SHOWING, AMONG A VARIETY OF PLEASANTMATTERS, HOW MAJESTIC AND IMPARTIALMr. NUPKINS WAS; AND HOW Mr. WELLERRETURNED Mr. JOB TROTTER’SSHUTTLECOCK AS HEAVILY AS IT CAME―WITH ANOTHER MATTER, WHICH WILL BEFOUND IN ITS PLACEiolent was Mr. Weller’s indignation as he was borne along;numerous were the allusions to the personal appearanceand demeanour of Mr. Grummer and his companion; andvalorous were the defiances to any six of the gentlemen present, inwhich he vented his dissatisfaction. Mr. Snodgrass and Mr. Winklelistened with gloomy respect to the torrent of eloquence whichtheir leader poured forth from the sedan-chair, and the rapidcourse of which not all Mr. Tupman’s earnest entreaties to havethe lid of the vehicle closed, were able to check for an instant. ButMr. Weller’s anger quickly gave way to curiosity when theprocession turned down the identical courtyard in which he hadmet with the runaway Job Trotter; and curiosity was exchangedfor a feeling of the most gleeful astonishment, when the all-important Mr. Grummer, commanding the sedan-bearers to halt,advanced with dignified and portentous steps to the very greengate from which Job Trotter had emerged, and gave a mighty pullat the bell-handle which hung at the side thereof. The ring wasanswered by a very smart and pretty-faced servant-girl, who, afterholding up her hands in astonishment at the rebelliousappearance of the prisoners, and the impassioned language of Mr.

　　Pickwick, summoned Mr. Muzzle. Mr. Muzzle opened one half ofthe carriage gate, to admit the sedan, the captured ones, and thespecials; and immediately slammed it in the faces of the mob, who,indignant at being excluded, and anxious to see what followed,relieved their feelings by kicking at the gate and ringing the bell,for an hour or two afterwards. In this amusement they all tookpart by turns, except three or four fortunate individuals, who,having discovered a grating in the gate, which commanded a viewof nothing, stared through it with the indefatigable perseverancewith which people will flatten their noses against the frontwindows of a chemist’s shop, when a drunken man, who has beenrun over by a dog-cart in the street, is undergoing a surgicalinspection in the back-parlour.

　　At the foot of a flight of steps, leading to the house door, whichwas guarded on either side by an American aloe in a green tub,the sedan-chair stopped. Mr. Pickwick and his friends wereconducted into the hall, whence, having been previouslyannounced by Muzzle, and ordered in by Mr. Nupkins, they wereushered into the worshipful presence of that public-spiritedofficer.

　　The scene was an impressive one, well calculated to striketerror to the hearts of culprits, and to impress them with anadequate idea of the stern majesty of the law. In front of a bigbook-case, in a big chair, behind a big table, and before a bigvolume, sat Mr. Nupkins, looking a full size larger than any one ofthem, big as they were. The table was adorned with piles ofpapers; and above the farther end of it, appeared the head andshoulders of Mr. Jinks, who was busily engaged in looking as busyas possible. The party having all entered, Muzzle carefully closedthe door, and placed himself behind his master’s chair to await hisorders. Mr. Nupkins threw himself back with thrilling solemnity,and scrutinised the faces of his unwilling visitors.

　　‘Now, Grummer, who is that person?’ said Mr. Nupkins,pointing to Mr. Pickwick, who, as the spokesman of his friends,stood hat in hand, bowing with the utmost politeness and respect.

　　‘This here’s Pickvick, your wash-up,’ said Grummer.

　　‘Come, none o’ that ’ere, old Strike-a-light,’ interposed Mr.

　　Weller, elbowing himself into the front rank. ‘Beg your pardon, sir,but this here officer o’ yourn in the gambooge tops, ’ull never earna decent livin’ as a master o’ the ceremonies any vere. This here,sir’ continued Mr. Weller, thrusting Grummer aside, andaddressing the magistrate with pleasant familiarity, ‘this here is S.

　　Pickvick, Esquire; this here’s Mr. Tupman; that ’ere’s Mr.

　　Snodgrass; and farder on, next him on the t’other side, Mr.

　　Winkle―all wery nice gen’l’m’n, sir, as you’ll be wery happy tohave the acquaintance on; so the sooner you commits these hereofficers o’ yourn to the tread―mill for a month or two, the soonerwe shall begin to be on a pleasant understanding. Business first,pleasure arterwards, as King Richard the Third said when hestabbed the t’other king in the Tower, afore he smothered thebabbies.’

　　At the conclusion of this address, Mr. Weller brushed his hatwith his right elbow, and nodded benignly to Jinks, who had heardhim throughout with unspeakable awe.

　　‘Who is this man, Grummer?’ said the magistrate,.

　　‘Wery desp’rate ch’racter, your wash-up,’ replied Grummer. ‘Heattempted to rescue the prisoners, and assaulted the officers; sowe took him into custody, and brought him here.’

　　‘You did quite right,’ replied the magistrate. ‘He is evidently adesperate ruffian.’

　　‘He is my servant, sir,’ said Mr. Pickwick angrily.

　　‘Oh! he is your servant, is he?’ said Mr. Nupkins. ‘A conspiracyto defeat the ends of justice, and murder its officers. Pickwick’sservant. Put that down, Mr. Jinks.’

　　Mr. Jinks did so.

　　‘What’s your name, fellow?’ thundered Mr. Nupkins.

　　‘Veller,’ replied Sam.

　　‘A very good name for the Newgate Calendar,’ said Mr.

　　Nupkins.

　　This was a joke; so Jinks, Grummer, Dubbley, all the specials,and Muzzle, went into fits of laughter of five minutes’ duration.

　　‘Put down his name, Mr. Jinks,’ said the magistrate.

　　‘Two L’s, old feller,’ said Sam.

　　Here an unfortunate special laughed again, whereupon themagistrate threatened to commit him instantly. It is a dangerousthing to laugh at the wrong man, in these cases.

　　‘Where do you live?’ said the magistrate.

　　‘Vere ever I can,’ replied Sam.

　　‘Put down that, Mr. Jinks,’ said the magistrate, who was fastrising into a rage.

　　‘Score it under,’ said Sam.

　　‘He is a vagabond, Mr. Jinks,’ said the magistrate. ‘He is avagabond on his own statement,―is he not, Mr. Jinks?’

　　‘Certainly, sir.’

　　‘Then I’ll commit him―I’ll commit him as such,’ said Mr.

　　Nupkins.

　　‘This is a wery impartial country for justice, ‘said Sam.’Thereain’t a magistrate goin’ as don’t commit himself twice as hecommits other people.’

　　At this sally another special laughed, and then tried to look sosupernaturally solemn, that the magistrate detected himimmediately.

　　‘Grummer,’ said Mr. Nupkins, reddening with passion, ‘howdare you select such an inefficient and disreputable person for aspecial constable, as that man? How dare you do it, sir?’

　　‘I am very sorry, your wash-up,’ stammered Grummer.

　　‘Very sorry!’ said the furious magistrate. ‘You shall repent ofthis neglect of duty, Mr. Grummer; you shall be made an exampleof. Take that fellow’s staff away. He’s drunk. You’re drunk, fellow.’

　　‘I am not drunk, your Worship,’ said the man.

　　‘You are drunk,’ returned the magistrate. ‘How dare you sayyou are not drunk, sir, when I say you are? Doesn’t he smell ofspirits, Grummer?’

　　‘Horrid, your wash-up,’ replied Grummer, who had a vagueimpression that there was a smell of rum somewhere.

　　‘I knew he did,’ said Mr. Nupkins. ‘I saw he was drunk when hefirst came into the room, by his excited eye. Did you observe hisexcited eye, Mr. Jinks?’

　　‘Certainly, sir.’

　　‘I haven’t touched a drop of spirits this morning,’ said the man,who was as sober a fellow as need be.

　　‘How dare you tell me a falsehood?’ said Mr. Nupkins. ‘Isn’t hedrunk at this moment, Mr. Jinks?’

　　‘Certainly, sir,’ replied Jinks.

　　‘Mr. Jinks,’ said the magistrate, ‘I shall commit that man forcontempt. Make out his committal, Mr. Jinks.’

　　And committed the special would have been, only Jinks, whowas the magistrate’s adviser (having had a legal education of threeyears in a country attorney’s office), whispered the magistrate thathe thought it wouldn’t do; so the magistrate made a speech, andsaid, that in consideration of the special’s family, he would merelyreprimand and discharge him. Accordingly, the special wasabused, vehemently, for a quarter of an hour, and sent about hisbusiness; and Grummer, Dubbley, Muzzle, and all the otherspecials, murmured their admiration of the magnanimity of Mr.

　　Nupkins.

　　‘Now, Mr. Jinks,’ said the magistrate, ‘swear Grummer.’

　　Grummer was sworn directly; but as Grummer wandered, andMr. Nupkins’s dinner was nearly ready, Mr. Nupkins cut thematter short, by putting leading questions to Grummer, whichGrummer answered as nearly in the affirmative as he could. Sothe examination went off, all very smooth and comfortable, andtwo assaults were proved against Mr. Weller, and a threat againstMr. Winkle, and a push against Mr. Snodgrass. When all this wasdone to the magistrate’s satisfaction, the magistrate and Mr. Jinksconsulted in whispers.

　　The consultation having lasted about ten minutes, Mr. Jinksretired to his end of the table; and the magistrate, with apreparatory cough, drew himself up in his chair, and wasproceeding to commence his address, when Mr. Pickwickinterposed.

　　‘I beg your pardon, sir, for interrupting you,’ said Mr. Pickwick;‘but before you proceed to express, and act upon, any opinion youmay have formed on the statements which have been made here, Imust claim my right to be heard so far as I am personallyconcerned.’

　　‘Hold your tongue, sir,’ said the magistrate peremptorily.

　　‘I must submit to you, sir―’ said Mr. Pickwick.

　　‘Hold your tongue, sir,’ interposed the magistrate, ‘or I shallorder an officer to remove you.’

　　‘You may order your officers to do whatever you please, sir,’

　　said Mr. Pickwick; ‘and I have no doubt, from the specimen I havehad of the subordination preserved amongst them, that whateveryou order, they will execute, sir; but I shall take the liberty, sir, ofclaiming my right to be heard, until I am removed by force.’

　　‘Pickvick and principle!’ exclaimed Mr. Weller, in a veryaudible voice.

　　‘Sam, be quiet,’ said Mr. Pickwick.

　　‘Dumb as a drum vith a hole in it, sir,’ replied Sam.

　　Mr. Nupkins looked at Mr. Pickwick with a gaze of intenseastonishment, at his displaying such unwonted temerity; and wasapparently about to return a very angry reply, when Mr. Jinkspulled him by the sleeve, and whispered something in his ear. Tothis, the magistrate returned a half-audible answer, and then thewhispering was renewed. Jinks was evidently remonstrating. Atlength the magistrate, gulping down, with a very bad grace, hisdisinclination to hear anything more, turned to Mr. Pickwick, andsaid sharply, ‘What do you want to say?’

　　‘First,’ said Mr. Pickwick, sending a look through his spectacles,under which even Nupkins quailed, ‘first, I wish to know what Iand my friend have been brought here for?’

　　‘Must I tell him?’ whispered the magistrate to Jinks.

　　‘I think you had better, sir,’ whispered Jinks to the magistrate.

　　‘An information has been sworn before me,’ said the magistrate,‘that it is apprehended you are going to fight a duel, and that theother man, Tupman, is your aider and abettor in it. Therefore―eh,Mr. Jinks?’

　　‘Certainly, sir.’

　　‘Therefore, I call upon you both, to―I think that’s the course,Mr. Jinks?’

　　‘Certainly, sir.’

　　‘To―to―what, Mr. Jinks?’ said the magistrate pettishly.

　　‘To find bail, sir.’

　　‘Yes. Therefore, I call upon you both―as I was about to saywhen I was interrupted by my clerk―to find bail.’

　　‘Good bail,’ whispered Mr. Jinks.

　　‘I shall require good bail,’ said the magistrate.

　　‘Town’s-people,’ whispered Jinks.

　　‘They must be townspeople,’ said the magistrate.

　　‘Fifty pounds each,’ whispered Jinks, ‘and householders, ofcourse.’

　　‘I shall require two sureties of fifty pounds each,’ said themagistrate aloud, with great dignity, ‘and they must behouseholders, of course.’

　　‘But bless my heart, sir,’ said Mr. Pickwick, who, together withMr. Tupman, was all amazement and indignation; ‘we are perfectstrangers in this town. I have as little knowledge of anyhouseholders here, as I have intention of fighting a duel withanybody.’

　　‘I dare say,’ replied the magistrate, ‘I dare say―don’t you, Mr.

　　‘Certainly, sir.’

　　‘Have you anything more to say?’ inquired the magistrate.

　　Mr. Pickwick had a great deal more to say, which he would nodoubt have said, very little to his own advantage, or themagistrate’s satisfaction, if he had not, the moment he ceasedspeaking, been pulled by the sleeve by Mr. Weller, with whom hewas immediately engaged in so earnest a conversation, that hesuffered the magistrate’s inquiry to pass wholly unnoticed. Mr.

　　Nupkins was not the man to ask a question of the kind twice over;and so, with another preparatory cough, he proceeded, amidst thereverential and admiring silence of the constables, to pronouncehis decision. He should fine Weller two pounds for the first assault,and three pounds for the second. He should fine Winkle twopounds, and Snodgrass one pound, besides requiring them toenter into their own recognisances to keep the peace towards allhis Majesty’s subjects, and especially towards his liege servant,Daniel Grummer. Pickwick and Tupman he had already held tobail.

　　Immediately on the magistrate ceasing to speak, Mr. Pickwick,with a smile mantling on his again good-humoured countenance,stepped forward, and said―‘I beg the magistrate’s pardon, but may I request a few minutes’

　　private conversation with him, on a matter of deep importance tohimself?’

　　‘What?’ said the magistrate. Mr. Pickwick repeated his request.

　　‘This is a most extraordinary request,’ said the magistrate. ‘Aprivate interview?’

　　‘A private interview,’ replied Mr. Pickwick firmly; ‘only, as apart of the information which I wish to communicate is derivedfrom my servant, I should wish him to be present.’

　　The magistrate looked at Mr. Jinks; Mr. Jinks looked at themagistrate; the officers looked at each other in amazement. Mr.

　　Nupkins turned suddenly pale. Could the man Weller, in amoment of remorse, have divulged some secret conspiracy for hisassassination? It was a dreadful thought. He was a public man;and he turned paler, as he thought of Julius Caesar and Mr.

　　Perceval.

　　The magistrate looked at Mr. Pickwick again, and beckoned Mr.

　　Jinks.

　　‘What do you think of this request, Mr. Jinks?’ murmured Mr.

　　Nupkins.

　　Mr. Jinks, who didn’t exactly know what to think of it, and wasafraid he might offend, smiled feebly, after a dubious fashion, and,screwing up the corners of his mouth, shook his head slowly fromside to side.

　　‘Mr. Jinks,’ said the magistrate gravely, ‘you are an ass.’

　　At this little expression of opinion, Mr. Jinks smiled again―rather more feebly than before―and edged himself, by degrees,back into his own corner.

　　Mr. Nupkins debated the matter within himself for a fewseconds, and then, rising from his chair, and requesting Mr.

　　Pickwick and Sam to follow him, led the way into a small roomwhich opened into the justice-parlour. Desiring Mr. Pickwick towalk to the upper end of the little apartment, and holding his handupon the half-closed door, that he might be able to effect animmediate escape, in case there was the least tendency to adisplay of hostilities, Mr. Nupkins expressed his readiness to hearthe communication, whatever it might be.

　　‘I will come to the point at once, sir,’ said Mr. Pickwick; ‘itaffects yourself and your credit materially. I have every reason tobelieve, sir, that you are harbouring in your house a grossimpostor!’

　　‘Two,’ interrupted Sam. ‘Mulberry agin all natur, for tears andwillainny!’

　　‘Sam,’ said Mr. Pickwick, ‘if I am to render myself intelligible tothis gentleman, I must beg you to control your feelings.’

　　‘Wery sorry, sir,’ replied Mr. Weller; ‘but when I think o’ that’ere Job, I can’t help opening the walve a inch or two.’

　　‘In one word, sir,’ said Mr. Pickwick, ‘is my servant right insuspecting that a certain Captain Fitz-Marshall is in the habit ofvisiting here? Because,’ added Mr. Pickwick, as he saw that Mr.

　　Nupkins was about to offer a very indignant interruption, ‘becauseif he be, I know that person to be a―’

　　‘Hush, hush,’ said Mr. Nupkins, closing the door. ‘Know him tobe what, sir?’

　　‘An unprincipled adventurer―a dishonourable character―aman who preys upon society, and makes easily-deceived peoplehis dupes, sir; his absurd, his foolish, his wretched dupes, sir,’ saidthe excited Mr. Pickwick.

　　‘Dear me,’ said Mr. Nupkins, turning very red, and altering hiswhole manner directly. ‘Dear me, Mr.―’

　　‘Pickvick,’ said Sam.

　　‘Pickwick,’ said the magistrate, ‘dear me, Mr. Pickwick―praytake a seat―you cannot mean this? Captain Fitz-Marshall!’

　　‘Don’t call him a cap’en,’ said Sam, ‘nor Fitz-Marshall neither;he ain’t neither one nor t’other. He’s a strolling actor, he is, and hisname’s Jingle; and if ever there was a wolf in a mulberry suit, that’ere Job Trotter’s him.’

　　‘It is very true, sir,’ said Mr. Pickwick, replying to themagistrate’s look of amazement; ‘my only business in this town, isto expose the person of whom we now speak.’

　　Mr. Pickwick proceeded to pour into the horror-stricken ear ofMr. Nupkins, an abridged account of all Mr. Jingle’s atrocities. Herelated how he had first met him; how he had eloped with MissWardle; how he had cheerfully resigned the lady for a pecuniaryconsideration; how he had entrapped himself into a lady’sboarding-school at midnight; and how he (Mr. Pickwick) now feltit his duty to expose his assumption of his present name and rank.

　　As the narrative proceeded, all the warm blood in the body ofMr. Nupkins tingled up into the very tips of his ears. He hadpicked up the captain at a neighbouring race-course. Charmedwith his long list of aristocratic acquaintance, his extensive travel,and his fashionable demeanour, Mrs. Nupkins and Miss Nupkinshad exhibited Captain Fitz-Marshall, and quoted Captain Fitz-Marshall, and hurled Captain Fitz-Marshall at the devoted headsof their select circle of acquaintance, until their bosom friends,Mrs. Porkenham and the Misses Porkenhams, and Mr. SidneyPorkenham, were ready to burst with jealousy and despair. Andnow, to hear, after all, that he was a needy adventurer, a strollingplayer, and if not a swindler, something so very like it, that it washard to tell the difference! Heavens! what would the Porkenhamssay! What would be the triumph of Mr. Sidney Porkenham whenhe found that his addresses had been slighted for such a rival!

　　How should he, Nupkins, meet the eye of old Porkenham at thenext quarter-sessions! And what a handle would it be for theopposition magisterial party if the story got abroad!

　　‘But after all,’ said Mr. Nupkins, brightening for a moment,after a long pause; ‘after all, this is a mere statement. Captain Fitz-Marshall is a man of very engaging manners, and, I dare say, hasmany enemies. What proof have you of the truth of theserepresentations?’

　　‘Confront me with him,’ said Mr. Pickwick, ‘that is all I ask, andall I require. Confront him with me and my friends here; you willwant no further proof.’

　　‘Why,’ said Mr. Nupkins, ‘that might be very easily done, for hewill be here to-night, and then there would be no occasion to makethe matter public, just―just―for the young man’s own sake, youknow. I―I―should like to consult Mrs. Nupkins on the proprietyof the step, in the first instance, though. At all events, Mr.

　　Pickwick, we must despatch this legal business before we can doanything else. Pray step back into the next room.’

　　Into the next room they went.

　　‘Grummer,’ said the magistrate, in an awful voice.

　　‘Your wash-up,’ replied Grummer, with the smile of a favourite.

　　‘Come, come, sir,’ said the magistrate sternly, ‘don’t let me seeany of this levity here. It is very unbecoming, and I can assure youthat you have very little to smile at. Was the account you gave mejust now strictly true? Now be careful, sir!’

　　‘Your wash-up,’ stammered Grummer, ‘I―’

　　‘Oh, you are confused, are you?’ said the magistrate. ‘Mr. Jinks,you observe this confusion?’

　　‘Certainly, sir,’ replied Jinks.

　　‘Now,’ said the magistrate, ‘repeat your statement, Grummer,and again I warn you to be careful. Mr. Jinks, take his wordsdown.’

　　The unfortunate Grummer proceeded to re-state his complaint,but, what between Mr. Jinks’s taking down his words, and themagistrate’s taking them up, his natural tendency to rambling,and his extreme confusion, he managed to get involved, ins............