The Subject Approached With Reluctance.—The Marital State Should be the Most Sacred of Sanctuaries.—Wrongly Interpreted it is the Abode of Darkness and Sin.—Its Influence for Good or Evil upon Character.—Responsibility of Mothers for the Unhappy Lives of Their Daughters.—Commercial Marriages.—Marriage as it Should be.—The Husband’s Danger from “Aggressiveness.”—The Wife Should not Provoke the Wrongs She Suffers.—Marital Modesty.—Parenthood the Justification of the Marital Act.—Reproduction the Primal Purpose.—Harmony of Purpose and Life.—Love’s Highest Plane.—The Value of Continence.—The Right and Wrong of Marriage.—The Relation During Gestation.—Effects of Relation During Gestation Illustrated.—The Wrongdoings of Good Men.—The Fruits of Ignorance.—The Better Day Coming.
We approach this chapter with a degree of reluctance, because of the varying opinions entertained by many good people, and because of the false notions which have crept into the conception of its responsibilities, its duties, its privileges, its rights, and its wrongs.
When the marital state is entered in the spirit of Him who ordained it, no sanctuary is more sacred; when entered in the misconception of many men and women of modern times, no relation is more of the abode of darkness and sin.
Rightly interpreted, and its privileges not abused, its influence upon the individual and united lives, is second to none for the development of strong noble character. Wrongly interpreted, and its liberties used as a license for unbridled desire, while the great object for which the relation was instituted is not only not recognized, but by every means avoided and abused, it becomes a snare and degradation to the nobler instincts and aspirations, and lets in a legion of evil spirits which lead farther and farther away from truth and righteousness.
When the marriage state is entered with the fixed determination to avoid parenthood, while giving rein to lust, can we wonder at the looseness of character developed and the deadening of conscience to all sin? And what have been the causes which have led up to this state of things? False notions of life, low ideas of happiness, lack of individuality and self-assertion where principle is concerned, leaving God out of the question[81] of marriage, and vain, untaught mothers—these are the influences which have caused this state of things.
A late writer of a magazine article has said “If the recording angel is still keeping account of human things, there are crimes going on record constantly against women, and among the blackest of these are the millions of sins chalked down against mothers who are guilty of teaching this degrading error to their daughters, that the gewgaws of fashion, the luxury of a city home, is the price for their daughter’s body, soul, honor, health and happiness. Alas! the only happiness these modern girls, raised for the matrimonial market, know, is found in the few years of innocence while they are still in the nursery. And the remedy for this evil, is there none? There is none in law or virtue, for those who have sold their womanhood for a mess of pottage. But the young may be spared. Teach your daughters, mothers, that happiness and health for themselves, and strong bodies for their offspring, are what should be dearest to a woman; that they are more to be valued than all the riches of Golconda; that marriage should be guided by nature, not commercialism. And, young women, be true to yourselves. Seek happiness[82] and joy where they may be found. Be true to yourself, and loyal to your own womanhood. Don’t believe that love is old-fashioned or obsolete. It is eternal. It is nature’s finger pointing the way to marriage that will always be happy.”
No life can be imagined more miserable, when the first glamour is worn off, no matter how much of wealth and position and social standing is thrown in, than a loveless marriage. Every responsibility becomes a hard fact, every duty an unrequited labor, every privilege, at least to one of the contracting parties, an unwelcome and nauseous gratification, life itself a burden.
How different when love smooths the way, and finds excuse for every trifling inconsistency; when sorrows are shared, not doubled, when rights are respected, when home means wife, husband, children, happiness, with God over all.
But we will put aside all the sad pictures and think of marriage as it should be, and then measure its responsibilities. Hitherto you have, since your majority, in large measure sought your own pleasure; now you have the pleasure of another to seek; and you do it gladly. Not what is best for you alone, but what is best for you two united in making a home, in adding to the strength of both in the united life.
Much has been said, in these later days, derogatory to the clause in our older marriage ceremonies which promises obedience. In true marriages there is no thought of obedience or disobedience. Each seeks willingly the opinions and wishes of the other, and, so far as possible and best, follows them; but there must be no arbitrary wilfulness on the part of either, and each must acknowledge the individuality of the other and respect the differences of opinion. A ready yielding of trifling differences is a small price to pay for conjugal harmony, and every time it is done it adds loveliness to the one who yields.
In a late number of The Ladies’ Home Journal, Mrs. Burton Kingsland says, “A readiness to give up in little things is the most tactful appeal possible for a return of courtesy, at other times when the matter may be of importance to us. It is a high attainment in politeness to allow others to be mistaken. Let a trifling misstatement pass unnoticed where no principle is involved, and when a mistake is past remedy, it is best to let the subject drop. The argument of the ‘I told you so’ character is always quite superfluous.”
In no relation of life is self-control so needed, in no relation can it be so subservient to our higher nature.
In the aggressive part of the human family,—aggressive in these relations,—there is great danger of allowing the lower nature to dominate the higher. Passion, when master, overrides all other considerations, and the selfishness, which is so dangerous a part of human nature, sees but one thing,—the accomplishment of desire. No thought of the possible results hinders him, and while nothing is hazarded on his part, everything on hers—even this for the moment is forgotten; and afterward he may well wonder how his better self was so lost to the tender sympathetic love and consideration in which he should always hold her.
Be guarded, O husband! It is woman’s nature to forgive, and when she loves, this impetuosity of passion uncontrolled, can be many times forgiven. Aye, even when too frequent maternity is thrust upon her; but there comes a time when love and forgiveness have reached their limit, and love struggles vainly to rise above disgust and loathing, but it can never again attain to anything but tolerance.
But the wife is not always guiltless, when[85] this sad state of things has resulted, in what should have been a happy married life. While the husband is the aggressive one, yet she may, by many little carelessnesses, and thoughtless acts, invite attentions which she afterward repels. The womanly modesty which characterized her girlhood, should always be preserved and observed; and this innate dignity, this strongly asserted individuality, will tide them gloriously over many hard places.
The custom in many English homes of each having a room, which is peculiarly one’s own, may seem to our freedom-loving natures, a cold custom; but is not this better when a proper self-control seems difficult, than a freedom which degenerates into license? True, the door between these two rooms should seldom be shut, but the fact that there are two rooms relieves of many temptations, and prevents the familiarity, which even in married life, breeds contempt.
There is a wise Eastern proverb which fits very beautifully here. “To satisfy the appetite is not always good. This will the beasts do whenever they find provender. Man alone can say to himself, thou shalt fast, because I have willed it. Appetite thus conquered, maketh man king over beasts; thus is he set apart from them, and so do his thoughts soar above the earth, even unto the region of the heavens.”
Every young person should be taught before marriage, that the closest conjugal relation should never be allowed without a willingness on the part of both that pregnancy should follow. Of course this does not always follow; but allowed with the fear, the dread, the unwillingness that it may result, it becomes a positive sin. This may seem strong meat, which almost borders on fanaticism, to some; but we are sure when it is considered in the light of the primal object of the marriage relation, it will not be thought fanatical. The very fact that conception may result at any time, proves that the conjugal relation was not instituted primarily for the gratification of the lower nature, but for procreation.
I trust I will not be misunderstood, in my statements upon this subject, for in writing upon so delicate a theme as this it is very difficult to make one’s self understood by all. If all will read carefully the statement I have just made, I think they will have no great difficulty in seeing the ground I take, and which I believe is held by all fair-minded people, namely: That while God ordained[87] the marriage relation primarily, for the purpose of the perpetuity of the human race, as his first command to the pair in Eden would indicate, “Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth.” Yet this is to be taken with all that is comprehended in the terms, home, husband, and wife.
Therefore when I say, that every young person should be taught before marriage, that the closest conjugal relation should never be allowed, without a willingness on the part of both that pregnancy should follow, I mean simply what I hope I shall make clear throughout my book; that there shall be no pandering to sexual indulgence, while there is unwillingness to bear as many children, as a proper manly and womanly Christian temperance in these things will allow.
To fix an absolute rule of practice in these things, and consider it binding upon all, would be going out of my province, and the province of this book. In this, each pair must be judges for themselves: but there needs must be, behind all their thoughts upon this subject, right conceptions upon the holy relation they have entered into.
With the above rule fixed, no other limitations, or restrictions need be made. Everything will adj............