MY determination not to swerve from the truth in this history, may cause me to relate things of the major his military friends, who are exceedingly sensitive, will set down as malicious attempts to damage the profession of arms. Let it be understood, then, that what charges I shall bring against the major will, on inquiry, be found to have their origin in an uncontrollable passion for trade only. Whether it will be found that he has committed acts for which he can be arraigned before a court-martial, such being the fashionable process of making heroes of military delinquents, must be left entirely to the reader's judgment.
Having got well upon the road, the major turned to me with an air of evident self-satisfaction, and addressed me as follows: "If Mrs. Major Potter was out of the way, I would make twain of the widow, merely for the love her children bear me." Here he jerked the reins and bade old Battle, who was giving strong proof of the quality of his wind, quicken his pace. "However, as it is wicked to contemplate matrimony with a wife on hand, I must console myself with having cleared in the trade with her and the fishmonger, at least two dollars and forty cents. The chickens are not what she takes them for. There can be no doubt of their coming to Shanghais, but as to their eating off barrel heads, they can do that now, only set the barrel heads upon the ground. All the ill feathered devils in my coop are not worth a single black foot." The major, like many others who affect gallantry, rather prided himself on the chivalry there was in deceiving widows and getting the better of fishmongers. We were thus pursuing our journey, when the major suddenly reminded me that he had been interrupted in the recital of the story of his first adventure in New York, and begged I would tell him the exact point where he left off. This I did, as far as my memory served, out of sheer charity. He then begged me not to get impatient, for he would soon get to where he was the hero of several extraordinary exploits, which he had performed while taking care of the nation. "That's the point," said the Major, taking the cue. "The story was interrupted at the point where we held it fortunate detectives were not employed to go in pursuit of Fopp, as they both were of one kith and kin, only that they had different processes for draining purses.
"My fashionable friends, on hearing of my distress, had no more attentions to bestow upon me. And as I had no more dinners to give, the newspapers also let me drop very quietly. I should not forget to mention, however, that one huge fellow, who commanded the columns of a very small paper, and made the importance of his position a means of getting loans of his friends, said time would establish the fact that I was an adventurer. I entertained a hope that the good old Evening Post would have answered this, but it never did. It was something that I could console my heart with the fact, that the little paper could do me no harm, since its circulation never got beyond two hundred prosey old women, who admired the way the cunning fellow wore his hair and discoursed upon good society, though he held it a virtue never to pay a debt.
"A friend or two, as poor as myself, and who had clung to me as long as a dollar remained, advised the getting up of an affair of honor with this editor; but, as I had always chosen to be a philosopher, and believing valor an article better preserved with peace than war, I objected. It was then suggested by one of my friends, who was, or had been a politician, (an enemy of his said he had twice been driven out of Wall Street for violating its rules of morality,) that the affair could be more easily settled over a champagne supper at Delmonico's. The best eater and drinker could then demand his opponent to consider himself vanquished and pay the bill, the same being accepted as a sufficient apology. Upon inquiry, it was found that the editor was famous in this sort of warfare, hence it would not do to engage him at odds so unequal. Telling my friends then, that I would take two weeks to consider it, they thought the matter might be indefinitely postponed. Another friend hinted, slyly, that editors, as a general thing, held character of so little worth that nothing so much delighted them as to demolish it over a strongly compounded punch.
"Well, with the loss of my money, I had the satisfaction, or rather mortification, soon to know that I had gained the suspicions of mine host of the Astor, who had the temerity to stick his bill in the door one morning. My balance on hand not being equal to the amount, I shoved the curious bit of paper into my pocket, and proceeded down stairs, slightly inclined to saunter and contemplate the matter over in the park. But the polite host, with an eye made keen by his doubts, intercepted me at the bottom of the stairs, beckoned me behind the big bright counter, and said I must pardon the request, but he would like the trifle between us squared. Notwithstanding his great respect for politicians in general, they so often forgot these little matters as to make it a serious affair with him. The kindness of his manner set my conscience in a tumult; and this, added to the fact that he had entertained me in a princely style, sent me into a state of great grief. One likes to perform kind offices to a courteous recipient. Indeed, nothing would have so much pleased me as to discharge every obligation to so excellent a landlord. I might at some future day need the comforts of his house, especially as several of my friends had intimated, while fortune smiled, that the voice of the people might one day call me to rule the nation.
"Dispensing all ceremony, I invited mine host to a conference in one corner, and then and there pleaded the lean condition of my purse, to which he listened with great patience, and when I had done begged me to consider him a friend. Once indeed he seemed on the point of shedding tears of sorrow for my troubles; but his eyes resumed their usual dryness. On the following day, his sympathy having no doubt run out, he informed me, with great politeness of manner, that the demand for his lodgings was more than equal to the supply. 'Perhaps,' he added, 'you can make it convenient to continue your journey.'
"I was in the condition of an army unable to move for want of supplies. It was no difficult matter to make a dozen or so of political speeches, or to make a meeting split its sides with laughter, or to tear the sophistries of an opponent into tatters, but to be cheated out of one's money in a great city, and leave the Astor to enter the Irving, or the more fashionable 'New York,' with an empty pocket, though common among New Yorkers, was a feat I had not learned to achieve."
The mischief of the matter was, that no sooner had I got rid of General Fopp, than a man, whom I shall for convenience sake call the great Captain Splinters, made my acquaintance. This man, of whom many queer things were said over tea-tables, by people calling themselves the aristocracy, plumed himself on being the greatest politician Manhattan Island ever was blessed with. People of steady habits differed in their views on this subject, some asserting that the honor of the island would sustain no loss if he were made Governor of New Jersey, or President of the Camden and Amboy Railroad, in which latter capacity he would have ample means of gratifying his ambition for mutilating legal voters. I had heard of this man through the newspapers; he seemed, however, a much smaller man than they had represented him to be. In fine, he told me the newspapers had always taken great pride in misrepresenting him; but he said so many good things of himself, and recounted the many scrapes he had been in with such evident self-satisfaction, that I began to mistrust there was something in him. It was at least certain that he had hung himself to the government, in the very harmless belief that it could not get along without him. Of his pranks, as related by himself, I had no very high opinion, inasmuch as they made public virtue cut a very sorry figure. He, however, requested me to bear in mind the fact, that he never squared his opinions with those who set so high a value upon public virtue that they were for ever nursing it and weeping over it at their firesides.
"He thought the nation extremely fortunate in possessing an individual capable of rendering it services so varied as he was capable of. He made power his game, and to the end of extending universal liberty to vagabonds, he had at his command the services of no less than four hundred and forty as arrant knaves as ever did bloodletting at elections, or managed the rascality necessary to the success of their candidate. They had given up the business of stealing; and being much in need of money and clean raiment, had taken to the more profitable occupation of president-making, hoping ere long to be rewarded by a grateful government with important and lucrative appointments.
"This Captain Splinters, of whom so much was said, expressed great sympathy for my misfortunes, and see............