CHAPTER ONE

Go to, my Daughter. Knowest thou a man who hath lived long in a bachelor flat? Then beware of him! For his ways are full of guile and he hath not a thrill left.

Alas, the bachelor flat is a curse sent upon Woman. For, lo, though a man hath dwelt in the back hall-room of a boarding-house for many years and hath suffered all its untold horrors, the moment he taketh a flat the sweet feminine thing seeketh him out and yearneth to make him “comfortable”.

And his days are made sad with sofa pillows and towel racks, and picture frames, and shaving-pads, and foot-stools, until his house resembleth a bargain counter, or the spoils from the harem of a sacked city.

He groaneth when he seeketh in corners for a spot wherein to place his forty-seventh cushion; he curseth when he returneth after dark and falleth over tabourets and other evidences of the pursuit of man; he laugheth as he borroweth old socks from his men friends that he may supply all of those who68 desire to do his mending. And to him, in matters of love, there is nothing new under the sun.

For the man that weddeth a widow is number two, but the woman that weddeth a bachelor-flatee is number forty-two.

And when she mendeth his coat and patteth his pillow; when she kisseth him in the cleft within his chin and runneth her fingers through his hair, he feeleth no thrill. For these are unto him but as a tale that hath been many times told.

Verily, his sentiments are frayed at the edges and his emotions worn thin with usage. His heart is patched in many places and his illusions are as last year’s roses—withered.

Yea, his love is but as warmed-over pudding or cold veal served upon the second day; even as second-hand furniture, whereof the interior is motheaten.

But he is better than nothing.

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CHAPTER TWO

Verily, verily, my Daughter, the fool hath said in her heart, “All men should marry! For there is a reason for everything under the sun, save a bachelor.”

But I have gone among the bachelors, questioning them, young and old; and I say unto thee, the “reasons” why a man taketh a stimulant are not more numerous and wonderful than the reasons why he doth not marry.

Behold, he doth not marry:

Because he is too young.

Because he is too old.

Because he hath not thought about it.

Because he hath thought too much about it.

Because he is poor and cannot afford a wife.

Because he is rich and doth not require a wife.

Because he loveth no woman.

Because he loveth all women.

Because he hath not met the right woman.

70 Because he hath met the right woman and been “disappointed”.

Because he hath many illusions concerning women.

Because he hath no illusions concerning them.

Because no woman is good enough.

Because he is not “good enough” for any woman.

Because he is not ready to settle down.

Because he is already settled down, and is content.

Because he is weak and fearful.

Because he is strong and impregnable.

And, likewise—just because.

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CHAPTER THREE

Hearken, my Daughter, unto the parable of the merrie bachelor; hearken and be comforted.

For, I say unto thee, not one of these liveth but shall receive his just desert!

Now, in my youth, there came unto me such an one, saying, “Why shall I marry? For lo, have I not all the comforts of home, at half the expense? Behold, I have three good meals a day and a den filled with gew-gaws, which are the work of many damsels. Yea, and not one of them but yearneth to sew on my buttons.

“Moreover, I can go forth into the country in the summer time without having to pawn mine overcoat; and in the winter I can go unto my club without having to perjure my soul.

“Verily, verily, my life is like unto an eleven-course dinner.

“For on Monday I may talk art unto a high-browed damsel; and on ............