, mum,’ said Sam, ‘that this here gen’l’m’n, with thetwist in his countenance, feels rather thirsty, with the melancholyspectacle afore him. Is it the case, mum?’
The worthy lady looked at Mr. Stiggins for a reply; thatgentleman, with many rollings of the eye, clenched his throat withhis right hand, and mimicked the act of swallowing, to intimatethat he was athirst.
‘I am afraid, Samuel, that his feelings have made him soindeed,’ said Mrs. Weller mournfully.
‘Wot’s your usual tap, sir?’ replied Sam.
‘Oh, my dear young friend,’ replied Mr. Stiggins, ‘all taps isvanities!’
‘Too true, too true, indeed,’ said Mrs. Weller, murmuring agroan, and shaking her head assentingly.
‘Well,’ said Sam, ‘I des-say they may be, sir; but wich is yourpartickler wanity? Wich wanity do you like the flavour on best,sir?’
‘Oh, my dear young friend,’ replied Mr. Stiggins, ‘I despisethem all. If,’ said Mr. Stiggins―‘if there is any one of them lessodious than another, it is the liquor called rum. Warm, my dearyoung friend, with three lumps of sugar to the tumbler.’
‘Wery sorry to say, sir,’ said Sam, ‘that they don’t allow thatparticular wanity to be sold in this here establishment.’
‘Oh, the hardness of heart of these inveterate men!’ ejaculatedMr. Stiggins. ‘Oh, the accursed cruelty of these inhumanpersecutors!’
With these words, Mr. Stiggins again cast up his eyes, andrapped his breast with his umbrella; and it is but justice to thereverend gentleman to say, that his indignation appeared very realand unfeigned indeed.
After Mrs. Weller and the red-nosed gentleman had commentedon this inhuman usage in a very forcible manner, and had venteda variety of pious and holy execrations against its authors, thelatter recommended a bottle of port wine, warmed with a littlewater, spice, and sugar, as being grateful to the stomach, andsavouring less of vanity than many other compounds. It wasaccordingly ordered to be prepared, and pending its preparationthe red-nosed man and Mrs. Weller looked at the elder W. andgroaned.
‘Well, Sammy,’ said the gentleman, ‘I hope you’ll find yourspirits rose by this here lively wisit. Wery cheerful and improvin’
conwersation, ain’t it, Sammy?’
‘You’re a reprobate,’ replied Sam; ‘and I desire you won’taddress no more o’ them ungraceful remarks to me.’
So far from being edified by this very proper reply, the elderMr. Weller at once relapsed into a broad grin; and this inexorableconduct causing the lady and Mr. Stiggins to close their eyes, androck themselves to and fro on their chairs, in a troubled manner,he furthermore indulged in several acts of pantomime, indicativeof a desire to pummel and wring the nose of the aforesaid Stiggins,the performance of which, appeared to afford him great mentalrelief. The old gentleman very narrowly escaped detection in oneinstance; for Mr. Stiggins happening to give a start on the arrivalof the negus, brought his head in smart contact with the clenchedfist with which Mr. Weller had been describing imaginaryfireworks in the air, within two inches of his ear, for some minutes.
‘Wot are you a-reachin’ out, your hand for the tumbler in that’ere sawage way for?’ said Sam, with great promptitude. ‘Don’tyou see you’ve hit the gen’l’m’n?’
‘I didn’t go to do it, Sammy,’ said Mr. Weller, in some degreeabashed by the very unexpected occurrence of the incident.
‘Try an in’ard application, sir,’ said Sam, as the red-nosedgentleman rubbed his head with a rueful visage. ‘Wot do you thinko’ that, for a go o’ wanity, warm, sir?’
Mr. Stiggins made no verbal answer, but his manner wasexpressive. He tasted the contents of the glass which Sam hadplaced in his hand, put his umbrella on the floor, and tasted itagain, passing his hand placidly across his stomach twice or thrice;he then drank the whole at a breath, and smacking his lips, heldout the tumbler for more.
Nor was Mrs. Weller behind-hand in doing justice to thecomposition. The good lady began by protesting that she couldn’ttouch a drop―then took a small drop―then a large drop―then agreat many drops; and her feelings being of the nature of thosesubstances which are powerfully affected by the application ofstrong waters, she dropped a tear with every drop of negus, and sogot on, melting the feelings down, until at length she had arrivedat a very pathetic and decent pitch of misery.
The elder Mr. Weller observed these signs and tokens withmany manifestations of disgust, and when, after a second jug ofthe same, Mr. Stiggins began to sigh in a dismal manner, heplainly evinced his disapprobation of the whole proceedings, bysundry incoherent ramblings of speech, among which frequentangry repetitions of the word ‘gammon’ were alonedistinguishable to the ear.
‘I’ll tell you wot it is, Samivel, my boy,’ whispered the oldgentleman into his son’s ear, after a long and steadfastcontemplation of his lady and Mr. Stiggins; ‘I think there must besomethin’ wrong in your mother-in-law’s inside, as vell as in thato’ the red-nosed man.’
‘Wot do you mean?’ said Sam.
‘I mean this here, Sammy,’ replied the old gentleman, ‘that wotthey drink, don’t seem no nourishment to ‘em; it all turns to warmwater, and comes a-pourin’ out o’ their eyes. ‘Pend upon it,Sammy, it’s a constitootional infirmity.’
Mr. Weller delivered this scientific opinion with manyconfirmatory frowns and nods; which, Mrs. Weller remarking, andconcluding that they bore some disparaging reference either toherself or to Mr. Stiggins, or to both, was on the point of becominginfinitely worse, when Mr. Stiggins, getting on his legs as well ashe could, proceeded to deliver an edifying discourse for the benefitof the company, but more especially of Mr. Samuel, whom headjured in moving terms to be upon his guard in that sink ofiniquity into which he was cast; to abstain from all hypocrisy andpride of heart; and to take in all things exact pattern and copy byhim (Stiggins), in which case he might calculate on arriving,sooner or later at the comfortable conclusion, that, like him, hewas a most estimable and blameless character, and that all hisacquaintances and friends were hopelessly abandoned andprofligate wretches. Which consideration, he said, could not butafford him the liveliest satisfaction.
He furthermore conjured him to avoid, above all things, the viceof intoxication, which he likened unto the filthy habits of swine,and to those poisonous and baleful drugs which being chewed inthe mouth, are said to filch away the memory. At this point of hisdiscourse, the reverend and red-nosed gentleman becamesingularly incoherent, and staggering to and fro in the excitementof his eloquence, was fain to catch at the back of a chair topreserve his perpendicular.
Mr. Stiggins did not desire his hearers to be upon their guardagainst those false prophets and wretched mockers of religion,who, without sense to expound its first doctrines, or hearts to feelits first principles, are more dangerous members of society thanthe common criminal; imposing, as they necessarily do, upon theweakest and worst informed, casting scorn and contempt on whatshould be held most sacred, and bringing into ............