The Beginning of the Fifth Monarchy.

From this time all my exertions were directed to the accomplishment of a radical reform throughout the country. I commenced by improving their mode of warfare, in exercising the young men in riding, fencing and shooting. My constant labor was rewarded so well that, in a short time, I exhibited before the emperor six thousand horsemen.

At this period the Tanaquites were preparing for a new attack upon the Quamites, on account of the refusal of this latter people to pay a yearly tribute which had been several times demanded and as often denied. I went, at the emperor’s desire, with my cavalry and some footmen to meet the invaders. To the infantry I gave javelins and arrows, that they might fight their enemies at a distance; for the Quamites had formerly used only short swords or poignards, and consequently were obliged to meet in close combat their frightful foes, the Tanaquites, who excelling them greatly in personal strength, had great advantage over them. Hearing that the enemy were approaching the boundary, as commander-in-chief, I repaired instantly towards them. On meeting the invaders I caused the footmen to attack them with their javelins; this put them into panic and flight, and determined the fate of the day. The enemy suffered a terrible defeat and the Tanaquitic leader, with twenty other noble tigers, were taken prisoners alive and carried in triumph to Quama. It is not possible to describe the general and tumultuous joy that filled the whole country for this glorious victory; because in former wars the Quamites had generally been obliged to lay down their arms. The emperor commanded the prisoners to be immediately executed, according to old custom; but considering this a horrible custom, I persuaded him to respite them, and put them in prison for further deliberation.

I had observed that this land was very rich in saltpetre, and had collected a considerable quantity for the purpose of making powder. This intention I had kept secret, however, from all except the emperor, whose permission I needed to establish manufactories for rifles and other guns. With the aid of these I hoped in a short time to subdue all the enemies of the empire. When I had finished some hundred rifles and prepared balls suitable for them, I made a trial of my project to the astonishment of all. A certain number of soldiers were selected to learn this military art, and were exercised in the management of the guns. When this body of soldiers had become accustomed to the use of these new engines of war, and could employ them effectively, a review was held, after which the emperor proclaimed me Jakal, that is, generalissimo over the whole army. While all these matters were pending, I had entered into an intimate friendship with the brave leader of the Tanaquites, the imprisoned Tomopoloko, with whom I held frequent and interesting conversations, with the object of learning the constitution, character, and customs of his nation. I could not but observe, to my great astonishment, that they were a witty, moral and enlightened people, and that the sciences were earnestly and effectively cultivated by them. The chief told me, that towards the east were a valorous people, against whose attacks, the Tanaquites were obliged to keep themselves always prepared. The inhabitants of that country, he added, were small, and in reality much inferior in bodily strength to those of Tanaquis; but being of superior acuteness and agility, and excellent bowmen, they had in fact, often forced the Tanaquites to sue for peace.

I soon came to know, that this formidable nation consisted of cats; and that they had distinguished themselves among all the nations under the firmament, for their rational judgment and political acumen. It provoked and pained me not a little, that skilfulness, the sciences, and polite manners, should be universally among the animals of the subterranean world, while only real human beings, namely, the Quamites were sunk to the profoundest depths of uncultivated barbarism. I consoled myself, however, in the hope that, through my endeavors, this shame would soon cease, and the Quamites would recover that dominion, which belonged to them as men over all other animals.

Since their last defeat, the Tanaquites kept very quiet for a long time; but when they found out the nature and condition of our cavalry; when they discovered that those centaurs, who had frightened them so terribly at first, were nothing in reality, but tamed horses with men seated upon them, they took courage and armed new troops against the Quamites, under the command of their king. Their whole army consisted of twenty thousand tigers, all veteran soldiers, heroes of many hard fought fields, except two regiments of new recruits; these hastily collected warriors were, however, more formidable in name and numbers than in service. Already sure of victory, they fell at once upon Quama. I immediately ordered against them twelve thousand infantry, among whom were six hundred musketeers, and four thousand horsemen. As I had not the slightest doubt of a fortunate termination to this expedition, I requested the emperor to take command of it, and thus reap the honor of the victory. By this appearance of modesty, I lost no respect, for the whole army still considered me the true leader. I first directed my cavalry against the enemy, but these were resisted with so much vigor, that the side of victory was for a long time doubtful: at the critical moment, when triumph was vacillating between the two powers, I detached my musketeers from the main body and advanced upon the foe. The Tanaquites were much astonished at the first shots, for they could not conceive whence came the thunder and lightning; but when they saw the mournful effects of our continued volleys, they became terrified; at the first discharge fell about two hundred tigers, among which were two chaplains, who were shot down while encouraging the soldiers to bravery. When I observed the panic among the enemy, I commanded a second discharge, whose results were more fatal than the former; their king himself was shot: then the Tanaquites took to flight; our cavalry followed them, and cut down so many of the flying multitude, that those in the rear could not proceed from the huge piles of slain that covered the way. When the battle was over, we counted the killed of the enemy and found them to be thirteen thousand: our own loss was comparatively very slight. The victorious army marched into the kingdom of Tanaqui and encamped before its capital. The general terror had meanwhile increased so much, that the magistrates submissively met the conquerors and delivered the keys of the city. The capital surrendering, the whole country soon followed its example. The disregard and contempt in which the Quamites had to this time been held, were changed to admiration and fear: the empire, with the addition of the newly conquered kingdom, was extended to twice its former size.

The glory of these actions was with one voice ascribed to my superior knowledge and untiring industry; and the esteem which had been long cherished for me, now passed over to a reverent and divine worship. This period of general peace and exultation, I thought a fitting time to advance the civilization and refinement of the Quamites, and as a practical commencement to this great work I ordered the royal Tanaquitic library to be moved to Quama.

My curiosity to become acquainted with this library had been at first excited by the imprisoned leader Tomopoloko, who told me that among its manuscripts was one, whose author had been up to our globe, in which history of his travels he had described several of its kingdoms, particularly those of Europe. The Tanaquites had seized this manuscript during one of their predatory excursions into a distant land; but as the author had concealed his name, they knew not what countryman he was, nor in what manner he had passed up through the earth. The quaint title of this book was: “Tanian’s 2 Travels Above-ground; being a description of the kingdoms and countries there, especially those of Europe.” From the antiquity of this work together with its great popularity, it had become so ragged, that what I was most anxious to learn, namely, the narration of the author’s journey to our earth and his return, was most unfortunately lost. Here is the contents of this singular manuscript, such as I found it:

“Fragments of Tanian’s Diary, kept on a Voyage above-ground, Translated by his Excellency, M. Tomopoloko, General-in-chief, in the Service of his Tanaquitic majesty.“

“This land (Germany) was called the Roman empire; but it has been an empty title, since the Roman monarchy was demolished several centuries since. The language of this land is not easy to understand, on account of its perverted style; for, what in other languages is placed before, in this comes after, so that the meaning cannot be had before a whole page is read through. The form of government is very inconsistent; some think they have a regent and yet have none; it should be an empire, yet it is divided into several duchies, each of which has its own government, and often engages in a formal war with its neighbor. The whole land is called ‘holy,’ although there is not to be found in it the least trace of piety. The regent, or more correctly the unregent, who bears the name of emperor, is denominated ‘the continual augmenter of his country,’ although he not seldom diminishes it; ‘invincible,’ notwithstanding he is often slain: sometimes by the French, sometimes by the Turks. One has no less reason to wonder at the people’s rights and liberties; but although they have many rights, they are forbidden to use them. Innumerable commentaries have been written upon the German constitution, but notwithstanding this, they have made no advance because

“The capital of this country (France) is called Paris, and is very large, and may in a certain degree be considered the capital of all Europe; for it exercises a peculiar law-giving power over the whole continent. It has, for example, the exclusive right to prescribe the universal mode of dress and living; and no style of dress, however inconvenient or ridiculous, may be controverted after the Parisians have once established it. How or when they obtained this prescriptive right is unknown to me. I observed, however, that this dominion did not extend to other things; for the other nations often make war with the French, and not seldom force them to sue for peace on very hard terms; but subservience in dress and living nevertheless continues. In quickness of judgment, inquisitiveness after news, and fruitfulness of discovery, the French are much like the Martinians.

“From Bologna we went to Rome. This latter city is governed by a priest, who is held to be the mightiest of the kings and rulers of Europe, although his possessions may be travelled through in one day. Beyond all other regents, who only have supremacy over their subjects’ lives and goods, he can govern souls. The Europeans generally believe that this priest has in his possession the keys of heaven. I was very curious to see these keys, but all my endeavors were in vain. His power, not only over his own subjects, but the whole human race, consists principally in that he can absolve those whom God condemns, and condemn those whom God absolves; an immense authority, which the inhabitants of our subterranean world seriously believe is not becoming to any mortal man. But it is an easy matter to induce the Europeans to credit the most unreasonable assertions, and submit to the most high-handed assumptions, notwithstanding they consider themselves alone sensible and enlightened, and, puffed up with their foolish conceits, look contemptuously upon all other nations, whom they call barbarous.

“I will not, by any means, defend our subterranean manners and institutions: my purpose simply is, to examine those of the Europeans, and show how little claim these people have to find fault with other nations.

“It is customary, in some parts of Europe, to powder the hair and clothes with ground and sifted corn; the same which nature has produced for the nourishment of man. This flour is called hair-powder. It is combed out with great care at night, preparatory to a fresh sprinkling in the morning. There is another custom with them, which did not appear less ridiculous to me. They have certain coverings for the head, called hats, made ostensibly, to protect the head from the weather, but which, instead of being used for this very reasonable purpose, are generally worn under the arm, even in the winter. This seemed as foolish to me as would the instance of one’s walking through the city with his cloak or breeches in his hand; thus exposing his body, which these should cover, to the severity of the weather.

“The doctrines of European religion are excellent and consistent with sound reason. In their books of moral law they are commanded to read the Christian precepts often; to search into their true meaning, and are advised to be indulgent with the weak and erring. Nevertheless, should any understand one or another doctrine of these books in any but the established sense, they would be imprisoned, lashed, yes, and even burned for their want of judgment. This seemed to me the same case, as if one should be punished for a blemish in sight, through which he saw that object square which others believed to be round. I was told that some thousand people had been executed by hanging or burning, for their originality of thought.

“In most cities and villages are to be found certain persons standing in high places, who animadvert severely upon the sins of others, which they themselves commit daily: this seemed to me as sensible as the preaching of temperance by a drunkard.

“In the larger towns, it is almost generally the fashion to invite one’s guests, immediately after meals, to imbibe a kind of sup made from burnt beans, which they call coffee. To the places where this is drunk, they are drawn in a great box on four wheels, by two very strong animals; for the higher classes of Europeans hold it to be very indecent to move about on their feet.

“On the first day of the year, the Europeans are attacked by a certain disease, which we subterraneans know nothing of. The symptoms of this malady are a peculiar disturbance of the mind and agitation of the head; its effects are that none can remain, on that day, five minutes in one place. They run furiously from one house to another, with no appreciable reason. This disease continues with many even fourteen days; until at last, they become weary of their eternal gadding, check themselves and regain their former health.

“In France, Italy and Spain, the people lose their reason for some weeks, in the winter season. This delirium is moderated by strewing ashes on the foreheads of the sufferers. In the northern parts of Europe, to which this disease sometimes extends, and where the ashes have no power, nature is left to work the cure.

“It is the custom with most Europeans, to enter into a solemn compact with God, in the presence of witnesses, three or four times a year, which they invariably and immediately break. This compact is called ‘communion,’ and seems to have been established only to show that the Europeans are used to break their promises several times each year. They confess their sins and implore the mercy of God, in certain melodies, accompanied by instrumental music. As the magnitude of their sins increases, their music becomes louder: thus fluters, trumpeters and drummers are favorite helpers to devotion.

“Almost all the nations of Europe are obliged to acknowledge and believe in the doctrines, which are contained in a certain ‘holy book.’ At the south the reading of this book is entirely forbidden; so that the people are forced to credit what they dare not read; in these same regions, it is likewise austerely forbidden to worship God, except in a language incomprehensible to the people; so that, only those prayers are held to be lawful and pleasing to God, which are ut............