I HAVE often felt a motion of love to leave some hints in writing of myexperience of the goodness of God, and now, in the thirty-sixth year of my age,I begin this work.
I was born in Northampton, in Burlington County, West Jersey, in the year1720. Before I was seven years old I began to be acquainted with the operationsof divine love. Through the care of my parents, I was taught to read nearly assoon as I was capable of it; and as I went from school one day, I remember thatwhile my companions were playing by the way, I went forward out of sight, andsitting down, I read the twenty-second chapter of Revelation: "He showed me apure river of water of life, clear as crystal, proceeding out of the throne ofGod and of the Lamb," etc. In reading it, my mind was drawn to seek after thatpure habitation which I then believed God had prepared for His servants. Theplace where I sat, and the sweetness that attended my mind, remain fresh in mymemory. This, and the like gracious visitations, had such an effect upon methat when boys used ill language it troubled me; and, through the continuedmercies of God, I was preserved from that evil.
The pious instructions of my parents were often fresh in my mind, when Ihappened to be among wicked children, and were of use to me. Having a largefamily of children, they used frequently, on First-days, after meeting, to set us one after another to read the Holy Scriptures, or some religious books, therest sitting by without much conversation; I have since often thought it was agood practice. From what I had read and heard, I believed there had been, inpast ages, people who walked in uprightness before God in a degree exceedingany that I knew or heard of now living: and the apprehension of there beingless steadiness and firmness amongst people in the present age often troubledme while I was a child.
I may here mention a remarkable circumstance that occurred in my childhood.
On going to a neighbour's house, I saw on the way a robin sitting on her nest,and as I came near she went off ; but having young ones, she flew about, andwith many cries expressed her concern for them. I stood and threw stones ather, and one striking her, she fell down dead. At first I was pleased with theexploit, but after a few minutes was seized with horror, at having, in asportive way, killed an innocent creature while she was careful for her young.
I beheld her lying dead, and thought those young ones, for which she was socareful, must now perish for want of their dam to nourish them. After somepainful considerations on the subject, I climbed up the tree, took all theyoung birds, and killed them, supposing that better than to leave them to pineaway and die miserably. In this case I believed that Scripture proverb wasfulfilled, "The tender mercies of the wicked are cruel." I then went on myerrand, and for some hours could think of little else but the cruelties I hadcommitted, and was much troubled. Thus He whose tender mercies are over all Hisworks hath placed a principle in the human mind, which incites to exercisegoodness towards every living creature; and this being singly attended to,people become tender-hearted and sympathizing; but when frequently and totallyrejected, the mind becomes shut up in a contrary disposition.
About the twelfth year of my age, my father being abroad, my mother reprovedme for some misconduct, to which I made an undutiful reply. The next First-day,as I was with my father returning from meeting, he told me that he understood Ihad behaved amiss to my mother, and advised me to be more careful in future. Iknew myself blamable, and in shame and confusion remained silent. Being thusawakened to a sense of my wickedness, I felt remorse in my mind, and on gettinghome, I retired and prayed to the Lord to forgive me, and I do not rememberthat I ever afterwards spoke unhandsomely to either of my parents, howeverfoolish in some other things.
Having attained the age of sixteen years, I began to love wanton company; andthough I was preserved from profane language or scandalous conduct, yet Iperceived a plant in me which produced much wild grapes; my merciful Father didnot, however, forsake me utterly, but at times, through His grace, I wasbrought seriously to consider my ways; and the sight of my backslidingsaffected me with sorrow, yet for want of rightly attending to the reproofs ofinstruction, vanity was added to vanity, and repentance to repentance. Upon the whole, my mind became more and more alienated from the truth, and I hastenedtoward destruction. While I meditate on the gulf towards which I travelled, andreflect on my youthful disobedience, for these things I weep, mine eye runnethdown with water.
Advancing in age, the number of my acquaintance increased, and thereby my waygrew more difficult. Though I had found comfort in reading the Holy Scripturesand thinking on heavenly things, I was now estranged therefrom. I knew I wasgoing from the flock of Christ and had no resolution to return, hence seriousreflections were uneasy to me, and youthful vanities and diversions were mygreatest pleasure. In this road I found many like myself, and we associated inthat which is adverse to true friendship.
In this swift race it pleased God to visit me with sickness, so that Idoubted of recovery; then did darkness, horror, and amazement with full forceseize me, even when my pain and distress of body were very great. I thought itwould have been better for me never to have had being, than to see the daywhich I now saw. I was filled with confusion, and in great affliction, both ofmind and body, I lay and bewailed myself. I had not confidence to lift up mycries to God, whom I had thus offended; but in a deep sense of my great folly Iwas humbled before Him. At length that word which is as a fire and a hammerbroke and dissolved my rebellious heart; my cries were put up in contrition;and in the multitude of His mercies I found inward relief, and a closeengagement that if He was pleased to restore my health I might walk humblybefore Him.
After my recovery this exercise remained with me a considerable time, but bydegrees giving way to youthful vanities, and associating with wanton youngpeople, I lost ground. The Lord had been very gracious, and spoke peace to mein the time of my distress, and I now most ungratefully turned again to folly;at times I felt sharp reproof, but I did not get low enough to cry for help. Iwas not so hardy as to commit things scandalous, but to exceed in vanity and topromote mirth was my chief study. Still I retained a love and esteem for piouspeople, and their company brought an awe upon me. My dear parents several timesadmonished me in the fear of the Lord, and their admonition entered into myheart and had a good effect for a season; but not getting deep enough to prayrightly, the tempter, when he came, found entrance. Once having spent a part ofthe day in wantonness, when I went to bed at night there lay in a window nearmy bed a Bible, which I opened, and first cast my eye on the text, "We lie downin our shame, and our confusion covereth us." This I knew to be my case, andmeeting with so unexpected a reproof I was somewhat affected with it, and wentto bed under remorse of conscience, which I soon cast off again.
Thus time passed on; my heart was replenished with mirth and wantonness,while pleasing scenes of vanity were presented to my imagination, till Iattained the age of eighteen years, near which time I felt the judgments of God in my soul, like a consuming fire, and looking over my past life the prospectwas moving. I was often sad, and longed to be delivered from those vanities;then again my heart was strongly inclined to them, and there was in me a soreconflict. At times I turned to folly, and then again sorrow and confusion tookhold of me. In a while I resolved totally to leave off some of my vanities, butthere was a secret reserve in my heart of the more refined part of them, and Iwas not low enough to find true peace. Thus for some months I had greattroubles; my will was unsubjected, which rendered my labours fruitless. Atlength, through the merciful continuance of heavenly visitations, I was made tobow down in spirit before the Lord. One evening I had spent some time inreading a pious author, and walking out alone I humbly prayed to the Lord forHis help, that I might be delivered from all those vanities which so ensnaredme. Thus being brought low, He helped me, and as I learned to bear the cross, Ifelt refreshment to come from His presence; but not keeping in that strengthwhich gave victory, I lost ground again, the sense of which greatly affectedme. I sought deserts and lonely places, and there with tears did confess mysins to God and humbly craved His help. And I may say with reverence, He wasnear to me in my troubles, and in those times of humiliation opened my ear todiscipline.
I was now led to look seriously at the means by which I was drawn from thepure truth, and learned that if I would live such a life as the faithfulservants of God lived, I must not go into company as heretofore in my own will,but all the cravings of sense must be governed by a divine principle. In timesof sorrow and abasement these instructions were sealed upon me, and I felt thepower of Christ prevail over selfish desires, so that I was preserved in a gooddegree of steadiness, and being young, and believing at that time that a singlelife was best for me, I was strengthened to keep from such company as had oftenbeen a snare to me.
I kept steadily to meetings, spent First-day afternoons chiefly in readingthe Scriptures and other good books, and was early convinced in my mind thattrue religion consisted in an inward life, wherein the heart does love andreverence God the Creator, and learns to exercise true justice and goodness,not only toward all men, but also toward the brute creation; that, as the mindwas moved by an inward principle to love God as an invisible, incomprehensibleBeing, so, by the same principle, it was moved to love Him in all Hismanifestations in the visible world; that, as by His breath the flame of lifewas kindled in all animal sensible creatures, to say we love God as unseen, andat the same time exercise cruelty toward the least creature moving by His life,or by life derived from Him, was a contradiction in itself. I found nonarrowness respecting sects and opinions, but believed that sincere, upright-hearted people, in every society, who truly love God, were accepted of Him.
As I lived under the cross, and simply followed the opening of truth, mymind, from day to day, was more enlightened, my former acquaintance were leftto judge of me as they would, for I found it safest for me to live in private,and keep these things sealed up in my own breast. While I silently ponder onthat change wrought in me, I find no language equal to convey to another aclear idea of it. I looked upon the works of God in this visible creation, andan awfulness covered me. My heart was tender and often contrite, and universallove to my fellow-creatures increased in me. This will be understood by such ashave trodden in the same path. Some glances of real beauty may be seen in theirfaces who dwell in true meekness. There is a harmony in the sound of that voiceto which divine love gives utterance, and some appearance of right order intheir temper and conduct whose passions are regulated; yet these do not fullyshow forth that inward life to those who have not felt it; this white stone andnew name is only known rightly by such as receive it.
Now, though I had been thus strengthened to bear the cross, I still foundmyself in great danger, having many weaknesses attending me, and strongtemptations to wrestle with; in the feeling whereof I frequently withdrew intoprivate places, and often with tears besought the Lord to help me, and Hisgracious ear was open to my cry.
All this time I lived with my parents, and wrought on the plantation; andhaving had schooling pretty well for a planter, I used to improve myself inwinter evenings, and other leisure times. Being now in the twenty-first year ofmy age, with my father's consent I engaged with a man, in much business as ashopkeeper and baker, to tend shop and keep books. At home I had lived retired;and now, having a prospect of being much in the way of company, I felt frequentand fervent cries in my heart to God, the Father of Mercies, that He wouldpreserve me from all taint and corruption; that, in this more publicemployment, I might serve Him, my gracious Redeemer, in that humility and self-denial which I had in a small degree exercised in a more private life.
The man who employed me furnished a shop in Mount Holly, about five milesfrom my father's house, and six from his own, and there I lived alone andtended his shop. Shortly after my settlement here I was visited by severalyoung people, my former acquaintance, who supposed that vanities would be asagreeable to me now as ever. At these times I cried to the Lord in secret forwisdom and strength; for I felt myself encompassed with difficulties, and hadfresh occasion to bewail the follies of times past, in contracting afamiliarity with libertine people; and as I had now left my father's houseoutwardly, I found my Heavenly Father to be merciful to me beyond what I canexpress.
By day I was much amongst people, and had many trials to go through; but inthe evenings I was mostly alone, and I may with thankfulness acknowledge, that in those times the spirit of supplication was often poured upon me; under whichI was frequently exercised, and felt my strength renewed.
After a while, my former acquaintance gave over expecting me as one of theircompany, and I began to be known to some whose conversation was helpful to me.
And now, as I had experienced the love of God through Jesus Christ, to redeemme from many pollutions, and to be a succor to me through a sea of conflicts,with which no person was fully acquainted, and as my heart was often enlargedin this heavenly principle, I felt a tender compassion for the youth whoremained entangled in snares like those which had entangled me. This love andtenderness increased, and my mind was strongly engaged for the good of myfellow-creatures. I went to meetings in an awful frame of mind, and endeavouredto be inwardly acquainted with the language of the true Shepherd.
One day, being under a strong exercise of spirit, I stood up and said somewords in a meeting; but not keeping close to the divine opening, I said morethan was required of me. Being soon sensible of my error, I was afflicted inmind some weeks, without any light or comfort, even to that degree that I couldnot take satisfaction in anything. I remembered God and was troubled, and inthe depth of my distress He had pity upon me, and sent the Comforter. I thenfelt forgiveness for my offence; my mind became calm and quiet, and I was trulythankful to my gracious Redeemer for His mercies. About six weeks after this,feeling the spring of divine love opened and a concern to speak, I said a fewwords in a meeting, in which I found peace. Being thus humbled and disciplinedunder the cross, my understanding became more strengthened to distinguish thepure Spirit which inwardly moves upon the heart, and which taught me to wait insilence sometimes many weeks together, until I felt that rise which preparesthe creature to stand like a trumpet, through which the Lord speaks to Hisflock.
From an inward purifying and steadfast abiding under it, springs a livelyoperative desire for the good of others. All the faithful are not called to thepublic ministry; but whoever are, are called to minister of that which theyhave tasted and handled spiritually. The outward modes of worship are various;but whenever any are true ministers of Jesus Christ, it is from the operationof His Spirit upon their hearts, first purifying them, and thus giving them ajust sense of the conditions of others. This truth was early fixed in my mind,and I was taught to watch the pure opening, and to take heed lest, while I wasstanding to speak, my own will should get uppermost, and cause me to utterwords from worldly wisdom, and depart from the channel of the true gospelministry.
In the management of my outward affairs, I may say with thankfulness, I foundtruth to be my support; and I was respected in my master's family, who came tolive in Mount Holly within two years after my going there.
In a few months after I came here, my master bought several Scotchmen servants,from on board a vessel, and brought them to Mount Holly to sell, one of whomwas taken sick and died. In the latter part of his sickness, being delirious,he used to curse and swear most sorrowfully; and the next night after hisburial I was left to sleep alone in the chamber where he died. I perceived inme a timorousness; I knew, however, I had not injured the man, but assisted intaking care of him according to my capacity. I was not free to ask any one onthat occasion to sleep with me. Nature was feeble; but every trial was a freshincitement to give myself up wholly to the service of God, for I found nohelper like Him in times of trouble.
About the twenty-third year of my age, I had many fresh and heavenlyopenings, in respect to the care and providence of the Almighty over hiscreatures in general, and over man as the most noble amongst those which arevisible. And being clearly convinced in my judgment that to place my wholetrust in God was best for me, I felt renewed engagements that in all things Imight act on an inward principle of virtue, and pursue worldly business nofurther than as truth opened my way.
About the time called Christmas I observed many people, both in town and fromthe country, resorting to public-houses, and spending their time in drinkingand vain sports, tending to corrupt one another; on which account I was muchtroubled. At one house in particular there was much disorder; and I believed itwas a duty incumbent on me to speak to the master of that house. I considered Iwas young, and that several elderly friends in town had opportunity to seethese things; but though I would gladly have been excused, yet I could not feelmy mind clear.
The exercise was heavy; and as I was reading what the Almighty said toEzekiel, respecting his duty as a watchman, the matter was set home moreclearly. With prayers and tears I besought the Lord for His assistance, and Hein loving-kindness gave me a resigned heart. At a suitable opportunity I wentto the public-house; and seeing the man amongst much company, I called himaside, and in the fear and dread of the Almighty expressed to him what restedon my mind. He took it kindly, and afterwards showed more regard to me thanbefore. In a few years afterwards he died, middle-aged; and I often thoughtthat, had I neglected my duty in that case, it would have given me greattrouble; and I was humbly thankful to my gracious Father, who had supported meherein.
My employer, having a negro woman, (1) sold her, and desired me to write abill of sale, the man being waiting who bought her. The thing was sudden; andthough I felt uneasy at the thoughts of writing an instrument of slavery forone of my fellow-creatures, yet I remembered that I was hired by the year, thatit was my master who directed me to do it, and that it was an elderly man, amember of our Society, who bought her; so through weakness I gave way, and wrote it; but at the executing of it I was so afflicted in my mind, that I saidbefore my master and the Friend that I believed slave-keeping to be a practiceinconsistent with the Christian religion. This in some degree abated myuneasiness; yet, as often as I reflected seriously upon it, I thought I shouldhave been clearer if I had desired to be excused from it, as a thing against myconscience; for such it was. Some time after this a young man of our Societyspoke to me to write a conveyance of a slave to him, he having lately taken anegro into his house. I told him I was not easy to write it; for though many ofour meeting and in other places kept slaves, I still believed the practice wasnot right, and desired to be excused from the writing. I spoke to him ingoodwill; and he told me that keeping slaves was not altogether agreeable tohis mind; but that the slave being a gift made to his wife, he had acceptedher.