WHICH SHOWS THERE ARE MORE WAYS TO KILL A DOG THAN HANGING. Mr. Fillet no sooner appeared in the judgment-chamber of Justice Gobble, than Captain Crowe, seizing him by the hand, exclaimed, “Body o’ me! Doctor, thou’rt come up in the nick of time to lend us a hand in putting about.—We’re a little in the stays here—but howsomever we’ve got a good pilot, who knows the coast; and can weather the point, as the saying is. As for the enemy’s vessel¹, she has had a shot or two already athwart her forefoot; the next, I do suppose, will strike the hull², and then you will see her taken all a-back.” The doctor, who perfectly³ understood his dialect, assured him he might depend upon his assistance; and, advancing to the knight⁴, accosted⁵ him in these words: “Sir Launcelot Greaves, your most humble⁶ servant—when I saw a crowd at the door, I little thought of finding you within, treated with such indignity—yet I can’t help being pleased with an opportunity of proving the esteem⁷ and veneration⁸ I have for your person and character.—You will do me particular pleasure in commanding my best services.”
 
Our adventurer thanked him for this instance of his friendship, which he told him he would use without hesitation¹⁰; and desired he would procure¹¹ immediate¹² bail¹³ for him and his two friends, who had been imprisoned¹⁴ contrary to law, without any cause assigned.
 
During this short dialogue, the justice, who had heard of Sir Launcelot’s family and fortune, though an utter stranger to his person, was seized with such pangs¹⁵ of terror and compunction, as a grovelling¹⁶ mind may be supposed to have felt in such circumstances; and they seemed to produce the same unsavoury effects that are so humorously delineated by the inimitable Hogarth, in his print of Felix on his tribunal, done in the Dutch style. Nevertheless, seeing Fillet retire to execute the knight’s commands, he recollected¹⁷ himself so far as to tell the prisoners, there was no occasion to give themselves any farther trouble, for he would release them without bail or mainprise. Then discarding all the insolence¹⁸ from his features, and assuming an aspect of the most humble adulation, he begged the knight ten thousand pardons for the freedoms he had taken, which were entirely¹⁹ owing to his ignorance of Sir Launcelot’s quality.
 
“Yes, I’ll assure you, sir,” said the wife, “my husband would have bit off his tongue rather than say black is the white of your eye, if so be he had known your capacity.—Thank God, we have been used to deal with gentlefolks, and many’s the good pound we have lost by them; but what of that? Sure we know how to behave to our betters. Mr. Gobble, thanks be to God, can defy the whole world to prove that he ever said an uncivil word, or did a rude thing to a gentleman, knowing him to be a person of fortune. Indeed, as to your poor gentry²⁰ and riffraff, your tag-rag and bob-tail, or such vulgar scoundrelly people, he has always behaved like a magistrate²¹, and treated them with the rigger of authority.”—“In other words,” said the knight, “he has tyrannised over the poor, and connived²² at the vices⁹ of the rich. Your husband is little obliged to you for this confession²³, woman.”—“Woman!” cried Mrs. Gobble, impurpled with wrath²⁴, and fixing her hands on her sides by way of defiance²⁵, “I scorn your words.—Marry come up! woman, quotha! no more a woman than your worship.” Then bursting into tears, “Husband,” continued she, “if you had the soul of a louse, you would not suffer me to be abused at this rate; you would not sit still on the bench, and hear your spouse²⁶ called such contemptible²⁷ epitaphs.—Who cares for his title and his knightship? You and I, husband, knew a tailor that was made a knight; but thank God, I have noblemen to stand by me with their privileges and beroguetifs.”
 
At this instant Mr. Fillet returned with his friend, a practitioner²⁸ in the law, who freely offered to join in bailing²⁹ our adventurer, and the other two prisoners, for any sum that should be required. The justice perceiving the affair began to grow more and more serious, declared that he would discharge the warrants and dismiss the prisoners.
 
Here Mr. Clarke interposing, observed, that against the knight no warrant had been granted, nor any information sworn to; consequently, as the justice had not complied with the form of proceeding³⁰ directed by statute³¹, the imprisonment³² was coram non judice, void. “Right, sir,” said the other lawyer; “if a justice commits a felon³³ for trial without binding³⁴ over the prosecutor³⁵ to the assizes, he shall be fined.”—“And again,” cried Clarke, “if a justice issues a warrant for commitment, where there is no accusation³⁶, action will lie against the justice.” “Moreover,” replied the stranger, “if a justice of peace is guilty of any misdemeanour in his office, information lies against him in Banco Regis, where he shall be punished by fine and imprisonment” “And, besides,” resumed the accurate Tom, “the same court will grant an information against a justice of peace, on motion, for sending even a servant to the house of correction or common jail without sufficient cause.”—“True!” exclaimed the other limb of the law, “and, for contempt of the law, attachment³⁷ may be had against justices of peace in Banco Regis. A justice of the peace was fined a thousand marks for corrupt³⁸ practices.”
 
With these words, advancing to Mr. Clarke, he shook him by the hand, with the appellation³⁹ of brother, saying, “I doubt the justice has got into a cursed hovel.” Mr. Gobble himself seemed to be of the same opinion. He changed colour several times during the remarks which the lawyers had made; and now, declaring that the gentlemen were at liberty, begged, in the most humble phrase, that the company would eat a bit of mutton with him, and after dinner the affair might be amicably⁴⁰ compromised.
 
To this proposal our adventurer replied, in a grave and resolute⁴¹ tone, “If your acting⁴² in the commission as a justice of the peace concerned my own particular only, perhaps I should waive⁴³ any further inquiry⁴⁴, and resent your insolence no other way but by silent contempt. If I thought the errors of your administration proceeded from a good intention, defeated by want of understanding, I should pity your ignorance, and, in compassion⁴⁵, advise you to desist from acting a part for which you are so ill qualified⁴⁶; but the preposterous⁴⁷ conduct of such a man deeply affects the interest of the community, especially that part of it, which, from its helpless situation, is the more entitled to your protection and assistance. I am, moreover, convinced that your misconduct is not so much the consequence of an uninformed head, as the poisonous issue of a malignant⁴⁸ heart, devoid⁴⁹ of humanity, inflamed⁵⁰ with pride, and rankling⁵¹ with revenge. The common prison of this little town is filled with the miserable⁵² objects of your cruelty and oppression. Instead of protecting the helpless, restraining the hands of violence, preserving the public tranquillity⁵³, and acting as a father to the poor, according to the intent and meaning of that institution of which you are an unworthy member, you have distressed⁵⁴ the widow and the orphan⁵⁵, given a loose to all the insolence of office, embroiled⁵⁶ your neighbours by fomenting⁵⁷ suits and animosities, and played the tyrant⁵⁸ among the indigent⁵⁹ and forlorn. You have abused the authority with which you were invested, entailed⁶⁰ a reproach upon your office, and, instead of being revered⁶¹ as a blessing⁶², you are detested⁶³ as a curse among your fellow-creatures. This indeed is generally the case of low fellows, who are thrust into the magistracy without sentiment, education, or capacity.
 
“Among other instances of your iniquity⁶⁴, there is now in prison an unhappy woman, infinitely⁶⁵ your superior in the advantages of birth, sense, and education, whom you have, even without provocation⁶⁶, persecuted⁶⁷ to ruin and distraction⁶⁸, after having illegally and inhumanly⁶⁹ kidnapped her only child, and exposed him to a violent death in a foreign land. Ah, caitiff! if you were to forego all the comforts of life, distribute your means among the poor, and do the severest penance⁷⁰ that ever priestcraft prescribed for the rest of your days, you could not atone⁷¹ for the ruin of that hapless family; a family through whose sides you cruelly and perfidiously⁷² stabbed the heart of an innocent young woman, to gratify the pride and diabolical⁷³ malice⁷⁴ of that wretched lowbred woman, who now sits at your right hand as the associate of power and presumption⁷⁵. Oh! if such a despicable reptile⁷⁶ shall annoy mankind with impunity⁷⁷, if such a contemptible miscreant⁷⁸ shall have it in his power to do such deeds of inhumanity and oppression, what avails the law? Where is our admired constitution, the freedom, the security of the subject, the boasted humanity of the British nation! Sacred Heaven! if there was no human institution to take cognisance of such atrocious crimes, I would listen to the dictates⁷⁹ of eternal justice, and, arming myself with the right of nature, exterminate⁸⁰ such villains⁸¹ from the face of the earth!”
 
These last words he pronounced in such a strain, while his eyes lightened with indignation, that Gobble and his wife underwent the most violent agitation⁸²; the constable’s teeth chattered⁸³ in his head, the jailor ............